₦airaland Forum

@zeminar: Laughing out Loud! You should translate for our non-Yoruba kins :-)
@redsun: Immediately I saw the word waanker in your post, I had to check out your signature because I knew it would definitely come from the UK :-)

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=572271.msg7380550

It is said that little drops of water make the might ocean. Here is just one (of many) reasons why Jonathan won’t get my vote. I was on my way home yesterday evening when unfortunately, the police decided to block the side road I was on. The queue started to backup down the street. The police were welcoming enough to explain that the president was in Eko Hotel and that the road must be free all the way to the Airport before the president will take off from the hotel.
I could understand this arrangement being bearable in some less populated city, but think of the inconvenience and economic implications in a city like Lagos. Even with no government sanctioned road blocks, the roads are barely passable as it is with people practically living on the roads.
All the sycophants keep mentioning the word humility when describing the incumbent president. I don’t think I would use that word to describe a person whose personal convenience is used to inconvenience 20miliion people. And please don’t mention security, if you think having an army of incompetent policemen blocking all the roads would guaranty your safety, thank your stars that “the real Mutallabs” haven’t yet decided to turn an eye to those looting the nation’s coffers. By the way, if the roads are better maintained and wider, then the traffic would flow more smoothly and that will benefit all concerned including the president who wouldn’t then need to shutdown Lagos for his trip to the airport.
I heard the President went to camp. I assume like OBJ before him, it’s to secure the Christian vote. After all it is common knowledge that the RCCG is the biggest Christian denomination in the whole country. I don’t see what someone that will then proceed from the camp to cause the kind of chaos that happened yesterday evening is in anyway representing the people or even care for their wellbeing in any form at all.
I hope someone will tell the G.O. of the RCCG to inform the president that such acts are no way to improve his standing with the electorate. An alternative solution is of course for the President to fly straight to Abuja from the camp. Or for that matter, why couldn’t he have flown to the airport?
They say the President is the chief security officer of the country. The Yoruba’s have a saying that if a god cannot save one, he should at least leave one not worse off than before. It’s a fact that anyone that thinks political office holders in this country are there for anything other than their own benefits needs serious help. I can guarantee it that the number of accidents that will result tonight as a result of grinding Lagos to a halt for an hour and a half will be much more than the average for this time of day or year. Mr President, this should be laid completely at your doorsteps. You are responsible for the security of lives and properties of the citizenry and this is how you choose to show it? By causing more people to be maimed and/or killed?
Mr President should remember that once he was not in power at all, not even in politics, when he was just an average citizen like the rest of us? If that’s not enough, please look to your predecessor (OBJ) who is now just like the next person. So much that an average citizen was able to get close enough to roughen him up a little to the secret delight of the same policemen that once were at his beck and call.
So, that is why Mr. President, you won’t get my vote. (But you can take solace in the knowledge that neither will your opponents since they are not any better). You can count on it.

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Also for people who have had Hyundai cars past the warranty period, please also comment on what it's like in terms of support and services.
Thanks all.

Good day to you, comrades in that never-ending struggle for true democracies where egalitarianism is entrenched in the fiber of society.
After watching for several years with increasing concern as you continue to vie sharply away from the guiding principles of all those who went before us (think the French Revolution), I find that I must at this time address myself to you with the hope that while there is still life (you haven't bombed everybody overthere to kingdom come, have you?) there is still hope for a better tomorrow.
There is a popular conception that there is no point pointing out a problem without suggesting a solution. In this letter, I will attempt to do both.

The problem:
I must say that while I admire your approach, tenacity and dedication to your causes (giving ones life is the ultimate sacrifice), your focus and implementation - to put it lightly - sucks (sucks balls in fact). Going around holding a grudge and killing innocent people does not endear you to people on the world stage upon which all your actions will be "torsh-lighted", critiqued, judged and condemned. Afterall, what do you think would happen to you if even just one of those 77 virgins happen to have been torn apart by one of your bombs here on earth?

The solution:
will set forth a 7-point agenda (consult a certain president who was a guest in one of the kingdoms close to your borders for advice if necessary. What? You are persona non-grata in that country? Don't worry, one of the 7 points I will propose below will fix that ASAP) which if followed to the letter will soon have you shipping your hashish on super-tankers round the world, and your leaders drinking tea out of little cups with the leaders of the G8 while reminiscing about the time you were dodging Allied rockets in the dry mountains of Afghanistan (No, Bush won't be there. He is no longer the president of America. No reason to be apologetic, I won't know who is who either if I had been forced to live in caves for the better part of a year too. And no, he hasn't grown a beard, the Infidel!)

The 7-point Agenda

1. Lose Osama
Frankly, you need to lose Osama Bin Laden. Treat him like a bad case of the mumps. If the 7-point agenda is to stand any chance of success, he has to go. If you can't find any reason to get rid of him, remember he used to be a member of the bourgeoisie.
In the spirit of the times (MTN: we can't wait for 2010. Let's go!), you can't do better propaganda-wise to tell the world of your new status than recording a video and publishing it on Youtube. Follow that up with a twit on Twitter and you should have viewings in excess of "Crank that Soldier Boy". What! You don't know the song? Where have you been? Next, you will be telling me you haven't seen the rat and cheese video of "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing , ". Apologies, I forget ,  the caves are too dense for satellite signals to penetrate and putting out a dish is like a paedo advertising advertising on CNN.
Back to Osama. The content of the video should start with a condemnation of Osama, followed by a public shaving off of his beard. He should then lose his head in a dramatic maneuver that would make Jigsaw (the protagonist in the SAW movie franchise) green with envy. The head will then feature in a 5-a-side (not too crowded please) soccer match titled "Mortal Kombat Soccer: freedom edition".


2. Loose the beard
Beards are wonderful things. Beautifully trimmed and kept clean, that is. The raggedy ones that you spot are an offence to men every where, really. And I have read in several places that women are generally attracted to men with beards. Couple that with a bald pate and you have got a winning combo. You would instantly win the manly man's man of the year award. What? It's wrong to have women attracted to men? That's so yester-years. Women are now bread-winners, Nobel prize laureates, scientists of note and they also wear trousers. Blasphemy you say?! Nah, just a function of comfort and the times we live in. Afterall, men used to wear blouses and skirts. There is in fact still a thing known as a kilt that is gaining world-wide acceptance now, though the Scots will point out the fact that it is not a skirt (semantics).
If you still need justification. Here is a little-known story about lice. The C.D.C. had an internal memo some years back that declared the U.S. rid of lice with lots of back-patting and fake-modesty about the work done to reach that declaration. The idea was to wait a couple of years, and then make it front page news in all the country's newspapers and on the blogosphere. That was until, a couple of you guys managed to sneak into the country ferrying the little buggers in "you-know-what" and thanks to them, the work of a couple of decades went down the drain!


3. Leave the boys alone
You can't be friends with the rest of the world if you don't stop this bad practice. If you need to do pokey-pokey, then (forgive the expression) poke a real hole. Why put a square peg in a round hole? You don't know what I am talking about? Stop joking, I thought we were past that. Go watch the film "The Kite Runner" and don't tell me it's negative propaganda sponsored by the Western Powers.
I like boys myself (no, not in that way, you perverts! I mean, they are boisterous, full of energy, with no cares and serves as a continuous reminder that tomorrow can always be better. I used to be one myself)


4. Lengthen your trousers
I don't mind a little bit of leg, if it's shaven, with manicured nails and slim. But the dusty, hairy ones peeping from under your "long" knickers are a no-no. The women are forced to were ground-sweeping regalia while you abuse other people sensibilities with scrawny spindly legs. If you are making laws, this one should be entrenched in your constitution - no trousers above the ankle. And just so that people don't get around it with the excuse of growing taller since the trouser was bought or sown, trousers must have an extra 3 inches of material folded in at the bottom. That way, the specially constituted trouser-police (armed with scissors, needles, thread and baton) can immediately fix any deviating pair on the spot.

By now, I am sure you are already wondering where the catch is? All these can't but come at a hefty price you think to you self. Well, surprise! The good news is that though there is a price, it is anything but heavy and a few of those members of the suicide squads you spend valuable time (with little resources - afterall, except for the cost of the bombs, a meal and a one way ticket, what other costs are there in your line of business) training can fulfill your obligations with little effort.


5. Women are not animals
You need to give your women some credit and rights. Afterall, they allowed you to grow up into raggedy-beard-growing women-hating rabble-rousers. What stops them from starting to dash the heads of your male babies against stones since you started your degrading campaign against them. "Sorry, the boy fell off my back while I was navigating through the mountain looking for water"
Without them, you wouldn't even be alive, yet you treat them worse than your animals.
That has to stop. They are people just like you. If you don't agree, then you might as well stop reading, and go hide in your caves. And expect the next round of shelling later tonight!


6. Africa needs you!
I am sure you have also watched with dismay the mismanagement of plentiful resources going on in most African countries at the expense of the masses. Family dynasties running whole countries into the ground, or the next "best" thing, cabals of men and women grooming next generations of their offspring that are just as corrupt as themselves to take over power.
This is where you can play a massive role in the emancipation of the African.
Consider this as an open invitation which comes with diplomatic immunity. You don't need Visas. All you need is a one-way ticket. Upon arrival, head for the seats of corrupt governments and do your stuff. This will scare the living day-light out of the subsequent generation of rulers.
We will appreciate and celebrate you. While we may not be able to offer you 77 virgins each, your names shall live for a thousand years on the lips of the grateful masses.
Remember, the only collateral damage allowed are to animals and inanimate objects.
That reminds me of a related matter. Our excommunicated son who goes by the name of AbdulMuttalab. You should have sent him home to us rather than allow this incompetent fellow to cause other Nigerian travellers unnecessary "aggro" at the embassies and airports. As you know, the U.S.A. (the greatest destination of all Nigerian travellers) has decided to label all 160 million of us terrorists. In our long renowned tradition of emigration (unfortunately, some people have compared us to roaches - that we can be found everywhere - don't mind the racist bastards! You know that popular believe about roaches and a nuclear cataclysm? The same goes for the African. It's hard to decide whether to consider that a compliment or not), we have been given every label under the sun, but never terrorists!

7. What are you still waiting around for?
The desert tracks are waiting for you. Find your way to Spain, swim across into Morocco. Head overland into the Sahara and before you know it, Bob's your uncle and you are at your destination. Vast expectant places to practice your craft! Go 2010!

I had more or less forgotten about this issue (right!) until I came across an AP article titled "The Christmas attack interrogation" on Yahoo! news today. All Nigerians agree (of course) that the guy wasn't "representin!" us as we want to be represented (as one fellow passenger at the airport put it, "That guy is crazy. He is not a Nigerian. Nigerians don't blow themselves up - we make money. They should send him home so we can kill him ourselves." :-)

Farouk's Marbles
------------------
Once there was a man
who thought he was drowing in money
He screamed and yelled
But no one came to his bell
Too busy to heed his call
Because everyday they had the gall
to work so they can have a little taste of milk and honey

So he took this and he took that
and made a "wee" bomb
which thankfullly bombed
otherwise 200 and 80 would have been gone

And then things came to a head
for Abdul-loonie who laid nearly dead

There he was lying on a gurney
the attendant thought it was funny
the surgeon put on his gown
the nurse prodded and probed to see what could be found
says she “maybe we can save one”
but the doctor thought not - why give the devil the chance to spawn
so with a snip here and there
where there was one
now there is none
that is how Abdul-loonie lost his marbles
one big one
and two little ones!

(Lagos, 8:04pm, 08-Jan-2010)