justscorch:



All this abokii girls sef,Oya tell me what do u want from me?

Nothing.
Keep doing you. Nothing dey happen.

justscorch:



Is that what we are doing now? Keep replying me and u might just get "IT"

Don't start no SH..and there won't be any IT. You referenced a song and I replied in kind...and what?

Originalsly:
I hear you on the finances. But if he has a history of not accepting money from you ...for gas and whatever...why are you trying to give him money at this point? Don't you realize that he is one that believes man must always be the provider? ...in good times or bad? If he is able to manage financially at this point why offer him money? Even if offering him a "break up gift" would be good for your soul....why must it be money? ....which you should've known he would not accept? Why not buy him a gift....like normal lovers do? You talk of love but your actions and line of thought would make one believe that you view the relationship as a business. ...."I love my business...but at the moment I need to shut it down because of personal reasons...to you my faithful customer who had no plan B...here is N Bleep as a token to show how much I love you....I want you to remain my loyal customer but I wouldn't say if or when I'll reopen". OP... no doubt ...you love him as a brother.....but you crossed over into a different kind of love and relationship....if you pull out you cannot be friends again....you become the ex and that's why he is saying stay away..no friendship....as an ex you should not be around him period...free the guy...get out of his life and let him find someone to love him through thick or thin...someone who they both can share and help each other overcome their personal difficulties. Free the guy....you don't deserve him.

Ouch!!
Sir, I have heard you and I get it. He rang me last night cos he's not feeling well, sick with a bad cold. I'm going to go over and check on him soon. My relationship should be a partnership not a business. I do understand that. Thank you.

@justscorch
You can't step to me about being loyal with Chris Brown lyrics...lol
Who has he been loyal to?? Besides and his song is as weak as water. You gotta come harder than that.

justscorch:
I know a rich nigggga wants u and u feel there's nothing ur niggga can do for ya,Wallahi bish u ain't loya-Chris Brown

"You can ride for a niggah your whole life...New punny fucck it up in one night!"-K.Michell Loyal female remix

Nmeri17:
op PA MEAT me to say you arr genuinely wicked

1. you asked yo boyfriend to free you because you wanno FOCUS on other things ostensibly more important than him

2. he agreed. and you requested to friendzone him

3. you wanno rub his financial INADEQUACIES into his face by offering him money and

4. hoarding the punny even for one last time

I suggest the FG execute you in place of the 52 soldiers on death row

2. We started off as friends. Currently we are in a dating relationship and he has not agreed to be friends.
3. He is NOT financially inadequate, lots of men go thru rough patches. He'll be fine.
4. Not right to send mixed signals...not cool at all!

chimchim1:

I don't believe u. What's it dt u can't share wt him. Or is he the cause of ur problems. I am married and can be frustrating sometimes but no matter what I am happy I married her. If u think u can have a future wt him why not solve the problems wt him. It's either u have a better person and the person is already buying his place in ur heart and u re trying to pay him off or u re tired of him cos u have realized he's not ur kind or class of person. My opinion though!

No sir, I'm not that kind of woman to cheat or entertain another man. He knows that's not my style. I hope he and I can have a future as well.
I appreciate your feedback.

aflyingbird:
lmao. i ain't being hostile, i'm not being nicey nicey to u like some folks r, straight no chaser here. i told u to work on urself, i see u really should do that now. u keep telling me u don't understand my point, u be mumu ni? . u've admitted u need to work on urself, i told u u've likely felt this way before u started this relationship, u admitted this too and u are not emotionally mature to handle this relationship. u felt this way from the jump, u feel this way today u will feel this way tomorrow. if u know u can't be in a relationship and work on urself at the same time then free the guy and do the needful for urself. better for both of u. a relationship is not by force n whatever u do stay away from relationships till u are really ready or u will keep breaking up with men prematurely! UNDERSTOOD?!

Review your previous comments as well as mines. You said: People don't just wake up one want to take care of themselves. My response was: I've always taken care of myself. And by that I mean my overall well being. If you calmed yourself for a second, perhaps you could stop exchanging MY WORDS for your own. I think you are trying to twist my words but you would have to wake up much earlier to pull that off, honestly.

*NEVER been*

dinachi:
The guy is having financial problems and you are not happy that you chose a man who can't provide. It is very clear to me..because you should not be breaking a relationship to focus on yourself if you really loved the guy. Afterall, people prefer their lover around as they make progress in life. What exactly do you want to do? Take a course abroad or what? It is good you clearly tell the man the truth. O boy I don tire for you as you no get money! Make I go hustle guy weh get. Stop pretending it is nit about financial status.

It appears that you may have skipped over my previous post. I make my own money and I'm ok. It appears to be a strange concept for some to grasp but plenty of women are handling their business in the financial department. I've been dependent on a bf income and hopefully never will. He can attest to that himself.

nairaman66:


Listen to yourself.., you are the one throwing everything away because you are the woman and women do have public sympathy all day long even if they are wrong.

If the guy truly loves you, I am sure you will end up regretting all your actions from today. I have been in similar situations 2 years ago.. Believe me, the girl in questions is still at the receiving end.

Karma is a biatch!

Indeed she is. I've been faithful and supportive to the best of my ability and honest above all else. So Karma and I can kick it anytime.

[quote author=aperture11 post=29264400]

Hi Nieema, you seem like a really nice person and that you love your boyfriend. A compromise in a relationship is not getting out of it because things have now become inconvenient. The major issue in this relationship as I see it is that you are giving more than you are getting (You said so yourself). The fact that you focus more on his needs more than yours affirms that you love him. I hope you are a Christian because you need deep understanding of 1 Corinthians 13 (read it from either Message or NIV).

You cannot continue solving problems the way you have always done, as others have said, what if you were married what would you do. If you actually had plans to marry this guy someday then you shouldn't end this relationship to sort yourself out - it is a very selfish act, but if you guys don't have an actual future planned out, by all means jet off.

I once delayed my relocation out of Nigeria for several years because the person I was dating didn't want long distance relationship and she was in school, we still broke up in her service year but I never regretted my decision for one day, I truly loved her and I wanted to marry her.

A quick note though, friendships after relationship rarely works even if that was the basis for the relationship. You will still have feelings for each other and moving on will be so difficult. My ex wanted same and I kindly objected.

The decision ultimately is yours and from what you have written since I think you mind is made up already. I wish you all the best.[/quo te]
Yes sir,
I read it, thank you. I should probably read that on a regular.
Bold text: I'm thinking you are right, although a hard pill to swallow.
I am Christian enough not to respond in kind to some of these nasty insults. Does that count for anything?

Newkidoo:

You are welcome.. Are you here to stay or just here because of this topic
If it is the former, will like to be ya friend..

I've been around here for a while. I finally registered today because I need some honest feedback. I know nairalanders would give it unedited.

aflyingbird:
u don't play the blame game but u suddenly brought up the comment about what he needs in a gf, as if he's demanding. u must be a blind reader or u can't comprehend. i don't sugarcoat things, i told u like it is. don't pretend like u didn't get my posts. break up with him and work on urself, ok? got it?

@ the bold: You are repeating what I originally posted...you'll get no argument from me. Sugar is not something I'm a big fan of either. I never mentioned anything about him being demanding. You made your own assumptions. Perhaps you can allow your hostility to subside and think about what you're really trying to convey to me. I don't know what your point is. Thank you for correcting my grammatical error...it happens.

Newkidoo:

I just don't know why I like you...
Well my advice dear.. Happiness is a thing of the heart.. You can look for hapiness from here to London if u r not happy with yourself you cant find happiness.. So dear work on yaself. No need breaking up with him, explain things to him.. Sometimes you might need your space, sometimes you will surely want him around.. Breaking up with him won't give u d happiness u r looking for.. Just work on yasef.. That's all..

I like you.. Just ya name makes me like you.. Welcome to nairaland though!! You will get used to d insults soon

100% TRUE Sir, thank you for the kind reminder. I love nairalanders, they speak their minds o.

galaxi:
i understand how you feel when he rejects your financial help but honestly,a real man finds it hard to accept a gift he can't afford.
my gf is comfortable and have always tried helping me stand on my feet financially but i have always turned it down,even a car gift. I can't say if it is pride but is very hard for me but i know i love her.
I advice you just talk over this issues with him,and don't break up with him.

I get what you are saying. Just hard watching a person struggle and sitting there doing nothing to help. Maybe my timing was off a bit.

kaboninc:


He asks you about your problems (because he cares) not because he can solve it but listening to it makes him be a part of it and tells you that he has willingly committed himself to it. But you wouldn't tell him (going by your comments here).

Yet you know he has a financial problem for which he STRONGLY needs help but rejects your offer? In fact YOUR own offer? You guys are in a relationship but still not in a relationship. You keep ur problems personal and he keeps his and you two know about it.

From now till whenever, he may never accept your gift because I feel he's excluded from you. Men, especially when we're facing financial difficulties, that's one of our most vulnerable situation and we need the complete support from our partner. That guy will be hurt and see will see that gift from you as a compensation.

Am not saying you shouldn't break up, but as someone rightly said, a problem shared is half solved. When you do break up, he'll be only interested in that particular personal issue you want to resolve. He'll ask you when you two talk about it. Until he knows, he'll never give up.

And in the future, learn to share your problems may bits to your partner and fully anonymously.

Yes sir, thank you.

aflyingbird:

What does he need in a gf? Are u trying to shift the blame on him now? U want to break up with him because you're not happy with yourself and want to focus on your life, not about what he needs in a gf. I bet he's a good guy himself. Him not wanting to break up with you though u have issues means he wants to stick with u. Most guys would've dipped after sensing ur insecurities. Let me break it down for u: folks don't just wake up one day realizing they need to take care of themselves all of a sudden. If u feel like this, then you've always felt like this, way before u began ur relationship with him. U probably shouldn't have gotten into the relationship because u were not emotionally ready to handle it from the start. Now that I know this, u should break up with him because u don't love him like u want to maintain and u are not emotionally mature enough to handle the relationship. If he's smart enough he would move on himself. A relationship shouldn't be by force.

I don't play the blame game..it's pointless. You are absolutely, I've always felt like I should take care of myself...still not getting your point sir.
He's not most guys and I'm not most gals. I'm not interested in emotional rants. I'd like to get some constructive feedback if you have any to offer please.

zeb04:
Nieema I understand how you feel.
If you think you need a litl break for your mental sanity,so be it.
Even husbands and wife sometimes need the time to focus on themselves and most time,the go on vacation alone.

You are not selfish.r/ships esp (destructive ones)most times saps all your energy and strength.if he is such a reasonable person,he would understand .

Break up gift in whatever form is bad eithers sex or money is like an insult and in the long run,he wld feel bad and you wld feel bad.

That has been made clear. Thank you.

Chommieblaq:
If u truly love tell him ur problems, let he be d courage u need cos ain't easy to break up with someone dats loves u so much and still be friends. Babe u go loose both d friendship and love, every one of us is fighting a personal Battle, yet a push or love of our love ones keeps us going.

Yes, I agree it may help to share my problems with him. I will.

goldentee:
Wake up! Wake up!! This is dreamland. Oh! Sorry Nairaland I mean

My name isn't Beyonce...I'm not ballin' like that yet!!LOL
But I hope God grants you ALL of your heart's desires.

EnlightenedSoul:
If you know you need some time alone, take it. But keep in mind that he isn't obligated to accept you l8r on when you've sorted yourself out. And please, no breakup gift.

Try a letter. I've done those b4.

Agreed.

ifyebere:
If I were u nieema, I would take my time and count the amount of people advicing and telling u it's not worth ur breaking up with him. Let me tell u real good, if break up with him naw thinking dat later in life he'l accept u back after u might av been done achieving ur "energy boost and lucozade" ma dear Hope not, it won't happen...

U can always acheive ur goals in dat same relationship while u give ur SPACE, just let him understand u need Space nd d kind of time he use to get from u as usual will av to get reduced so u can acheive wht u wanna acheive or build...

My dear be wise, weather he's broke or not it's not ma biz, I just need U to respect and Blive in him, he's broke DONT YOU THINK IT'S NOW HE NEEDS U D MOST? If you knw dat guy is hard working and u know and Blive he'l come out present situtuation (hard working guy) Blive me or not U will see him date another Gul nd for sure u will see dat gul1 day pregnant with his baby. I pray by then u also married if not... u'l have urself to blame.

Thank you ifyebere,
He knows I respect & believe in him and has told me this much. I realize that I've been putting his needs before mines. When we had the conversation about breaking up I asked him could we just take a break from each other. He still said no. He doesn't feel that we need a break. Aren't relationships about compromises? I would understand if he needed to take a little time for himself. And it would not come with a disclaimer to terminate all ties. I will always be there for him no matter how this ends..or turns out.

@aflyingbird:
It's easy to assume you know what is right for somebody else until you are in their position. You are not dating him and you don't quite understand what he needs in a gf. It feels like I have myself in the relationship and currently it is a must that I focus on my own well being. If you are unable to understand that one needs to first take care of themselves then your perspective is wack...not mines. When did it start being wrong to take my own interests into consideration?

aflyingbird:

u don't think it's fair becus he doesn't want 2 be friends after u break up with him, u r very selfiish . u want to give him money only as a way to keep him from moving on. u want to break up with him but u r still hoping he will b there when u r ready to get back with him again, bullshitt . save d excuses, u don't love him! if u do, u won't want to end it but u'll want to share wat u u are going thru with him bcus dats wat real couples do, not run away . u don't hv 2 spend every waking minute 2geda, u can still b with him n focus on urself, but if u want to end it completely u don't love him! save d nice front, abeg! in marriage there are no breaks, u ride it out n stick together.

Where did you read that we are married? We are dating sir.

chyket:
Think properly,does this breakup has anything to do with his present financial situation?when he was buoyant,was he good to you financially?.Personally I know that men are very sensitive when they are broke so he is likely to feel that you are leaving because he is broke at the moment.If you sincerly love him and there is a possibility of his bouncing back financially in the short run,why don't you [b]work with him to get back at his feet [/b]and at that point that he has his groove back you can now leave him.He is very likely to take the breakup better at that point

About a week ago, I asked for his account number for me to make a deposit as my Christmas gift to him. He said, "No I'm fine." I understand his pride sensitivities but I am financially stable and I have the to means to help him. I truly love him and his finances are of no consequence to me. I earn a decent living and I was raised to save. I don't exactly know how to answer you because our relationship was not centered around him financially supporting me. I love him because of who he is not what he has. He has been a wonderful bf to me and vise versa.
Is there something in the brain of Nairaland mentally that can only equate Love with Money? I don't need his money I have my own. What I need more than anything is my own peace of mind. I don't quite know any other way to express it.
I would absolutely give him whatever I could afford to jumpstart him back on his feet. He has rejected my financial gestures even when I offered it in the name of a Christmas gift. I've tried to leave money in his car at times because I may have noticed the tank on empty and he will place the cash back in my purse. This man is able to provide for himself, he doesn't NEED my money. I don't like to seem him struggle cos I love him but he has always managed. I want him to have his peace as well.

Originalsly:
"I need to take care of some things in my personal life that require my full attention "....I guess you quit your job...dropped your friends...stop visiting family and just locked yourself in some room. Is this your gift money part of what he gave you before he fell on hard times? Two years and you never saw the need to focus on yourself.....until now...when he down and you are not seeing signs of him getting up again. Your mouth testifying that you love him but actions showing something different. Actions speak louder than words. He said no friendship....you should be happy to get the space to focus on yourself....why insist on being friends?....to have a foot in the door to rush back in if he gets back on his feet? Get out of his life.

Sir/Madam,
I have to let the chips fall where the may on this. I'd love to still be friends because it was our foundation. I won't press it but I'm allowed to hope. Sometimes it's all one has left in some situations. No, the monetary gift is from my own earnings. The present issue that has arrived with me is rather new. If money could solve my problem, I'm more than capable of remedying it on my own. Money is not the issue. If you have only experienced money related problems, consider yourself blessed. I wish this were my problem as I could easily solve it and move on. Unfortunately, it is not the case.

Lakeshizu:

Will you be available for him in the future?

Yes, I think so.

Bifwoli:


You sound like "one of a kind" and a genuinely caring person and I highly commend you for that.However, to me the greatest relationships is those that can withstand the toughest of times.Nothing in this world is more important than people-not money,not material stuff,nada.If some things "require full attention" and if he doesn't mind to sacrifice then he should be all-in-it for you.Yes,refocus on your life all you can but understand that nothing is static in life,things change,people change coz at some point in the future you're bound to feel differently.Yes,he needs to pull up his socks and it sounds like he can't live without you-every relationship has its difficulties- but it feels like its YOU who needs re-invention,self apparaisal and self critic the most(its you who's the stumbling block) ...and the key words for that reason is ..."MAIN reason is that I am NOT happy with myself".

Thank you for paying attention. It's exactly what I've been attempting to explain to him. You never see me blame him...I know I need to address my personal issues. Not sure why some person would attack me for it but these days I have not to energy to care. I know my own truth.

stint:

Hmmm i think i understand u a little better now, maybe that is because i am a little like you. You dont know how to ask for help. I like to think and think about my problems too untill a solution pops up. While going through this process, a lot of people get offended that i dont call, they say i dont care, the truth however is that I care more than most people.
If i am right and you really have something thats really confusing that you have to handle. I think you have two options
1. You can break up and then think and think over it untill a solution pops up or whatever the usual way is. Then u might have another problem of loneliness. Missing someone you live. Might.
2. Or you can take this opportunity to learn how to solve your problems while in a relationship with someone that loves you. You shouldnt feel bad to accept a help you know you would also render if the tables were turned. Especially when love is in the equation. Dear you will get married eventually and this wont be the last big problem you have to solve. What will you do then? Get some space?

Or maybe this is just one big sign that you both are not meant together. You have the right to walk away. Just try and make it the last option. Try and solve this problem in a way you havent solved it before, involve him. If it doesnt work, then you can break up and take the space you need.

I AM ASSUMING THERE IS NO OTHER GUY.

You are my twin sir. There is NO OTHER GUY.
My belief that most freindships last LONGER than relationships which is why I was hesitant to agree to date him in the first place.
I have seen how people can react if the relationship has to end...just read some of the comments on this thread. I stand in my own truth still.

damola1:


If that's your final decision. Then simply meet up with him, apologies that you cannot really do it any further, as you've personal issues to solve. Pay into his account, and do better than 40k. I sense, he'll need it more than anything, if you can, do better, possibly up to 100k if you can.

Now, to you. There's a popular saying, nothing is new under the sun. I have lost a lot more than I could gain because I tried to manage it by myself, eventually, I do, but it cost me more time, more pain, and a very stressful process, it's childish. Really, I should have taken advantage of a once in a life time opportunity, but I didn't share it enough, and I lost it. it's been: 4 years, and I am still trying to find ways around it.

I will strongly advise you to read more, expose yourself more, and then you'll realise, whatever you are trying to overcome is nothing, cos, others have fixed it before, and their experiences can easily guide you.

Thank you kindly.

sleek82:
Well I'm findin your excuse for breakup really hard to bliv...I guess your real reasons r still best known to you. I bliv if u have somethings to straighten in ur personal life, your partner shuld b one of the persons to help out. Im sori if I sound out of point here but anytime I go into a serious relationship, I see the lady as if she were ma wife and so I alwys find reasons to alwys keep her instead of lose her. I bliv if dis man means 'd world' to u, you wuldnt even give it a thought to lose him irrespective of wat u r goin thru. [b]Wat if u r married to him? [/b]Wont you still tackle ur personal probs and still av him beside you as ur husband? I think he might read a negative meanin to ur gift as I would if I were in his shoes.........just ma thoughts sha

I see your point. That is something I will try to work on.
Your points are valid. He has asked similar questions and I guess that is something to think about...lt will have to be later tho.