₦airaland Forum

This is scary.
I'm not married but I propose a temporal separation o. This will give you time to breath.
Take a vacation jareh, this union is not what I pray for any living human

Bobodee09:
Since he is the devil and you are the saint according to your write up kindly divorce him.

No need for any advice apart from walking out of the marriage.

(Women are all the same, they must play victim in every situation.) Lol

If you don't have any reasonable advice to offer, why constitute a nuisance?

You can put up with it till your kids are old enough for university, and leave him then if you so much think you can't raise them on your own.

Reading through your experience here, I cannot deny the fact that you are an amazing woman, properly brought up in a godly home.

I appreciate your patience and submission to your husband and your sacrifice to ensure your home does not break.

As a pastor and certified counsellor, I believe all attempts should be made to preserve the sanctity of marriage as ordained by God, and divorce should never be an option.

However, I'm afraid there's need to take two steps backwards in your marriage in order to preserve your mental health and emotional wellbeing.

Rather than a divorce, you may need to separate for some time from your husband.
It seems he has a hidden agenda concerning the home. He doesn't seem to understand what it means to be a husband and a father, neither does he appreciate your person. It looks like he sees some women outside that he thinks would fit him better than you are.

It also seems he's not comfortable with you being financially strong enough to take care of yourself. He would prefer a disempowered and dependent woman who completely leans on him.

I would counsel you to consider a separation from him for sometime, not a divorce.

Don't wait until you develop depression.

Give him room to explore his fantasies. He will soon come back to his senses.

Take your children with you and nurture them.

You need to be alive to take care of them, so take care of yourself.

Socratiz:
Reading through your experience here, I cannot deny the fact that you are an amazing woman, properly brought up in a godly home.

I appreciate your patience and submission to your husband and your sacrifice to ensure your home does not break.

As a pastor and certified counsellor, I believe all attempts should be made to preserve the sanctity of marriage as ordained by God, and divorce should never be an option.

However, I'm afraid there's need to take two steps backwards in your marriage in order to preserve your mental health and emotional wellbeing.

Rather than a divorce, you may need to separate for some time from your husband.
It seems he has a hidden agenda concerning the home. He doesn't seem to understand what it means to be a husband and a father, neither does he appreciate your person. It looks like he sees some women outside that he thinks would fit him better than you are.

It also seems he's not comfortable with you being financially strong enough to take care of yourself. He would prefer a disempowered and dependent woman who completely leans on him.

I would counsel you to consider a separation from him for sometime, not a divorce.

Don't wait until you develop depression.

Give him room to explore his fantasies. He will soon come back to his senses.

Take your children with you and nurture them.

You need to be alive to take care of them, so take care of yourself.

This is the best input. A temporary separation is the best option right now maybe he will appreciate you more during your absence.

Hmmmmmm.....the troubles "I must be married by force" causes all stake holders no be small. He does all of that but you are wondering how to navigate staying with him? It is well with you.

I hope your kids don't hate you when they grow for putting up with sh.t and having them do same. It is well.

The saying " I'm staying because of my my children" is outdated and belongs in the past . Most of our mothers stayed in a loveless, Misery of a marriage because of their children because the man was the sole provider and they wouldn't be able to cope without his provision.

Everyone deserves happiness, YOU, your kids(two happy divorced parent is better than a vile, unhappy home), even your husband. Thankfully you can take care of yourself, Separate for a while to allow some breathing space between you two, if after 6 months of separation there is no resolution in sight, Divorce and move on with joint custody of the kids.

You only live this short life once—live it happily or in pursuit of happiness.

Personally, What i see here is a man with a low self esteem that is Jealous of his successful wife.I pray to God for me not to change when i get married in about year.This is the kind of woman i pray for,who doing very well for herself.My wife wants to pay for weekend teacher for my children,what's the big deal there?For God sake she works from Monday to Friday.Why should i insist she should teach my children on weekends?is that not wickedness?

We generally don't change when we get married.I am almost 35 and all my close guys are married,and they didn't change very much.
When I see some things they do as married men it doesn't surprise me because that's how they have always been.For me,this marriage stuff,is not a do or die affair.The only deal breaker for me is a cheating spouse.I can't stay with a cheating wife,when i have been faithful
to my marital vows.

The way we were brought up as men usually shape how we become as a husband and father.Can u imagine the audacity to call your mother in law and insult her, because of quarrel with her daughter,nor be see finish be that one?I have married sisters(both elder and younger),I can't imagine their husbands calling to insult my mother,say na wetin happen? Sometimes for years,i don't talk to their husbands and all of us are in Nigeria.One them even message me last month to say bros na wa o.some of us guys here are supporting this so called man.I read one comment here saying may the wife insulted his family that's why he pick up the phone to rain insults on wife's mum,can u imagine that kind yeye talk?Abeg make i rest here,this thread they annoy me.

I want to thank you all. I appreciate the responses. I needed to put things in proper perspectives. I have no intention of demonizing him but this is my reality.
I know I have been using my kids as a valid reason but it's time to own up to my mistakes and stop running from my shadow.

Maybe shame is part of why I had stuck around, few days to my wedding my pastor begged me to call it off, told me that I was too quiet and calm to live with him, but I didn't listen. Years later, his sister told me that when she met me, she was afraid that I was too quiet and calm to handle her brother. However it was too late to cry.

I have put a lot of strain on my mother, I am required to call her everyday to verify that I am still alive and that I am not facing any problems that puts my health as risk, especially because of my heart condition. I am already tired. My whole family wants me to leave, in fact my sisters husbands have told me that the day I am ready, they would be at my house to take me away. Just last week, my eldest sister husband asked me when am I ready to leave that place, that I don't deserve what I am going through. He wants to know why I have decided to be stupid with myself.

Thank you.

One of the reasons why I created this was because he told me that it's because he is helping me with the kids, therefore he has decided that he will no longer help me with the kids again. And I said but they're your kids I told him that since you have decided to share what a wife and husband duties are, does that mean that I would no longer be taking care of feeding, since that is deemed to be the husband responsibility.

I got a message in the office, that should I stop providing food as at when due, I would not be allowed into the house. Last night I had to provide food because should I not do it, I would be dragged outside with no clothes and going to work would be difficult.

Yesterday I asked him to give us money to cook he refused, he deliberately refused to help me buy fuel for the generator, I had soups and stews, fish etc, in the fridge, I begged but he refused. By the time I came back, almost everything was turning bad because of the grid collapse. Had to give out everything to some women instead of losing everything.

I didn't cook today. I have been locked out for not providing his food. Two options, either I beg, and use my money to provide food or I go to my sister's place to sleep.

I guess I have to find the resolve to choose me. I have always felt being taken advantage of.

What's happening with you today?

Has your husband simmered down?

Are you able to enter the house and cook for your children?

Has the tension gone down?

jify:
Honestly I'm at that point but I fear that I would only be thinking about myself and not how it affects my kids negatively. Like I said he is a great father and there's a great bond between him and the kids.

Hmmm If you plan to leave, your perfect opportunity would be the day he texts you not to step into the house or throws you out himself. Because otherwise the narrative he will hold on to and tell everyone including the kids in future is - 'I didn't chase her, she left on her own'

Please value your health and make the right decision.

jify:
I didn't cook today. I have been locked out for not providing his food. Two options, either I beg, and use my money to provide food or I go to my sister's place to sleep.

I guess I have to find the resolve to choose me. I have always felt being taken advantage of.

Which option did you finally choose?

I was finally allowed to enter the house around 11pm.

I have decided to get separated. My BP is at 200+ and I know I'm at high risk. I have to consider a lot of factors, my children school, when I decide to leave, school needs to be in break so there's no disruption for them.

My mum is away for a burial and won't be back till December, so I need to be sure I have someone to help me settle down, the last times, she was with the kids while I went to work, and the transition was easier for me.

Getting a one bedroom apartment in a good part of Lagos, I need about N1.7m which I never planned for. So I have given myself till December to be able to sort myself. I am done hopping to my sister's house. I also intend to as much as possible avoid any form of conflict, continue with status quo.

My brother would have been ready to help me out with finance but he would escalate the issue because he's already angry and I don't want any more drama.

My sister is aware of my current situation and I know I have someone who would be with me in secret through this whole process. Thank you all so much, I appreciate.

You're going to need all the help you can get, so accept all the help you're offered.
You deserve to be loved. Love yourself enough to choose you.
Stop making excuses, and stop making yourself available to be constantly abused and hurt.

GOD loves you more than you can ever imagine.

jify:
I was finally allowed to enter the house around 11pm.

I have decided to get separated. My BP is at 200+ and I know I'm at high risk. I have to consider a lot of factors, my children school, when I decide to leave, school needs to be in break so there's no disruption for them.

My mum is away for a burial and won't be back till December, so I need to be sure I have someone to help me settle down, the last times, she was with the kids while I went to work, and the transition was easier for me.

Getting a one bedroom apartment in a good part of Lagos, I need about N1.7m which I never planned for. So I have given myself till December to be able to sort myself. I am done hopping to my sister's house. I also intend to as much as possible avoid any form of conflict, continue with status quo.

My brother would have been ready to help me out with finance but he would escalate the issue because he's already angry and I don't want any more drama.

My sister is aware of my current situation and I know I have someone who would be with me in secret through this whole process. Thank you all so much, I appreciate.

Orisirisi

Thank God you've finally decided to leave the man and put yourself first, trust me your kids will be fine and turn out better than expected.

If what you are saying is true - search yourself

Save your evidence for the future. One day you might need to tell these stories to your children including your culpability.

Remove yourself from the marriage but don't deny the children their father.

Don't be negative about him towards them in whatever form. You will ruin them too and it will come back to bite you.

Don't let him get to you, because he would try to hurt you after this. It is not worth it. You are also ruining your mental health by engaging with him.

Please get your brother involved. You are not helping yourself from him if you don't. People like him will only understand when they meet their match. He needs know your support system is reliable and can go to hell back for you.

jify:
Honestly I'm at that point but I fear that I would only be thinking about myself and not how it affects my kids negatively. Like I said he is a great father and there's a great bond between him and the kids.

1.

but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me

2.

he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him

3.

For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken

I am trying to find the correlatiom between No 2 and the other points.

Anyway, happy anniversary in advance. 🤍

So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

It only ends one way. Budding independent virtuous wives should please take note. ✌️

jify:
I have never been verbally abusive to him. In all our over nine years of marriage, I can say that I have insulted him twice (God go punish you), after he locked me out and I left to go live with my sister and he called after a month that I should come back. His mother divorced his father but I have never used that to insult him.

Yes he picks up the phone and insults my mother. Most times when he wants me to react and I'm fighting to control myself not to react. He knows that if I hear that he has called my mother I would react. He says my mother raised us not to be submissive to our husbands. That's why she gets the bulk of insults

When my brother told him that was on the occasion when he asked me to leave and pushed me out,my brother was mad and angry that it had become one too many, he saw the bruises on my body. My brother actually came to pack my things and they got into an altercation.

One of my major faults is that I'm not someone who takes instructions on face value, I want to be heard in decision making that affects me and my kids in the home. But he wants to say this is what we are going to do and that's final. When I object to it or refine it to suit my strength, I'm disrespectful and wants to be in charge. He always says he is the man and knows what he is doing.

Example, He wants me to teach the children in weekends and when I say I can't work all the week and then Saturdays when I'm supposed to rest I am to start drawing lesson and turn to a teacher. Some weekends I don't even want to get out of bed. I propose that we hire a teacher who can come in on Saturdays. For me opposing the way he says it, shows that I am not submissive to my husband. I work 3 jobs at a go. I have a normal 9-5 job, I manage an online business for someone, then I manage another personal full fledged business from my office. I work 3 mentally draining businesses, I still do assignments with the kids, cook as soon as I drop my bags, wash dishes, etc. When I wanted to get washing machine, he called it waste of resources and that i shouldn't, i refused and went ahead to get one.

He believes that I am lazy (domestic work) and is willing to pay other people to do my duties. And for me, why do I have to put stress on myself when I can pay people to do the work. I already have a weak heart condition, I'm asthmatic, why add more stress.

Your issue is foundational.

There's a role designed for a man and there's a role designed for a woman in marriage.

Once you reverse those roles for any reason, conflict is bound to occur.

Your God ordained role as a wife in your marriage is not to be a breadwinner, decision maker or captain of your marriage ship.

You are ordained to be a home maker, life nurturer and pillar of support in a marriage.

While your husband is ordained to be a provider, decision maker and head of the marriage.

But alas, you and your husband have reversed some of the natural roles you're supposed to play and this is the foundation of the conflict.

My advice to you is to find a way to manage and live in harmony with your husband without hatred and bitterness.

You already made the choice to marry him knowing fully well you earn more than him. This is a mistake and you just have to live with it as kids are already involved.

You'll need to make sacrifices to be more present in your home and in the life of your kids cos that's your natural role.

You're supposed to nurture and take care of the home.

You chasing money and feeling you can pay someone to do your job of taking care of the home and supporting your kids in their learning will never be agreeable to a "family oriented man" who feels it's your responsibility as a wife and part of the family.

Maybe you need to cut back a little on the time and energy consuming hustles to face your family responsibilities.

You can chase all the money in the world and use it to get things done in your home but it'll never replace your own presence and touch.

You never thought of the problems and temptations that will come with you hiring other ladies to help you run your home (cleaning and teaching the kids) while you are out chasing money that can't buy life or happiness.

You should sit down with your husband and have a honest heart to heart talk with him about the future and what both of you can do to make your relationship better.

I want you to know that your work life is what is affecting your family life. You're giving more of your time and energy to your work life than to your family life. This is what is causing the friction in your home because your time and energy is limited and has an opportunity cost.

This should be at the back of your mind in your conversation with your husband.

You personally have to think it out first and reach a decision; can I cut back my time and energy on my hustle which will reduce my income, so I can focus more on my family? If you answer yes, then you can start doing the things your husband asked (keeping the home clean and teaching the kids) and with time your husband will notice the change and appreciate you more.

If you answer no then sorry, your relationship is headed for the rocks.

Just be wise and consider your children in your decision.

If you die, you won't carry those money to heaven or hell.

Prioritise peace and happiness in your home over all else cos in the end that's what matters most.

There's a lot to say but let me end it here.

A word is enough for the wise.

Cheers.

LandMann:
Your issue is foundational.

There's a role designed for a man and there's a role designed for a woman in marriage.

Once you reverse those roles for any reason, conflict is bound to occur.

Your God ordained role as a wife in your marriage is not to be a breadwinner, decision maker or captain of your marriage ship.

You are ordained to be a home maker, life nurturer and pillar of support in a marriage.

While your husband is ordained to be a provider, decision maker and head of the marriage.

But alas, you and your husband have reversed some of the natural roles you're supposed to play and this is the foundation of the conflict.

My advice to you is to find a way to manage and live in harmony with your husband without hatred and bitterness.

You already made the choice to marry him knowing fully well you earn more than him. This is a mistake and you just have to live with it as kids are already involved.

You'll need to make sacrifices to be more present in your home and in the life of your kids cos that's your natural role.

You're supposed to nurture and take care of the home.

You chasing money and feeling you can pay someone to do your job of taking care of the home and supporting your kids in their learning will never be agreeable to a "family oriented man" who feels it's your responsibility as a wife and part of the family.

Maybe you need to cut back a little on the time and energy consuming hustles to face your family responsibilities.

You can chase all the money in the world and use it to get things done in your home but it'll never replace your own presence and touch.

You never thought of the problems and temptations that will come with you hiring other ladies to help you run your home (cleaning and teaching the kids) while you are out chasing money that can't buy life or happiness.

You should sit down with your husband and have a honest heart to heart talk with him about the future and what both of you can do to make your relationship better.

I want you to know that your work life is what is affecting your family life. You're giving more of your time and energy to your work life than to your family life. This is what is causing the friction in your home because your time and energy is limited and has an opportunity cost.

This should be at the back of your mind in your conversation with your husband.

You personally have to think it out first and reach a decision; can I cut back my time and energy on my hustle which will reduce my income, so I can focus more on my family? If you answer yes, then you can start doing the things your husband asked (keeping the home clean and teaching the kids) and with time your husband will notice the change and appreciate you more.

If you answer no then sorry, your relationship is headed for the rocks.

Just be wise and consider your children in your decision.

If you die, you won't carry those money to heaven or hell.

Prioritise peace and happiness in your home over all else cos in the end that's what matters most.

There's a lot to say but let me end it here.

A word is enough for the wise.

Cheers.

What kinda Peeps abi na creeps Igo call am,,, do we have on this forum sef....

Na wa ooooo

Nairaland is very toxic. I can't believe fellow men read this and they are all blaming you? It is shameful and unacceptable.

Your husband is a manipulator and it is high time you considered yourself first. I am just reunited with my wife after one year, I was always saying my kids this my kids that until it got to a point where my work was being affected and the children started to manage and adapt to lifestyles I didn't want for them. I had to leave and it was the best decision ever.

I feel your pain, if you are saying the truth, and I feel your pain even more seeing how people ( the first few comments were so judgmental it is disgusting ) people's comment. Consider yourself first. The only way you can care for those kids is when you are alive and in good physical and mental health.

capnies:
LET US HEAR THE MANS SIDE OF THE STORY. TO ME YOU'RE GUILTY

YOU CAN'T INSULT A MAN YOUR LIVING WITH, THAT'S CAPITAL SIN TO MEN

If what the OP wrote is true then he deserves the insults. You can't neglect the role that makes you the head of the family and then expect submission.

I am a man with 8+ years marriage experience. Men like the OP's husband ( if she is saying the truth ) deserves no respect. There is a borderline to everything. You can't keep pushing people and expect angelic behaviour.

Please find it unacceptable but for me, when a woman says a man beats her I first ask what led to it, and same when a man complains of abuses from his wife.

The moment you neglect your roles and then even become toxic you deserve whatever comes your way.

Neptunium:
Divorce. The man does not like you let alone loves you. You're married to a demon. Three years ago he locked you out - of a house you rented o, three years later same issue on top of other issues. Marriage is not a do or die affair. You can't keep punishing yourself that you'll stay for the kids over a man who hates you. You're actually doing them more harm than good. And for your family including brother to not like him speaks volume. Imagine him insulting you parents and siblings, picking up his phone to insult your mother. What a fagg0t. Good thing no joint account with him. Leave for your peace of mind and health. You can make visitation arrangements for him to see the kids. You're doing them more harm than good staying in this awful marriage.

I don't support divorce but your comment is the most sensible so far. That man doesn't love her ( if she is saying the truth ). You are a man, leaving your manly duties to a woman and still manipulating her. The op needs to temporarily leave at the very least. The children she claims she is protecting will be better off without such a toxic man.

Esthered:
Make me understand a good father and a non loving spouse in one person.

Exactly my thought when I read that part.

Mille:
This is my own honest advice from my experience in marriage and the marriages of people around us.

First, Financial arrangements of a family are unique to that family. There shouldn't be any basis for comparison with others. Most probably, what you started with is most likely what your partner will expect to continue.

I understand that you acknowledged you can be verbally abusive. Please try as much as possible to control your tongue. Unless you both have agreed to go separate ways, hurtful words spoken will remain. I hate when spousal arguments turn physical, so make arrangements to go outside when he starts dragging you even if it's inside the compound until the matter subsides.

Parental and family abuse is where I draw the line. Personally, I wouldn't be with anyone who is disrespectful or abusive towards my family. It denotes a disrespectful and impulsive individual. That's not someone I want to be a partner with. I don't know the unpalatable words you say though, maybe you abuse his family too. In that case, it would be hard to advise. But does he actually picks up the phone and call your mother to actually abuse her on the phone? If so, unbelievable.

Why is your brother saying that to your husband? Your brother's advise should have been to you and not him. I believe he said that due to what you have told your family about him. When you report your spouse to your family, you might forgive and forget, but your family wouldn't.

Finance is what causes majority of the arguments in marriage. Have a talk on the current realities and have him talk about what he wants to do financially. You can find someone he respects to have him talk to him if you cannot reach an agreement on your own. But like I said, you already started on the wrong foot by showing you were capable. I'll be surprised if there is a way out for you.

About the phone call harassment in the office, put your phone on airplane mode or disable the sim. No calls, no problem. But I wonder how long you'll be able to keep up with it.

Maybe it's due to my own upbringing, but I believe your mum's mantra is a little bit wrong.
It should only be followed if there is a major factor that causes a change in circumstances, if not, it will encourage irresponsibility and laziness in men. Like for example, I take care of 100% in my household. The only month in my marriage that my wife took care of like half of the bills due to medical reasons, I noticed how complacent I was. Have his family speak to him again, get financial commitments and make sure you don't bail him out, except he lost his job, a major expense or health reasons. You must also show strength in your resolve. For example, if he says he will pay the children school fees, have the children sit at home with him on the first day of resumption if the fees have not been paid by then. I hope you have neighbors who will ask him why his children have not resumed yet.

I do not understand this husband locking wives out of a thing. I never saw something like this growing up but I can't believe how common it is since I became an adult. It shows a lack of care about the safety of your spouse. This is why I strongly dislike impulsive people. If anything were to happen to you out in the cold, does he know he will take the blame for it. If such were to happen to my daughter, I'm certain it will be the last time it ever happens.

I wish I can meet you. May the GOOD LORD bless you. As a man,I am so proud of this write up of yours. GOD bless you real GOOD.

Ex0rrcist:
You can put up with it till your kids are old enough for university, and leave him then if you so much think you can't raise them on your own.

What if she dies before then? If what she narrated here is not friction then best bet is for her to separate from him until he matures.

Mariangeles:
When you finally come to the point in that situation where nothing and no one is worth your peace, you will know what to do.

You could not have said it any better.

Nothing kills like a toxic environment.Slowly but surely your health is going down.

I don't even understand how someone can be called a great father when he puts a strain in the heart of the woman who birthed those children.Great father my foot.

jify:
I need matured advice. (Long read)

My husband has become like a thorn in my flesh.

When we got married, we were sharing responsibilities and financial contribution like 60:40; I take the bulk because I earn more. The goal was that I would support until it gets to a point where he was earning more to take up more responsibility. I don’t complain about money, if I asks and he says he doesn’t have, I don’t ask again. Over time, I don’t ask, he just uses his initiative to drop whatever he has. Whether its N60k or 90k per 3 months as income increases, I don’t bother.

He gives me issues on money problem, he wants us to save jointly, I refused. The reason for this is because in the course of this marriage journey, we have both really hurt each other. I am not the type that talks too much, but when he gets me angry, I would vomit words that is unpalatable as a result of piled up anger. When he starts with his arguments, most times I go silent. But he starts poking me to talk. In some cases, I tell him that if I open my mouth to talk, he would not like what would come out of it, but then he starts dragging me on the cloth, leg or anywhere he can grab me saying I must say what is on my mind, just so I would respond. Sometimes he starts to insult my parents, siblings, etc.

He looks for every reason to quarrel. If I tell him that I am very tired and not in the mood for sex, the next day, he would wait till 6.25am and tell me that henceforth I have to start prepping the children for school, I leave for work by 6.30am. Meanwhile I have been up since 4am, cooking and arranging the children’s things. My kids stay for afterschool and so I have to cook what they would eat till evening. Then later in the evening, he would tell me he wants sex. Truth be told and I think he also knows that sex is more of a moral obligation for me, so that he won’t have something to accuse me of. During sex, I remember all the hurtful words and messages he has sent to me while in the office, and I just can’t wait for it to end.

In May this year, he told me that because my brother told him 3 years ago, that he doesn’t know why I am still with him, that I should have left as I can take care of myself and don’t need him, therefore he would no longer contribute money for food. I said nothing. Since that time I have been taking care of feeding. Before now I do part feeding, children’s school, children’s lesson, children transport to school, cleaner, hospital bills, etc. He takes care of rent and electricity. At some point, I was doing electricity and lawma but I had to stylishly push that to him.

I don’t have a problem if we share these things with mutual agreement, but each time we have an argument, he reneges and uses the kids to start punishing me, putting my job in jeopardy, insulting my parents as much as picking up the phone to insult my mother just to make me react, locks me outside when I tell him that the decision he took on something has caused an issue. These days I don’t express my feelings about anything, whether I like it or not, because if I say I am not happy with how things are, I would most likely get a call in the office and if I don’t respond because I know it is to harass me and mess up with my mental state, when I get back from work, the doors would be locked since he comes before me.

I have begged to hire a nanny (I would pay for it and he knows that); all I need was approval, but it has been denied. I begged for 3 years to have someone come in to clean the house on weekends. He is the one doing it but the complaint was too much. Eventually he agreed to have someone come in on weekends, but if we have disagreements (not quarrel o), he would stop the person from coming, so that I would do it myself.

My family don’t like him, I have been told several times to leave him. But he is an amazing father, my children adore their dad and love him. Leaving him would also affect them, but my mental state is in tatters.

I am a very private person but since I married him, he has reported me to every pastor I know, and when I am asked and I lay my own side of the story, he quarrels with the pastors for not taking sides with him and we have to change church. I have told him that if he reports me to anyone, I won’t honour it because it’s become one too many. Are we the only ones who cannot seem to manage our problems? And I am done hopping from one church to the other.

His family members have waded in, and he gives me like one month and we are back to square one. I am tired and frustrated. I told him all I wanted from him was peace of mind. My mother’s mantra raising us was if your husband does not do it, then you do it. Don’t wait for any man to do anything for you. As girls, we were not raised to be dependent. My mother hates it. So we don’t usually ask husbands for money, we expect that husbands would do what is right and if they don’t, we take it up and do it.

So I don’t wait for him to do anything, I do it or provide the money to do it, and I have told him I won’t enter into a joint savings with him where he has the full control. This year alone, I have been locked out of the house up to 6 times, if I save money with him, it means when he locks the door, I would be stranded.

Please how do I navigate this? When he locked me out of the house 3 years ago, I had to rent a place to stay. Mind you, the house we live in now, was the house I rented when I left because it was far better than our previous accommodation. For almost one year I was away with the children, he didn’t pay them any visits, didn’t ask to see them, occasionally he calls to talk to them, but he didn’t see them, and my kids were broken. They need that stability and I am so afraid of denying them that fatherly love (maybe because I lacked it in my childhood and it affected me badly). The only thing holding me here is my children. But God knows I am tired, frustrated, bitterness is growing in me at a rapid rate.

I didn't bother to read to the end. Please leave that man. He's a monster. I believe you because I've experienced exactly the same things you described here. He is never going to change and he will continually justify mistreating you. He will never apologise or take responsibility or accountability for how his actions have affected you. You know how I know? I know this because they are all the same. He's a narcissist. Leave because if you stay, you'll forever regret it

I didn't proofread.

Your mom raised you with rules of life formed from her own experience. You picked the wrong lessons from your childhood experience. You are in a confused state, you don't want a repeat of your mom's situation but you import her technique into your own marriage.

Your first mistake: You did not seat to map out what you want in your marriage, seek a partner who wants the same and how to run your home. You are not the first neither will you be the last, we all are a product of our parents actions and decisions. It takes deliberate intention to flush out some things we have picked up and remodel our thinking to want we want.

My advice, take a mental break from all of this.Rest Don't see the problem, see what you have and want to save. You have you, save you. Then ask yourself what you really want.

When you are done evaluating yourself then see your problem ( your husband ) The obstacle to what you want. Why does he behave that way? What does he want? You can talk to him but not in a vulnerable place where emotions can set in.

Come to a break even. Can your situation be salvaged? What has to change? Can you change? Can he change? Do you need to do away with your upbringing about finance and allow him be the Man? Does he feel emasculated because Here's the truth, The average Nigerian man's ability to provide and care for you is very important to him. It goes way beyond ego and closely related to his identity. If you take it away from him it's like giving him reasons to question his existence and superiority. That's why he uses other things he has power over to curb you. An independent woman with a traditional man is made for disaster. Are you ready to be more dependent?

Accept your solution . Whatever your conclusions are please accept them. Two can not work except they agree. If you two can come up with solutions to make your marriage work, it's wonderful. If not, then you have to accept it too. Your kids will be fine. It's best for them to grow in a lovely home with or without the two parents present than to live in a chaotic one with both kids present.

Finally, None of this is your fault. Remember that! You were prepared for what is yet to come and sometimes that backfires it takes away the beauty of discovery, learning and growth. In a society like Nigeria, independent women suffer/ get cheated in marriage. Until men are ready to accept the dynamics of role change in non traditional marriage, women please don't ever take up the masculine role.

LandMann:
Your issue is foundational.

There's a role designed for a man and there's a role designed for a woman in marriage.

Once you reverse those roles for any reason, conflict is bound to occur.

Your God ordained role as a wife in your marriage is not to be a breadwinner, decision maker or captain of your marriage ship.

You are ordained to be a home maker, life nurturer and pillar of support in a marriage.

While your husband is ordained to be a provider, decision maker and head of the marriage.

But alas, you and your husband have reversed some of the natural roles you're supposed to play and this is the foundation of the conflict.

My advice to you is to find a way to manage and live in harmony with your husband without hatred and bitterness.

You already made the choice to marry him knowing fully well you earn more than him. This is a mistake and you just have to live with it as kids are already involved.

You'll need to make sacrifices to be more present in your home and in the life of your kids cos that's your natural role.

You're supposed to nurture and take care of the home.

You chasing money and feeling you can pay someone to do your job of taking care of the home and supporting your kids in their learning will never be agreeable to a "family oriented man" who feels it's your responsibility as a wife and part of the family.

Maybe you need to cut back a little on the time and energy consuming hustles to face your family responsibilities.

You can chase all the money in the world and use it to get things done in your home but it'll never replace your own presence and touch.

You never thought of the problems and temptations that will come with you hiring other ladies to help you run your home (cleaning and teaching the kids) while you are out chasing money that can't buy life or happiness.

You should sit down with your husband and have a honest heart to heart talk with him about the future and what both of you can do to make your relationship better.

I want you to know that your work life is what is affecting your family life. You're giving more of your time and energy to your work life than to your family life. This is what is causing the friction in your home because your time and energy is limited and has an opportunity cost.

This should be at the back of your mind in your conversation with your husband.

You personally have to think it out first and reach a decision; can I cut back my time and energy on my hustle which will reduce my income, so I can focus more on my family? If you answer yes, then you can start doing the things your husband asked (keeping the home clean and teaching the kids) and with time your husband will notice the change and appreciate you more.

If you answer no then sorry, your relationship is headed for the rocks.

Just be wise and consider your children in your decision.

If you die, you won't carry those money to heaven or hell.

Prioritise peace and happiness in your home over all else cos in the end that's what matters most.

There's a lot to say but let me end it here.

A word is enough for the wise.

Cheers.

Thank you for your post. I make it a point of duty to only take up things I can do within the confines of my 9-5 job. In 9 hours of work, I get to work like only 4 hours,so I have like 5 hours to do any order thing which I fully utilize.

Why I outsource is cause, first I'm asthmatic, I do little work and I'm already drained. I explained this to him, that a normal woman would do this, but just mopping floors drains my total energy, so that's why I seek to outsource these. When these people come around, I'm always at home. I don't go anywhere weekend except church. I don't even have any friends, visit family like once a month. I'm not allowed to take my kids to any event where my family members are, so I don't attend all events, cos where do I keep them? Secondly, like I said the other things I do are mentally draining and I wake up 4am every single work day, I get back by after 6, so the children are my responsibility till 10pm when I go to bed, so naturally weekends I want to rest. Whenever he is upset with me, he stops the person who I pay to bring them home by 5pm when he is around. I have to go pick them up.

I don't browse or do anything from 6pm that I come back. I stopped watching TV shows to stop anger that was boiling in my mind (he would just come and turn off the TV asking me what kind of show am I watching). It's been 4years that I stopped watching any TV show.

Believe me, I get your point but I had factored all these into my situation.

Chai! You've lost yourself.
You kept giving and giving and giving...but it was never enough. You're drained.
What is left to give? Your life?

Now, it is time for you to take back yourself.
You need to find yourself again.
You need to be happy.

Making yourself available to be abused will not make you a better person.
Saving yourself will not make you a bad person.

You need to be alive at least for your children.

jify:
Thank you for your post. I make it a point of duty to only take up things I can do within the confines of my 9-5 job. In 9 hours of work, I get to work like only 4 hours,so I have like 5 hours to do any order thing which I fully utilize.

Why I outsource is cause, first I'm asthmatic, I do little work and I'm already drained. I explained this to him, that a normal woman would do this, but just mopping floors drains my total energy, so that's why I seek to outsource these. When these people come around, I'm always at home. I don't go anywhere weekend except church. I don't even have any friends, visit family like once a month. I'm not allowed to take my kids to any event where my family members are, so I don't attend all events, cos where do I keep them? Secondly, like I said the other things I do are mentally draining and I wake up 4am every single work day, I get back by after 6, so the children are my responsibility till 10pm when I go to bed, so naturally weekends I want to rest. Whenever he is upset with me, he stops the person who I pay to bring them home by 5pm when he is around. I have to go pick them up.

I don't browse or do anything from 6pm that I come back. I stopped watching TV shows to stop anger that was boiling in my mind (he would just come and turn off the TV asking me what kind of show am I watching). It's been 4years that I stopped watching any TV show.

Believe me, I get your point but I had factored all these into my situation.