₦airaland Forum

BlindAngel:
What about the list and goat they're talking about? Is it compulsory for me to buy whatever they wrote on the list?

No, they're not compulsory.
You can only gift to them voluntarily if you have

angelboy01:
What exactly is holding you down from leaving the marriage? It is the child? Is it what people will say or what exactly? Why are you living in sorrow, sadness and regret everyday. You know what to do to be free it's up to you bro.

My wife has been the one holding me back, she's not ready to let go. I told her that she should at least get some dignity, someone doesn't want you but you're forcing yourself on him. That most women in her shoes would have walkes away without blinking an eye, due to the constant humiliation and disrespect, but still she isn't in anyway ready to let go.

She told me that she's ready for me to return the bride price but we'd still be together, which I plainly rejected.

Free2Fly:
No, they're not compulsory.
You can only gift to them voluntarily if you have

Thank you sir, this just boosted my morale. Thank you.

The toxicity in your marriage keeps increasing. Have you two sought counselling? Is there any bit of likeness and tolerance? If no, why not separate? The words you use on each other are too heavy. Is it a case of poor upbringing?

I fear you might hurt yourselves one day.

BlindAngel:
Exactly what a friend told me this morning.

But they're claiming that it's their culture and traditions and that's how it is. I really wish to know if not donating or giving a dime would affect me spiritually, that's my only fear right now since they said it's their tradition.

Nothing concerns any spiritual power with this stuff.
The man is neither your father nor your brother, and you aren't his killer.
You don't share any blood line with him, and shouldn't allow anyone manipulate or intimidate you into burying him.

BlindAngel:
My wife has been the one holding me back, she's not ready to let go. I told her that she should at least get some dignity, someone doesn't want you but you're forcing yourself on him. That most women in her shoes would have walkes away without blinking an eye, due to the constant humiliation and disrespect, but still she isn't in anyway ready to let go.

She told me that she's ready for me to return the bride price but we'd still be together, which I plainly rejected.

Lol. I don't know what you mean by my wife is holding me down? Are you saying if she wants to drag you into fire you will follow her because she holds the will power over you? Always remember as a man you are the one with the will power and nobody can ever hold you down except yourself.

BlindAngel:
Exactly what a friend told me this morning.

But they're claiming that it's their culture and traditions and that's how it is. I really wish to know if not donating or giving a dime would affect me spiritually, that's my only fear right now since they said it's their tradition.

Wetin concern money with spiritual bla bla bla?

That should be for his biological children, not in-laws if it ever exist.

It's the duty of his children to bury him, not the inlaws. There's no tribe in Nigeria that expects inlaws to bury their parents.

NO TRIBE or ETHNIC group!

Don't let anyone use spiritual whatever to scare or intimidate you.

Are you without a family that you're this naive?

madridguy:
If you know what is good for you just go and apologize to your wife, mother-inlaw and the entire family.

If you know you cannot do their culture, why marry their daughter?

While you were sleeping with their daughter without protection, pouring your seed in her body what result are you expecting?

After that, did they put a gun on your head to pay and bride price and marry her?

I will suggest you don't make unnecessary enemies, just try and calm down and see what you could do.... Life na gently no be everything be gra gra my brother.

Abeg go park one place!

BlindAngel:
Money dey my hand that time, after everything I was left with 130k. And on the morning of the marriage I went and hurried to get extra drinks, because they drank lots of drinks I bought for reception on the day of the traditional marriage. Back to the fact, I was left work just 9k after buying the drinks. If u see frustration and regret after the marriage?? Thank God say I later bounced back.

You gave them the idea you were an ATM.

BlindAngel:
Good evening Nairalanders, few months ago I posted here regarding how my wife forced me into marriage that I wasn't in anyway ready for because she got pregnant. I posted about the regret I'm still battling until date, because the love isn't there from my own end and I'm also not in anyway attracted to her physically. I have told her severally that I want to option out of the marriage and not doing again but until date she has refused to let me go.

Back to the main point, my wife lost her dad this morning. Her deceased dad has two wife's and several concubines that gave birth to lots of children, my wife doesn't know some of her half brothers and sisters.

So I went to their family house this morning to console them. The eldest son of the family (her half brother) told me and another in law that we'd be the one to pay for mortuary expenses and casket, and when the burial is getting closer they'd give us a list of things to buy and we'd both bring one goats each.

To be brutally honest I wasn't mad because of this latest expense, I got furious immediately and right on the spot because of the pressure my wife pressured me into getting married to her, by now I'd have been totally free of these unnecessary expenses. More than 19 of her sisters, both biological and half sisters that has given birth, no single expense was listed for their man that they got pregnant for and has a child for. But I and the other in law that paid dowry are the one going through these unnecessary expenses.

So immediately he told me about everything, I charged at my wife right on the spot, right in front of her mom, her brothers, her sisters and some of her friends that came for condolence visit. I got so furious and started shouting at the top of my voice, I reminded her how she forced me into marriage that I'm not in anyway prepared and ready for, both physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially. (I have been reminding her regarding this almost on a daily basis and whenever we are quarreling.

I reminded her how she threatened me with suicide and our of fear of the unknown I wasted almost 4m in getting married to her. I told her that I'd have been free of these expenses if not for her pressure.

Immediately she burst into tears, and started crying endlessly.

Her mom and sisters started yelling at me and I yelled back at all of them. They told me I met her a Virgin and now she's no longer good for me (truly, the whole family thought that I was the one that took her virginity) My wife and I agreed to keep it a secret, but the constant remainder from her mom and sisters made me let the cat out of the bag, I told them that I didn't met her a Virgin that she has already started having sex when I met her, they didn't believe me but with my tone, I know they'd.

I also made mentioned that I'm not buying any goat or paying for mortuary or taking any list from them. That it's their dad and they should take care of every responsibilities, after all he has uncountable children, why putting some of the expense on me? I walked away, and switched off my phone until now that I'm just putting it on.

I know that I acted wrongly and allowed my anger to get the best part of me. But I was furious because no single bill went to her sister's baby father's, absolutely nothing was listed for them. I got furious because these expenses won't be on me right now if not for her pressuring me into marriage that I want ready for. I was furious because I and the other in law that they billed became the scape goat by doing the right thing by getting married and not leaving theirs daughter In ruins, where as those that got their daughter pregnant without getting married to them were totally free from these unnecessary bills. I'm in so much pains and regret right now.

You need to apologise to your wife if possible in the presence of her family. Do you really know that gravity of what you said. How will she talk in the presence of other siblings with what you reduced her to. Even if you are not doing again, you should not have belittled the mother of your child(ren) like that.

Now to the billing
You should have calmly told them that you wouldn't do it. Without raising your voice..
If I were you I would go back and apologise to save the face of your wife and then tell them about the unacceptable billing.

I also will like to know the name of the state of your wife and if possible the name of her village

My guy, u acted well...

U can't do morethan u should.
If anything happen, none of them go go to your rescue.
Greedy rubbish people

BlindAngel:
Money dey my hand that time, after everything I was left with 130k. And on the morning of the marriage I went and hurried to get extra drinks, because they drank lots of drinks I bought for reception on the day of the traditional marriage. Back to the fact, I was left work just 9k after buying the drinks. If u see frustration and regret after the marriage?? Thank God say I later bounced back.

The family don see you as their “MAGA” aka cash cow. Na you go use your hand deliver yourself. Why you think say them go release you? You don see where yahoo boys release their clients willingly?

pocohantas:
The toxicity in your marriage keeps increasing. Have you two sought counselling? Is there any bit of likeness and tolerance? If no, why not separate? The words you use on each other are too heavy. Is it a case of poor upbringing?

I fear you might hurt yourselves one day.

We quarrel, we fight, she normally holds my shirt and slack and wide my shirt neck which I hates and it's extremely painful to me to my bone marrow, but I don't think it'd be possible for us to hurt ourselves deeply. Only once has she carried knife and threatened to stab me, we were still dating then and haven't married, that day she destroyed my qasa standing fan and nearly broke my TV, since then until date such level of anger and destruction hasn't erupt, until date.

Recently she only holds my shirt and never letting go and challenge me to beat her. Which sometimes I loose myself and sometimes I don't. Recently she told her mom and my mom that I normally beats her, and I asked her if she has ever gotten a swollen eye or bleeding nose that some men normally beats their wife to such extend which I haven't ever gone to such length.

BlindAngel:
As I'm talking to you right now, they are saying all manners of words, that I disrespected them and the they won't pity me with the list they'd give me.

That aside, to be brutally honest with you, I didn't mean to disrespect them, I have tried all manner of ways to walk out of this marriage but I don't see that happening. Maybe this will be the deal breaker, I won't do any of what they mentioned, absolutely none. I believe it'd make them hate me and by God's grace I pray and I'm praying hard for them to talk about returning my bride price to me.

Indeed, you sounded like someone under pressure. I believe as an Adult, no one can force you do what you will not want to do... You feel furious cos you think that your wife took advantage of you with the suicide thingy.

Grow bro... You shouldn't have gotten her preggy in the first place, who were you relegating her with the pregnancy to?

Now is the time to man-up. I believe no one in this life can pressure you unless you allow it.

The inlaws are not a problem at all. As an in-law, it's customary that you support in the burial if you can. So, just settle them what you can support them with and lock up. You are married already - None of them can do you anything again.

For marriage between you and your wife, You need to talk to yourself in clear terms... You feel your wife played you emotional blackmail - this is the issue here. You may be wrong... What if she meant it

Forget the expenses... I bet you, if your heart was in it(wife, baby, marriage), the money no be problem. More money will come. Amen

Remember the story of a lady who quarrelled with her fiancee and jumped off 3rd Mainland bridge... I bet he too called it a bluff.

Whether marriage met you settled or not... You have a baby on the line in it now.

My advice is act responsible ..... in what ever way "responsible" means to you.

Free2Fly:
Nothing concerns any spiritual power with this stuff.
The man is neither your father nor your brother, and you aren't his killer.
You don't share any blood line with him, and shouldn't allow anyone manipulate or intimidate you into burying him.

I intend not going to the family house ever again, maybe until after the burial which is currently scheduled for March.

Imagine my wife elder brother (half brother) telling me that I and the other in law would be the one to buy casket and pay for mortuary bills until the burial. I also forgot to add that he told me that we should bring one carton of Gordon gin each today, for visitors and sympathizers. It's really so painful and pathetic.

angelboy01:
Lol. I don't know what you mean by my wife is holding me down? Are you saying if she wants to drag you into fire you will follow her because she holds the will power over you? Always remember as a man you are the one with the will power and nobody can ever hold you down except yourself.

You really don't know who I'm married to, she's so stubborn and always does what's on her mind. She always reminds me that forever is the deal and no going out of this marriage. I'd have left long ago, since I'm not in anyway happy.

Procashtips:
Wetin concern money with spiritual bla bla bla?

That should be for his biological children, not in-laws if it ever exist.

It's the duty of his children to bury him, not the inlaws. There's no tribe in Nigeria that expects inlaws to bury their parents.

NO TRIBE or ETHNIC group!

Don't let anyone use spiritual whatever to scare or intimidate you.

Are you without a family that you're this naive?

I have a family. Just that I'm the fearful type, small sound dey even dey shock me and my heart wound be racing rapidly, how much more something spiritual. Nevertheless, I fully understand now and know what to do, thank you so much.

Procashtips:
You gave them the idea you were an ATM.

Exactly

pointblank247:
You need to apologise to your wife if possible in the presence of her family. Do you really know that gravity of what you said. How will she talk in the presence of other siblings with what you reduced her to. Even if you are not doing again, you should not have belittled the mother of your child(ren) like that.

Now to the billing
You should have calmly told them that you wouldn't do it. Without raising your voice..
If I were you I would go back and apologise to save the face of your wife and then tell them about the unacceptable billing.

I also will like to know the name of the state of your wife and if possible the name of her village

I won't apologize.

Nevertheless, she's Ilaje by tribe from. "Ikale" local Govt area, (don't know if I got that correctly) ondo state.

ezimo777:
My guy, u acted well...

U can't do morethan u should.
If anything happen, none of them go go to your rescue.
Greedy rubbish people

You hit the nail right on the head, early last year when I was struggling with absolutely nothing. I mean absolutely nothing, I don't even have as little as 1,000 naira as at then, I sold my Gen, my home theater, my dstv pan and decoder. Just to pay house rent, no one looked my side, not even 200 naira to assist me now because I'm doing well, they think that I've a tree that grows money that I'm plucking from.

BlindAngel:
As I'm talking to you right now, they are saying all manners of words, that I disrespected them and the they won't pity me with the list they'd give me.

That aside, to be brutally honest with you, I didn't mean to disrespect them, I have tried all manner of ways to walk out of this marriage but I don't see that happening. Maybe this will be the deal breaker, I won't do any of what they mentioned, absolutely none. I believe it'd make them hate me and by God's grace I pray and I'm praying hard for them to talk about returning my bride price to me.

I support u.. heaven will not fall

I have just read half your post and I really have to force myself not to go ballistic on you.

She forced me into marriage. Did she hold a gun against your head?

She got pregnant even though I wasn’t ready. She impregnated herself? She stole your semen?

I want out but she won’t let me go. Did she lock you up in a cell?

Stop playing the victim card. You brought all of this upon yourself. Nobody forced you to shoot your semen into her.

BlindAngel:
I have a family. Just that I'm the fearful type, small sound dey even dey shock me and my heart wound be racing rapidly, how much more something spiritual. Nevertheless, I fully understand now and know what to do, thank you so much.

Nothing is obliged of you as an in-law (Not even a title you want self)

BlindAngel:
Good evening Nairalanders, few months ago I posted here regarding how my wife forced me into marriage that I wasn't in anyway ready for because she got pregnant. I posted about the regret I'm still battling until date, because the love isn't there from my own end and I'm also not in anyway attracted to her physically. I have told her severally that I want to option out of the marriage and not doing again but until date she has refused to let me go.

Back to the main point, my wife lost her dad this morning. Her deceased dad has two wife's and several concubines that gave birth to lots of children, my wife doesn't know some of her half brothers and sisters.

So I went to their family house this morning to console them. The eldest son of the family (her half brother) told me and another in law that we'd be the one to pay for mortuary expenses and casket, and when the burial is getting closer they'd give us a list of things to buy and we'd both bring one goats each.

To be brutally honest I wasn't mad because of this latest expense, I got furious immediately and right on the spot because of the pressure my wife pressured me into getting married to her, by now I'd have been totally free of these unnecessary expenses. More than 19 of her sisters, both biological and half sisters that has given birth, no single expense was listed for their man that they got pregnant for and has a child for. But I and the other in law that paid dowry are the one going through these unnecessary expenses.

So immediately he told me about everything, I charged at my wife right on the spot, right in front of her mom, her brothers, her sisters and some of her friends that came for condolence visit. I got so furious and started shouting at the top of my voice, I reminded her how she forced me into marriage that I'm not in anyway prepared and ready for, both physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially. (I have been reminding her regarding this almost on a daily basis and whenever we are quarreling.

I reminded her how she threatened me with suicide and our of fear of the unknown I wasted almost 4m in getting married to her. I told her that I'd have been free of these expenses if not for her pressure.

Immediately she burst into tears, and started crying endlessly.

Her mom and sisters started yelling at me and I yelled back at all of them. They told me I met her a Virgin and now she's no longer good for me (truly, the whole family thought that I was the one that took her virginity) My wife and I agreed to keep it a secret, but the constant remainder from her mom and sisters made me let the cat out of the bag, I told them that I didn't met her a Virgin that she has already started having sex when I met her, they didn't believe me but with my tone, I know they'd.

I also made mentioned that I'm not buying any goat or paying for mortuary or taking any list from them. That it's their dad and they should take care of every responsibilities, after all he has uncountable children, why putting some of the expense on me? I walked away, and switched off my phone until now that I'm just putting it on.

I know that I acted wrongly and allowed my anger to get the best part of me. But I was furious because no single bill went to her sister's baby father's, absolutely nothing was listed for them. I got furious because these expenses won't be on me right now if not for her pressuring me into marriage that I want ready for. I was furious because I and the other in law that they billed became the scape goat by doing the right thing by getting married and not leaving theirs daughter In ruins, where as those that got their daughter pregnant without getting married to them were totally free from these unnecessary bills. I'm in so much pains and regret right now.

At times madness solves problems

Not only gentility

Farrason:
Indeed, you sounded like someone under pressure. I believe as an Adult, no one can force you do what you will not want to do... You feel furious cos you think that your wife took advantage of you with the suicide thingy.

Grow bro... You shouldn't have gotten her preggy in the first place, who were you relegating her with the pregnancy to?

Now is the time to man-up. I believe no one in this life can pressure you unless you allow it.

The inlaws are not a problem at all. As an in-law, it's customary that you support in the burial if you can. So, just settle them what you can support them with and lock up. You are married already - None of them can do you anything again.

For marriage between you and your wife, You need to talk to yourself in clear terms... You feel your wife played you emotional blackmail - this is the issue here. You may be wrong... What if she meant it

Forget the expenses... I bet you, if your heart was in it(wife, baby, marriage), the money no be problem. More money will come. Amen

Remember the story of a lady who quarrelled with her fiancee and jumped off 3rd Mainland bridge... I bet he too called it a bluff.

Whether marriage met you settled or not... You have a baby on the line in it now.

My advice is act responsible ..... in what ever way "responsible" means to you.

I don't feel like she played me, she indeed played and manipulated me, by now I'd have been completely single like almost all of my guy's. Living my life to the fullest until I'm fully ready for marriage and it's responsibilities.

That aside, imagine my wife telling me this morning that how much is goat? That I'm complaining about that they're talking about life and I'm complaining about money, if money can buy life etc.

I then responded that goat is almost 100k if I asked her to cough 100k or 50k if she'd be able to bring it. That because I normally gives her money occasionally she doesn't know the value of money and how hard it is to get.

We dated for two years before marriage and in those two years she only worked twice, firstly... In a bet 9ja shop which she worked only one month and stopped, Secondly in another bet 9ja shop, she worked for a month also and stopped, with the excuse that the manager in charge is controlling. Since then until date she hasn't done anything to earn money or knows how hard it is to earn it, I'll give her 13 to 15k for soup and she'd always complain that it isn't enough. She doesn't know how to manage.

Why? Because she doesn't know the value of money or how hard it is to make money in this current economy.

Maeve7:
I have just read half your post and I really have to force myself not to go ballistic on you.

She forced me into marriage. Did she hold a gun against your head?

She got pregnant even though I wasn’t ready. She impregnated herself? She stole your semen?

I want out but she won’t let me go. Did she lock you up in a cell?

Stop playing the victim card. You brought all of this upon yourself. Nobody forced you to shoot your semen into her.

So I'm the first person to get a woman pregnant? Wizkid that impregnated 4 woman how many did he married? Millions of men that did same, how many did they married??

Procashtips:
Nothing is obliged of you as an in-law (Not even a title you want self)

Thank you, I appreciate. This just boosted my morale.

Sharpsharp00123:
At times madness solves problems

Not only gentility

Exactly...

BlindAngel:
So I'm the first person to get a woman pregnant? Wizkid that impregnated 4 woman how many did he married? Millions of men that did same, how many did they married??

And they are living with the consequences but you are whining here. I repeat, you are not a victim. You brought all of this upon yourself by yourself. If you were smarter, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

BlindAngel:
She hasn't seen her dad for more than 10 years and counting, he was In another state, the day of our traditional marriage (February) was when she and her biological sisters saw him last. He was seriously sick, since February until he gave up the ghost today. He was in town ever since they brought him to collect the bride price, seriously sick. Since February until date my wife and her sisters none went to see him, not even once, they claimed he abandoned them when they were young, that whenever they went to visit him he'd lock the protector and talk to them inside while they're standing outside. I repeat since February until date they haven't set their eyes on him despite the fact that he was seriously sick and in same town with them.

That aside whenever my wife is disturbing me and I reminded her that I'm a loner and loves being alone, she'd get furious and always tell me that I'd die a very slow, lonely and painful death. This words still ring a bell on my head, and thinking about how they totally abandoned and hates their dad because their mother hates him is another thing that'd make me take her threat seriously.

Guy which kind family sef you go marry from ..... Naso her puna take sweet ni ..... You for take ur stand say you no go marry ...... I support ur actions bro .... Much amount shouldn't go on burial this trying times .... Who don die sef him no get worries where him dey

R u dumb, cant you walk away? Who are you trying to impress, no matter your effort humans would still say ur bad laslas u better do whats in your heart and be d bad person

I sense this gist is made up, but the truth is still glaring about the state of Black Tax and in-law greed in Nigeria.

This is why every young man should critically research the family he is marrying into (same with ladies).

As for pregnancy, that's not a basis to marry anyone! There is no such law binding a man to wed a woman he impregnated.

You can contribute to the child's upkeep and parenting, but tying yourself to someone you despise because you knocked her up makes no sense whatsoever... Certainly not in this day and age.


Those in-laws need to be put where they belong... E be like say this guy too dey soft. Lol.