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I need matured advice. (Long read)

My husband has become like a thorn in my flesh.

When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility. I don’t complain about money, if I asks and he says he doesn’t have, I don’t ask again. Over time, I don’t ask, he just uses his initiative to drop whatever he has. Whether its N60k or 90k per 3 months as income increases, I don’t bother.

He gives me issues on money problem, he wants us to save jointly, I refused. The reason for this is because in the course of this marriage journey, we have both really hurt each other. I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.

He looks for every reason to quarrel. If I tell him that I am very tired and not in the mood for sex, the next day, he would wait till 6.25am and tell me that henceforth I have to start prepping the children for school, I leave for work by 6.30am. Meanwhile I have been up since 4am, cooking and arranging the children’s things. My kids stay for afterschool and so I have to cook what they would eat till evening. Then later in the evening, he would tell me he wants sex. Truth be told and I think he also knows that sex is more of a moral obligation for me, so that he won’t have something to accuse me of. During sex, I remember all the hurtful words and messages he has sent to me while in the office, and I just can’t wait for it to end.

In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food. I said nothing. Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

I have begged to hire a nanny (I would pay for it and he knows that); all I need was approval, but it has been denied. I begged for 3 years to have someone come in to clean the house on weekends. He is the one doing it but the complaint was too much. Eventually he agreed to have someone come in on weekends, but if we have disagreements (not quarrel o), he would stop the person from coming, so that I would do it myself.

My family don’t like him, I have been told several times to leave him. But he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him. Leaving him would also affect them, but my mental state is in tatters.

I am a very private person but since I married him, he has reported me to every pastor I know, and when I am asked and I lay my own side of the story, he quarrels with the pastors for not taking sides with him and we have to change church. I have told him that if he reports me to anyone, I won’t honour it because it’s become one too many. Are we the only ones who cannot seem to manage our problems? And I am done hopping from one church to the other.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

Since he is the devil and you are the saint according to your write up kindly divorce him.

No need for any advice apart from walking out of the marriage.

(Women are all the same, they must play victim in every situation.) Lol

jify:
I need matured advice. (Long read)

Please how do I navigate this?

The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

You acknowledged that your family don't like him and that is most likely due to your fault!! The fact that your family's dislike of him is well known to him, it is one of the major cause of the lack of peace in your home.

You guys also now lack emotional attachment as a result of break in healthy communication and trust.

It is also somehow apparent that you don't respect him and he in turn don't regards you.

You both love your kids. This can be used as a common ground to repair the relationship between you.

You guys also need to resolve to address the first three points I raised earlier.

In addition, he needs to stop being petty and manipulative while you need to stop being disrespectful and feeling too important because you contribute to the welfare of the home.

Can ibe this patient

Men are so ruthless.... He is messing with you emotionally spiritually financially and physically still you chose to remain in such union...

Please don't use your kids as an excuse to remain in an abusive marriage...

You die from the trauma of this your toxic marriage then what happens to the kids?

Like iwould always say... Women should learn to boycott this gender... Men got nothing to offer especially men of this generation....


Aunt please take your kids and leave...

Stevenbright:
You acknowledged that your family don't like him and that is most likely due to your fault!! The fact that your family's dislike of him is well known to him, it is one of the major cause of the lack of peace in your home.

You guys also now lack emotional attachment as a result of break in healthy communication and trust.

It is also somehow apparent that you don't respect him and he in turn don't regards you.

You both love your kids. This can be used as a common ground to repair the relationship between you.

You guys also need to resolve to address the first three points I raised earlier.

In addition, he needs to stop being petty and manipulative while you need to stop being disrespectful and feeling too important because you contribute to the welfare of the home.

I acknowledge that I have lost every single respect for him. It's hard for me to have any.

My family don't like him because he beat me up and when they tried to talk to him, he insulted my brother and told him to take me away. These days he picks up his phone, calls my mother and insults her even when he's the one talking and I don't fuel it. How do I continue to hold respect for someone who insults my parents and upbringing.

Like I said, the words in my mouth can be deadly so I try not to talk. But that in itself is a problem. He wants me to talk and contribute to the quarrel. Or better still, accept every suggestion he makes and see it as right. Which I have been trying to do but slip up once in a while.

I never sit him down to complain about anything. I have learnt to bottle up my feelings. He brings up issues of things I have done and if I say something like "I didn't see anything wrong when I was doing it", he seats down, think about it and comes back with the notion that I'm disrespectful.

When you finally come to the point in that situation where nothing and no one is worth your peace, you will know what to do.

What stands out to me is your refusal to communicate with your husband. I am not saying it to put any blame on you but it is interesting that it’s you, the wife, who avoids talking about the issues in your marriage because more often than not, it’s men who refuse to talk.

How do you want him to understand you if you don’t communicate your feelings and wants?

How do you want to understand your husband if you don’t hear him out?

Why do you have to bottle up what’s on your mind and heart until you explode? Why don’t you communicate your feelings, worries, sorrows and desires earlier?

There are many other issues in your marriage but I, for my part, really don’t know how to resolve conflict and create intimacy without proper, honest, meaningful, respectful, mature communication.

Mariangeles:
When you finally come to the point in that situation where nothing and no one is worth your peace, you will know what to do.

Honestly I'm at that point but I fear that I would only be thinking about myself and not how it affects my kids negatively. Like I said he is a great father and there's a great bond between him and the kids.

Why do you open up everything about your finances to your husband? He is manipulating you to shoulder the bills, yet he does not love you. You can see clearly that he lacks respect for you and your family, therefore you are supposed to plan your life in case you both finally separate. You have decided to stay put because of the children, but you must apply wisdom.

What I hate most is when a man goes physical, holding your clothes to provoke you for a fight? The toxic environment is not even good for the children. You are used to living with him, and you think you can't cope alone as a single mother. However, the day you finally decide to separate from him, you will realize that you can live happily without him. Also search well, cuz it seems the man is using substances. The unnecessary drama and different characteristics you mentioned above might be due to the fact that he's under the influence of alcohol or substances. Advise him to get help if that's the case.

jify:
I acknowledge that I have lost every single respect for him. It's hard for me to have any.

My family don't like him because he beat me up and when they tried to talk to him, he insulted my brother and told him to take me away. These days he picks up his phone, calls my mother and insults her even when he's the one talking and I don't fuel it. How do I continue to hold respect for someone who insults my parents and upbringing.

Like I said, the words in my mouth can be deadly so I try not to talk. But that in itself is a problem. He wants me to talk and contribute to the quarrel. Or better still, accept every suggestion he makes and see it as right. Which I have been trying to do but slip up once in a while.

I never sit him down to complain about anything. I have learnt to bottle up my feelings. He brings up issues of things I have done and if I say something like "I didn't see anything wrong when I was doing it", he seats down, think about it and comes back with the notion that I'm disrespectful.

To bottle up issues like this when you have to deal with the person everyday is not a good thing. It is energy and mentally draining. So, you must find a way to communicate with him what you want and how you feel about things without causing problem by simply mastering your tone while at it while equally weeding out negative/insulting words. Also try to put yourself in his shoes while dealing with him to be sure you are being fair.

Do the above to achieve a sustainable atmosphere at home while bidding your time to plan your exit strategy if that is what you want.

Maeve7:
What stands out to me is your refusal to communicate with your husband. I am not saying it to put any blame on you but it is interesting that it’s you, the wife, who avoids talking about the issues in your marriage because more often than not, it’s men who refuse to talk.

How do you want him to understand you if you don’t communicate your feelings and wants?

How do you want to understand your husband if you don’t hear him out?

Why do you have to bottle up what’s on your mind and heart until you explode? Why don’t you communicate your feelings, worries, sorrows and desires earlier?

There are many other issues in your marriage but I, for my part, really don’t know how to resolve conflict and create intimacy without proper, honest, meaningful, respectful, mature communication.

Forgiveness is not in his dictionary. Why I prefer to keep quiet is that if I voice out my concerns, 2 months down the line, he would use it to mock me, or say things that make me regret ever speaking up.

If I say something like I'm not happy with the way things are, he would use it to mock me years down the line. I tell him things about a sibling, normal husband and wife talk, when he is upset, he uses my sister's situation in mockery. So I don't talk about anything at all that gives him opportunity to insult me. I told him of how my dad spent time marrying women while we were growing up, in mockery, he used it to insult my mother.

Even in talking to him about my concerns, he picks up every single point and lets me know it's my fault. I have never felt better talking about concerns, I always regret it. So I never raise it up, he knows that even if I'm dying I won't voice out. Even when he took me to a marriage counseling committee, and I voiced out some of my concerns, later on, he used it in mockery. So for my kind of person, I withdraw into my shell and lock up.

I hate drama and publicity. He doesn't mind creating drama out of everything. In other not to have drama and neighbors gathering to ask, I lock up.

Down2earth101:


Can ibe this patient

Men are so ruthless.... He is messing with you emotionally spiritually financially and physically still you chose to remain in such union...

Please don't use your kids as an excuse to remain in an abusive marriage...

You die from the trauma of this your toxic marriage then what happens to the kids?

Like iwould always say... Women should learn to boycott this gender... Men got nothing to offer especially men of this generation....


Aunt please take your kids and leave...

Foolish counselor. The Bible calls you miserable comforters.

Always quick to advice women to leave their matrimonial home to join there league of divorcees. I know you're a divorced yourself or a soon to be divorced wife... Because no reasonable honorable married women will ever advice another wife to leave her marriage on trivial issues as this.

I just assume you're not single. Because, if you not single, marriage isn't for people like you. Steer clear of marriage.

Dear op. All you have said are still workable with wise wisdom counsels. Just pray for wisdom.

jify:
Forgiveness is not in his dictionary. Why I prefer to keep quiet is that if I voice out my concerns, 2 months down the line, he would use it to mock me, or say things that make me regret ever speaking up.

If I say something like I'm not happy with the way things are, he would use it to mock me years down the line. I tell him things about a sibling, normal husband and wife talk, when he is upset, he uses my sister's situation in mockery. So I don't talk about anything at all that gives him opportunity to insult me. I told him of how my dad spent time marrying women while we were growing up, in mockery, he used it to insult my mother.

Even in talking to him about my concerns, he picks up every single point and lets me know it's my fault. I have never felt better talking about concerns, I always regret it. So I never raise it up, he knows that even if I'm dying I won't voice out. Even when he took me to a marriage counseling committee, and I voiced out some of my concerns, later on, he used it in mockery. So for my kind of person, I withdraw into my shell and lock up.

I hate drama and publicity. He doesn't mind creating drama out of everything. In other not to have drama and neighbors gathering to ask, I lock up.

You no longer trust him, I understand.
Where would you like to go from here?

Capernum:
Foolish counselor. The Bible calls you miserable comforters.

Always quick to advice women to leave their matrimonial home to join there league of divorcees. I know you're a divorced yourself or a soon to be divorced wife... Because no reasonable honorable married women will ever advice another wife to leave her marriage on trivial issues as this.

I just assume you're not single. Because, if you not single, marriage isn't for people like you. Steer clear of marriage.

Dear op. All you have said are still workable with wise wisdom counsels. Just pray for wisdom.

Yeah wisdom and counseling until the husband kills her...

It you that will still say "why didn't she leave"
Nonsense people... When your sister is in such toxic marriage please keep advising her to try and work things out...


Op please marriage ain't by force... Leave with your kid...

Down2earth101:
Yeah wisdom and counseling until the husband kills her...

It you that will still say "why didn't she leave"
Nonsense people... When your sister is in such toxic marriage please keep advising her to try and work things out...


Op please marriage ain't by force... Leave with your kid...

My sisters are very submissiveness to their husbands.. It's not rossy anywhere.

Any good marriage you see out there are product of several endurance, wise actions and patience.

Mumu. You think everyone gives up quickly on marriage like you? OYO is your case.


Op's marriage will work out, she'll pay the price while you continue to stay out of marriage with your deformed toxic children you're raising alone.

jify:
Honestly I'm at that point but I fear that I would only be thinking about myself and not how it affects my kids negatively. Like I said he is a great father and there's a great bond between him and the kids.

The whole toxic situation is already affecting the children negatively.

Capernum:
Foolish counselor. The Bible calls you miserable comforters.

Always quick to advice women to leave their matrimonial home to join there league of divorcees. I know you're a divorced yourself or a soon to be divorced wife... Because no reasonable honorable married women will ever advice another wife to leave her marriage on trivial issues as this.

I just assume you're not single. Because, if you not single, marriage isn't for people like you. Steer clear of marriage.

Dear op. All you have said are still workable with wise wisdom counsels. Just pray for wisdom.

If you don’t like someone‘s piece of advice, offer something better. So far you haven’t been helpful.

LET US HEAR THE MANS SIDE OF THE STORY. TO ME YOU'RE GUILTY

YOU CAN'T INSULT A MAN YOUR LIVING WITH, THAT'S CAPITAL SIN TO MEN

-

Make me understand a good father and a non loving spouse in one person.

jify:
I need matured advice. (Long read)

My husband has become like a thorn in my flesh.

When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility. I don’t complain about money, if I asks and he says he doesn’t have, I don’t ask again. Over time, I don’t ask, he just uses his initiative to drop whatever he has. Whether its N60k or 90k per 3 months as income increases, I don’t bother.

He gives me issues on money problem, he wants us to save jointly, I refused. The reason for this is because in the course of this marriage journey, we have both really hurt each other. I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.

He looks for every reason to quarrel. If I tell him that I am very tired and not in the mood for sex, the next day, he would wait till 6.25am and tell me that henceforth I have to start prepping the children for school, I leave for work by 6.30am. Meanwhile I have been up since 4am, cooking and arranging the children’s things. My kids stay for afterschool and so I have to cook what they would eat till evening. Then later in the evening, he would tell me he wants sex. Truth be told and I think he also knows that sex is more of a moral obligation for me, so that he won’t have something to accuse me of. During sex, I remember all the hurtful words and messages he has sent to me while in the office, and I just can’t wait for it to end.

In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food. I said nothing. Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

I have begged to hire a nanny (I would pay for it and he knows that); all I need was approval, but it has been denied. I begged for 3 years to have someone come in to clean the house on weekends. He is the one doing it but the complaint was too much. Eventually he agreed to have someone come in on weekends, but if we have disagreements (not quarrel o), he would stop the person from coming, so that I would do it myself.

My family don’t like him, I have been told several times to leave him. But he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him. Leaving him would also affect them, but my mental state is in tatters.

I am a very private person but since I married him, he has reported me to every pastor I know, and when I am asked and I lay my own side of the story, he quarrels with the pastors for not taking sides with him and we have to change church. I have told him that if he reports me to anyone, I won’t honour it because it’s become one too many. Are we the only ones who cannot seem to manage our problems? And I am done hopping from one church to the other.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

And you say he is an amazing father...

Sorry OP

But I think you need a brain reset

You need to be strong to move on with the kids and your life

This world won't end o

jify:
When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility.

I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.


In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food.

Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

This is my own honest advice from my experience in marriage and the marriages of people around us.

First, Financial arrangements of a family are unique to that family. There shouldn't be any basis for comparison with others. Most probably, what you started with is most likely what your partner will expect to continue.

I understand that you acknowledged you can be verbally abusive. Please try as much as possible to control your tongue. Unless you both have agreed to go separate ways, hurtful words spoken will remain. I hate when spousal arguments turn physical, so make arrangements to go outside when he starts dragging you even if it's inside the compound until the matter subsides.

Parental and family abuse is where I draw the line. Personally, I wouldn't be with anyone who is disrespectful or abusive towards my family. It denotes a disrespectful and impulsive individual. That's not someone I want to be a partner with. I don't know the unpalatable words you say though, maybe you abuse his family too. In that case, it would be hard to advise. But does he actually picks up the phone and call your mother to actually abuse her on the phone? If so, unbelievable.

Why is your brother saying that to your husband? Your brother's advise should have been to you and not him. I believe he said that due to what you have told your family about him. When you report your spouse to your family, you might forgive and forget, but your family wouldn't.

Finance is what causes majority of the arguments in marriage. Have a talk on the current realities and have him talk about what he wants to do financially. You can find someone he respects to have him talk to him if you cannot reach an agreement on your own. But like I said, you already started on the wrong foot by showing you were capable. I'll be surprised if there is a way out for you.

About the phone call harassment in the office, put your phone on airplane mode or disable the sim. No calls, no problem. But I wonder how long you'll be able to keep up with it.

Maybe it's due to my own upbringing, but I believe your mum's mantra is a little bit wrong.
It should only be followed if there is a major factor that causes a change in circumstances, if not, it will encourage irresponsibility and laziness in men. Like for example, I take care of 100% in my household. The only month in my marriage that my wife took care of like half of the bills due to medical reasons, I noticed how complacent I was. Have his family speak to him again, get financial commitments and make sure you don't bail him out, except he lost his job, a major expense or health reasons. You must also show strength in your resolve. For example, if he says he will pay the children school fees, have the children sit at home with him on the first day of resumption if the fees have not been paid by then. I hope you have neighbors who will ask him why his children have not resumed yet.

I do not understand this husband locking wives out of a thing. I never saw something like this growing up but I can't believe how common it is since I became an adult. It shows a lack of care about the safety of your spouse. This is why I strongly dislike impulsive people. If anything were to happen to you out in the cold, does he know he will take the blame for it. If such were to happen to my daughter, I'm certain it will be the last time it ever happens.

Esthered:
Make me understand a good father and a non loving spouse in one person.

Yes. They are not mutually exclusive to each other.

People can be good fathers to their children and bad husbands to their wife. Growing up, I know plenty of good wives but bad mothers.

Mille:
Yes. They are not mutually exclusive to each other.

People can be good fathers to their children and bad husbands to their wife. Growing up, I know plenty of good wives but bad mothers.

@bolded
Good wives = they love their husbands
Bad mother = they hate/maltreat their children



Na question idey ask

Down2earth101:
@bolded
Good wives = they love their husbands
Bad mother = they hate/maltreat their children



Na question idey ask

Doesn't even include love or hate. Being a good or bad wife/mother doesn't automatically mean the person loves or hate husband/children.

Good wife - Does many of the things expected of a wife (by her husband or societal standards)

Bad wife - Doesn't do many of the things children (or the society) expects from a mother.

For example, you can claim to love your child, but if after they close from school, you put a tray on their head to go and hawk groundnut on the expressway, you are a bad mother.


Take this scenario that unfolded this year in the estate I live in.

Husband is the breadwinner. Husband loses his source of income while wife only has a petty shop just outside the estate. Wife is supportive of husband in his downtime. Takes charge of the home using her petty business, uses her finance to make him able to attend interviews, and uses her contacts to find him job opportunities, and ultimately lands him a job. Home was kept running smoothly without husband having to borrow from friends or family.

The truth was wife's business was not flourishing either during this downtime. Turns out wife, without the knowledge of the husband or anyone else, has been pimping out her 12 year old daughter to the Hausa men who do security for many of the houses in the estate. It was only exposed when she tried stopping after the husband was back on his feet.

In less than 3 sentences, do you consider her a good/bad wife/mother?

Mille:
Doesn't even include love or hate. Being a good or bad wife/mother doesn't automatically mean the person loves or hate husband/children.

Good wife - Does many of the things expected of a wife (by her husband or societal standards)

Bad wife - Doesn't do many of the things children (or the society) expects from a mother.

For example, you can claim to love your child, but if after they close from school, you put a tray on their head to go and hawk groundnut on the expressway, you are a bad mother.


Take this scenario that unfolded this year in the estate I live in.

Husband is the breadwinner. Husband loses his source of income while wife only has a petty shop just outside the estate. Wife is supportive of husband in his downtime. Takes charge of the home using her petty business, uses her finance to make him able to attend interviews, and uses her contacts to find him job opportunities, and ultimately lands him a job. Home was kept running smoothly without husband having to borrow from friends or family.

The truth was wife's business was not flourishing either during this downtime. Turns out wife, without the knowledge of the husband or anyone else, has been pimping out her 12 year old daughter to the Hausa men who do security for many of the houses in the estate. It was only exposed when she tried stopping after the husband was back on his feet.

In less than 3 sentences, do you consider her a good/bad wife/mother?

Can't give you 3 sentences (sorry)


She is a bad woman... No long cap...

Trying to uphold the "family" at the detriment of their kid....

Iwould never support such woman...


Modified____ women are extremely sacrificial... But a simple question... What was the husband ready to sacrifice to have the family together ?

jify:
I need matured advice. (Long read)

My husband has become like a thorn in my flesh.

When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility. I don’t complain about money, if I asks and he says he doesn’t have, I don’t ask again. Over time, I don’t ask, he just uses his initiative to drop whatever he has. Whether its N60k or 90k per 3 months as income increases, I don’t bother.

He gives me issues on money problem, he wants us to save jointly, I refused. The reason for this is because in the course of this marriage journey, we have both really hurt each other. I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.

He looks for every reason to quarrel. If I tell him that I am very tired and not in the mood for sex, the next day, he would wait till 6.25am and tell me that henceforth I have to start prepping the children for school, I leave for work by 6.30am. Meanwhile I have been up since 4am, cooking and arranging the children’s things. My kids stay for afterschool and so I have to cook what they would eat till evening. Then later in the evening, he would tell me he wants sex. Truth be told and I think he also knows that sex is more of a moral obligation for me, so that he won’t have something to accuse me of. During sex, I remember all the hurtful words and messages he has sent to me while in the office, and I just can’t wait for it to end.

In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food. I said nothing. Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

I have begged to hire a nanny (I would pay for it and he knows that); all I need was approval, but it has been denied. I begged for 3 years to have someone come in to clean the house on weekends. He is the one doing it but the complaint was too much. Eventually he agreed to have someone come in on weekends, but if we have disagreements (not quarrel o), he would stop the person from coming, so that I would do it myself.

My family don’t like him, I have been told several times to leave him. But he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him. Leaving him would also affect them, but my mental state is in tatters.

I am a very private person but since I married him, he has reported me to every pastor I know, and when I am asked and I lay my own side of the story, he quarrels with the pastors for not taking sides with him and we have to change church. I have told him that if he reports me to anyone, I won’t honour it because it’s become one too many. Are we the only ones who cannot seem to manage our problems? And I am done hopping from one church to the other.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

Where una dey see all these kain men marry...just curious

Better wait till you hear the man's side before you start raining curses o

Mille:
Yes. They are not mutually exclusive to each other.

People can be good fathers to their children and bad husbands to their wife. Growing up, I know plenty of good wives but bad mothers.

Okay.

Mille:
This is my own honest advice from my experience in marriage and the marriages of people around us.

First, Financial arrangements of a family are unique to that family. There shouldn't be any basis for comparison with others. Most probably, what you started with is most likely what your partner will expect to continue.

I understand that you acknowledged you can be verbally abusive. Please try as much as possible to control your tongue. Unless you both have agreed to go separate ways, hurtful words spoken will remain. I hate when spousal arguments turn physical, so make arrangements to go outside when he starts dragging you even if it's inside the compound until the matter subsides.

Parental and family abuse is where I draw the line. Personally, I wouldn't be with anyone who is disrespectful or abusive towards my family. It denotes a disrespectful and impulsive individual. That's not someone I want to be a partner with. I don't know the unpalatable words you say though, maybe you abuse his family too. In that case, it would be hard to advise. But does he actually picks up the phone and call your mother to actually abuse her on the phone? If so, unbelievable.

Why is your brother saying that to your husband? Your brother's advise should have been to you and not him. I believe he said that due to what you have told your family about him. When you report your spouse to your family, you might forgive and forget, but your family wouldn't.

Finance is what causes majority of the arguments in marriage. Have a talk on the current realities and have him talk about what he wants to do financially. You can find someone he respects to have him talk to him if you cannot reach an agreement on your own. But like I said, you already started on the wrong foot by showing you were capable. I'll be surprised if there is a way out for you.

About the phone call harassment in the office, put your phone on airplane mode or disable the sim. No calls, no problem. But I wonder how long you'll be able to keep up with it.

Maybe it's due to my own upbringing, but I believe your mum's mantra is a little bit wrong.
It should only be followed if there is a major factor that causes a change in circumstances, if not, it will encourage irresponsibility and laziness in men. Like for example, I take care of 100% in my household. The only month in my marriage that my wife took care of like half of the bills due to medical reasons, I noticed how complacent I was. Have his family speak to him again, get financial commitments and make sure you don't bail him out, except he lost his job, a major expense or health reasons. You must also show strength in your resolve. For example, if he says he will pay the children school fees, have the children sit at home with him on the first day of resumption if the fees have not been paid by then. I hope you have neighbors who will ask him why his children have not resumed yet.

I do not understand this husband locking wives out of a thing. I never saw something like this growing up but I can't believe how common it is since I became an adult. It shows a lack of care about the safety of your spouse. This is why I strongly dislike impulsive people. If anything were to happen to you out in the cold, does he know he will take the blame for it. If such were to happen to my daughter, I'm certain it will be the last time it ever happens.

I have never been verbally abusive to him. In all our over nine years of marriage, I can say that I have insulted him twice (God go punish you), after he locked me out and I left to go live with my sister and he called after a month that I should come back. His mother divorced his father but I have never used that to insult him.

Yes he picks up the phone and insults my mother. Most times when he wants me to react and I'm fighting to control myself not to react. He knows that if I hear that he has called my mother I would react. He says my mother raised us not to be submissive to our husbands. That's why she gets the bulk of insults

When my brother told him that was on the occasion when he asked me to leave and pushed me out,my brother was mad and angry that it had become one too many, he saw the bruises on my body. My brother actually came to pack my things and they got into an altercation.

One of my major faults is that I'm not someone who takes instructions on face value, I want to be heard in decision making that affects me and my kids in the home. But he wants to say this is what we are going to do and that's final. When I object to it or refine it to suit my strength, I'm disrespectful and wants to be in charge. He always says he is the man and knows what he is doing.

Example, He wants me to teach the children in weekends and when I say I can't work all the week and then Saturdays when I'm supposed to rest I am to start drawing lesson and turn to a teacher. Some weekends I don't even want to get out of bed. I propose that we hire a teacher who can come in on Saturdays. For me opposing the way he says it, shows that I am not submissive to my husband. I work 3 jobs at a go. I have a normal 9-5 job, I manage an online business for someone, then I manage another personal full fledged business from my office. I work 3 mentally draining businesses, I still do assignments with the kids, cook as soon as I drop my bags, wash dishes, etc. When I wanted to get washing machine, he called it waste of resources and that i shouldn't, i refused and went ahead to get one.

He believes that I am lazy (domestic work) and is willing to pay other people to do my duties. And for me, why do I have to put stress on myself when I can pay people to do the work. I already have a weak heart condition, I'm asthmatic, why add more stress.

Mille:
Yes. They are not mutually exclusive to each other.

People can be good fathers to their children and bad husbands to their wife. Growing up, I know plenty of good wives but bad mothers.

Are you saying that a wife beater can make a good father?

He is a great father indeed
Till you become mentally unstable, do not leave .
Yeye