₦airaland Forum

Hello everyone.

I tried to post this in the romance section, but the bots restricted me from posting until after a few weeks. I want to share some mistakes and seek advice from this platform. Might be a long read, so if you're reading, please bear with me.

I totally messed up my relationship of a year and a few months. I was a complete jerk, nothing short of that. I broke up and got back with her too many times than I can count.

I was obsessed, and that obsession made me insecure, and scared that she'd leave me for someone else. These bad traits cascaded into actions that would hurt her, and what we had. She was bearing it all, but I didn't realize that I was killing what she has for me slowly.

I was always craving her attention, nagging whenever she didn't do the things I wanted. I literally tried to control everything. I was really toxic.

Each time I ended it, and got back, I noticed she'd become colder, repulsive and uninterested. She'd say she still wants the relationship, but she kept acting otherwise. So I figured we'd gone past the point of no return.

Finally, I apologized to her a few days back and told her I don't want us to force things anymore. We have to move on and just stop hurting ourselves. She didn't object. Now I've gotten rid of anything that connects us together, but I still feel so guilty.

I love her so much, and I wish I had been a better person for her, but I really want to move on now. I really hope she can forgive me. How can I forgive myself, move on and become a better person?

I know I deserve this pain. I feel it fully now, but I've had my regrets and I want to change, so I don't make such mistakes in the future. But I can't move on. I still think about her and the mistakes I've made most of the time.

I don't have friends, I'm an "alone" person. Please what can I do to move on? I don't want to keep feeling guilty, and I don't know who to talk to. @pocohontas, or other nlmods, please can you help me out here?

I expect strong criticisms and reprimanding, but please as you criticize me, don't forget to help me with words of advice.

Thank you.

Ty, incase you're seeing this, it's Jay. I want you to know that I'm sorry. My heart bleeds from the way I hurt you. I'm so sorry.

There's no better decision than to do what's best for you and ensure your happiness is not compromised. Relationships can be a whole lot of work emotionally, physically and financially too, but in the end, it's not a do or die affair and you both will be fine las las

There's is no perfect relationship and even when we find the right person, it's not a guarantee for perfection. Ensure you have learnt from the past and keep improving to become a more better partner when you decide to love again.

What can't kill you makes you stronger.
Time heals all wound they say, so give yourself some time, you either become stronger or late

Most teenager relationships sound this way. You will outgrow this behavior of yours. You probably an introvert too. You have learned your lessons, no biggies, move on.

Hmmmmmmm
I await the relationship experts.

superlanny:
There's no better decision than to do what's best for you and ensure your happiness is not compromised. Relationships can be a whole lot of work emotionally, physically and financially too, but in the end, it's not a do or die affair and you both will be fine las las

There's is no perfect relationship and even when we find the right person, it's not a guarantee for perfection. Ensure you have learnt from the past and keep improving to become a more better partner when you decide to love again.

Thank you so much.

I've learnt some lessons, but it hurts so much.

It hurts even more because she had her faults too and she hardly admitted it. She gave me silent treatments, barely responded to my texts because she was busy. I understood that. But then I noticed when she wasn't busy, she barely gave me attention.

There were times when I genuinely tried to move on, but she proposed for us to try to work things out again. I obliged, and for a short while she'd be cool. After some time, she switched back to her default behaviour.

I got frustrated and felt emotionally manipulated. I'm not myself anymore. This is so difficult.

I can't believe I feel so guilty, and yet unfairly treated at the same time.

Puremind1225:
What can't kill you makes you stronger.
Time heals all wound they say, so give yourself some time, you either become stronger or late

Thank you.

xavuv:
Most teenager relationships sound this way. You will outgrow this behavior of yours. You probably an introvert too. You have learned your lessons, no biggies, move on.

Thank you so much.

We're not teenagers. Actually she's two years older. In her late 20s, I'm in the middle.

I've had previous relationships (in my teen) but none as serious as this. So I'm quite inexperienced.

And yes, I'm an introvert. Makes this much more difficult.

These things happens, forgive yourself first and stop carrying guilts in ur heart. Focus on things that'll keep you busy as you can enroll in a gym, most importantly work on improving yourself especially character wise so you'll become better in ur next relationship... You go dey alright Las Las

See our just concluded 3bedroom bungalow construction if you're about starting your building project.. Link in my signature. Plus we offer building designs and construction services nationwide

You're a perfectionist and a gentleman at heart. That is why you feel so guilty. Forgive yourself knowing that nobody is perfect. You were not perfect in the relationship. Neither was she. Relationships are not meant to be broken and mended over and over again. The cracks will wear it down and result in more instability. I am sure you have learnt this. Moving forward, refrain from breaking up your subsequent relationships unnecessarily. And teach the other party to do same. My Husband taught me this while we were dating because I used to believe in break-up and make up.

Try to think less about it by getting other things to occupy your thoughts. Books, films, comedy (highly recommended for times like this), skills, jobs. Even a new girl if you find one of good character and one you can relax/flow with. Forget those rebound tales you read. Life sometimes doesn't follow what conventional books say. The best healing for broken relationships most times comes from loving and being loved again.

Lastly, time heals most wounds. With the
above aids, within a short time ,you won't feel pain or lonely anymore. Without the aids, the time could be longer but you will still heal. Take care.

DestinedForGrea:
Thank you so much.

We're not teenagers. Actually she's two years older. In her late 20s, I'm in the middle.

I've had previous relationships (in my teen) but none as serious as this. So I'm quite inexperienced.

And yes, I'm an introvert. Makes this much more difficult.

You will be fine buddy. Time heals all wounds. You will be fine. Give it time.

Flow with the feelings you are having now, with time it will fade away.

Loisemm2:
You're a perfectionist and a gentleman at heart. That is why you feel so guilty. Forgive yourself knowing that nobody is perfect. You were not perfect in the relationship. Neither was she. Relationships are not meant to be broken and mended over and over again. The cracks will wear it down and result in more instability. I am sure you have learnt this. Moving forward, refrain from breaking up your subsequent relationships unnecessarily. And teach the other party to do same. My Husband taught me this while we were dating because I used to believe in break-up and make up.

Try to think less about it by getting other things to occupy your thoughts. Books, films, comedy (highly recommended for times like this), skills, jobs. Even a new girl if you find one of good character and one you can relax/flow with. Forget those rebound tales you read. Life sometimes doesn't follow what conventional books say. The best healing for broken relationships most times comes from loving and being loved again.

Lastly, time heals most wounds. With the
above aids, within a short time ,you won't feel pain or lonely anymore. Without the aids, the time could be longer but you will still heal. Take care.

At OP, stick to every details in this advice and you'll be just fine. And don't ever consider contacting her or stalking her in any form for you own good. Just fight through and move one.

Love is effortless i believe, you don't have to struggle to stay in love and be loved. Once you find someone whom you share same interests and vision with trust me, your love life will flow like a knife through butter

AsomStructures:
These things happens, forgive yourself first and stop carrying guilts in ur heart. Focus on things that'll keep you busy as you can enroll in a gym, most importantly work on improving yourself especially character wise so you'll become better in ur next relationship... You go dey alright Las Las

See our just concluded 3bedroom bungalow construction if you're about starting your building project.. Link in my signature. Plus we offer building designs and construction services nationwide

Thanks a bunch sir, this is helpful.

Loisemm2:
You're a perfectionist and a gentleman at heart. That is why you feel so guilty. Forgive yourself knowing that nobody is perfect. You were not perfect in the relationship. Neither was she. Relationships are not meant to be broken and mended over and over again. The cracks will wear it down and result in more instability. I am sure you have learnt this. Moving forward, refrain from breaking up your subsequent relationships unnecessarily. And teach the other party to do same. My Husband taught me this while we were dating because I used to believe in break-up and make up.

Try to think less about it by getting other things to occupy your thoughts. Books, films, comedy (highly recommended for times like this), skills, jobs. Even a new girl if you find one of good character and one you can relax/flow with. Forget those rebound tales you read. Life sometimes doesn't follow what conventional books say. The best healing for broken relationships most times comes from loving and being loved again.

Lastly, time heals most wounds. With the
above aids, within a short time ,you won't feel pain or lonely anymore. Without the aids, the time could be longer but you will still heal. Take care.

Wow! Thank you so much, Mrs. Loise.

Please are there any self-esteem boost books you can recommend?

fyzaila:
At OP, stick to every details in this advice and you'll be just fine. And don't ever consider contacting her or stalking her in any form for you own good. Just fight through and move one.

Love is effortless i believe, you don't have to struggle to stay in love and be loved. Once you find someone whom you share same interests and vision with trust me, your love life will flow like a knife through butter

Thanks ma'am.

Your words are kind.

Unlike love, obsession is an unhealthy, controlling, paranoic, abusive (obsessive partners can be abusive) sentiment that's full of other vices like jealousy, insecurity, etc. It's a mental issue, and the fact that you were also breaking up with her too many times than you can count and without her doing anything to warrant such toxic treatment, relays that. I hope your ways didn't tamper with her self-worth along the way, as such behaviors can do a number on the recipient. She's the victim in all of these.

As for you, don't jump into another relationship anytime soon/stay away from relationships for now, and take care of your mental health. To be frank, you ought to see a Psychologist or Psychiatrist (don't go to any quack Psychologist or Psychiatrist). You likely have underlying issues you need to work through, along with the obsessive behavior (and its traits) itself. You've work to do before involving yourself with somebody's daughter again, otherwise you will have these same issues in the next relationship.

Exodus15v11:
Unlike love, obsession is an unhealthy, controlling, paranoic, abusive (obsessive partners can be abusive) sentiment that's full of other vices like jealousy, insecurity, etc. It's a mental issue, and the fact that you were also breaking up with her too many times than you can count and without her doing anything to warrant such toxic treatment, relays that. I hope your ways didn't tamper with her self-worth along the way, as such behaviors can do a number on the recipient. She's the victim in all of these.

As for you, don't jump into another relationship anytime soon/stay away from relationships for now, and take care of your mental health. To be frank, you ought to see a Psychologist or Psychiatrist (don't go to any quack Psychologist or Psychiatrist). You likely have underlying issues you need to work through, along with the obsessive behavior (and its traits) itself. You've work to do before involving yourself with somebody's daughter again, otherwise you will have these same issues in the next relationship.

This is exactly what I'm going through. Everything you typed, word for word.

Please, I need to get rid of this issue. I seriously need help.

Are you a psychologist/psychiatrist?

And please, what do you mean by "underlying issue" in this context?

DestinedForGrea:
Hello everyone.
I tried to post this in the romance section, but the bots restricted me from posting until after a few weeks. I want to share some mistakes and seek advice from this platform. Might be a long read, so if you're reading, please bear with me.
I totally messed up my relationship of a year and a few months. I was a complete jerk, nothing short of that. I broke up and got back with her too many times than I can count.
I was obsessed, and that obsession made me insecure, and scared that she'd leave me for someone else. These bad traits cascaded into actions that would hurt her, and what we had. She was bearing it all, but I didn't realize that I was killing what she has for me slowly.
I was always craving her attention, nagging whenever she didn't do the things I wanted. I literally tried to control everything. I was really toxic.
Each time I ended it, and got back, I noticed she'd become colder, repulsive and uninterested. She'd say she still wants the relationship, but she kept acting otherwise. So I figured we'd gone past the point of no return.
Finally, I apologized to her a few days back and told her I don't want us to force things anymore. We have to move on and just stop hurting ourselves. She didn't object. Now I've gotten rid of anything that connects us together, but I still feel so guilty.
I love her so much, and I wish I had been a better person for her, but I really want to move on now. I really hope she can forgive me. How can I forgive myself, move on and become a better person?
I know I deserve this pain. I feel it fully now, but I've had my regrets and I want to change, so I don't make such mistakes in the future. But I can't move on. I still think about her and the mistakes I've made most of the time.
I don't have friends, I'm an "alone" person. Please what can I do to move on? I don't want to keep feeling guilty, and I don't know who to talk to. @pocohontas, or other nlmods, please can you help me out here?
I expect strong criticisms and reprimanding, but please as you criticize me, don't forget to help me with words of advice.

Thank you.
Ty, incase you're seeing this, it's Jay. I want you to know that I'm sorry. My heart bleeds from the way I hurt you. I'm so sorry.

you sir dont know what LOVE is, and you should stop abusing the word LOVE. if you remotely loved that person, you wouldnt be the toxic being that you were with her. this aint love, this is emotional abuse, lack of care etc

MrBrownJay1:
you sir dont know what LOVE is, and you should stop abusing the word LOVE. if you remotely loved that person, you wouldnt be the toxic being that you were with her. this aint love, this is emotional abuse, lack of care etc

Thank you, Mr. Brown.

Your input is well noted.

You don't need to over stress it, as time goes on, you will move pass that stage and continue with your life...

I wish you success as you move pass the stage...

wunmi590:


You don't need to over stress it, as time goes on, you will move pass that stage and continue with your life...

I wish you success as you move pass the stage...

Thank you so much boss.

DestinedForGrea:
Hello everyone.

I tried to post this in the romance section, but the bots restricted me from posting until after a few weeks. I want to share some mistakes and seek advice from this platform. Might be a long read, so if you're reading, please bear with me.

I totally messed up my relationship of a year and a few months. I was a complete jerk, nothing short of that. I broke up and got back with her too many times than I can count.

I was obsessed, and that obsession made me insecure, and scared that she'd leave me for someone else. These bad traits cascaded into actions that would hurt her, and what we had. She was bearing it all, but I didn't realize that I was killing what she has for me slowly.

I was always craving her attention, nagging whenever she didn't do the things I wanted. I literally tried to control everything. I was really toxic.

Each time I ended it, and got back, I noticed she'd become colder, repulsive and uninterested. She'd say she still wants the relationship, but she kept acting otherwise. So I figured we'd gone past the point of no return.

Finally, I apologized to her a few days back and told her I don't want us to force things anymore. We have to move on and just stop hurting ourselves. She didn't object. Now I've gotten rid of anything that connects us together, but I still feel so guilty.

I love her so much, and I wish I had been a better person for her, but I really want to move on now. I really hope she can forgive me. How can I forgive myself, move on and become a better person?

I know I deserve this pain. I feel it fully now, but I've had my regrets and I want to change, so I don't make such mistakes in the future. But I can't move on. I still think about her and the mistakes I've made most of the time.

I don't have friends, I'm an "alone" person. Please what can I do to move on? I don't want to keep feeling guilty, and I don't know who to talk to. @pocohontas, or other nlmods, please can you help me out here?

I expect strong criticisms and reprimanding, but please as you criticize me, don't forget to help me with words of advice.

Thank you.

Ty, incase you're seeing this, it's Jay. I want you to know that I'm sorry. My heart bleeds from the way I hurt you. I'm so sorry.

Since you have acknowledge a d identify that the major problem you have is you and your naughty behavior

Why not seat down and evaluate your life and shreed off those bad and hurtful behaviors of yours

She loves you but you are just toxic

The next relationship you may go into may be someone just opposite her behavior and by then you may have lost her to another man

Invite her, let her list somethings that you are doing which is bad and be prepared to change if you care

Most of you lots,una nor get character,see how you ve hurt a good woman.tomorrow if karma become friends with you, then blesses you with a bad woman tomorrow you go come online come deyy castigate women.

70,%,of men on the forum are narcissists,very bad ones at that.

Lazy youth, go and fund work to do

frozen70:
Since you have acknowledge a d identify that the major problem you have is you and your naughty behavior

Why not seat down and evaluate your life and shreed off those bad and hurtful behaviors of yours

She loves you but you are just toxic

The next relationship you may go into may be someone just opposite her behavior and by then you may have lost her to another man

Invite her, let her list somethings that you are doing which is bad and be prepared to change if you care

Yes, you're right.

She loved me, and she endured so much but my toxicity was too much.

I think I've lost her already. I've offered for us to have a conversation, but she seems uninterested. She's been very rude and unresponsive to me lately.

I understand, the damage has been done already. It hurts so much, because she's a good woman. I wish I had known I had this problem before the relationship, I wouldn't have subjected her to this.

I don't like to hurt people, and it kills me that it took too long for me to realize I had hurt her so much.

There's no point in seeing her again. I need to let her be and focus on getting better.

Thank you so much, Frozen.

DestinedForGrea:
Yes, you're right.

She loved me, and she endured so much but my toxicity was too much.

I think I've lost her already. I've offered for us to have a conversation, but she seems uninterested. She's been very rude and unresponsive to me lately.

I understand, the damage has been done already. It hurts so much, because she's a good woman. I wish I had known I had this problem before the relationship, I wouldn't have subjected her to this.

I don't like to hurt people, and it kills me that it took too long for me to realize I had hurt her so much.

There's no point in seeing her again. I need to let her be and focus on getting better.

Thank you so much, Frozen.

Well sorry for that loss and learn from that, it will help you prepare yourself very well for another relationship

But I think all she needs from you is to assure her that you are now a changed person, she could give you another chance

Once in a while just drop message to her even if she doesn't respond, still drop

Unless she blocks your contact and that's the final end

ahnie:
Most of you lots,una nor get character,see how you ve hurt a good woman.tomorrow if karma become friends with you, then blesses you with a bad woman tomorrow you go come online come deyy castigate women.

70,%,of men on the forum are narcissists,very bad ones at that.

Thank you for your input.

frozen70:
Well sorry for that loss and learn from that, it will help you prepare yourself very well for another relationship

But I think all she needs from you is to assure her that you are now a changed person, she could give you another chance

Once in a while just drop message to her even if she doesn't respond, still drop

Unless she blocks your contact and that's the final end

Thanks.

But I think I'll prefer to let her be (for now at least), so she can heal.

I desperately want to change, not just for her, but for myself.

DestinedForGrea:
Thanks.

But I think I'll prefer to let her be (for now at least), so she can heal.

I desperately want to change, not just for her, but for myself.

Ok that's a good idea she need a break

You will change if you are will to drop pride and ego

Then be humble if you can accept that fact

Thirdly go closer to God in your closet and read your Bible if you have
If you don't have buy one that's the first step

Start midnight prayers for it works like magic

frozen70:
Ok that's a good idea she need a break

You will change if you are will to drop pride and ego

Then be humble if you can accept that fact

Thirdly go closer to God in your closet and read your Bible if you have
If you don't have buy one that's the first step

Start midnight prayers for it works like magic

Got it!

I'm grateful.

An advice had been given that you will need the support of a professional counsellor or therapist to overcome many underlying issues responsible for your feelings of insecurity. Such underlying issues include childhood traumatic experiences.

Some early childhood scripts are responsible for the way every adult live his or her life. Unless these scripts are edited, revised or erased, adulthood would be filled with toxicity and bitterness.

Each person's life script is different so it requires personal interaction to identify yours and a special strategy would be developed to help you.

I am a professional marriage counsellor and mental health therapist.

You may wish to contact me.