fyzaila:


Another angle, thanks

When I was single,I very consciously and carefully avoided divorced men,widowers and single fathers.

When a man approached me,in the talking stage..I would do my background findings about him, without his knowledge and once he is divorced,widower or already had a child,I ghost him...

Cut off every link of communication and avoid him permanently.
I don't have energy for drama

spiceadole:


When I was single,I very consciously and carefully avoided divorced men,widowers and single fathers.

When a man approached me,in the talking stage..I would do my background findings about him, without his knowledge and once he is divorced,widower or already had a child,I ghost him...

Cut off every link of communication and avoid him permanently.
I don't have energy for drama

WalLahi i too don't have energy for that. I will just observe and not commit

Persephone1:
With him dig

Behind him, dig dig dig and dig until you are certain you aren't walking into possible homicide

Azzin big time homicide

New International Version
Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Nothing wrong I’m just asking

Hmm. This is a very delicate matter and must be handled delicately. Some people don't like to talk about some things when it comes a matter like this, some of them may be feeling unsecured with the new supposed spouse or the spouse to be but mind you, it is necessary to ask about it. Don't forget, many broken homes can be orchestrated by either of the couple but the one whose horse is gored may not want to tell the whole world that he or is the reason for the divorce. So in doing this, one must be very carefule and be meticulous when asking such questions about the phenomenon.

fyzaila

It is not only normal to ask "what happened" but also natural for the divorcee to without fail mention about their ex and the role they played in the failed marriage

Unfortunately, the divorcee focuses on the failure of the ex. You might even end up hating the ex until you meet them and hear their side of the story.

It is said that divorced men have a higher rate of failure in their second marriages. The problem is "that the broom that swept the first wife away is waiting to sweep the new wife away" rings true.

Unless the underlying problem that made the first marriage isn't tackled, the probability of failure is even higher for the second marriage.

fyzaila:
Is it necessary when you meet a divorced man or woman and you want to start a relationship, to start asking what happened? Like starting to dig and dig into the past of the person who is divorced.

In my opinion i don't think it's necessary, just focus on the person and see if you guys can work things out.

My fellow members, what's your opinion?

You certainly should ask

If you know u cheat no need to ask

Good to ask. But you will be fed with lies upon lies.

Klass99:


And you don't want to know his story? Girl, don't play yourself like that. Ask him what happened, what led to his divorce and what part he played in it, what he thinks he could have done differently to preserve the union etc....

You can make this a one time Q & A session and listen carefully to what he says, then subsequently pay attention to his actions to see if they line up with most of what he said in that conversation or what he says in other conversations. His actions should line up with his words and if you see a recurring pattern where words and actions are not aligning please walk and keep on walking.

Female intuition is like an alarm inside most women which goes off when someone is bullshitting us. Call it basic instinct if you want to but don't ever disregard or ignore it, it will hardly lead you astray. So factor that into your overall assessments of him and people in general.

Divorced men tend to have a lot of baggage and issues sha. It ranges from trust issues to lack of commitment, listlessness and never seeming to know what they want, loving booty calls, anger and bitterness towards women in general, where they are constantly judging other women based on their past experience with the ex or her conduct, etcetera. Do you want to dance that dance?

Divorce really rocks their world and messes with their psyche especially if wifey was the one who initiated it and followed through with it to the end. They grow up believing divorce hurts and ridicules us more, so we won't want it and we will never leave, not after 3 or 4 kids na. It's like blunt force trauma with a shock and awe effect when it happens to them. The hurt and pain lingers for a long time, some turn to alcohol others to hoeing for survival.

I prefer widowed men or single and unencumbered ones, they come with less baggage.

How come you know all these about us? Well you're partially correct cos I'm facing something similar to what you said up there and it has reorientated me a lot.

fyzaila:
Is it necessary when you meet a divorced man or woman and you want to start a relationship, to start asking what happened? Like starting to dig and dig into the past of the person who is divorced.

In my opinion i don't think it's necessary, just focus on the person and see if you guys can work things out.

My fellow members, what's your opinion?

When you forget the past you're bound to repeat the mistakes of the past.

fyzaila:


WalLahi i too don't have energy for that. I will just observe and not commit

I didn't observe anything
Once I found out,I dump and cut off completely.
Face front

Klass99:


I was busy most of the day and didn't have time to respond to you till now. Read my post above, the one in response to femmoy.

You should be believed because you are a man but because I am a woman, I am making assumptions, abi? It's funny how you guys think you know it all and you know better, and when a woman talks from her reality/experience it is jargons.

FYI none of those divorced men I mentioned has found love again or remarried, three to five years after their divorce (if I recall the number of years correctly sef, for some this should be the 6th or 7th year) Newsflash......good women don't want damaged goods either, so that narrative of yours that men move on quickly and do better is a false and inaccurate one, most of you tell yourselves as consolation or a pissing contest with women.

EOD.

Are you a divorcee? My point is that doing better after a divorce is all relative, fact check. A woman who divorced at 40 and a man who divorced at 40 what are thier odds. Well, let's leave it at that. Once again your generalization makes your statements an assumption not because of you are a woman. Have a good day.

fyzaila:
Is it necessary when you meet a divorced man or woman and you want to start a relationship, to start asking what happened? Like starting to dig and dig into the past of the person who is divorced.

In my opinion i don't think it's necessary, just focus on the person and see if you guys can work things out.

My fellow members, what's your opinion?

every marriage that broke down is due to "irreconcilable differences", that's the catchphrase. Having said that, even if you asked that question, they won't give you the true picture of things, as both sides would speak to favor themselves and hiding their own ugly role that led to the collapse of the marriage.

Except, of course, you have the power to conduct your own discreet and independent investigation.

Don't ask them but truthful people around them

Samantha124:
I will ask him because I wouldn't want the same thing to repeat itself in our relationship.

He might not tell you the full truth.