₦airaland Forum

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid, when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

He Said, She Said


Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end,

He said, Want a quickie?
She said, As opposed to what?

He said, I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said, You wear briefs, don't you?

He said, Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said, Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said, This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said, No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said, What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said, It's not my fault, I ran out of money.

He said, Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said, Well, you succeeded.

Priest, I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said, Who's gonna look?

He said, You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said, No, have you?

He said, Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said, Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a slowpoke than he is blind.

He said, Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said, Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said, Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said, I would, but you're never there.

He said, Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said, Well, you succeeded.

He said, Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said, That's a good idea, You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said, What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said, Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

Help Line Loser

If you can't laugh about this you need help, This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

", Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power, A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A slowpoke

8. pre-intimacy is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone, "
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND,

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother
asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s a nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

Mouth Gig

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Mouth Gig?
A. Mouth Gig: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
Mouth Gig.

Saying I Love You



How to say, "i love you" in 20 different languages:

english . . . . . . . . . .i love you

spanish . . . . . . , . te amo

french . . . . . . . . . . je t'aime

german . . . . . . . . . .lch liebe dich

japanese . . . . . . , .ai s**** imasu

italian . . . . . . . . . , ti amo

chinese . . . . . . . . . . wo ai ni

swedish . . . . . . . . . .jag alskar

alabama, arkansas, oklahoma, texas, louisiana, south carolina, georgia,
tennessee, west virginia, mississippi, north carolina and kentucky: , nice
tits!

Mating cats



Veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and
a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an
elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I
do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Sneezes



A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The
woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man
isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently
wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that
he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet
again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The
man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are
you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

Two Deaf People

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights
because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance,
at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

Not that kind'a guy



A cowboy walks into a Saloon after he rode 150 miles on his horse in one day.
He had a drink about two weeks ago, but he had himself a lady about two months
ago.

He enters the saloon sits down and orders a whiskey. He sees that he is the
only one in the bar except for the bartender. "Sorry, barkeep, tell me, you got
any gals around here?” the cowboy asks "No sir, 'Round here is only you, me, and
'Old George, there attar back," the barkeep replies as he shows in the direction
of the toilet with his head.

"No," shouts the cowboy, "I am not that kind’s guy."

So the cowboy just sits and orders another whiskey. After he had about half a
bottle he asks the barkeep the same question as earlier. He gets the same
answer:

"No sir, Round here is only you, me, and 'Old George, there attar back. Again
the cowboy says, "No way am I not that kind’s guy." So he just drinks and
drinks.

The more he drinks the hornier he gets. After he had about two bottles of
whiskey he asks the barkeep the same question and gets the same answer. But he
is so Hot by now that he decides 'Old George there attar back will have to do,
but he doesn't want anybody to know that he did 'Old George there attar back.

So he asks the barkeep: "If I do 'Old George there attar back, who's going to
know about it?" The barkeep answers: "Well, sir It will be me, you, 'Old George
there attar back, and the four guys holding him down, 'cause he isn’t that kinds
guy either!"

COLLEGE HABITS TO BRING HOME

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room
by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.

20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.

21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.

22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).

23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack
machine and pay phone in the house.

REALLY FUNNY SCIENCE EXAMPLES

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebra symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer’s grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brines have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,
okay?

Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a
basement room, and it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
"down there" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a "" in history and an "F" in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.



Your loving daughter, Kimberly!

MATH THEOREM OF PYTHAGORAS

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for
years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out
to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle,
the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp
was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was
only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from
a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the
knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to
fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle
raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from
the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus
proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the
squares of the other two sides.

ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE?

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend
college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers
for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two
that don't make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The
most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don't own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly
overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to
an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people
too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's
two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line.
You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You
rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days
when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new
friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you're made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before
big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which
of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a
catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting
off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans.
This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to
talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your
college application you don't mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political
prisoner."
b. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled
your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A
for effort.
7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You're asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football
scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a
Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.
The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams,
be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the
country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations
and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb
out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations.
In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your
first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health
practitioner immediately!

Teaching Math in,

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

Rules of the Modern World

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).

Then, Here i come

Then get on wid'it suc!<er!

@iwajay
definitely not wat u're thinkn.

Who da Fuc!< are ya.
I think ur user name shuld be "simplystupid"

Well even if a girl is banged by 100 guys only 1 sperm will win. So dont boda bout the childs mixed personality.

Geek

And?

t e s s y !