₦airaland Forum

Hello everyone

i just want to thank you again for your imput on my situation. we decided to get a separation because too much had happened.

i got admitted in hospital for nervous breakdown after meeting my former BF at the gym, so after my mental breakdown all the pain and anger i felt towards my husband wasnt healthy for me at all. i even was fantasising of stabbing him in his sleep and was physically attacking him as well. lets just say my rage was uncontrollable so we had to separate. i know am not making sense but i dont make sense lately. i am a naturrally soft, gentle and humble person but lately i am somebody else. thank u guys aam currently on antidepressant and seeing a psychiatrist

maybe i should explain in details how our marriage was, itwasnt just sexually driven as such, i just thought to mention it cos i thought man cheat because of sex.

my hubby and i had a very good and loving marriage, like when he comes back from work i will rush to the garage to greet him, kiss him and carry his computer bag in the house while i ask how his day was, and then i will warm his dinner while he goes to change and sit next to him while he is eating rubbing his shoulders while he tell me exactly what he did at work and then when he finish eating he will normally start rubbing my feet and ask me how my day was.
we will continue to just talk about the curre affairs and even gossip a bit. we would them go check the kids becauase they sleep at 7pm and he arrives later than that.

he will then run some water for us in the bathtub and we will both bath together and go to bed.

from friday when we both come home to sunday morning we hardly leave home unless we feel like eating out or there is kiddies movies playing in the cinema. so we are always together the entire weekend with the kids. our relationship was very affectionate and loving

when hubby is stressed from work and start snapping at me i will ussually shout back and we will maybe scream at each other for 3minutes and then after that we start laughing and he apologises, its a way for him to blow out steam.
he absolutely hates it if i ignore him when he is shouting.
i never discussed my marriage with my bf ever because hubby and i always solved our problems together.
this is the first time we are both dealing with the problem of this magnitude ever since we met.

i think his friends are betraying him to me because they know my stance on adultery so they already concluded that i am divorcing him and thus owes him no loyalty, so they think he wont find out since i am so angry at hubby that they think i would revenge myself on him with one of them. STUPID FOOLS SMH

Chinum:
Now this reminds me of a certain post sometime ago by a guy. He said dat d mother in-law caught him kissing d wife's best friend(dat she also met her in boarding sch). He said d said d said lady was irresistible due to her big cup size or sth like dat.

Na so dem go dey experiment till they r caught then they remember d scriptures.

Op just being curious. Has ur mum ever come to stay with u guys. The lady too did she stay wif u guys @ a certain time? Is d winsch busty?

no my friend never slept in my house or is around my husband a lot because i always met her for lunch frim work or chat with her on whatsapp.

normally weekend is a family time so me and hubby never make plans any of our friends on weekend at all. so my friend came to my house occassionally just like his friends.
yes my mom slept at my house but its less than 3 times ever since we were married

kaboninc:
I really do not have any intention to say anything but since it is an unsolicited advice, maybe I can try.

You see mulanbaba,

I think these people telling you how 'single' you can be, how you should move on with your life simply because of one 'adventurous' affair of your husband, how women always suffer when their partner cheat, really do not like you one bit. Because when you've filed for divorce, or go 'single' mode or 'move on' with your live, when the storm disappears, and the water becomes still and the tension eventually fades, they won't be there to 'live' with you. They won't be their to not make you feel lonely nor share your pains nor blame. It will be just you and you.

See, I don't know ur hubby but from your narrative, from the angles of his buddies, I think your friends scolding you for sending him out are actually correct. This world is a harsh one and only the smartest survive. No one shares your pity. No one actually cares. You just have to fight and be smart about it.

Sometimes the decision you take might seem foolish but in reality, they happen to be the best. Since you do love your husband - it is very glaring that you do - hold on to him. However you want him to 'pay' for his 'sin' just don't break him because you'll end up breaking yourself.

Good luck to you.

Cheers!

i am not neccesarily trying to punish or spite his at all. right now i am just reacting as per my feelings. maybe i will forgive him one day am not sure cos he really chose a wrong person to cheat with. i met this woman at boarding school in high school so she was like a sister to me

bukatyne:
OP: whether you take him back or not is your prerogative:

However, Please ditch all your friends and Hubby 's friends.

You both have managed to surround yourselves with snakes on both sides.

Quick question: were you guys the happiest couple /most settled marriage amongst them?

yes, my friend is a single mother of two and all hubbys friends are divorced. his friends always used to joke that if he mess up they will marry me because good woman are hard to find so now i see it wasnt a joke at all.
our marriage was one of those that people always complemented because we were just good together.
we understood each other interlectually,emotionally and spiritually.
so i can safely say before this bombshell i could swear that my husband is not a cheating type. Now i dont know anymore

so my friends just want me to keep the perfect couple image and forget my pain

andromida:
It just feels to me like you are putting yourself under so much pressure to impress your husband sexually to the point where you suggest swinging even when you don't like it. I wonder why you are under so much pressure to sexually prove yourself to your husband. Could he be feeling pressured as well?
You mention sexual satisfaction a lot so your relationship feels very sex based.

If you choose to forgive him maybe you guys should communicate about other needs apart from sex.

i dont know maybe its because i wasnt sexually active when i met him so i wanted to be good for him but then i had some fantasies too that he met as well just like i met his, so i guess since he fulfilled my fantasies and i thought i fulfilled his i thought i should be enough

thorpido:
Just curious mulanbaba,are u based in SA?Is your hubby and your best friend Nigerians?

hubby is nigerian. two of his best friends are zimbabwean and one nigerian

An0nimus:
Thought as much. The way you type reminds me of a South African friend

About your case, its human to feel the way you do but whatever decision you finally decide to take try and be strong for the kids. Please rule out suicide.

All will be well with time. Be strong

thank you, i didnt try to commit suicide, i was just suicidal at the time.

typing here about my feelings has really made me better. Thank you everyone for taking time to give me advice, i really appreciate. i just needed a neutral ear i guess. God bless you all for calming my burning heart

An0nimus:
Sorry to digress ma'am but are you Nigerian?

Yes but born and raised in South Africa why?

its also true that whats hurts the most is that he cheated with my best friend. At the moment i am just numb towards him, no feelings whatsoever. i am also shocked that his best buddies are betraying him the way they are doing right now because he is currently staying at his( the one who suggested a divorce lawyer) house since he is single. So hubby is always asking him to come talk to me on his behalf but the friend comes to my house to encourage me to divorce him instead, i mean what is that?

does this mean one cant trust friends anymor? because the rate at which they are willing to backstab him shows that they dont like him at all.

and i am also deducing that my best friend must have hated me to have an affair with him.
I mean none of his friends hev anything nice to say about him to me so it shows that they have been jealous of him all along, because three of them got married after us and they are all divorced.
i am so confused because what he did is not a small thing at all, i am struggling to believe that he hasnt cheated before this incidence maybe i just never found out.

i mean how can he cheat when i perfom so well for him sexually, what was missing? how can i trust that i will ever be enough for him?
So at the moment NL is where i can say how i feel and get differeent perspective and some home truths.

did my suggesting swinging to him drove him to cheat?

How come friends he trust so much are willing to betray him so easily? are humans naturally so callous?

andromida:
So the swinging was for him not even for you. Are you saying you are not comfortable with swinging yet you suggested it just to please him. I am not judging the swinging not that I am even in a position to judge, just don't get why you would suggest something you are not comfortable with.

no we are very open about sex etc so i just wanted to hear his view on it and he definately shut it down. i cant say what i would hev done if he said yes but i was glad he said no. But i was in no way saying he can cheat cos swinging involves both of us doing things with other couples. i was just mentioning it hear to show that i am not a prude at all and i know my hubby is sexually satisfied at home so i dont understand what made him wanna go outside.
i am a humble person who submit ti him and treated him like a king and he did treat me like his queen as well so his cheating wasnt expected at all, thats why i am so hurt and shocked i guess

ladies i suggested swinging because i wanted to see if his kinks goes that far but he definately was not interested at all. as for his friends he has always known that they find me attractive he just trusts me and he thought that they wont persue their feelings.

now that he opened the way they are all stabbing him in the back SMH. Humans. saying i dont need him, they have more money, he will take better care of me etc.

thats why i came here cos i hev no one to talk to. my friends are on hubbys side,his friends want me, my family deslike him so i wanted neatral opinions and somewhere to express my pain

Wedon,Sophy and free
at least you guys understand where i am coming from. my husband hurt me a lot and i need to take neccessary steps of healing instead of acting as if nothing happened like my friends are suggesting.
he cheated with my best friend!!! both of them were acting so normal infront of me that had i not seen a whatsapp arriving on his phone while he was showering i wouldnt have believed anyone who came and told me such

i then went to the bathroom and asked when was the last time he spoke to my friend and he lied saying three weeks, which was a lie because i saw his call logs that they were talking three times a day 20minutes at a time and that he had her pictures as well so i was definately pissed and shouted and screamed.

i probably looked like a mad woman that day

i hear what everyone is saying and yes its the first time he cheated thats why i am breaking apart, so much because i wasnt expecting it and that its with my best friend so, its a double sword on me. its weighing me down. i havent told my family because they dont like him so they will use this to make me leave him. Maybe i will forgive him someday i dont know. i am currently seeing a counsellor so yeah i hope to snap out of this two.

as for my best friend i cut her out already maybe one day i will ask her why,but for now i am more concerned about myself and healing. he is very remorseful but i dont know if its because he was caught or not!!

he asked his friend to plead on his behalf instead his friend is now propositioning me and suggesting divorce lawyer for me and that he will help me financially!!! so now i see how easy to be betrayed by a friend thats why i havent told folks to come and escalate things. I am just hurting and needs like mind to say my feelings to cos i clearly cant talk with his friend since he doesnt have my hubbys interest at heart two. SMH. Humans are really deceitful indeed

ok , i will start from the beginning Hubby and i met in University.I was a virgin but not because of religion as such, i just chose to wait for the one thats all. We have been married for 12years now and i can safely say it was happily so until three months ago,when i found out that he has been having an affair with my best friend and kicked him out of the house.

now since then all my married friends have been on my case that i am pushing him into the other womans arms etc,and that i shouldnt hev come that close to single woman. No one is recognising that i am deeply hurt, i am depressed, i cant even clean my house or bath my kids and myself. i am in this deep dark hole and i have contemplated suicide

i had to get sick leave from work because i feel incapacitated right now, i can barely leave the house unless i fetch the kids from school. i had to hire a maid cos even cooking wasnt possible.

Now all the advices i am getting is how i must not push him away and still act as a wife and stop being hurt and forgive him as if one can just stop coughing even though they have TB!!,
coming to our marriage we have always had a kinky sex life so there is no position available that we havent tried axcept anal cos he is not interested. i am a very open minded person so he knows no subject is a taboo between us, but he knows that cheating and abuse are a deal breaker for me.

He has shown remorse and hev been apologising but my pain is just so deep right now. i hev asked him why and he doesnt hev any reasons because i had even suggested we explore swinging to spice our sex life which he said a big NO. So i am so confused cos i know i am a good looking woman who doesnt look older than 23 and i work out so am very toned and i do get attention a lot from other men still. so why did he do it? and why are people more concerned about him than my pain? at the moment i really dont care whether other woman take him or not because i feel injured and the wound is very deep.

so ladies please help me understand why should i be the one acting as if its my fault even though my heart is bleeding?

thank you yields i will do the steps you mentioned and see if her hair changes. i never leave her hair out. i normally wash it on friday and deap condition it, then air dry and african plait it until sunday to strech it for proper plaiting. i normally leave her hair in plaits for two weeks.

No i never say anything bad about her hair infact i always call it pretty. she even has a black barbie and other ethnic haired dolls.

she loves her hair in two strand twists because she can touch it and is always shaking it. i was thinking of leaving the twists for six weeks and then do mini braids with her hair because i read that it can be washed and with her hair almost sandy every week i like washing it.

she has a low density hair while i have very high density and low porosity hair.
thank you so much for the advices cos i always wonder why her hair never looked moisturised while mine does and yes i use the same products on her

This is my hair. I completely shaved everything from my head when i started my daughters hair journey so dat i can practice on my head as well. So this hair is 1year exact. 1st pic its slightly streched and in first pic its still damp. So you see my daughers hair is similar to mine without products? Her hair was also slighly damp in both photos

@yields
No i never used heat after we started the natural hair journey, its her hair colour and i had just washed it and air dried it without products there. Her hair is kind if dull but i cant colour it since she is still young so yeah it looks like that. And i had just trimmed it there. Is there a remedy for dull hair?
And yes i have always had issues with her edges, i mostlt african plait her hair so i think it was pulling her edges. I now am just doing the mini twists on her to recover her edges. So any advice will be appreciated cos am still learning as i go
Here is anada pic of her hair that same day

first pic is now and second pic is the damaged and breaking hair before

hello ladies

i have been reading this thread since its inception and it really helped me in starting my natural hair journey. i have a four year old daughter whom i used to relax, SMH but i had no idea how to do natural hair at all. before i came to this thread i didnt know that one can keep the hair natural because i have a tender head so keeping natural hair was not an option for me cos my head will be sore just combing relaxed hair .

my daughters hair was damaged because of the relaxer and lack of proper care and i was frastrated so i kept cutting it short. so in 2013 december i started on the healthy hair journey for her and this are the before and after pics.

Thank you ladies, had i not come across this thread i would still be ingorant and frastrated with her hair