₦airaland Forum

I feel so terrible and I need help. I married with a V-Card we’ve known each other for a long time and we have 2kids now my husband is not excited to be intimate with me anymore and when I expressed my concerns if it was my fault he said I should learn by watching R-rated videos. I’ve tried but we don’t even get to try often for me to practice. He said I should make efforts instead of complaining which really hurts (me expressing my fears was the complaining)
I’m confused I’ve watched the videos as I’m used to watching them but I don’t really feel I get much from it.
How do girls become so good at it are they thought by the men or they learn from the videos too?

Aunty Lietrix, find another Lie to Lie, no use this one.

Men these whorrs are desperate!

Kamasutra to the rescue and just following your instinct. It's a video that doesn't just show the deed,it explains each of the steps.

By the way, your incompetence is actually reflective of your partner's incompetence too.

And don't forget to take care of yourself. You can't be spotting a folded big belly and expect someone that sees you everyday to find you sexxy. You need to keep up the good looks. It is well. Epele

sisisioge:
Kamasutra to the rescue and just following your instinct. It's a video that doesn't just show the deed,it explains each of the steps.

By the way, your incompetence is actually reflective of your partner's incompetence too.

And don't forget to take care of yourself. You can't be spotting a folded big belly and expect someone that sees you everyday to find you sexxy. You need to keep up the good looks. It is well. Epele

Thanks for your feedback.
I have actually tried to read the book 3years back. Cutting weight hasn’t been easy I was able to loose during my first 73kg I’m 5’7 so it was slim for my structure then but now I’m almost 80 and it’s been yo-yoing. On the outside I think people would think me sexy and very sexually active(because of the way I’ve always dressed) if they only knew.
I might check YouTube again but I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check

You can take some Black buIIet and then learn to tighten your pussy during summer sexxxxxx

Seems like you got married to a sex freak... Was he also a virgin when you guys got married?

Spectrix:
Thanks for your feedback.
I have actually tried to read the book 3years back. Cutting weight hasn’t been easy I was able to loose during my first 73kg I’m 5’7 so it was slim for my structure then but now I’m almost 80 and it’s been yo-yoing. On the outside I think people would think me sexy and very sexually active(because of the way I’ve always dressed) if they only knew.
I might check YouTube again but I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check

It is well my sister....the oga sef get more responsibility inside this matter.

You may also look into changing your house weats into all those matching shorts and tanks for pull effect. No too over stress yourself.

sisisioge:
It is well my sister....the oga sef get more responsibility inside this matter.

You may also look into changing your house weats into all those matching shorts and tanks for pull effect. No too over stress yourself.

Ok I didn’t think of this I’ll try this too Godbless you

Samantha125:
Seems like you got married to a sex freak... Was he also a virgin when you guys got married?

Truth is we dated for a very long time without sex and haven gotten married we got used to it but now it’s worse it’s been months now and even me I’m raising eyebrows.
Yes when he was younger he was always on my case but I think it was fueled because he knew I won’t give in.
Now I’ve had sex it feels like a chore I don’t really understand what the big deal is.
I’ve never turned him down though but he seems to asking for it less and it scares me we’re already busy with the kids and work any more distancing we’d be cohabiting strangers.

RealityKings1:
You can take some Black buIIet and then learn to tighten your pussy during summer sexxxxxx

I take two on empty stomach before black bullet gets to me plus last kid is yet to be weaned. No be say I never drink in between sha but I feel he’d smell the drink and hassle me

Spectrix:
➜I feel so terrible and I need help. I married with a V-Card we’ve known each other for a long time and we have 2kids now my husband is not excited to be intimate with me anymore and when I expressed my concerns if it was my fault he said I should learn by watching R-rated videos. I’ve tried but we don’t even get to try often for me to practice. He said I should make efforts instead of complaining which really hurts (me expressing my fears was the complaining)
➜I’m confused I’ve watched the videos as I’m used to watching them but I don’t really feel I get much from it. How do girls become so good at it are they thought by the men or they learn from the videos too?

What do you do for a living? How do you spend your day and time?

2. Have you tried investing in building your self-esteem and reading books instead?

Spectrix:
➜Thanks for your feedback. I have actually tried to read the book 3years back. Cutting weight hasn’t been easy I was able to loose during my first 73kg I’m 5’7 so it was slim for my structure then but now I’m almost 80 and it’s been yo-yoing. On the outside I think people would think me sexy and very sexually active(because of the way I’ve always dressed) if they only knew.
I might check YouTube again but I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check

Work on your emotional and social intelligence then. Spending a lot of time watching and learning from the children's show "Bluey" can help you with that exercise.

Another thing is your self-confidence. Sex is a lot more about self-confidence than it is about technique. But more importantly, it seems you have too much time which leads me to wonder if boredom could be the major issue here.

Kobojunkie:
Work on your emotional and social intelligence then. Spending a lot of time watching and learning from the children's show "Bluey" can help you with that exercise.

Another thing is your self-confidence. Sex is a lot more about self-confidence than it is about technique. But more importantly, it seems you have too much time which leads me to wonder if boredom could be the major issue here.

Lols Bluey is actually my fave children show no "porn" intended
Anywhere I work remotely full time and I have kids so definitely not enough time

Kobojunkie:
What do you do for a living? How do you spend your day and time?

2. Have you tried investing in building your self-esteem and reading books instead?

I'm a Techie and work remotely
Hmmmn topic for another day

Spectrix:
I'm a Techie and work remotely
Hmmmn topic for another day

Not active here hence my late reply sorry

Spectrix:
➜I'm a Techie and work remotely. Hmmmn topic for another day

As a techie, are you telling me that while working from your remote location, you are unable to maybe listen to a book to help grow your mind as you work or something along those lines?

Spectrix:
➜Lols Bluey is actually my fave children show no "porn" intended. Anywhere I work remotely full time and I have kids so definitely not enough time

. Bluey is, in fact, good for the mind as it is a great tool for helping kids and adults alike build social and emotional intelligence, which are both what I sense you need more of.

Sex/intimacy skills are not learned. It is those who wish to work in the sex industry who supposedly need to get training, as they are meant to go above and beyond to meet the needs of their clients. Also, those who are sold into sexual slavery are trained in the art since their indicators are usually seriously low on the emotional and social meters due to their situation(slavery). -\

From your OP, it sounds a lot like you may not be as comfortable with your sexuality as one would expect you should be after two kids, assuming you have all this while been in a relationship that you are happy and fulfilled in. Since that does not seem to be the case, your focus should be on your self-esteem and self-confidence before anything else.

communication is key in r/ships


if you can't communicate to your partner what you wants and desires, you're ngmi


it's not matter of watching nasty Stoopid shit



you and your man need to go for marriage counseling

Spectrix:
I'm a Techie and work remotely
Hmmmn topic for another day

keep telling yourself these lies

Kobojunkie:
. Bluey is, in fact, good for the mind as it is a great tool for helping kids and adults alike build social and emotional intelligence, which are both what I sense you need more of.

Sex/intimacy skills are not learned. It is those who wish to work in the sex industry who supposedly need to get training, as they are meant to go above and beyond to meet the needs of their clients. Also, those who are sold into sexual slavery are trained in the art since their indicators are usually seriously low on the emotional and social meters due to their situation(slavery). -\

From your OP, it sounds a lot like you may not be as comfortable with your sexuality as one would expect you should be after two kids, assuming you have all this while been in a relationship that you are happy and fulfilled in. Since that does not seem to be the case, your focus should be on your self-esteem and self-confidence before anything else.

Having a husband has a way of making one self conscious especially when you’re dedicated to trying to make it work.
I could browse on the books that I would some how fetch self esteem or confidence but pardon my skepticism.
I appreciate you taking out your time to help though and even if I might feel defensive about some of it there’s truth. I’ll try harder.
I don’t remember what I posted earlier but if I’m being honest my husband told me plainly. I’ve only ever had sex with him and it doesn’t help that I stayed in Abuja and he was down south. I’ve been a little frigid but I’ve always enjoyed the idea of sex and looked forward to lots of it when I got married but now I’m always initiating it I’ve never rejected him before and even though he has health reasons as excuse I also think it’s because I’m not great at it. So I told him that and he told me plainly that instead of complaining I should learn and I was trying to use the sex worker argument and he just went cold like I was being defensive. So coming here is my other attempt knowing how self conscious and emotional I am it’s a lot.

Sorry I’m pouring on you now lols but I’ll just stop here.

Kaczynski:
communication is key in r/ships


if you can't communicate to your partner what you wants and desires, you're ngmi


it's not matter of watching nasty Stoopid shit



you and your man need to go for marriage counseling

Lols all the things I knew, trust me I thought I knew but reality knocked me. He doesn’t believe in seeing anyone outside the marriage and I can’t force him to I wouldn’t be able to complain to any other person so he doesn’t feel disrespected.
Our communication is for sheets because we just go in cycles. He sees me trying to gain his empathy and understand my pov as me being manipulative and I feel attacked whenever he tries to explain his pov. So I just resort to apologizing and the cycle just repeats again.
I’ve tried suggesting texting when we are in the heat of it but when we are in the heat of it he’s like Bleep everything.
I’m starting to accept he doesn’t like me as much as I thought he did or maybe he’s bored given that we dated for almost a decade.

All of this just makes me feel pathetic. Not made for this. It feels like some men are more difficult than they make out to be.

Spectrix:
➜Having a husband has a way of making one self conscious especially when you’re dedicated to trying to make it work.
➜ I could browse on the books that I would some how fetch self esteem or confidence but pardon my skepticism. I appreciate you taking out your time to help though and even if I might feel defensive about some of it there’s truth. I’ll try harder.
➜ I don’t remember what I posted earlier but if I’m being honest my husband told me plainly. [b]I’ve only ever had sex with him and it doesn’t help that I stayed in Abuja and he was down south. I’ve been a little frigid but I’ve always enjoyed the idea of sex and looked forward to lots of it when I got married
➜ but now I’m always initiating it I’ve never rejected him before and even though he has health reasons as excuse I also think it’s because I’m not great at it. So I told him that and he told me plainly that instead of complaining I should learn and I was trying to use the sex worker argument and he just went cold like I was being defensive.
➜ So coming here is my other attempt knowing how self conscious and emotional I am it’s a lot. Sorry I’m pouring on you now lols but I’ll just stop here.

1. Maybe it is time to switch your focus entirely from trying to make it work to healing you and making turning you into the best of you that you can be. Someone once said, "Love thy neighbor as you love yourself." Well, you can't love your neighbor or your husband for that matter if you don't first love yourself. Another person also said, "No one can love you if you don't first love yourself." This is a good reason why you must deal with that self-consciousness issue that is eating away at you there if you intend to eventually regain your ability to love and be loved. You start by honestly admitting to yourself that there is a problem and a solution is required.

2. You don't get rid of the issue of self-consciousness by reading a book. Rather, you get rid of it by honestly absorbing whatever intelligence you can find, carefully and consistently applying it to your life and thinking until you obtain the results you desire. You need to work on yourself, and these exercises take time. Since you work remotely, what better way than to work on your self-esteem while working on your 9-to-5?

I mean, I could suggest you go set up an appointment with a professional mental health counselor and have you sit through weeks of therapy sessions to help get you to where you are attempting to get to. That is also a good approach to dealing with the issue. But I figure that since you work remotely, meaning you are online, you could probably get yourself the therapy you need by leveling up online content to help you through the process on your own — a self-guided therapy that you could work on without leaving your seat.

3. That's unfortunate! You should know that there are lots of women in your shoes, OK. So don't you think you are the problem? Women who didn't date much before marriage tend to struggle with feeling adequate in the bedroom, particularly if they are married to husbands who have more bedroom mileage than they do. If your husband were just as inexperienced as you, he would probably think you were the best thing in the bedroom. But the way forward, as I said before, is to work a lot harder on your self-confidence. The more confident you are with your body and sexuality, the less frigid you become with the one your heart loves.

4. Sounds like some of that self-consciousness comes from some of what your husband may have been saying to you. Do you think you may be struggling with depression? Yes, depression is a real thing, and one of its symptoms, among many others, is low self-esteem. If you feel you may be struggling with depression, you should probably see your doctor to be on the safe side.

5. Sex is all about self-confidence. It is not about being "great at it" as you may like to think, instead. As I tried to explain in my previous post, the only people who are probably great at sex are sex workers, or sex slaves — people who have received formal training on how to please clients and earn lots of money doing it. Otherwise, every other person out there is just so-so in bed. Yes, even those who train the sex workers on how to please customers are themselves not so great at it either. I suggest you trash that notion that you are not great at sex. That is just your mind playing tricks on you due to your self-consciousness.

Also, as someone already suggested, you and your husband may want to consider some couples therapy. When one spouse continually rejects the other in the bedroom, it does take a toll on that other's self-esteem. And sometimes the problem may not be entirely a bedroom issue at all, but problems in other areas of the marriage flowing over to the bedroom.

Spectrix:
➜ Lols all the things I knew, trust me I thought I knew but reality knocked me. He doesn’t believe in seeing anyone outside the marriage and I can’t force him to I wouldn’t be able to complain to any other person so he doesn’t feel disrespected.
➜ Our communication is for sheets because we just go in cycles. He sees me trying to gain his empathy and understand my pov as me being manipulative and I feel attacked whenever he tries to explain his pov. So I just resort to apologizing and the cycle just repeats again.
➜ I’ve tried suggesting texting when we are in the heat of it but when we are in the heat of it he’s like Bleep everything.
I’m starting to accept he doesn’t like me as much as I thought he did or maybe he’s bored given that we dated for almost a decade.

This is all the more reason why you need to focus your attention more on loving and accepting yourself despite all that negativity coming from your marriage partner. I mean, this sounds a lot like you are being gaslighted by your spouse.

Watching porn is not the answer here. You need to work on yourself — your self-esteem and confidence levels. You need to prepare yourself at this point. You sound like your self-esteem is in the gutters, and that is not a place for anyone to be, not even a wife.

3. If he does not want to seek professional marriage counseling, that should not stop you from getting yourself the mental health therapy that you need.

You have two kids. They ought to be more than enough reason why you, their mother, should work to heal your mental and self-esteem soonest.

Hello Spectrix, I could give you some paid advice. But I will give you one for free. Don't do porn. As you have rightly found, it doesn't help.

Although a decade is quite some time and being 'used to each other' could bring in the lacklustre, F has a lot more to do on this issue for a mutually enjoyable experience.

By the way, what's 'bullet' expected to do? Help you enjoy it more? Or help you get better at it? lol

The man with whom a woman has her first experience matters.

CrownedPhoenix:
➜ The man with whom a woman has her first experience matters.

Nonsense! 🙄🙄🙄

Many women out there— same as many men by the way — don't even remember, or care, who their first was, and they have healthier self-esteem than most women who are married to the one they had their first experience with.

Kobojunkie:
Nonsense! 🙄🙄🙄

Many women out there— same as many men by the way — don't even remember, or care, who their first was, and they have healthier self-esteem than most women who are married to the one they had their first experience with.

By all means, allow people their opinions. At the very least, you can ask them to explain their perspectives to understand better before you counter.

You exclaimed 'nonsense!', went ahead to give an opinion.

You expect that nonsense you wrote up there as an opinion is right? I'd allow you have that as your opinion.

But please, don't quote me again. I no get energy.

CrownedPhoenix:
➜By all means, allow people their opinions.
➜ At the very least, you can ask them to explain their perspectives to understand better before you counter.
➜ You exclaimed 'nonsense!', went ahead to give an opinion that is way off the intended initially made.
➜Tell me, you expect that nonsense you wrote up there as an opinion is right? I allow you have yours. But don't t quote me again. I no get energy.

1. Your opinion was not based on facts, giving me no choice but to reveal this.

2. Explain why a false statement is not a false statement?

3. I gave an opinion that is instead backed with evidence. It is not the person or man but the experience that mostly lingers beyond the experience. And this we are talking the feelings attached to the experience. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/05/27/a-psychologist-explains-the-long-term-effects-of-your-first-sexual-experience/

4. **Yawn**

Spectrix:
➜Thanks for your feedback. I have actually tried to read the book 3years back. Cutting weight hasn’t been easy I was able to loose during my first 73kg I’m 5’7 so it was slim for my structure then but now I’m almost 80 and it’s been yo-yoing. On the outside I think people would think me sexy and very sexually active(because of the way I’ve always dressed) if they only knew.
➜I might check YouTube again but I don’t know how to keep my emotions in check

One major reason people struggle to lose weight is that they are mentally troubled. Yes, if you are struggling with low self-esteem or are self-conscious, research has shown that you will struggle to lose weight. Your mind is where it should all begin.

2. It is very important to work on your emotional intelligence, i.e., controlling your own emotions, as well as your social intelligence, i.e., intelligently handling your interactions and reactions to outside stimuli(people included). I believe when you begin working on this, you will find the reason you need to discipline yourself to lose whatever weight you truly need to lose, when the motivation you need comes from a healthy mind, it is sustainable.

Kobojunkie:
This is all the more reason why you need to focus your attention more on loving and accepting yourself despite all that negativity coming from your marriage partner. I mean, this sounds a lot like you are being gaslighted by your spouse.

Watching porn is not the answer here. You need to work on yourself — your self-esteem and confidence levels. You need to prepare yourself at this point. You sound like your self-esteem is in the gutters, and that is not a place for anyone to be, not even a wife.

3. If he does not want to seek professional marriage counseling, that should not stop you from getting yourself the mental health therapy that you need.

You have two kids. They ought to be more than enough reason why you, their mother, should work to heal your mental and self-esteem soonest.

To be honest thanks for calling it out I didn’t see it as that as first but now it has become clear that I need to get myself together i thought I did. I thought I had kept my esteem and confidence but I guess some were in between trying to be respectful and humble. It’s hard.
I perceive you’re a guy and I want your perspective. Something more has happened recently and I feel uncomfortable sharing here I know you don’t want to be bothered but would you please consider. I really need advice from your perspective.

I’m beyond grateful to everyone who has taken the time to help a stranger. Truly🙏

Spectrix:
To be honest thanks for calling it out I didn’t see it as that as first but now it has become clear that I need to get myself together i thought I did. I thought I had kept my esteem and confidence but I guess some were in between trying to be respectful and humble. It’s hard.
I perceive you’re a guy and I want your perspective. Something more has happened recently and I feel uncomfortable sharing here I know you don’t want to be bothered but would you please consider. I really need advice from your perspective.

It's a faceless forum, you can share so we can learn and then the more experienced people can guide you if you wish. Wish you well though.