₦airaland Forum

As in ehn, I tire

alizma:
Oga carry your wahala go one side, it is obvious you don't understand the issue at hand or you are just out to confuse yourself.
If you can't understand, I expect you to read through other people's comment.

redrose88:
Good morning Nairaland members, I hope we have all had a nice week and are looking forward to the weekend.

I brought this issue here hoping for workable suggestions after seeing how you have helped other people with their various problems.

Apologies for the long post but I really need your help.

As far as I can remember my mother has always had some kind of issue with me, I don’t know, it’s like she hates me or something. Constant screaming, embarrassment, reporting me to my dad or her siblings since I was small. I usually chalked it up to traditional African upbringing or that she was tired or stressed from work but after visiting family back home (I grew up abroad) and them also coming to stay here I can say there is a difference between traditional/strict parenting and actual abusive behaviour.

Children are the centre of every Nigerian mother’s life and even if they have some tough love techniques or discipline that may look harsh to me as an oyibo they always show their love in other ways that you can observe.

Like making sure the child always looks neat, teaching them things they need to know especially female children like cooking, washing. At least you can always tell that the love is there even if its not all kissing or “I love you” and all that.

A small example: I would always end up at school with my hair messy and tattered, I wasn’t allowed to style it in the salon even though she always make sure her own hair looked good. If I asked to get a nice childrens style at a salon she would report that I’m trying to be like all these Jamaicans, Akata and so on. But when I visited Nigeria I never once saw any little girl whose hair wasn’t done nicely, even if they were living in the slums. And again, other Nigerian/Ghanaian children in the same school never looked the way I did so how is this an Africa vs. Akata issue?

It may sound silly now but it’s just a small example of her neglectful and nasty attitude that does not relate to being from Africa or being a good Christian or whatever.

If I wanted to ask her something she would snap at me and start being hostile, after a simple mistake she would tell me that I’m like my father’s side, and she placed a curse on me that my younger siblings would grow up to surpass me. Is this from African culture?

If I’m cooking she’s nagging everywhere, why am I doing it like this, why am I slicing it like that, why am I taking so long, why am I this and that. That I should stop blocking the kitchen and allow other people to use it. But when I ask what the correct way to do it is, she won’t tell me; she would prefer to mock me in front of everybody. Knowing how important cooking is for women in our culture why chase your daughter away from the kitchen?

What bothers me the most is that she is always very nice and kind to other people’s children (cousins, classmates, neighbours) and just normal with my siblings but the complete opposite when it comes to me. If she were just a mean person who was horrible to everybody, it would be much easier to handle but she’s not! All this seems to be reserved for me and me only.

As I grew older and started university I thought she was mellowing a little bit because she would draw me closer and have conversations but I noticed that most times her “niceness” was actually just manipulation to get me to do what she wanted, using me to dump her problems with my dad or to stop me becoming more independent. Any sign of independence and the insults start flying again, this is from somebody who always narrates how children start boarding school in Africa when they are 11 years old and university at 16 years old and don’t need to keep staying near their parents all the time.

I tried talking to her about the way she behaves but it always ended badly with her getting offended, telling me I’m being disrespectful and so on.

Actually after reading similar threads on Twitter/Nairaland I realised that the majority of elder African people would feel insulted if their child tried to broach such an issue with them, so I decided to abandon that method and I actually quite regret it.

And I also regret answering her back and getting into arguments with her because it only dragged me down to a lower standard and messed up my temperament without solving anything. As well as providing a poor example to my siblings and giving her more ammunition against me to report me with. I don’t like myself whenever I’m near her at all.

Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

I dont stay in the family home anymore but I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

The only explanation for this is she is transferring hatred for your biological father to you. You need to find out, the person you call your father may not actually be your father.