Do I tell my wife that the money I just
withdrew from the bank account is for
her birthday surprise gift?

once i went 2 a party by a guy who owed me. Wifey was livid but quiet. On d way home, see argument she wanted 2 place d blame on d guy, his wife or both, I was like can't someone take a moment off his hard life, and take a special moment. Even gifts are by consensus no crazy/xpensive gift.

tanidabi: men can't handle some things so be wise when opening up,they are human beings o

If I dont like my boss, I dont pretend to love him either I give him a wide berth.

If my spouse cannot handle something as is, I can break them in gradually.

When you look at life like: the Choices I make will make or mar me You can actually resolve a lot of issues.Take the case of adultery. You slept with my secretary/boss, To tell or to hide?

Assuming you have not made up your mind to cheat.

Case 1: Tell Your SpouseWifey gets mad, husband throw you out, imposes sanctions, tell ur pastor, freezes the account in her possession, moves out etc all hell let loose for a God knows how long, but you will definitely get to the bottom of the problem wether you want to continue that way or make positive changes. It may even make your marriage stonger.

Case 2: Hide ItThe girl now has special access to your life, you will likely do it again, the next milestone will be a pregnancy, the relationship begins to consume resources (time, money), you now need special procedures to cover your tracks both at work and at home. Finally, the cat is let out of the bag, and you will always go back to case 1. All hell is let loose.

Its an attitude thing. Why postpone the evil day.

olumidazz: Absolute crap its like deliberately sticking your neck out to be beheaded. Marriage by itself has given women more advantage, which one be open communication again? am not saying cheat! Or commit adultery, But woman and men are not wired the same way and will not reason on the same line of thought, you will find out that 99 % of decisions taken in these types of marriages are women inclined, its the delilah tactics, then when a minor misunderstanding occurs of 25 years in the marriage the men will commit suicide, because weather you like it or not, no matter how long it takes there will be misrep or misunderstanding somehow some way along the line, then you would have been checkmated.

He that must have friends must show himself friendly. I took a risk. So far it has worked great. The attitude is more like what happens if I put all my cards on d table. Moreover your wife can destroy you with better dexterity than anyone else. It appears safer to win her trust by being accountable

Let me give a case
I got a job on phone with d pay agreed on. Since my schedule was tight, I asked wifey 2 pick d letter n sign 4 me. D boss added 20k on d spot

My challenge is measuring the impact. Can u rate your marriage successful and what has the communication contributed?

I tend look out for the impact since it was my idea. Naija people no dey design relationship with feedback in mind

ileobatojo:

Can your wife have a boy toy that will cost her only 5k or less a month too?

The need 4 d boy toy will have been discussed since all s3x matters are up 4 discussion, so if I ain't good enough its open fact between us

yellowpawpaw: @op,I don't get u.u can't hv a galfriend..... What is d meaning of that pls.I think it kept pple from contributin to ur thread.

My wife know my full income, receives sms alert and can tell when d last withdrawn cash should be finished

We discuss all movement or eventualities so if I have girlfriend she will likely sniff her out from the cashflow alone except it's 4 free

I've been married for a while, and Open communication is a rule in my house. it creates the following scenarios

- I cannot have a girlfriend that will cost me more than 5000 per month
- I cannot go anywhere without my wife ending up knowing about it.
- My wife knows all my past relationships (she once joked to my sister that she knows who to suspect can bring a love child)
- All intimate topics are open for discussion.

It looks good to me because we end up getting closer and she feels safer to take risks with me even when she is not sure about the outcome (from experience)

What is your experience? Is this a safe strategy in this culture?

moved to family section

I think you should take one last trip with her before you make your conclusion. think of it a the last trip to remember her for (no disclosure of course)

Pick an entirely different setting and spend at least 1 week with the focus of getting to know her better.
Your sole aim it to try to get an idea of who she wants to be going forward. It may sound awkward but the cues are there if you find them.

Its who she wants to be from this point that is key, and that is what will determine where this whole thing will end. Its obvious shes not good at healing, or taking clear steps to indicate definite change (its typical of many women), assuming she has changed though. that puts the ball in your court determine where she wants to be and decide if you want to be at that point.

You will need to decode her better even if you separate as motive will now determine everything between you. Believe me divorce takes a lot of work too.

Finally I will say that these things happen when people don't have strong things to put their energy into (i may be wrong) but I wonder how I can enjoy an Illicit affair when I'm dead tired from everyday effort, so badly that on the days I'm free, I don't feel like seeing anybody at all.

OP I really empathize with you, but i feel you may have a little problem from your side.

As a thoughtful and thorough person (the perception i get from your post) you may tend to think you have all the grounds covered and you did not fail in your duty. Did you ask before.

The first rule I made in my then new marriage is OPEN COMMUNICATION IS BY FORCE.

Married to a typical Nigerian girl. the inhibition is deeper than you will think you really have to get to that level where she can open up to you all the way without any fear of what you will think

At the moment its late if you were not there before, that can come in the is the rebuilding phase.

I know someone who was so desperate to punish a adulterous wife by ensuring she does not come back. Believe me the whole family now realize that the yeye wife is better than all the five he has tasted so far.

The bible emphasized love and not judgement. David did not break up with his wives for agreeing to sleep with Absalom. He simply put them aside. That is still an option without breakup.