₦airaland Forum

toobusy:
When your husband told you that abroad isn't as easy as people think,he was right,have you tried to find out why your husband stopped communicating with you for a while?,for all I know,the man might be facing some real difficulties there ranging from immigration problem,work permit issues,and many others.....few years ago, someone close to me travelled abroad, communication with the mother and siblings was constant and good,till around 3 weeks after he travelled and he got into trouble,he spent around 9 months in jail and throughout all those period he was in jail,there was no communication with the mother who was almost dieing gradually thinking that his son has abandoned her not knowing what the guy was going through all those period, it's not easy out there my dear,be strong for your kids,seek help from your relatives if you have the option and most importantly,pray fervently for your husband.

This story is more common than you think.

Klass99:
I have heard this from 3 different Nigerians overseas, who were candid about life in their respective countries.

If you hear my neighbour's narrative you will laugh, he is a biggie (big boy) by all standards, yet, he says life there is really tough and most people shy away from saying the truth because of shame or personal feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.

I realized from each person's narrative that to japa is not the koko, but to japa well, with enough money or a job waiting for you, is the main koko and should be an essential ingredient of the plan. Otherwise you may be japa-ing, from frying pan to fire.

There are multiple sides to this. I don't think it's entirely true you need to japa with a job waiting for you. If that's the case, most people won't even make the decision because there's hardly any job waiting for anyone. Just as I can count a few people struggling in their japa experiences, I can also count a few who are doing incredibly well. Frankly, I don't think one is necessarily more than the other.

i am managing 20k salary with 2 kids without support.i am a private sch.teacher,we are on holidays,no work,no pay.i am d cause of all my wahala,but i will never kill myself.if i should kill myself,what happens 2 d kids?my sister,d debt is d issue here.please when God help u clear d debts,please stay away 4rm it.good luck!

Depressionkill:
Thank you all for ur comments, I didn't take any for granted! I have learnt one or two lessons from everything said so far. Truth is, I don't care about him coming back/fulling his promises or not, if he comes back, he should go to his mother I don't want trouble in my life. I'm just pained that he put me through so many pains and I got into this massive debts because he wasn't "alive" to his responsibilities....... No be man matter be my problem now, even my side hustle which greatly relieves my meagre salary has crumbled!! I just hope God helps me out of this mess as I have no hope of sorting myself. I had already thought of taking my kids to my elder brother but since he didn't approve of the relationship from onset.....I don't know how to! I'm a very emotional person, easily triggered and I don't call for help easily......I can't believe I wrote this much sha! Wow!!

52k is not as small as you say that it is. Just two kids?
There is no way that you can borrow up to 700k witching 2 years for responsible causes.
You must have family members who know the full story and can support you. Maybe even friends. Except that your work place is so far that you spend half on transportation.
Let us hope that one day, your husband would get back on his feet. Why did you allow a wicked one to enter your kitchen and loot you? Is there a communication problem?
Stay focused and try to pay the loan sharks one after the other otherwise, they would embarrass you,
Kudos to you for even having a job. Some women come here to complain of the same thing but the difference is that they don’t have any income except from the man.

I am commenting because I want to make an input from my experience. God has at least blessed you with a monthly job of 52k. But you've got to accept reality and plan your life around the 52k.
I was just 7 when my dad died, my two elder bros were just 11 and my last sis was just 3. It was just my mom. She had to combine farming and with her job the that wasn't paying more than 25k then. We were practically eating everything from our farm produce. I wish I can explain more. We were trained through the university and trust me, my mom was able to save up and we attended the best schools while growing up.
But op, have in mind that it's just the 52k and cut down expenses. You mustn't be living the modern life. You mustn't live in the best flat. Just accept reality. Trust me, you and your kids will be fine.

OP, a lot of people in Nigeria are not even earning up to 50k. I feel you didn't adjust to your new situation on time and that is why you had to take 700k loan.

You need to cut down a lot of expenses especially rent and school fees. You might have been used to a life of luxury when your husband was around but Its time to readjust. You need to start planning and living like a single mum.

If you are living in a flat, pls move to a self con or a room. You will save money that way

If the kids are used to Golden morn and coco pops, pls reduce it.

If the kids are in an expensive school, pls take them to a cheaper school.

Learn to be prudent.

Seek support from family. You mentioned your brother didn't support your marriage, pls go back to him and explain the situation of things. He is your brother. He won't abandon you to suffer even if he is angry with you.

You also need to double your hustle.

Tell yourself it's just for a while and you will surely overcome this phase

Lastly, don't forget to pray. Also pray for your husband because you don't know the situation he is.

Teleprompter:
52k is not as small as you say that it is. Just two kids?
There is no way that you can borrow up to 700k witching 2 years for responsible causes.
You must have family members who know the full story and can support you. Maybe even friends. Except that your work place is so far that you spend half on transportation.
Let us hope that one day, your husband would get back on his feet. Why did you allow a wicked one to enter your kitchen and loot you? Is there a communication problem?
Stay focused and try to pay the loan sharks one after the other otherwise, they would embarrass you,
Kudos to you for even having a job. Some women come here to complain of the same thing but the difference is that they don’t have any income except from the man.

It is possible to borrow up to 700k in two years with a high school fees for the kids, luxury feeding and a high house rent.
The only mistake she made was not adjusting to her new situation so she was borrowing to live the life she was already used to.

You don here from am since?...cos e b like say your hubby attitude too affect im mama....

Depressionkill:
Thank you all for ur comments, I didn't take any for granted! I have learnt one or two lessons from everything said so far. Truth is, I don't care about him coming back/fulling his promises or not, if he comes back, he should go to his mother I don't want trouble in my life. I'm just pained that he put me through so many pains and I got into this massive debts because he wasn't "alive" to his responsibilities....... No be man matter be my problem now, even my side hustle which greatly relieves my meagre salary has crumbled!! I just hope God helps me out of this mess as I have no hope of sorting myself. I had already thought of taking my kids to my elder brother but since he didn't approve of the relationship from onset.....I don't know how to! I'm a very emotional person, easily triggered and I don't call for help easily......I can't believe I wrote this much sha! Wow!!

madam try and manage wetin you get...atink una dey feel wetin man dey pass through to feed family. some women go sit down house just to insult man say wetin e dey bring come house self....

I'll advice you cut ur expenses to dat 54k abi na how much, still reach out to family members and friends, and with time ,you'll be doing fine gradually and also remember to pray....

Depressionkill:
Good afternoon my good people of nairaland. It is with utmost sadness that I write and pour out my mind on this hot sunny noon! I had to create this account just for this purpose so that I don't get trolled unnecessarily (I can't handle it, I could eventually commit the suicide).

Here is the story of my life

I am a graduate and a mother of two lovely children, legally married to my husband who travelled to seek greener pastures in Canada in early 2020! We were eagerly willing and trying to relocate together as family (we had only one child then) but because it was tough and we didn't have much money, I suggested he goes alone and bring us in, in no time. We both agreed to do this, and we focus on sending him alone. To God be the glory, he left in January 2020. I was nursing a 2year old toddler and also pregnant at that time.

We were communicating on phone real good and I was also dreaming of joining him with the children as agreed but anytime I talk about this, he tell me abroad is not always as easy as we think, things are rough and tough blah blah blah. Eventually we stopped reaching out to us, not sending upkeep money to me and the children. Anytime we ask, he'd say things are tight for him that he will sort us when he have the money. Though I also work here but I don't earn enough to sustain two children and myself. As a matter of fact, I had to wean my baby earlier than necessary because I couldn't afford to eat good meal to lactate well, I started feeding him family meals at seven months

I had to borrow money to sustain and survive. My monthly pay is 52k but monthly expenses is more than enough to gulp all and run me into debts. For instance, I had to buy diaper, feed the kids, pay school fees and even house rent! I don't even want to talk about how I've been wearing shoes that disgraces me all about or how my wardrobe had malfunction several times, those are least among my actual problems.

Right now, I'm in so much debt that I don't even know how I can get out of it. I just borrowed money to renew house rent in February and I also owe a lot of loan apps that I consult for emergency bailout. As I am now, I am owing nothing less than 700k and I practically have nowhere to sort my self. I cried like a baby yesterday knowing that I have failed as a mother! No food in the house, yet I can't get help because I've not paid people that borrowed me some money in the past.

My mother in-law called me early this month that she wanted to see her grandchildren so I promised her that I will bring the children during the Easter break but she says I shouldn't worry, she will come and check on us. When she came, she went round the house and even check my bedroom then she burst into tears that I should stop hindering her son from performing his duties to her, she started accusing me of many things and called me a lot of unprintable names, I told her I was experiencing the same thing but she held unto her belief. She really frustrated me that day, she took foodstuffs from my kitchen and did all sort of this that made me feel really bad. I am frustrated, I have ran into so many debts just to fend for my children, I have become a shadow of myself due to depression, I have failed my children!! I do have suicidal thoughts lots of times, I have thought of ending life but what would be the fate of my children?

Sorry for my long post but I need some words of encouragement as I'm going through a lot right now, including things I can't pen down!!!

In a time like this, your family is key in understanding your plight and rendering support. In all you wrote up there, you didn't mention anything about your family side

Men dey try sha

Hmmn, some people have said it all. Sit down and plan on the 52k, your kids are toddlers, move to a smaller apartment, cut down on fees, repay your debts bit by bit. It's not going to be easy but it's doable.

Stay alive for your kids.
Move closer to God.
Share your you thoughts to those who can encourage you... maybe closer relatives.

I see you overcoming.

If only this man had broken up with this lady before he married her, he wouldn't have put her in this mess.

If you know you'll be a burden to someone, please let them go.

In all this, how is your own immediate family?

OP is a scammer. Don't fall for him/her/it

Goldenheart002:
Eskiss ooh, are u a Nigeria based Nigerian wo/man? Do u work and earn in naira? Do u pay ur own bills? I doubt d answer to these questions are yes bcoz how do u expect a single mother of 2 to survive on 52k monthly? Didn't u read d parts where she mentioned feeding, paying house rent, school fees and d rest? And she's also in huge debt too, shey 700k wa kere ni?

Madam, I pray ur angel locates u ooh bcoz it's damn hard everywhere but I will implore u to go with @toobusy advice, she actually sum it up. And I think ur mother in-law acted dat way bcoz she's not hearing from her son too, u think it would be easy for a man to abandon his mother and wife? No, I doubt it! Pls pray fervently for God's intervention, I wish u d best

u people are d ones adding to d op problem by decieving her,she should cut her cloth according to her size.

She should b able to at least manage 52k,I have seen a family of 4 with both combined salary less than 50k n they are surviving.

Did u read d part she said she's oweing close to 700k?
Haha


She should calm down n regulate her spending that is all I have to tell her,tough time calls for tough measures

All the posts are pointers to how this country is completely fked.

People saying manage 52k

30k is what we pay our maiguard. And the man lives alone in a shack. 52k is less than 2000 per day, for a woman with two small children.

Unless op is living in a civil service state eg kwara, that money is going nowhere.

The story just makes me sad and reminds me of why men are warned to take care of their health. This is often the same story of widows

Klass99:
I have heard this from 3 different Nigerians overseas, who were candid about life in their respective countries.

If you hear my neighbour's narrative you will laugh, he is a biggie (big boy) by all standards, yet, he says life there is really tough and most people shy away from saying the truth because of shame or personal feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment.

I realized from each person's narrative that to japa is not the koko, but to japa well, with enough money or a job waiting for you, is the main koko and should be an essential ingredient of the plan. Otherwise you may be japa-ing, from frying pan to fire.

God bless u

My cousin had to block his pastor when the pastor was always on his neck for money believing he was abroad.

This my cousin have not finish processing his documents then n he was doing any job that comes his way once in a while whereas pastor already had d mindset that my guy was balling,the guy might even b going through hell.

tensazangetsu20:
But she has no choice. 52k is too low for two kids. Too fucking low. It is a really bad situation. I hope OP gets help.

let her keep borrowing now since she's d first person to earn 52k with 2 kids,some people even earn less n they are managing.

Hope she's not spending like d wife of a Canadian?
Hope she's not living to impress?
Hope she's not living to prove a point to people that her husband is abroad?
Cos I can't picture how 700k came in when she's working.

Too loww,but borrowing up to 700k is not too high?

Kolenda:
I am commenting because I want to make an input from my experience. God has at least blessed you with a monthly job of 52k. But you've got to accept reality and plan your life around the 52k.
I was just 7 when my dad died, my two elder bros were just 11 and my last sis was just 3. It was just my mom. She had to combine farming and with her job the that wasn't paying more than 25k then. We were practically eating everything from our farm produce. I wish I can explain more. We were trained through the university and trust me, my mom was able to save up and we attended the best schools while growing up.
But op, have in mind that it's just the 52k and cut down expenses. You mustn't be living the modern life. You mustn't live in the best flat. Just accept reality. Trust me, you and your kids will be fine.

God bless u

She should just cut her cloth according to her size

tensazangetsu20:
But she has no choice. 52k is too low for two kids. Too fucking low. It is a really bad situation. I hope OP gets help.

The responses are sad.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaPAbi0xtQ8

So many Nigerians have fully embraced the poverty mindset.

GloriousGbola:
My guy travelled to Yankee as a coder, some years back. He went completely offline

Someone was telling the missus the guy was offline because he was doing top secret work for Google. I pooh poohed this, did some Google fu

I found he got arrested by police, accused of resisting arrest and jailed for over 12 months or so. I think trump had initiated some no bail law for immigrants, and he may have had no one to bail him.
Guy developed an infection and died in prison.

So i basically found through Google that my guy was dead. A real fked up story

American police don't play. Never resist arrest.

All these (fake) sob stories on NL. We are no longer moved and impressed.

Depressionkill:
Good afternoon my good people of nairaland. It is with utmost sadness that I write and pour out my mind on this hot sunny noon! I had to create this account just for this purpose so that I don't get trolled unnecessarily (I can't handle it, I could eventually commit the suicide).

Here is the story of my life

I am a graduate and a mother of two lovely children, legally married to my husband who travelled to seek greener pastures in Canada in early 2020! We were eagerly willing and trying to relocate together as family (we had only one child then) but because it was tough and we didn't have much money, I suggested he goes alone and bring us in, in no time. We both agreed to do this, and we focus on sending him alone. To God be the glory, he left in January 2020. I was nursing a 2year old toddler and also pregnant at that time.

We were communicating on phone real good and I was also dreaming of joining him with the children as agreed but anytime I talk about this, he tell me abroad is not always as easy as we think, things are rough and tough blah blah blah. Eventually we stopped reaching out to us, not sending upkeep money to me and the children. Anytime we ask, he'd say things are tight for him that he will sort us when he have the money. Though I also work here but I don't earn enough to sustain two children and myself. As a matter of fact, I had to wean my baby earlier than necessary because I couldn't afford to eat good meal to lactate well, I started feeding him family meals at seven months

I had to borrow money to sustain and survive. My monthly pay is 52k but monthly expenses is more than enough to gulp all and run me into debts. For instance, I had to buy diaper, feed the kids, pay school fees and even house rent! I don't even want to talk about how I've been wearing shoes that disgraces me all about or how my wardrobe had malfunction several times, those are least among my actual problems.

Right now, I'm in so much debt that I don't even know how I can get out of it. I just borrowed money to renew house rent in February and I also owe a lot of loan apps that I consult for emergency bailout. As I am now, I am owing nothing less than 700k and I practically have nowhere to sort my self. I cried like a baby yesterday knowing that I have failed as a mother! No food in the house, yet I can't get help because I've not paid people that borrowed me some money in the past.

My mother in-law called me early this month that she wanted to see her grandchildren so I promised her that I will bring the children during the Easter break but she says I shouldn't worry, she will come and check on us. When she came, she went round the house and even check my bedroom then she burst into tears that I should stop hindering her son from performing his duties to her, she started accusing me of many things and called me a lot of unprintable names, I told her I was experiencing the same thing but she held unto her belief. She really frustrated me that day, she took foodstuffs from my kitchen and did all sort of this that made me feel really bad. I am frustrated, I have ran into so many debts just to fend for my children, I have become a shadow of myself due to depression, I have failed my children!! I do have suicidal thoughts lots of times, I have thought of ending life but what would be the fate of my children?

Sorry for my long post but I need some words of encouragement as I'm going through a lot right now, including things I can't pen down!!!

What is your husband's current immigration status in Canada? What category of visa did he get before he left Naija?

Once again, I appreciate you all for your inputs, opening up has given me a bit of relief!

I understand that everything is entirely my fault!!! I should have changed apartment, the children school and other adjustments but in all fairness, I never knew it would turn out like this! I mean, there was an agreement/promise! On the issue of family, I have both parents (they are aged), I have other family members too but truth is, if they could help, I wouldn't go into debt in the first place, talk more of running online behind a new moniker to solicit help!!! I'm not proud of doing this but in all I appreciate everyone for the encouragement and criticism! Here are few things I've learnt since yesterday.....

1). I have to lock up and face reality
2). I have to change the children school to a much more affordable one, I've not paid for this term.
3). I need to move to a very affordable apartment, probably an outskirt of Lagos.
4). I could actually survive on 52k monthly pay if I plan well
5). I should make plans to pay up what I'm owing, even if I would borrow to pay.


Note: I've made two progresses so far.....
1). A lady reached out to me yesterday, her elder brother is in Canada so she collected my hubby's details. Her brother promised to help us trace him, at least to be sure of his well-being.
2). I have gathered some courage to face my brother, even if I would get a rejection (my fear of rejection made it very difficult for me to ask for help, coupled with the fact that I wasn't even groomed to murmur) I would still try. I am meeting him this weekend!

Again, thank you all, I appreciate everyone!

BlessedOne259:
What is your husband's current immigration status in Canada? What category of visa did he get before he left Naija?

Current status......I don't know
Visa category was work visa, the agent says we can join him after he settles down which normally wouldn't take above 6months but it's now more than 2years

Depressionkill:
Note: I've made two progresses so far.....
1). A lady reached out to me yesterday, her elder brother is in Canada so she collected my hubby's details. Her brother promised to help us trace him, at least to be sure of his well-being.
2). I have gathered some courage to face my brother, even if I would get a rejection (my fear of rejection made it very difficult for me to ask for help, coupled with the fact that I wasn't even groomed to murmur) I would still try. I am meeting him this weekend!

Again, thank you all, I appreciate everyone!

Goooood. God bless the lady.

Depressionkill:
Current status......I don't know
Visa category was work visa, the agent says we can join him after he settles down which normally wouldn't take above 6months but it's now more than 2years

Okay. If he has no status in Canada now, he can do cash jobs in some places. I don't know much about work visas secured by agents but I'm familiar with visa requirements on the official immigration website. Do you know what city he is?

Depressionkill:
Good afternoon my good people of nairaland. It is with utmost sadness that I write and pour out my mind on this hot sunny noon! I had to create this account just for this purpose so that I don't get trolled unnecessarily (I can't handle it, I could eventually commit the suicide).

Here is the story of my life

I am a graduate and a mother of two lovely children, legally married to my husband who travelled to seek greener pastures in Canada in early 2020! We were eagerly willing and trying to relocate together as family (we had only one child then) but because it was tough and we didn't have much money, I suggested he goes alone and bring us in, in no time. We both agreed to do this, and we focus on sending him alone. To God be the glory, he left in January 2020. I was nursing a 2year old toddler and also pregnant at that time.

We were communicating on phone real good and I was also dreaming of joining him with the children as agreed but anytime I talk about this, he tell me abroad is not always as easy as we think, things are rough and tough blah blah blah. Eventually we stopped reaching out to us, not sending upkeep money to me and the children. Anytime we ask, he'd say things are tight for him that he will sort us when he have the money. Though I also work here but I don't earn enough to sustain two children and myself. As a matter of fact, I had to wean my baby earlier than necessary because I couldn't afford to eat good meal to lactate well, I started feeding him family meals at seven months

I had to borrow money to sustain and survive. My monthly pay is 52k but monthly expenses is more than enough to gulp all and run me into debts. For instance, I had to buy diaper, feed the kids, pay school fees and even house rent! I don't even want to talk about how I've been wearing shoes that disgraces me all about or how my wardrobe had malfunction several times, those are least among my actual problems.

Right now, I'm in so much debt that I don't even know how I can get out of it. I just borrowed money to renew house rent in February and I also owe a lot of loan apps that I consult for emergency bailout. As I am now, I am owing nothing less than 700k and I practically have nowhere to sort my self. I cried like a baby yesterday knowing that I have failed as a mother! No food in the house, yet I can't get help because I've not paid people that borrowed me some money in the past.

My mother in-law called me early this month that she wanted to see her grandchildren so I promised her that I will bring the children during the Easter break but she says I shouldn't worry, she will come and check on us. When she came, she went round the house and even check my bedroom then she burst into tears that I should stop hindering her son from performing his duties to her, she started accusing me of many things and called me a lot of unprintable names, I told her I was experiencing the same thing but she held unto her belief. She really frustrated me that day, she took foodstuffs from my kitchen and did all sort of this that made me feel really bad. I am frustrated, I have ran into so many debts just to fend for my children, I have become a shadow of myself due to depression, I have failed my children!! I do have suicidal thoughts lots of times, I have thought of ending life but what would be the fate of my children?

Sorry for my long post but I need some words of encouragement as I'm going through a lot right now, including things I can't pen down!!!

You have to calm down before you make the situation worst

Start planning on getting just a room where you can afford to pay one room rent without asking people to assist you

Talk with your landlord he may return the balance to you and you use it to get another place

Now back to your husband, if you were really married and your marriage rights were done properly, he will come back to his senses.

Once a man doesn't provide for his family, not that he is crippled but he is working, he will never be successful because there is no need for God to be blessing him whereas he is enjoying alone

As for your mother in law, she and uoir husband with their sibblings must have discussed one stupid thing about you and they all concluded that he should stop communicating with you

It will get to a stage in his life over there, he will be told to go and apologise or reconcile with his wife, just wait for that time

You too do allow depression take you in, move on with uoir own life and be happy till the day of reconciliation

Never the less, still call your mother inlaw and do greet her because she is a force to recorn with in your marriage

Is either she make your marriage or mare your marriage

Above all, submit your intension to God he alone understands everything

Madam cut your expenses to a minimal level, I know of a family that survives with 30k salary.
Find a cheaper house, leave some friends and do what will work for you.
How can you owe people upto 700k.

Anyway I wish you good luck, I pray people help you out.

frozen70:
You have to calm down before you make the situation worst

Start planning on getting just a room where you can afford to pay one room rent without asking people to assist you

Talk with your landlord he may return the balance to you and you use it to get another place

Now back to your husband, if you were really married and your marriage rights were done properly, he will come back to his senses.

Once a man doesn't provide for his family, not that he is crippled but he is working, he will never be successful because there is no need for God to be blessing him whereas he is enjoying alone

As for your mother in law, she and uoir husband with their sibblings must have discussed one stupid thing about you and they all concluded that he should stop communicating with you

It will get to a stage in his life over there, he will be told to go and apologise or reconcile with his wife, just wait for that time

You too do allow depression take you in, move on with uoir own life and be happy till the day of reconciliation

Never the less, still call your mother inlaw and do greet her because she is a force to recorn with in your marriage

Is either she make your marriage or mare your marriage

Above all, submit your intension to God he alone understands everything

u watch too many Yoruba films

Tell her to live d life of a single mother n when d man comes back they can take things up from there, which it's very unlikely he comes back