How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? - Romance - Nairaland
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| How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 12:19pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
Girlfriend's father died. She's fifth oldest out of seven children. She wanted 800,000 Naira to contribute to the funeral. As the only wage earner between us, I told her that was impossible, given my salary status-not a rich oil worker, to say the least. He was not a man of means; he lives in a village in the East, so this is not going to be a gold casket, full page newspaper ad type of deal. Where we have been stuck, and what has become a major headache, is 'Well then, how much can you give?' The headache comes because I can't tell what is appropriate to give, until I know what exactly the expenses are, and what the expectation, as the fifth of seven children, you should be expected to contribute. (None of the surviving children that I know of could be described as "well off" and as such I can't imagine any of the contributing anywhere near close to that amount.) My gut tells me that I can and absolutely should stick to my principles here, meaning that it is nothing inappropriate about asking what exactly the expenses are, so that I can make an intelligent informed decision on what I am able to contribute. Again, this is becoming an major issue, as she has asked several times; refusal to discuss the details, yet demanding I name an amount, feels like emotional blackmail, and this turns into a very ugly "I've lost my father and you refuse to help me" moment. Any way to get past this logjam would be appreciated. Also, he passed away about 2 weeks ago and the burial is not until April. That just seems very odd to me. Is this a normal thing, this long amount of time? |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by apholaryn: 12:22pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
1kobo |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 12:25pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
And why do you say 1 kobo? Because you think it is made up, or because you think it is not the place of the oyibo to have to give? Serious responses welcomed, as well as reasons why. Thank you. |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by tosyne2much(m): 12:30pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
I won't put too much credence to the N800, 000 contribution.. I mean who demands such a huge amount of money from a fifth child just for the burial ceremony of her dad ? If this true , first and foremost, I think you should ask her much she can afford just to have a foresight of what your donation would be A white man says cut your cloth according to your size 2 Likes |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by smoothpapuzy(m): 12:30pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
I think you should stick with your principle. 1 Like |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by smakati(m): 12:31pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
Nothing wrong with giving her the money. Cut it down to like 200k, that's more reasonable. 1 Like |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by smoothpapuzy(m): 12:32pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
And sorry to say, but I don't think your girl is a nice person. If you investigate properly you would find out she is asking other people too for money 2 Likes |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by falconey(m): 12:37pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
contribute 800 thousand crap  ........they want to buy full plot of land and bury him?? .R.I.P to the dead. 2 Likes |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by Nobody: 12:37pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
hmm |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 12:39pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
First and foremost, I think you should ask her much she could afford Unfortunately, the only thing she could afford would be to borrow money from friends-then that is still ultimately me paying it back, as she isn't working. The thought of 200,000 might have been ok at first, but when she came up with a figure so outside reason (especially given what others are likely to contribute and given that this was not a man of substantial means) it's just come to the point where some accountability and transparency is needed. I know how people make decisions with their heart and not their heads during funerals (and how many in the funeral business rely upon that fact to make money) and I am not in the position to spend money that could impact the future later just to "keep the peace" Also, is it a normal thing here to have a burial 4-5 weeks after someone died? It just seems odd to me |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by ronald4lif(m): 12:55pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
Girlfriend not wifey you said? In southeast Nigeria, Igbo, a burial ceremony is usually way too expensive. An average burial often cost about 2million or more or a bit less, depending on the family budget. For a boyfriend, I think 800K is on the high side for her to demand such from you. If you were an in-law the case would have been different. But if one had the money and hope to make her a wife they can still support with a reasonable amount. A poster above suggested 200K, that should be good enough or a bit extra to that amount. Also, put into consideration that she and her family are in a deep mess at the moment. The thoughts of funding their fathers burial, when there's no available resources, can make her get in a perplex state of mind and say annoying stuffs. Sadly, when peoples loved ones die nowadays, they don't just weep about the loss, but more about funding the burial. |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 1:08pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
Also, put into consideration that she and her family are in a deep mess at the moment. The thoughts of funding their fathers burial, when there's no available resources, can make her get in a perplex state of mind and say annoying stuffs. Sadly, when peoples loved ones die nowadays, they don't just weep about the loss, but more about funding the burial. Thank you for the reply. As far as the state of mind, that's why I always go back to "what exactly are the expenses, so that I may make a rational informed decision" Due to our financial status (me being the only breadwinner) I don't know any other way to proceed. Again, it feels like emotional blackmail to not even talk about the specifics of the expenses. How to bridge that gap? |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by DWJOBScom(m): 1:27pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
from the way you speak , she has a future with you Hey be strong and tell her what you can do - it's simple ,'I can only do N300000 or less right now. the reason you are inquiring it's because you want prudence and a little accountability (I hope so) Let her understand that you care but be firm 1 Like |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 2:07pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
Hey be strong and tell her what you can do - it's simple ,'I can only do N300000 or less right now. Exactly! Some prudence and accountability. We have repeated talked about the need to make a budget in general, so that we make wise choices with limited funds (one salary between us) I've been burned before too many times financially because of lack of planning. Basically it has come down to "I can't give you anything until you tell me something about the expenses for the funeral." Going to the family is no help, because all they ask "Why haven't you married her yet?" not seeming to realize that issues like this and not sitting down and planning properly, is a recipe for a disaster in a marriage. |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by Nobody: 2:08pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
g] ronald4lif:Sad but true, I thank God my people are doing something about it. |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by akinsadeez(m): 2:33pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
oyiboheadache: It depends on so many factors- family, cause of death, how rich the surviving relations are, religion e.t.c I have personally seen a family that buried their dad almost one year after he died. All his children were scattered in different countries abroad and they all wanted to be around for the burial. It took almost a year for the burial plans to be finalised and the burial was an astounding success. As for the money issue, I feel your girl is being pushed by her ego. Realistically, no family will ask the fifth child out of seven who they know is unemployed to bring such a mind boggling amount for burial. Will she sell herself to get the money? if she is dropping such an amount as number 5, how much then will the 1st, 2nd or 3rd drop? millions? A good girlfriend should be thinking abt how you will use dat kinda money to buy your own land or build a house not spending it on a funeral. she probably needs money for something else too and is just using the burial as a convenient way of getting it at once. If not, then maybe she wants to prove herself in the family by dropping a huge amount. Either way, talk to her and let her convince you that such an amount is absolutely neccesary before u pay |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by ronald4lif(m): 2:38pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
softysparky: Yes, they had better do something about it. Not everyone can fund such burials. The requirements are way too much. When a loved one dies, their families should be more deep in thoughts of mourning them, not thinking of how to fund expensive burials. |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by oyiboheadache: 3:31pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
I have personally seen a family that buried their dad almost one year after he died. Thank you for clearing that up akinsadeez. As for the family, I don't think they make much at all. {And I keep hearing the eldest is "not around to contribute"} Yes, I think it is an issue of ego, grief, emotion or...something else {"My friend so and so went out with an oyibo and he bought her a car!"} Great for her friend's boyfriend that he makes that kind of money. I can't. Introduce me to him so perhaps he can help me network to a higher paying job, then perhaps you can have a car! Right now, though I feel her pain, I can't afford to drop hundreds of thousands on blind faith with no accountability. Are there some questions I could be asking to get this started? I am hearing talk of buying goats and cows to slaughter, a tent, etc. I thought correct me if I am wrong, when someone dies, people [b]outside [/b]the family would bring food, as the family is too overwhelmed. Am I wrong in this |
| Re: How Much Money To Give For A Funeral? by Nobody: 6:37pm On Mar 22, 2015 |
I am Igbo and I buried my dad with my brother and sister who works. We NEVER asked my sisters both elder and younger, who are not working to bring a dime. Asides that, pple coming in for condolence visit bring in little from here and there and before u know u have a cash gift of 1.4mil or more (but is not wat we should put our minds on, while planning a burial). I STRONGLY SUSPECT this ur chic wants to open an office on ur head, cos it's unbelievable someone who is unemployed is asked to contribute a dime to her father's funeral, unless she gives them an impression that u are loaded. Just do as the spirit leads and decide if you want to remain with such a chic. I hope she is not the type that wants something cos her friend's bobo bought it for her? INDEPENDENT WOMEN STRUGGLE TO MAKE IT/ENCOURAGE THEIR MEN RATHER THAN LOOK UP TO HIM. |
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