₦airaland Forum

initiate:
is she yoruba? thats how they do. useless things
my advice is you need to use brain and sidestep her. find one or two wey get sense amongst them, make friends and visit them, buying them gifts, just be nice to them and make them like you. that will trhow a confusion into their plans, and your wife will be scared not to say nonsense cos she will suspect they will tell you. also this would help you to get some of them on your side, when she talks nonsense they will defend you and soon they will have internal quarrel over you.
also you can look for a mature lady in your church to counsel her. but dont count her stopping this because gossiping is like food to them

meanwhile, try and get her pregnant quickly, and dont allow her to have househelp or any family staying with you. the baby go stress her life die and will revenge all she has done to you.

by the way did you do premarital counselling? i know most counselling na wash, but if you want to hear facts contact me

Baba we no do premarital counselling. Even after marriage, I tell her say make we see marriage counsellor but she no too get interest. Abeg show me way on how to permanently deal with this situation.

UjuJoan2:
I know you feel betrayed, but come to think about it, why does it bother you who your wife confides in or not? Most women gossip to their friends and family and it’s not a big deal. Getting married will not make them stop that habit overnight. You can’t expect to become her confidant because you married her a year ago, when she has know these people all her life.

A woman only complains if she is being treated badly.

I don’t know what she tells them by are any of them lies??

The way you mentioned her joblessness, I think you are more worried about the fact that she talks about your financial capacity. But why is that even a problem? Do you want her to lie and say you provide the things you don’t?

She may not be working and contributing financially, but you calling her “jobless” is very unfair. How do you expect her to be happy when you belittle her every chance you get just because she doesn’t have a job.

You should concentrate on making her happy so she will stop complaining to her family members about you. That’s the only solution!!

I believe this is a woman's comment, so I am not bothered. It is VERY WRONG to conclude that a woman only complain if she's been treated badly. Some women are born ingrate, no matter how hard you try, they will be like what has he done? Lol! You even said I should learn to make her happy. Listen, no matter how much you try to make an unhappy person happy, that person default unhappy state of mind will persist. Stop twisting the narrative.

Actually it’s the other way round. Do you even think that maybe she complains because she doesn’t want to keep it all in?

Now He is trying to isolate her from her family members so she won’t have any solace when he mistreats her. That’s abuse!!
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Please refer me to any family who does not sometimes have disagreement and misunderstanding. If you term disagreement I sometimes have with my wife as abuses and mistreat, then you are not been fair to yourself. If I complain about some tinz she does that I am not comfortable with, how does that translate to mistreatment? You & I know that WOMEN get wahala and they are good at pushing all the blames to men.

Please I need sincere and mature advice �
I got married less than a year ago and I am already regretting why I got married. I stumbled on my wife whatsapp chat yesterday and I realized my wife has been downloading everything going on in our marriage to her parents and siblings. There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever in my marriage. Any time we have challenges and disagreements at home, my wife takes her phone to narrate everything to her brothers, sisters and parents. Instead of them to correct her, they all make fun of the situation and use disrespectul words for me despite the fact that my wife is JOBLESS and i'm the one making provisions at home based on my capacity. I feel betrayed and naked coz my wife family has full information about EVERYTHING GOING ON IN MY HOME. To make matter worse, she sees her family as her confidant and tell them all her moves and plans while she keep everything as secret to me. I got to know all of this from her chats to her siblings and parents. Please I am confused right now, what is the next thing for me to do? Sincere and mature advice please �

CharlotteFlair:
Let me tell you a little story.

When I was single, I was dating a guy who was married, but his family lived abroad and from the beginning, he made me understand he will never leave his wife no matter what. I never asked him to anyway, but because we were so close, he didn't want me to feel exploited. He told me anytime i meet a guy who wants to marry me, that I should let him know and he will shift base.

But mahn! We were so close to the extent that no man can come too close. Any time another guy starts taking interest in me, he will jump in and want to know everything going on. He kind of wanted to vet anyone who would marry me.

The problem here was that, a guy who's interested in marriage must want to courtship. You don't just meet today and get married tomorrow. But I didn't have that space because Biodun was all over the place. Infact, if someone likes me and I told him about it, after asking me a few questions about the guy, he will conclude for me that this one is not a serious person.

So I devised ways to cheat on him.

My job took me around the country, and I met a guy in Abuja and we started dating codedly.

One Christmas, Biodun's family were home for Xmas and so he had divided attention. Because they were around, he could no longer pass the night in my house. Because of the small small space between us, I thought it was a perfect time to invite the Abuja guy to my house.

One night, Abbey had left my house to go be with his family, after bidding him farewell for the night, I called the Abuja guy, who was also in town for an assignment.

He came around 9pm and we drove out for some fun. We came back before long and continued the fun in my house.

One thing led to another, and we bleeped! The guy was bleeping me like his life depended on it. But we were obviously compatible. It was awesome! We bleeped round after round and I never heard Biodun was calling my phone until he got to my door. We agreed to see next day, but lover boy was missing me and lied to his wife that he was attending a church vigil that night in order to be with me. When he tried to open the door with his spare, it was bolted from inside.

By now, he knew I was inside with someone. He knocked I didn't hear. The Gen was on.

So he went downstairs and put off the Gen. It was not long before me and my partner sauntered into the palor because of heat inthe bedroom, naked. I didn't know Abbey was standing at my window outside watching us. We went to the kitchen to drink water and returned to the room to continue and Abbey was outside my window hearing my moaning and the bang bang bang from the Abuja carpenter.

Abbey was heartbroken. He started calling my phone again and I answered this time. He told me he was outside my door and that I should come and open the door.

So I came out to the palor only to see my guy at the window in tears. I denied there's nobody inside with me and asked him to go home to his family, that we'd see the next day. This guy refused and asked me to just open the door which I declined.

Okoata, do you know this guy stood outside my window from 12 midnight to 7am next day? He refused to go and I refused to open the door. Occasionally I will leave him at the window to go talk with the guy in room who already knew there's trouble in paradise.

Long story short, Abbey left but after saying he had broke up with me.

Three days later, I received a bbm from him and it was his picture in the hospital.

I went there to see him. He said my infidelity landed him in the hospital. I pleaded and pleaded for forgiveness. When he left hospital, he continued to visit me like before. But his manhood never got up again for me. I continued pleading but he would not heal for months.

After 4 months of touturing me without forgiveness, I took a definite stand.

I told him he should either divorce his wife to marry me or marry me as a second wife or stop the relationship. He chose non!!

Two months later, I met my husband who lived in phc without his knowledge. Four months down the line we got married. Abbey had to go. But he never forgave me till date.

Do you understand? We are no longer dating, but he still has not forgiven me even after 11yrs. Some people are wired like that.

.

I'll like to communicate with you, can I have your contact?

[quote author=Mercychen post=110808528]What were those abusive words you said to her that she's finding hard to let go? You didn't state them so we can know how bad it is. Some words can be very damaging and difficult to forget, you know?

Again, was she really into you before marriage or it was a case of pregnancy "induced" Marriage?

We both love each other and in a serious relationship. She got pregnant in the process and we got married.

OmoEsan:
So is this a new character? I always wondered how y'all newly weds come online and complain what your spouse do, like you guys just wake up one morning and decide to get marry, without getting to know yourselves.

Hmm! I said more than you are saying, but now I know better. Human being are dynamic. The person you know today might behave like a total stranger tomorrow. Goodbye!

[quote author=densiks post=110808140]Do you believe in God?

Have you prayed about this challenge?

If Yes,did you get an answer?

I don't believe in partners frustrating each other in an agreed (consensual) relationship knowing fully no one was coerced.

If you have done your best and after patiently praying and she is still not cooperating fully, it therefore means she has interests that mainly lie outside your best efforts and natural presentation.

I will think you must take the control and ask her to leave.Your sanity is more important than whatever she has to prove.


Thanks man. Do you have an idea of how many months duration I should give her to behave b4 I call it quit.

Candidlady:
Was the bolded necessary

Pretty sure you would have rubbed this same sentence all over her face...


You are not complaining but yet you stated it in your post


Because of the bolded some won't even give you the advice you seek, they will end up insulting your wife


Good luck finding solution to your problem

I never did that. The boldened words is not from me coz I don't even know how to do it. I guess it's auto.

madridguy:

The shit ain't funny bro.

[quote author=Ajens1991 post=110807239]It's okay bro... I understand how you feel. I've seen similar things from my wife.
Lemme ask you this, does your wife attend the same church with you? If yes, then the two of you have to go back to your pastor for counseling.

Second, don't ever report your wife to your family or even her own family. If she tells you to give her space, politely leave her to her wish. If she decides to leave the house on her own, don't force her to stay.

Before I forget, don't pity or pamper her anymore. Her kind of woman does not like a soft hearted man, it irritates them especially when it comes to being decisive. You have an obligation to control your home; your wife inclusive.
Too bad you married someone who's not ready for marriage.

BRO BE BRUTAL AND BLUNT WITH HER, SHE CANNOT GO ANYWHERE. YOU ARE AT AN ADVANTAGE NOW; SHEY YOU SAY SHE JUST BORN? SO NO WORRY, HER HEAD GO REACH HOUSE WHEN YOU STOP TO PET HER.


Thanks for this piece of advice. I really appreciate.

Penguin2:
Do you have money?

I work in a private fim and I'm okay in my own little way. I am the one providing the essentials at home coz wifey gat no job 4 now.

Ajens1991:
It's okay bro... I understand how you fell. I've seen similar things from my wife.

How were you able to go about it. I mean, how were you able to win her back to yourself.

I have been married for almost a year but my marriage has been 30% sweet and mostly 70% bitter because I have an unforgiven wife who is ONLY concerned about what I said and did wrong but NEVER concern about what I did right.

She gets offended easily, keeps malice and gives me silent treatment at home. I've had private conversation with her MORE THAN 10 TIMES on how to find a lasting solution to wherever issues she has with me instead of her constant fault finding and malice. Despite my effort, all seems like a waste coz there is no positive change at all.

Lately, MY LEGALLY MARRIED WIFE TOLD ME THAT SHE NO LONGER FEEL CONNECTED AND FEEL LOVE FOR ME ANY MORE.

I asked her to tell me one or more reason why she said that but her response was NOTHING. She's practically creating space between us. She does her thing alone and does not carry me along in any thing and she wants same from me.

She is doing everything to make the marriage stop while I have been the one sustaining and making the marriage work out. Her parents are not helping matters coz they are not giving me listening ears and have a way of supporting their daughter by twisting whatever I say to suite them.

B4 we got married, we had quarrel and misunderstandings as other couples do and said abusive words to ourselves which we settled b4 our wedding day and I assume we have forgiven and forgotten about it. But with the look of things, my wife is tied to the past and will keep remembering what I said and did wrong in the past and she allows the past deed affect our present.

Sadly, her unforgiving attitude and never ending resentment is badly affecting our marriage presently. I have tried everything possible within my capacity to rekindle back her love for me & for the sake of our marriage and 3 months baby boy. I suggested that we go out to a cool place just the two of us alone but her response is NO. She even said I can go out and have sex with anyone that she doesn't want SEX for now.

NOTE: I am the one paying all the bills at home coz she's presently jobless. Yet, I am not complaining. She is not stressed up as some may think coz there are helpers at home taking care of her and the baby. Please! What can I do to put a stop to this shit. It's affecting my emotion and psychology.

Pennykeyz:
She will definitely change, its just a matter of time... It happened to me... Marriage is alot of patience, to leave your parent house and be with a man is not easy, if she has siblings she might be missing them and feels like going back home, allow her visit her home once a while, she will get over it.. Dnt fight her please.

Thanks for your advice.

[quote author=windywendy post=642407]It seems to me that your wife is fed up with your constant nagging. I'll take excerpts from your story and tell you the way I, as a woman, would see it.

"I tried all my best to please my wife in all "ramifications"( i.e. take her as a wife and partner, take her family as mine etc), but most time when I correct my wife on some issues that will make are better as a wife, she takes it so personal, in a way that she will resist the advice and prefare to rather justify her act."[/color][color=#990000][/color]

The way I see it, you're not trying to please your wife at all. Rather what you're trying to do is make her into the image you think she should be, hence your trying to tell her things that will make her a "better wife". See, it's all about YOU, and if I were her, I would see your attempts as being selfish and manipulative and would most likely resist your advice as well. You stop bugging her and focus instead on doing the things that would make YOU a "better husband", surely you're not perfect and even if you were, there's always room for improvement 

[color=#990000]"Most recently, my younger bro came for a weekend  and her attitude to him was not really welcoming, any little mistake he makes, she send an indirect message"[/color][color=#990000]

I don't know what you mean by indirect message, but it seems to me that not only are you nagging your wife constantly about her attitude, you're stalking her and watching for every little misstep. A guy with an attitude like that is difficult to live with  . Give her some breathing space my brother and let her be. If you must correct, please do so in love and by your loving actions. Enough of the nagging and complaining. Stop trying to change her, love her inspite of her and see if she wouldn't do everything in her power to please you 

"Age wise my brother is older than her, he is currently a final year student in the University, infact the worst of it all is that she expected him to wash the plate he used to eat last night, when her nice is there, who do the daily watching."

I really don't see anything wrong in her wanting your brother to wash his plates after eating, especially if your wife cooked the meal -- it's just a sign of appreciation. But then l'll assume that your culture does not tolerate that. If I were in your shoes in this matter, I would ask myself many questions, the answers to which might hold the key to your wife's behavior. How does your brother relate with her? Does he treat her with respect and consideration or does he expect her to wait on him hand and foot (remember she married you and NOT your brother, so if anyone else expects her to treat them like her husband that might just elicit some negative reaction)? Do you, as her husband, hold her with high esteem in front of your brother (and family members) or do you correct and belittle her in their presence? I believe that your wife is just simply letting  out frustration and transferring her aggression  about something which she finds uncomfortable. Find out what it is and do something about it. And please whatever you do, don't let your brother (or any of your family members for that matter), come into your house and treat your wife like she's their slave. That's one of the fastest ways to make your wife loose respect for you!! Enuf said here 

"I pointed it to her that she should try to be accommodating and be careful the way she treat my brother, she took it so personal, she forced me to say all sorts of thing that really made her angry."

I'm assuming (and hoping) here that you did not do the "pointing out" in the presence of your brother. If you did, then yes, she should take it personal (I would too)! Now listen up dude, NO ONE can force you to say anything, so don't use your wife as an excuse for your inability to control your anger. It's bad enough that you nag her, now you blame her for your actions too  Be the man, and be in control of the atmosphere in your home and of your emotions! If your wife is doing something that you don't like, bring it up to her gently. If she's upset and doesn't want to listen, cut off the conversation then and bring it up much later when things have settled down. And at least once in a while, take her side. Stand by her and support her as her man. You can't always criticize her for her behavior towards someone else, it'll seem like you're on the other people's side all the time. Also, find opportunities to commend her when you notice changes that please you. No one can blossom in an environment where there is constant criticism, it's tough.

"I have try using words of advice to put things in order, but it is not really helping matter. I believe in changes, I also believe that learning is a continuous process, etc"

Obviously your words of advice aren't yielding any results. Try something different -- try loving actions, live by example. If there's anything you want her to do, demonstrate that in your own lifestyle and in your relationship with her and others. She'll learn. Stop the nagging, it won't achieve anything. The definition of madness is "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result". Your constant "words of advice" will only continue to yield the same results that you're currently having. OK enough said here 

"but I know that there is an issue somewhere"

Yep, you bet there is!! Solve the problem by dealing with yourself.

Lastly, enjoy your married life




PS: Don't forget to thank me when you begin to see the wonderful results of putting my advice into practice 
[/quote

90 percent of your advice is baseless and senseless. Why not just tell the man directly to accept the role of a slave in his marriage. Nonsense. With this mindset, you will have big issues in your marriage especially if you get married to a typical africa man.

Moeman:
see a therapist

Please send me the phone number or address of a marriage counsellor you know.

habsydiamond:
Hope she has something doing Cos Na pesin wey no get work dey get time to dey fight everyday.. Even those boxers wey dey collect money before fight no dey do am everyday. Sit ur wife down if u want to live long.

She's jobless for now.

My newly wedded wife always capitalize on what I did and said wrong eventhough she does and says wrong things to me which I most times overlook.

On many occasions, she will start giving me attitude and will pick up quarrel with me for weeks. I have told her countless times to always address issues she has with me immediately before it turns to a big quarrel.

She wont listen but will rather keep malice with me at any little misunderstanding we have.

Please, how can I find a lasting solution to my wife's unending quarrel, malice and resentment? I am already getting tired of rhe whole thing ��.