₦airaland Forum

your papa count 400k give you, not many ppl are opportuned to have that. a friend i had his father told them his own father only raised them to primary school level and he has send them to secondary school and he cant go above that. note he never stop training you here in nigeria you only wanted more. if you can afford it give him he was your foundation

Did he mostly pay for your undergrad fees? Did he sometimes help out occasionally when you're broke in the US? If the answer is that yes, I think you should give him more. Before judging, did your mom actually spend more money on you or you're judging by how they had? Judging by how much they have is valid but also understand some men are extravagant.

Thank God this story is coming from a man
If it was a lady that brings up such
All the men will attack her.

I keep telling men if you don't do right by your wife and kids old age go laud for you.

No matter how much you lavish on women , friends n alcohol

Always remember home first.
Your children are the tomorrow you can bank on

Don't be deceive.

break the yoke from your side. You wouldn't know the excuse your children will give when in the future refuse to help you. I am not saying you are given excuses now. You have to know that two wrongs can not make a right. He has done his part which is wrong. You do your part which I believe will be right. He will remember all what he has done to you later and apologize. It is not everyone that can manage money. As you have said, he couldn't manage the money he acquired, now he is broke

What if turning you down was the reason why you are alive today? Sometimes you will think people are bad just because they turn you down.

@ amazinghands

All I can say is my Dad did less than your dad did for you.

But I will gladly pour all I have at his feet just for the blessing of a father.


Continue Resting in Peace

D'Anya

I'll tell you from person experience.
If you can afford it, do it for him. You don't want to have any regrets when he died.

ravensckar:
There's something fundamentally wrong with polygamists men; it's their belief that they can eat their cake in their youth and still have it in their old age.

Your dad is a quintessential polygamist who can't give his all to his children but expects the world from them. What a selfish pr1ck!

Do not give him anything more than what you're already giving him, afterall, he too didn't break a sweat for you.

I hate nonsense!

Talking about the same man that sent him to College? You are not being fair here, at least he took care of him as a kid to a degree level. Is that not good enough?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Dad no dey two. If u have give him. Don't pay evil with evil. At least he try give you something. My own no dey ask of me talk more of giving me money

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

Did you hear h say his dad sponsored his education to University level? If his dad mad other decisions which didn't favor him does it mean his dad didn't try for him? Did your father sponsor your education? If no why bring your hate to influence him?

Most of you guys who vilify your dad you will understand what your dad went through when you have your children

You might feel justified not going beyond your current level of assistance to your Dad, trust me, you'll regret not doing more if you could afford to, when he dies, been in your shoe. My advice is, do all you can for him, you'll feel better that way home

What you are doing is enough... but dont stop. Remember his selfish behavior must have added extra inspiration and made you more determine to succeed

All these Nollywood stories. Abeg Getat

Do what you can for him just don’t go above and beyond

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, even though my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Op, I understand how your feel but hear me out. Two wrongs can never make a right. Forgive your father wholeheartedly and balance what you gift to mummy for humanity and forgiveness sake. By doing that, God Will be happy with you and trust me, this is just tip of blessings that will come. Forgive and forget.

I wish you more blessings Baba

Even if your papa abandoned you from your primary school days to Uni , you still are obligated to take care of him when he comes asking and not pay him back in his own coin . God bless you in multiple folds as you do .

If you will be satisfied that your son treats you the way you treat your Dad, then it is okay. You are your only judge.

CaveAdullam:
It takes being exposed to understand situations. Exposure makes you enter different terrains and grasped a lot of knowledge.

It is this that has made me overcome any form of antipathy for my parents - whether good or bad.

Exposure and knowledge will make you build empathy. Because it's only empathy that can can make you not treat someone badly, the way they have treated you.

It is empathy that will make you turn your left cheek when someone slap you on the right cheek.

Strong empathy is rooted in deep knowledge. And it is as a result of not allowing your pains and suffering to becloud you and become vicious.

Those not consumed by their suffering and won't allow themselves to be a conduit or tool in the hand of the devil in seeking for revenge are God's people (this is not about religion. Hope the reader will understand).

Our parents acted based on their limited scope of knowledge. They acted the way they deem fit and thought that their actions whether good or bad won't be detrimental to their well-being and family. They acted based on ignorance.

There are still some decisions my parents will advise me to take. I don't. Because I know they are talking from a standpoint of the 20th century. It doesn't mean that everything they say is foolish. But as a more exposed individual I have to weigh their suggestions in the light of the 21st century.

Hanlon's Razor: don't attribute to malice what's as a result of stupidity.

Please, man, forgive your father and have full peace. At least, you are at a point where you can take good care of yourself and family. If not for anything, but for the little good things he has done for you as a child.

He is your father. You can't change that fact.

Tell your father, how he failed you and his nuclear family. Pour your heart outside. Let him know your height of disappointment in him. Perhaps, he may be remorseful and ask for forgiveness.

However, whatever you know you can do for him that won't bring you problem, regrets, and setbacks, do it.

Buy him a car if you can. Give him allowances if you can.

You are already far from him. So irregardless of his actions, it can't get to you. Even though he decides to persists in his ways.

This is not to guilt trip you. You can do as it pleases you. No big deal. Your attitude toward him is reasonable.

But you are doing it because you are now wiser and bigger than your father.

Don't allow 1 error to erase 99 good.

Thanks.

Kindly take this advise!

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

An unbiased and intelligent comment!
OP I recommend this for U;

@OP, forgive and forget. While your dad may not have given you his maximum he still did his part. Some people's dads were deadbeats!

Help take care of his needs if financially buoyant, just don't fund his excesses! You got only one life, don't live it abhorring hatred for your old man.

Something must be wrong with you for saying that to your dad,I don't want to know what your dad did to you, but he is still your dad nothing can change that
You better have a rethink and be good to your dad, remember there's tomorrow

mrvitalis:
So you can't remember one good he did for you.. Not even one?

Not one

He paid for your first degree and other education before then

I live in the US so I know you can afford a car for him

He also gave you nearly $2k (400k naira in 2016) dollars when you were travelling. You’re only concentrating on what he did wrong in the later part of his life, what about all the things he did right in the earlier parts and even the relectant things he did in the latter?

Be balanced

You go know how the shoe be when you wear am

idahme:
Did you hear h say his dad sponsored his education to University level? If his dad mad other decisions which didn't favor him does it mean his dad didn't try for him? Did your father sponsor your education? If no why bring your hate to influence him?

Most of you guys who vilify your dad you will understand what your dad went through when you have your children

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

He was wrong.However, each day that passes brings him closer to leaving this world. If you CAN AFFORD it, make life better for him. If you don’t, it’s still okay as long as, when you get older and wiser,you will never wish you did.

I don't know why most fathers do Bleep up....I think women(mothers) believe in the future of their children than all these fathers.
You always find this kind of story everywhere....my father too did just like this.
You get luck that your mother is still alive.

Just do for him according to your mind, bro.
May God forgive us if there's any misconduct towards our fathers' past did.


God help and enabling me to do for my children as I want.

May God help all true fathers and mothers of the world.

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

How do you expect to prosper when u despice ur father like this... Shebi u be man, u will understand soon

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Don’t listen to all dis bastard with multiple personalities to tell you to abandon yur dad or limit what u give him
He yur father u can never change d past if he wasn’t cured to u ) u for no go far in life like dis believe me
He has made his mistakes u should learn from him and be a better son and father to yur children
Remember yur kids are watching yur action towards yur dad belief me

Bro, if you can afford it please do it. The man in question is your father and here you acknowledged that he paid your college fees and also gave you 400k as support during your relocation, though it wasn’t enough but it’s something.
Note: He’s your father and you don’t have any other father.
Thanks

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

I would I advise you expunge any bitterness you might have against your father from your heart. I must commend you for sending him something monthly I will also encourage you to keep doing that. Having said that I would not advice you buying the car him asked for except it is for commercial use because in Nigeria of today a lot of car owners have parked their cars and are now using public transport due to high cost of fuel so you buying him a car means that maintaining the car will still be your responsibility since he is not financially stable now you can increase his monthly allowance if you can because of the high inflation in Nigeria now.
Above all your father had lived his life don't let him pull you down or stagnate you given the fact that he and your mother are no longer together so use your head.

So you want make your papa Dey jump bus for old age when you can afford it?