₦airaland Forum

MommaD:
It's been nine years and God knows I've tried.
Before hubby and I got married there was no agreement we would live in family house. During counselling,they asked him if he had a place of his own and he said no. The counselors announced the couldn't marry us and hubby was forced to get a place.
Fast-forward to a year later,he packed out from there saying the landlady didn't like him. I was heavy then and moved to my mom's to put to bed and for omugo.
Hubby assured me he would get another place within three months. That three months turned to a year, then two, then five.
When I saw a house was not forthcoming, I decided to take it upon myself to get a place for us and saved up. I carried his mom and sister along and finally got one once the money was complete.
Hubby refused moving in. This was our seventh year of marriage. We had been living apart all these while.
He insulted me and called me a manipulator. He came and stayed over once a week though and during this time I took in.
When the rent expired, I wanted to renew. I reached out to my uncle cos he had been helping me in this issue. He asked me not to pay without asking my hubby if he would move in this time
I did this and hubby stated categorically that he would never. I decided to let the house go and move back in with my mom.
All these while, my sis in law kept calming me. At first she explained that her brother didn't have enough money, then the story changed to he was afraid of leaving broke. And now she's saying a man makes all the decisions and if decides never to leave his parents' house my duty is to follow him.
Hubby is 50 and I'm 41 and I'm ashamed we are still both living with our parents.
I'm so bitter. It's been nine years and this is what I get.
I can't stay in the family house cos my father in law is hot tempered. Sis in.law has a bit of this too.
My mother in law is an angel. Truly God used that woman to compensate me. She's calm and so giving. She doesn't mind cooking and even bringing it to you sef. I
Anytime any altercation happens, hubby doesn't defend me but will instead ask me to bear or say they are only trying to correct me.
The last time I was overnight received the insult of my life from father in law and sis in law all in the name of counselling and hubby defended his family.
My own family is upset, my mom especially. I just don't think I can fight this anymore.

You are making the best decision. You won't regret it

Thank you for the quote.

Orobokibo1:
You are making the best decision. You won't regret it

Domainer1999:
Thank you for the quote.

I thought it was a mistake

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lilyheaven:
∆ They can’t throw her out, not even possible in this generation.
The only thing they can do is to keep badmouthing her.

And you would let your loved one live with individuals who would do that to him or her?

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lilyheaven:
■ With all the badmouths in nairaland, no one ran away. I’m using nairaland as an example ,because, the kind of badmouthing that I read eeh, sometimes it gives goosebumps.
If she lives an upright lifestyle, she doesn’t have to worry about anything any one says about her. We can’t always be in everyone good book.
■ Why are you people encouraging her to leave her marriage? Has marriage become a joke? Do you people know that children are involved,
Do you know what happens with children from broken homes? You don’t have any right to marry a man that you don’t accept his family. The only sin her husband committed, according to what she wrote, is oga going back to his fathers house.

LOL.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣... Would you equally live your very own life or have your son live under such a situation?

2. No need for mental games here! Go back to the OP's post to realize she herself understands her right to leave whenever she wants from any marriage pact/contract. She is not a slave nor does she deserve to have anything less than she desires. She didn't ask you for advice on why she should stay or remain married. She said she is ready to leave so advice that does not respect this decision she has in fact made after 9 years of sitting in what is her own shit comes from a point of disregard for her experience as a human in the marriage!

cococandy:
You guys just can’t imagine a woman outside of not being with a man or a relationship.

Like everything in her life revolves around what she’s doing or not doing with her body. Give it a rest

It scares them like crazy 😂

MommaD:
Edited

I think you are making the right decision to leave. Technically, you are not even married.

That’s why I always advise women to have their own money, otherwise why would your uncle give you the condition of your husband moving back in to give you money for rent? Honestly, if you had the money, go and find your own place and ignore him.

Men are terrible, don’t waste your life trying to hold on to a useless person.

lilyheaven:
Sister in law wants to frustrate her out from her husband because her’s didn’t work.
Why will I go and suffer and train kids alone when their father is still alive and bearing his surname.
Until they return my bride price , I go no where.
I don’t like trouble, but if you look for mine, I will give it to you to the fullest.

That’s what I would have done too. I would have moved into the family house and if they do anyhow I give them anyhow. Na them go use their hand return my bride price.

But the poster is not strong enough for that fight, and has indirectly shown them weakness, and they are taking full advantage of that!

lilyheaven:
With all the badmouths in nairaland, no one ran away.
I’m using nairaland as an example ,because, the kind of badmouthing that I read eeh, sometimes it gives goosebumps.

If she lives an upright lifestyle, she doesn’t have to worry about anything any one says about her.
We can’t always be in everyone good book.

Why are you people encouraging her to leave her marriage?
Has marriage become a joke?
Do you people know that children are involved,
Do you know what happens with children from broken homes?
You don’t have any right to marry a man that you don’t accept his family.
The only sin her husband committed, according to what she wrote, is oga going back to his fathers house.

As long as she’s not living with the man, she’s not even married. She’s already a single mother.

The only solution would have been to move into the family house and she has clearly refused to do that.

I will never advise her to pick a fight she cannot finish, you can love your in-laws and still not want to live with them.

The way we act as if women have no choice in this marriage thing, I disagree. Even if she raises her kids alone, it’s not the end of the world.

UjuJoan2:
■ That’s what I would have done too. I would have moved into the family house and if they do anyhow I give them anyhow. Na them go use their hand return my bride price.
But the poster is not strong enough for that fight, and has indirectly shown them weakness, and they are taking full advantage of that!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Which family house? OP talk say na only one room her husband get for the place, you dey talk family house. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Kobojunkie:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Which family house? OP talk say na only one room her husband get for the place, you dey talk family house. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

🤣 🤣

That’s why when they say he has prospect at 40, I will ask when will the prospects come naaaa??

At 40 he lived in one room in his parent’s house and yet somehow she expected better?

If you don’t have money as a single woman, don’t marry a 30-40 year old man with “prospects”.

That being said, I’ve seen families rent one room to live in, so one room in his father’s house is not out of the ordinary. It’s what he has and she should be ready to deal with that. I think it’s still better than a married woman living in her mothers house.

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lilyheaven:
Marriage is not for weak people.
You have to be physically strong, mentally strong and spiritually strong. Otherwise oyo 😃

Honestly. I think the strongest people on earth are married Nigerian women!
🫢

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lilyheaven:
■ She has never stayed in her marriage.
■ But kobo, when she said yes to this man, he was actually living in his parents house, fast forward to when he was reminded the need for apartment.
■ Don’t you think her father in law is angry that the woman he followed his son to marry has refused to come home.
■ I met a lady with this same issue, though hers is her mother in law always insulting her. In her case, she has given birth to 5 children. Without job or business to hold, she is talking about divorce 😳

She has never stayed in her marriage yet she is seeking legal divorce from this man. 😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

2. So what? She has had a change of mind and decided it is no longer worth it for her to remain tied to such a situation. Why are you having a problem with that or feeling that she should be reminded of her original decision? 🤔

3. Nonsense! Na the father-in-law she marry abi na the man wey she talk say she no wan follow do marriage with she dey married to? 🤔

4. If the lady's husband agreed to marry her without a job or business to her name, wetin be your own business or complaint naw? The man agreed and married her that way so why pretend she is somehow to blame for that now? Why una dey like reason like this for Pete's sake?🤔

Kobojunkie:
She has never stayed in her marriage yet she is seeking legal divorce from this man. 😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

2. So what? She has had a change of mind and decided it is no longer worth it for her to remain tied to such a situation. Why are you having a problem with that or feeling that she should be reminded of her original decision? 🤔

3. Nonsense! Na the father-in-law she marry abi na the man wey she talk say she no wan follow do marriage with she dey married to? 🤔

4. If the lady's husband agreed to marry her without a job or business to her name, wetin be your own business or complaint naw? The man agreed and married her that way so why pretend she is somehow to blame for that now? Why una dey like reason like this for Pete's sake?🤔

There’s still room for reconciliation.

lilyheaven:
■ There’s still room for reconciliation.

That is up to you to decide!

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lilyheaven:
■ Leave me alone this woman.
■ This woman , you are asking to leave her husband, loves her husband. That’s why she has stayed this long, If her husband comes this night and beg her, they will still go back to normal.
■ It’s not me that will ask a married woman to leave her husband. My own is to add sugar not fire. It’s her personal decision.

I don tell you to stop playing ridiculous mind games already! No one asked her to leave her husband as that decision she already made herself!

2. Stop trying so hard to reason like tambolo about these things! That she has stayed this long does not mean she can or should never leave. That idea that she can't is only born of tambolo logic. OP is not begging you to let her leave or something that you would then convince yourself that you get to decide whether she stays or leaves the marriage.

3. When a married person decides to leave, it is not because someone asked but because the person chose of his/her own volition to leave. Again, stop with the tambolo logic! Married people who decide to leave their marriages are not imbeciles but humans with mature ability to make just that kind of decision for even themselves.

When I saw a house was not forthcoming, I decided to take it upon myself to get a place for us and saved up. I carried his mom and sister along and finally got one once the money was complete.
Hubby refused moving in. This was our seventh year of marriage. We had been living apart all these while.
He insulted me and called me a manipulator. He came and stayed over once a week though and during this time I took in.
When the rent expired, I wanted to renew. I reached out to my uncle cos he had been helping me in this issue. He asked me not to pay without asking my hubby if he would move in this time

MommaD, this question has been nagging at me for a while now so I feel I should ask anyway. Since your current arrangement has you not living with your husband — that's the digest I got from your post—, how do you know the man, I mean your husband, does not equally have a similar arrangement with another woman/baby mama the area as he has with you? Have you investigated this at least?

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Kobojunkie:
That is up to you to decide!

Marriage matter is tricky shaaa, especially in Nigeria. If this woman really wants to leave, she wont be here making this post.

How do you explain her still sleeping with him? After he abandoned her in her mother's house? How does even make sense? Some women will take that as an excuse to leave the marriage, I know I would!


So in a way I agree with Lily, she doesn't want her marriage to end. But is it out of love? I sincerely doubt that!!!

lilyheaven:
There’s still room for reconciliation.

That's because the woman is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and the typical Nigerian woman "i must stay married " mentality.

That's why I always say have your money as a woman, e get why!

If this woman had the means she would have moved her kids to a different state or even country, and be relaxing. Oga will use his hand to carry his draws and come there!

UjuJoan2:
■ Marriage matter is tricky shaaa, especially in Nigeria. If this woman really wants to leave, she wont be here making this post. How do you explain her still sleeping with him? After he abandoned her in her mother's house? How does even make sense? Some women will take that as an excuse to leave the marriage, I know I would! So in a way I agree with Lily, she doesn't want her marriage to end. But is it out of love? I sincerely doubt that!!!

I don't try to explain why people choose to remain in deplorable or abusive marriages because I see no reason why anyone should choose such a situation for themselves or worse, their children. Looking at the state of the Nation as a whole, it is no surprise why many women would choose to remain in such marriages thinking they better themselves by doing so when the statistics continue to prove otherwise.

UjuJoan2:
That's because the woman is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, and the typical Nigerian woman "i must stay married " mentality.

That's why I always say have your money as a woman, e get why!

If this woman had the means she would have moved her kids to a different state or even country, and be relaxing. Oga will use his hand to carry his draws and come there!

If she leaves or stays, she’ll will still be the one to take care of her responsibilities.
A man at 50 , that can’t provide any financial assistance, won’t provide tomorrow except miracle happens.
That money she has saved for divorce and house rent, let her use it for business.