₦airaland Forum

ThaThinka:
Thanks. But this person you're addressing isn't a kid but a somewhat "early" millennial. I believe I am old enough to make my own decisions.

By the way, how can you make the assumptions that he did all those things you wrote? You cannot know better than the person wearing the shoes!

MVP my foot! I am a man myself. But I don't subscribe to sweeping irresponsibility under the carpet under the guise of a person being this or that. That's how some were trying to win our support for the president because he's a fellow Yoruba man back then. I don't entertain such sentiments.

The truth about relationships with one's children is that they are best built when they are still young. How do you build a non-existent relationship when the child is an adult and expect it to be strong? That's even such fathers even care to attempt to build one.

In my own case, I believe I have forgiven him because we still talk occasionally. I don't have any need for such conversations at all otherwise.

Parents (and people generally) who were irresponsible shouldn't feel entitled. Imagine a child that was left to fend for him/herself or die now makes it and you say he's indebted to those who left him to die because they're his parents? Yeah, right!

ThaThinka:
He also wrote that he sends his dad monthly allowances. Do you think he'd do that if he hadn't forgiven him?

Blitzking:
You are not wrong...he doesn't deserve it..let him hustle to take care of his new fine..he wasn't willing to go above and beyond for you but focused on himself.

One thing I have seen in this life which I hate is a family where one of the sibling get pregnant for a nonentity and wants struggling sibling who are laser focused on fighting poverty start placing request on siblings or a father who lived a reckless life and when health challenges arise start stressing his children who are trying to get a firm footing in life.

FuckTheMod:
@ amazinghands
Most of you don't think and reason beyond your noses. You only realise how stupid and ingrate you are to your father when you lose him and becomes a father too.
In many situations, even when you know your mother is not respecting and treating your father well in the first place, he becomes your enemy the moment he takes a second wife.
How dare you say someone who feeds you, clothes you, pays rents and bills because of you, pays your fees to university level, AND EVEN GAVE YOU A WHOLE ₦400K FAR BACK LIKE 10 YEARS AGO, did not do much or go beyond or high for you?
What an ingrate!

amazinghands:
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Just to provide more context: I have only one sibling, and I am of the opinion that he should be able to do more, given how flamboyant he has been with his spending. The main reason I believe he asked for the car is that my mum recently celebrated a lavish birthday (and he likely suspects I was the one who funded it).

When he asked me for the car, I arranged a meeting with him and my brother to discuss his finances (specifically how he manages and collects rent from his properties). Based on what I knew about his financial situation before I left Nigeria, I honestly don’t believe he’s in a bad position. However, he couldn’t give me a clear answer during the conversation and ended up breaking down in tears.

The real issue is that I can only afford to buy one car, and that will undoubtedly go to my mum. I am aware that this decision will likely further strain our relationship.

GloriousGbola:
by the same argument - all he should do is provide the basics. a car is way above the basics

the issue the guy is raising is when the dad was making money and hammering - the children were not a priority. dad is spending money on side chick but telling son no money for birthday. dad is buying new whip and telling pikin to manage old shoes. ironically if the dad had always been struggling, it would likely be the same outcome - the poster would be successful, but he would have no resentment towards him. times were good but sorry son - this dough is for me and chiquita. when you are a man you will understand.

the dad decided that he would do the bare minimum when he had the means to do so much more. the message was clear - busting a nut in some hoochie sidechick was more important to the dad in his prime that a happy child. children are not stupid and they can tell how important they are to you.

my children know that they are my priority and the little rascals even take me for granted because of that . that is one of the most important things you can do for your children - and it is your actions that will show this. if money suddenly comes in and daddy disappears on a binge with a prostitute - i8t says clearly what daddy's priorities are.

the op has progressed not because of his dad, but in spite of his dad.

this is my opinion

Beremx:
I am Beremx sired by a stupid useless father and an harlot of a mother......Now I know why am a very useless and unfortunate child

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

Valid points and great perspectives here, OP this is a balance advise, if you can afford it please do it

FuckTheMod:
@ amazinghands
Most of you don't think and reason beyond your noses. You only realise how stupid and ingrate you are to your father when you lose him and becomes a father too.
In many situations, even when you know your mother is not respecting and treating your father well in the first place, he becomes your enemy the moment he takes a second wife.
How dare you say someone who feeds you, clothes you, pays rents and bills because of you, pays your fees to university level, AND EVEN GAVE YOU A WHOLE ₦400K FAR BACK LIKE 10 YEARS AGO, did not do much or go beyond or high for you?
It's even possible that the piece of land and the jewelries your mother sold to support you were given to him directly or indirectly by your father.
What an ingrate!

Klass99:
I find it interesting that most of the commenters above me are men with similar daddy issues. As in, sons and fathers not getting along well, sons treating their mothers better and not wanting to help their fathers.

The same men will open their mouths waaa tomorrow to say marriage does not benefit men, men get neglected in old age, only women/mothers are looked after and only they get to travel, blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile sons are the ones neglecting fathers and actively participating in this narrative they push out about men being neglected and marriage not benefiting men. Men doing men!

They talk from both sides of their mouths or should I say all sides of their mouths, never taking a stance and always being all over the place. Today it is ABC, tomorrow it is XYZ, next tomorrow it is KLM and they say they are logical.

Blitzking:
Why marry a 2nd wife...without adequate plans for such pikin wey neva settle him life you wan use load kill am..if he didn't get a 2nd wife that kind pressure for old age for no dey there..person neva settle him own life u want make he dey send upkeep money for him new family. Wonder who gave the black man that stupid mentality to depend on their children in old age...old age is not a disability.

Vicas2000:
As an early millennial, my post should not really emotionally trigger you this much.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour and what you decide to do.

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

Karleb:
Sponsoring to university level is the basic. What was the father supposed to do, not sponsor his child to university level? Please, let's stop celebrating mediocrity.

If you are from an average home, you'd know that to be great, your parent have to sacrifice more especially when you have the potential.

Nobody forced any person to have kids. If you can't take care and sacrifice for your kid, why have them?

When I have my kids, after myself, they will be my greatest investments.

Esthered:
I hope men will learn from this story for the sake of their old age.

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

chris51:
You are not wrong my dear.
He is lying on his bed as he laid it. Good you are even sending him money. Continue to do so but not a kobo more.

Let him be enjoying his second wife. Your mother is not there so why should you bother yourself

Tizu:
This life na turn by turn.
You reap what you sow.
Sooner or later your children will treat you same way even amplified x3

Basiljoe:
Please get that car for your father and increase his allowance. As his retirement gift.

Men make numerous sacrifices for their family which go unappreciated.

He trained you from birth to college. Although he's not perfect but he deserves it. Thanks.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?