Nice writeup. However I believe APC lost out completely on this one...

CC: lalasticlala

bukatyne:
What a thread

@OP: Your friend definitely gets high on abuse, please leave her

@ LewsTherin: I get where you are coming from though I doubt the Bible considers remarrying on ground's of divorce due to adultery a sin.

If separation occurs (God forbid) and

1. I have kids: will forget marriage and invest in excellent dildos

2. I have no kids: will pray for clearance to marry... none forthcoming; adopt a kid and invest in....

@lilmax: a lot truly see these signs however if mommy & daddy's marriage was like that, what do you expect?

Some ladies sure saw the signs and well went ahead

Honestly, I don't get it. I would do same thing you just wrote here if I were in her shoes. It won't be easy, but in life what is?
She has stated she hates him but can't leave him because ...the Lord hates divorce... I don't think I can do that!

stag:


Scientifically correct. But generally the heart is attributed as being responsible for decisions based on emotions and sentiments. The brain calculates logically. So the brain give you a clear-cut Yes/No. But the heart complicates it.

Most of these women know what exactly to do but the grip their hearts have on such matters is stronger than any logic the brain can conjure up.
So the brain tells them to quit the abusive relationship, but the heart makes pleas and so the average woman judges her case with the sentiments/emotions of societal beliefs, children, tradition, the thoughts of another woman taking over her place etc against the backdrop of permanent physical injuries to her and even being killed.

This is typical of an average woman in abusive relationship around us here.

Nice write up... I see it as a case of logic vs stupidity though.

stag:
Classical dilemma between the head and the heart

Please explain. Because for all I know, all the heart does is pump blood...

SAMBARRY:
is it in your sitting room I commented abi which one is ya own. Mr man respect yasef and face ya front o

Noted. It's an open forum after all.

LewsTherin:
The vows most people have taken during their wedding include "for better and for worse, till death do us part". As a Christian, the bible says we must keep our vows. A husband with an abusive streak is still a husband (a wife too if she's the abusive one). And divorce is not the Christian way. However, the Bible holds EVERYONE responsible for their own actions and a woman (or man) who remains in an abusive marriage because "of what people will say, because I am an elder in church, because of the children, because...." should have her (his) head examined. You are married to the fellow, that's sad. But you do not need to wait for the fellpw to maim or worse, kill you before you act. Even the donkey Balaam was flogging opened it's mouth when the flogging became too much!

Divorce is not right, but a seperation (and moving the kids out too!) is very appropriate. It is needed to save your life, it is needed to remove the kids from an improper environment and it is necessary to show the man (or woman) the error of their ways. That may just be what is needed to bring them back to their senses (if they had it before).

AND DON'T LET SOCIETY PRESSURE YOU INTO GOING BACK UNTIL THE FELLOW GETS PROFESSIONAL AND EMPIRICALLY MEASURABLE HELP!

Maybe if I was just told by someone who heard, or I had not seen the video, I wouldn't be advocating divorce. Here's a man who has chased her from their home over 3 times (the second time with two of their children) only to come begging and then she'll return saying "...as children of God, we should forgive..." only for it to happen over again. Sometime in 2007 when he chased her out, she stayed with me and I didn't know to what extent it was so I urged her to only ensure (probably in writing) that he would not hit her again. Since then, I've become an enemy in their house. I am not welcome there, and if the husband finds out she came to my office, "all hell will break loose".
Is that the definition of what marriage is supposed to be?

I'm not saying she should remarry, I'm saying she should leave him for good. Legally!

SAMBARRY:
The sky is so big for every bird to fly. GOD has given every human the freedom of CHOICE before and after marriage and if a woman decides not to exercise jer freedom of choice by leaving and decides to stay what the hell is my business with that after all nobody can't help anyone who doesn't want to help herself well. In fact it has come to my notice that some women enjoy violence and abuse. It makes them feel good and turns them on.



abeg next

Seeing that it is not your business, you could have simply ignored the thread. But no, you still had to comment.........

lilmax:
You guys keep saying the same thing every time
.......some ladies see these bad traits in them before marriage and yet they still go about with getting married, so tell ladies they should erase the idea of dating a bad guy and thinking he will or they can change him after marriage

thorpido:
Divorce should be a last resort.Every effort should be made to work out the problems that arise but if there is no end in sight,especially the abuse,it must come to an end.
What is however more important is the foundation of the marriage.Young people are getting into marriages with the foundation of greed and material gains.There is a lot of impatience too and sexual relationships becloud the mind to pay attention to the more important things......respect,friendship,level headedness etc

EfemenaXY:
^^ Well said.
A lot of ladies are at fault here. Judging a man's suitability for marriage based on the quantity and quality of gifts he showers on her, rather than using that precious dating period to study his character, have in-depth conversations with him to assess his views on the really relevant stuff...like his views on finance, career prospects after childbirth, ironing out religious differences, and even social matters like how they plan on relating with in-laws, and so on.

Yes a whole lot of women get married for reasons that will not qualify as logical, I get that. But what happens when a woman believes she is under the illusion of love? Is that also a crime?

The lady I used as an example has been married for 27 years. The hubby didn't even have a decent job when they got married so the material things idology just can't hold water. She is a pharmacist and was fortunate to get a good job after her NYSC which they used to survive for years until he settled financially. She is not a young person and divorce should definitely be a last resort, but she says this has been going on for over 20 years with no sign of any light at the end of the tunnel.

The perspective of most ladies (and to a larger extent, the society) on marriage makes me consider it as one highly overrated institution.

I know the issue of domestic violence has been over-flogged, but is it really reducing? Sometimes I sit back and wonder why a lot of people attach extreme importance to marriage. I mean, I know it is important (I am married myself) but I really don't buy the idea of the institution of marriage being regarded as an end to itself.

Was reading this post (https://www.nairaland.com/2064882/what-right-does-pastor-disgracing) and got really livid when I came across this comment:

kaima1984:
50% right,for him t talk to sis faith like that,it means that sis faith has been rejecting suitor's my dear,for d fact that he reacted that way on her it means he want d best f her,d pastor is her spiritual director,lastly some issues are solved in an extreme way like this

and to even think it was written by a woman

I have a friend who has been married for 27 years and has been going through severe domestic abuse (mental, physical, psychological, emotional) but will not leave the marriage for reasons I would consider flimsy; "...divorce goes against my God and I will not sin against him..."
When will people realize that marriage was made for the satisfaction and enjoyment of both parties, and not the torture and endurance of either? I used to think her case was that of normal couples' misunderstanding until her children showed me a video of her husband doing the deed. This reduced me to sobbing like a 5-year-old. Why would a man in his mid-50's be pulling his wife's hair like he is attempting to de-scalp her, while whipping her severely with the buckle of his belt (I counted more than 30 strokes round her body in the video ) all the while intermittently punching and slapping her face? And to think that he didn't care doing it in front of their children? And from what I could grab, the reason for that was so trivial that I couldn't bring myself to fathom it: Because she drove one of his cars and came back with a dent on it.

Marriage should be seen as a means to an end; the end being "HAPPINESS" and not an end in itself, so if you are not yet married, do not allow the society put unnecessary pressure on you because if you get into an endurance marriage, the society won't be there to sympathize with you. And if you are married and your marriage is all about gloom, don't be scared to get out ASAP, because if you get maimed, you will almost certainly suffer it alone, and if you die, someone else will take your place. The world will not end.

Personally, I would rather be divorced and happy, than married and broken...

I want to say thank you all for your contribution. After all the calls and mails I put in for her, she changed her mind and has decided to "leave it for God (for the hundredth time) to change him divinely"... Seems abuse, when accepted over a long period of time can break your body, spirit and soul...

Gracias.

aisha2:
Project Alert
on Violence Against Women (PROJECT ALERT)

Address: 21, Akinsanya Street
Off Isheri Road, Taiwo Bus stop (Behind FRSC)
Ojodu - Berger
P.O.Box 15456, Ikeja
Lagos, Nigeria
Telephone/E-mail: 234-1-8209387; 08052004698; 08180091072
projectalert@projectalertnig.org
info@projectalertnig.org
ABUJA OFFICE
26 Bamenda Street, Off Abidjan Street,
Wuse Zone 3
Telephone: 234 -8708618

Also she can google FIDA they are federation of women lawyers located all round Nigeria.

But what does the woman want?
If the woman herself just wants a pity party none of these organisations can help her.
Except she decides for herself that she has had enough and is willing to work with them to end it not the one she will hang them when they have committed their efforts

Thanks a lot...

@bolded, I really hope so too... I understand it can be frustrating... Thank you very much...

dapsy4u2:
. Why not send Aisha2 a pm then before matters get out of hand. Cheers

Thanks. Will do just that...

Evina:
Post the story on family section. Ensure to copy Aisha2.

She has a wealth of experience in matters that affects women and requires the attention of an NGO.

All the best.

Thanks, but I think not yet. The husband is a nairalander and I don't want things escalating too quickly...

Please I'm in need of an NGO that can help with the liberation of a married woman from severe physical, mental and emotional torture abuse. The story is too sad to put up here because I don't want anyhow comments. Please PM me contact details. Thanks.

P.S.: Based in PH and married for more than 25years