₦airaland Forum

65 views? Can anyone offer and opinion please??

30 views already. Please talk some sense into her.

Richardonald:
Na wah o

Anyway you can provide the reality check that a naija girlfriend is not entitled to "settlement" especially when she wants to walk away in a fit of anger?

Desperately need someone to speak some plain common sense to a naija girl. Completely overwhelmed expat friend is dealing with a naija girl who has major anger management issues. Has done everything he can to take care of her (and has even taken care of her daughter when the biological father disappeared).

The anger has gotten so out of control it is affecting every aspect of life. The naija girl is demanding "settlement" (been going together for a couple of years) because she hasn't "benefited" (with a car, a Samsung, a trip to Dubai, etc. like other friends who put up with all manner of stuff because their guy gives them money, completely ignoring the fact that food, clothing, shelter, school fees for daughter, etc. have been provided for a few years now)

Maybe if she reads on a naija forum that if you chose to leave a boyfriend (and refuse to let the man see the daughter) in a fit of uncontrollable anger you aren't entitled (legally or morally, to any sort of "settlement" simple because you have refused every single step offered (counselors, anger management books, pastor's advice, etc.) to control your anger.

Someone please talk some sense to this person, (as it you can't emotionally blackmail or physically threaten someone into "settlement" that you are in no way, shape or form legally entitled to) or better still provide a pastor's number or some other mental health professional for an immediate intervention, as the guy is watching the a little girl's (girlfriend's daughter) future literally going to hell in a handbasket in the hands of a person of no financial means literally throwing it away in daily fits of uncontrollable anger.

This girl is 31 years old so this is not someone "too young to know better." She simply needs a naija reality check as even her (not overly educated or financially empowered) family is feeding into this nonsense.

cutieme:
It's for real,it's not a bride. i paid same when I went there.

cutieme:
It's for real,it's not a bride. i paid same when I went there.

Thank you. I take it there will be no extra fees coming back to Nigeria?

ABC Transport is claiming that you have to pay an extra 1000 naria "first time travelling to Benin by land" fee. Is this a real fee or a bribe arrangement ABC Transport has worked out with the border officials so their buses get through with no wahala?

ferdimako:
You can stand in...I thought women want sperm donors?

In this case, the mother would have preferred a responsible biological father. That not being the case, she wants her son child to have opportunities in life. It would seem that if a father can't be found, the child wouldn't be denied a passport, as it is no fault of the child. Is there not a provision for such an occurrence?

Starships4u:
Put up an advert with cash reward and he surfaces or tell them the father is late or sperm donor

The mother tried informing them that the father has abandoned the child. They suggested her own father stand in, but he is deceased. It seems the concern is they are worried that mothers will take their children away from the father when wahala happens, but in this case the father ran away as soon as he was informed.

Surely there is something that can be done is situations such as this.

Nigerian mother needs to get passport for Nigerian child. Passport offices says that they won't process without the father's input. The problem is, the father (more appropriately called sperm donor) cut and ran when the mother got pregnant, never to be seen again. How is this right to visit the sins of the father upon the son, to the point where the son can't get a passport?

The grandfather can't stand in, as he is deceased. Surely there must be another option for the mother?

Regards,

I have personally seen a family that buried their dad almost one year after he died.

Thank you for clearing that up akinsadeez. As for the family, I don't think they make much at all. {And I keep hearing the eldest is "not around to contribute"}

Yes, I think it is an issue of ego, grief, emotion or...something else {"My friend so and so went out with an oyibo and he bought her a car!"}
Great for her friend's boyfriend that he makes that kind of money. I can't. Introduce me to him so perhaps he can help me network to a higher paying job, then perhaps you can have a car!

Right now, though I feel her pain, I can't afford to drop hundreds of thousands on blind faith with no accountability. Are there some questions I could be asking to get this started? I am hearing talk of buying goats and cows to slaughter, a tent, etc. I thought correct me if I am wrong, when someone dies, people [b]outside [/b]the family would bring food, as the family is too overwhelmed.

Am I wrong in this

Hey be strong and tell her what you can do - it's simple ,'I can only do N300000 or less right now.
the reason you are inquiring it's because you want prudence and a little accountability (I hope so)

Exactly! Some prudence and accountability. We have repeated talked about the need to make a budget in general, so that we make wise choices with limited funds (one salary between us)

I've been burned before too many times financially because of lack of planning. Basically it has come down to "I can't give you anything
until you tell me something about the expenses for the funeral."

Going to the family is no help, because all they ask "Why haven't you married her yet?" not seeming to realize that issues like this and not sitting down and planning properly, is a recipe for a disaster in a marriage.

Also, put into consideration that she and her family are in a deep mess at the moment. The thoughts of funding their fathers burial, when there's no available resources, can make her get in a perplex state of mind and say annoying stuffs. Sadly, when peoples loved ones die nowadays, they don't just weep about the loss, but more about funding the burial.

Thank you for the reply. As far as the state of mind, that's why I always go back to "what exactly are the expenses, so that I may make a rational informed decision"

Due to our financial status (me being the only breadwinner) I don't know any other way to proceed. Again, it feels like emotional blackmail to not even talk about the specifics of the expenses.

How to bridge that gap?

First and foremost, I think you should ask her much she could afford

Unfortunately, the only thing she could afford would be to borrow money from friends-then that is still ultimately me paying it back, as she isn't working.

The thought of 200,000 might have been ok at first, but when she came up with a figure so outside reason (especially given what others are likely to contribute and given that this was not a man of substantial means) it's just come to the point where some accountability and transparency is needed.

I know how people make decisions with their heart and not their heads during funerals (and how many in the funeral business rely upon that fact to make money) and I am not in the position to spend money that could impact the future later just to "keep the peace"

Also, is it a normal thing here to have a burial 4-5 weeks after someone died? It just seems odd to me

And why do you say 1 kobo? Because you think it is made up, or because you think it is not the place of the oyibo to have to give?

Serious responses welcomed, as well as reasons why.

Thank you.

Girlfriend's father died. She's fifth oldest out of seven children. She wanted 800,000 Naira to contribute to the funeral. As the only wage earner between us, I told her that was impossible, given my salary status-not a rich oil worker, to say the least. He was not a man of means; he lives in a village in the East, so this is not going to be a gold casket, full page newspaper ad type of deal.

Where we have been stuck, and what has become a major headache, is 'Well then, how much can you give?'

The headache comes because I can't tell what is appropriate to give, until I know what exactly the expenses are, and what the expectation, as the fifth of seven children, you should be expected to contribute. (None of the surviving children that I know of could be described as "well off" and as such I can't imagine any of the contributing anywhere near close to that amount.)

My gut tells me that I can and absolutely should stick to my principles here, meaning that it is nothing inappropriate about asking what exactly the expenses are, so that I can make an intelligent informed decision on what I am able to contribute.

Again, this is becoming an major issue, as she has asked several times; refusal to discuss the details, yet demanding I name an amount, feels like emotional blackmail, and this turns into a very ugly "I've lost my father and you refuse to help me" moment.

Any way to get past this logjam would be appreciated. Also, he passed away about 2 weeks ago and the burial is not until April. That just seems very odd to me. Is this a normal thing, this long amount of time?