₦airaland Forum

Good afternoon Nairalanders.

Not need for long paragraphs.

My wife had a child with a deadbeat that put himself on child support and it’s been over 10 years without a payment and we are not bothered neither have we tried to enforce it. He have not seen my daughter in over 8 years, no call nothing. I am not the kind of person to stop a relationship between another man and his child. We have completely forgotten his existence until a week ago he when he called my wife’s office wanting to speak with her. My wife wants nothing to do with him.

I am the only father my daughter have known and she’s almost 14, I love her with every fiber in my body. My wife said she don’t want confusion in her life and also worries about her siblings knowing that I am not her biological father. I know how sensitive this is and I am being as careful as I can.

My daughter don’t know anything about him and that’s on him. How would you handle a situation like this?

This one loud

Your wife should not entertain his calls again. He is not her father. YOU are, as it's you who has been taking care of the child and raising her. One yeye man cannot show up now as he feels like it, to reap where he did not sow. Your wife should block him from contacting her again and if he does not desist, involve the authorities.

Calculate all the bills you spent on her...once you confirm receipt baba carry him blood daughter give am cos no be your pikin

Jamiejames:
Good afternoon Nairalanders.

Not need for long paragraphs.

My wife had a child with a deadbeat that put himself on child support and it’s been over 10 years without a payment and we are not bothered neither have we tried to enforce it. He have not seen my daughter in over 8 years, no call nothing. I am not the kind of person to stop a relationship between another man and his child. We have completely forgotten his existence until a week ago he when he called my wife’s office wanting to speak with her. My wife wants nothing to do with him.

I am the only father my daughter have known and she’s almost 14, I love her with every fiber in my body. My wife said she don’t want confusion in her life and also worries about her siblings knowing that I am not her biological father. I know how sensitive this is and I am being as careful as I can.

My daughter don’t know anything about him and that’s on him. How would you handle a situation like this?

just Dey play

D bitter truth is that u ain't d father so stop calling her your daughter n either u like it or not the man will claim d child someday

NotOfThisWorld:
Your wife should not entertain his calls again. He is not her father. YOU are, as it's you who has been taking care of the child and raising her. One yeye man cannot show up now as he feels like it, to reap where he did not sow. Your wife should block him from contacting her again and if he does not desist, involve the authorities.

just Dey play

Aleem26:
Calculate all the bills you spent on her...once you confirm receipt baba carry him blood daughter give am cos no be your pikin

where did the father tell the op to help him take care of the child?

Do they have any agreement or signed document?

Op should just give d man d child n move on cos the father will always b d father

Una sef funny fa....you suppose don legally adopt your daughter since he was a no show years back and even get a retraining order against him. By now, he suppose dey cool him feet for police station

Anyways, he no too late,you can apply to adopt her citing the child's best interest and the deadbeats lack of interest and care.....you have 12 years worth of record to prove it! Do it legally and tear him the riot act the next time he thinks of showing. Only a crazy guy would leave someone else to do his work for him for years and still think he owns any territory.

Sharpsharp00123:
where did the father tell the op to help him take care of the child?

Do they have any agreement or signed document?

Op should just give d man d child n move on cos the father will always b d father

Ohh ohhh

Jamiejames:
Good afternoon Nairalanders.

Not need for long paragraphs.

My wife had a child with a deadbeat that put himself on child support and it’s been over 10 years without a payment and we are not bothered neither have we tried to enforce it. He have not seen my daughter in over 8 years, no call nothing. I am not the kind of person to stop a relationship between another man and his child. We have completely forgotten his existence until a week ago he when he called my wife’s office wanting to speak with her. My wife wants nothing to do with him.
I am the only father my daughter have known and she’s almost 14, I love her with every fiber in my body. My wife said she don’t want confusion in her life and also worries about her siblings knowing that I am not her biological father. I know how sensitive this is and I am being as careful as I can.
My daughter don’t know anything about him and that’s on him. How would you handle a situation like this?

Hmm, why are you already describing her as your daughter when you're not, both biologically and legally?
There's not much you can do at this time, if the man keeps pushing, as he's the biological and legal father of the girl.

The only thing you and your wife can do now is to keep delaying/frustrating him until the child gets to 18years and decide by herself if she will accept the man as her father or not.

sisisioge:
Una sef funny fa....you suppose don legally adopt your daughter since he was a no show years back and even get a retraining order against him. By now, he suppose dey cool him feet for police station

Anyways, he no too late,you can apply to adopt her citing the child's best interest and the deadbeats lack of interest and care.....you have 12 years worth of record to prove it! Do it legally and tear him the riot act the next time he thinks of showing. Only a crazy guy would leave someone else to do his work for him for years and still think he owns any territory.

oga no legal anything about this, na d father own the child even if u spend 40 billion in her

The story is not complete. How come her siblings think you are the father of the girl?? Is this same with your siblings too?

At what point did you get involved with your wife and this girl?

Have you heard the girl's father side of the story? Or you just believe what your wife told you?

Helpout12345:
The story is not complete. How come her siblings think you are the father of the girl?? Is this same with your siblings too?

At what point did you get involved with your wife and this girl?

Have you heard the girl's father side of the story? Or you just believe what your wife told you?

Op, please answer this.
How come her siblings don't know you are not the child's father? What are you and your wife hiding?
Does your wife have other kids for you?

Your wife's ex is a dead beat, and his colleagues on this thread are already marching up in solidarity for him. To answer your question, there is a difference between a father and a dad. Anyone can be a father, but not everyone can qualify to be called a dad.

Your daughter's father died a long time ago, and reappearing suddenly to claim what isn't his, should be considered a crime. There is no need to say anything to the girl because there is nothing to tell.

Just ensure your wife severes all communication with him and you will be fine. I detest dead beat men!

Helpout12345:
The story is not complete. How come her siblings think you are the father of the girl?? Is this same with your siblings too?

At what point did you get involved with your wife and this girl?

Have you heard the girl's father side of the story? Or you just believe what your wife told you?

Her siblings are the kids from our marriage and no they don’t know that I am not her biological father because why would I do that. The only people that knows she’s not my biological daughter are immediate family members.

Not one time did we stop that man from having a relationship with her. Less than 6 months of coming into her life she had a major surgery that kept her at the hospital for 4 months, that’s when I got close to her and that’s when she started calling me dad because I am the one she sees every night and day. I was young and had just graduated from college, navigating through work/business and that did not stop me from being there considering the fact that I just met her mother, a lot of sleepless nights at the hospital, he came only once and another one time when they went home and that was it. No call, no letter, no email just no form of communication for almost 12 years.

Put himself on child support and never paid a dime and believe we don’t care and don’t need his money.

Do you know how many doctor’s appointment I take her to in a month? A lot till this day, she went through a lot due to the surgery, a lot of sacrifices being made and still. We spend over $11,000 a month on medication that insurance doesn’t cover for for about 3 years straight. Man none of these matters but I’m just trying to give context. I am more worried about my daughters mental health.

Like I said earlier on, I am not a selfish person and I want to treat this carefully which is why I came here anonymously. Like some clowns here had said “she’s not my daughter why am I calling her my daughter “ wow lol well I don’t care about what anyone says, she’s will always be my baby girl for the rest of our lives.

BeardedMeat:
Op, please answer this.
How come her siblings don't know you are not the child's father? What are you and your wife hiding?
Does your wife have other kids for you?

Hiding ? You mean protecting her? After over 12 years?

Jamiejames:
Good afternoon Nairalanders.

Not need for long paragraphs.

My wife had a child with a deadbeat that put himself on child support and it’s been over 10 years without a payment and we are not bothered neither have we tried to enforce it. He have not seen my daughter in over 8 years, no call nothing. I am not the kind of person to stop a relationship between another man and his child. We have completely forgotten his existence until a week ago he when he called my wife’s office wanting to speak with her. My wife wants nothing to do with him.

I am the only father my daughter have known and she’s almost 14, I love her with every fiber in my body. My wife said she don’t want confusion in her life and also worries about her siblings knowing that I am not her biological father. I know how sensitive this is and I am being as careful as I can.

My daughter don’t know anything about him and that’s on him. How would you handle a situation like this?

There is nothing much about it your stand with your daughter is fine and don't worry about the man

He doesn't need to know where you live pls so that he doesn't have to come over to be disturbing your home

As for your wife, let her tell him to go to court and the case will be brought up in the court

Even if it gets to that point, whatever he wants let him tell the girl that shouldn't bother you and when the girl comes to tell you anything that he tells her, let her know that you love her so much and you have always been there for her

Because no matter what, one day she will know that she has a dad and she will also know that you are the dad she has

Send him the 10 year child support bill and he will run back into his hole. I don't agree with the lying to the child about her identity though because WHEN the truth comes to the light, she will be extremely damaged and traumatised by the lies. I say trick him in to disclosing his address and serve him.

Klass99:
@ JamieJames, you handle it by listening to these women and doing what they've suggested.

Notice how your fellow men are capping rubbish in favour of the deadbeat man/dad. I don't know the world we live in where some men think it's okay to claim ownership of a child because they ejaculated into a woman in less than a minute. Only irresponsible men think like that, period! And they'll still claim to be logical.

It takes more than ejaculation to be a father and a responsible one at that. You've been there through every birthday, injury, hospital visit, school fees payment etc. You are more of a father than that jackass could ever be. You shouldn't even be asking the question you asked.

Sis! It's not a male vs female thing! They're lying to the child about her identity! She is 14 years old and it's now that she'll find out that the man she believed was her father isn't her father! That's child abuse right there. These were 3 irresponsible adults and the truth can never be hidden forever. This child deserves the right to know the other 50% of her being. She doesn't care about who paid what and how these adults conduct themselves. She will only care about knowing who she is. That is her human rights.

Jamiejames:
Hiding ? You mean protecting her? After over 12 years?

Ok bro. I didn't understand it at first until I saw your response on the siblings you meant. The lord is your strength.

Jamiejames:
Her siblings are the kids from our marriage and no they don’t know that I am not her biological father because why would I do that. The only people that knows she’s not my biological daughter are immediate family members.

Not one time did we stop that man from having a relationship with her. Less than 6 months of coming into her life she had a major surgery that kept her at the hospital for 4 months, that’s when I got close to her and that’s when she started calling me dad because I am the one she sees every night and day. I was young and had just graduated from college, navigating through work/business and that did not stop me from being there considering the fact that I just met her mother, a lot of sleepless nights at the hospital, he came only once and another one time when they went home and that was it. No call, no letter, no email just no form of communication for almost 12 years.

Put himself on child support and never paid a dime and believe we don’t care and don’t need his money.

Do you know how many doctor’s appointment I take her to in a month? A lot till this day, she went through a lot due to the surgery, a lot of sacrifices being made and still. We spend over $11,000 a month on medication that insurance doesn’t cover for for about 3 years straight. Man none of these matters but I’m just trying to give context. I am more worried about my daughters mental health.

Like I said earlier on, I am not a selfish person and I want to treat this carefully which is why I came here anonymously. Like some clowns here had said “she’s not my daughter why am I calling her my daughter “ wow lol well I don’t care about what anyone says, she’s will always be my baby girl for the rest of our lives.

Chief, you sound like a rational man.

For whatever it's worth, let me drop you a word.

You have shown yourself a honourable man, having made sacrifices and provided support to the young child and her mother both in care and with finances, over the years.
This is commendable.

In caring for her, you have shown yourself a caring dad. But you are not her father. These narratives peddled to legitimise you as her biological father does not stand any logical argument. Not a scientific, religious or any other argument for that matter can substantiate you being referred to as her biological father.

In this angle, she will also feel incomplete with a void only the truth can fill. Don't attempt to smuggle yourself into her heart on wrong premises and in due time this might reverse all the credits you are worthy of. And in fact, you can't tell how she'd perceive the issue. Possibly, as lies? She may think of herself as having lived life on lies. This could be traumatizing. In the end, affecting same mental health you care about.

Truth is truth. At the crux of creation, it takes only one sperm and an egg to produce a foetus. If it's not your sperm, it's not your DNA. If it's not your DNA, them it's not your child.

No guise can stand as truth. In conscience, as with any sane legal court. Except, of course, we go 'woke'.

You must desist from that fleeting illusion, and face reality.

You owe it a duty to let her know. And genuinely let her come to terms and decide what path she forges.
You and your wife should not box her into your false narratives.

Face your reality and not shy away from it.

You can hate this all your want, but she is your step-daughter. And you, her stepfather. If you cannot ponder the difference between stepfather and father, then you do not deserve any further counsel.

Klass99:
Babe, I strongly disagree with you on many points. First of all, there's only one irresponsible adult here not three and that is the deadbeat sperm donor. The mother and original poster have done right by this child since her birth, toddler years, into her teens. There's nothing irresponsible about that or them.

Secondly, I can't see how they are lying to her about her identity, you may have a point but my rational and just side cannot see it or refuses to see it. The 14 year old was born into a reality they've allowed her to continue to believe. A reality that helps more than it hurts her, please tell me of what use or benefit is there in her knowing about the deadbeat sperm donor now?

Thirdly, when you say she doesn't care about who paid what, that is extremely unfair to the parents who have been there and paid endless bills to provide a sane and comfortable life. She should care about that and be grateful to have supportive parents who have not shied away from their responsibilities, she should be even more grateful to the man who has stood in as her father all these years.

@ Your mention of human rights, I don't know which country this family is based in but I know that the child right laws in Nigeria were derived from the UN Charter which most countries have adopted and it protects a wide range of child rights like;

1. The right to survival
2. The right to a name
3. The right to a family life
4. The right to dignity
5. The right to health services
6. The right to education
7. The right to protection from neglect, maltreatment and abuse.

There are about 11 rights and none of those rights says the right to know your biological father. I believe the OP has adequately guaranteed and protected the 7 rights above. He has more of a claim and right to that child than the sperm donor.

Sis, are you autistic? I mean this with the utmost respect because you seem to come at this from a very anolog point. Every human being has a right to know where their DNA comes from. There's nothing wrong with knowing your true story even if it isn't some ideal story. This child is going to be hurt when the truth come out! She's going to feel betrayed and lied to. She's going to know that this great man isn't her biological father, and that her siblings are not the same as her! Do you not understand how much trauma that will create for her?


Do you know who both your biological parents are? I would have to respectfully agree to disagree!

Jamiejames:
Her siblings are the kids from our marriage and no they don’t know that I am not her biological father because why would I do that. The only people that knows she’s not my biological daughter are immediate family members.

Not one time did we stop that man from having a relationship with her. Less than 6 months of coming into her life she had a major surgery that kept her at the hospital for 4 months, that’s when I got close to her and that’s when she started calling me dad because I am the one she sees every night and day. I was young and had just graduated from college, navigating through work/business and that did not stop me from being there considering the fact that I just met her mother, a lot of sleepless nights at the hospital, he came only once and another one time when they went home and that was it. No call, no letter, no email just no form of communication for almost 12 years.

Put himself on child support and never paid a dime and believe we don’t care and don’t need his money.

Do you know how many doctor’s appointment I take her to in a month? A lot till this day, she went through a lot due to the surgery, a lot of sacrifices being made and still. We spend over $11,000 a month on medication that insurance doesn’t cover for for about 3 years straight. Man none of these matters but I’m just trying to give context. I am more worried about my daughters mental health.

Like I said earlier on, I am not a selfish person and I want to treat this carefully which is why I came here anonymously. Like some clowns here had said “she’s not my daughter why am I calling her my daughter “ wow lol well I don’t care about what anyone says, she’s will always be my baby girl for the rest of our lives.

It is more clear now with more information.

The fact still remains that he is the biological father. And you are a step father to the girl.

Yes he was not in the girl life for more than 10 years but if he is back now to make things right, please don't deprive the child this opportunity. The highest you can do now is to ask him to pay up all the child supports he is owing you and your wife. If he is a reasonable man, he will appreciate all you have done for his daughter in his absence and pay with thanks. That is if he has the money.

Don't waste any money on any legal problems at all on this. It's not going to work out. If he is not into crime or anything that will be detrimental to the child well-being or development, it will be difficult to even get the girl adopted by you if he fights you in court.

And you have done right for this step daughter. It's time to let the girl know who her biological father is.

You don't want the girl to find out through another means or through another person. You and your wife will lose her trust and it can back-fire on you both, even with all your efforts on the girl.

Face the reality now. Forget all those narratives of you being her only father. You are the step father. The truth is the truth.

I know you are already attached to your step daughter. Setting the record straight will not remove that bond, but continuing to hide this from the girl could jeopardize the bond and the trust the girl has in you.

Jamiejames:
Her siblings are the kids from our marriage and no they don’t know that I am not her biological father because why would I do that. The only people that knows she’s not my biological daughter are immediate family members.

Not one time did we stop that man from having a relationship with her. Less than 6 months of coming into her life she had a major surgery that kept her at the hospital for 4 months, that’s when I got close to her and that’s when she started calling me dad because I am the one she sees every night and day. I was young and had just graduated from college, navigating through work/business and that did not stop me from being there considering the fact that I just met her mother, a lot of sleepless nights at the hospital, he came only once and another one time when they went home and that was it. No call, no letter, no email just no form of communication for almost 12 years.

Put himself on child support and never paid a dime and believe we don’t care and don’t need his money.

Do you know how many doctor’s appointment I take her to in a month? A lot till this day, she went through a lot due to the surgery, a lot of sacrifices being made and still. We spend over $11,000 a month on medication that insurance doesn’t cover for for about 3 years straight. Man none of these matters but I’m just trying to give context. I am more worried about my daughters mental health.

Like I said earlier on, I am not a selfish person and I want to treat this carefully which is why I came here anonymously. Like some clowns here had said “she’s not my daughter why am I calling her my daughter “ wow lol well I don’t care about what anyone says, she’s will always be my baby girl for the rest of our lives.

Wow I am moved by your story and I am in tears, you are so caring. You are a blessing to the girl and the mother.

Kobojunkie I need your input on this thread

Very soon the child will be up to 18yrs and the court will ask the child to chose the father figure she wants to live with, the child will surely chose you, so worry not. What your wife should do is to block all chances of the irresponsible man meeting the child, till the child turns 18yrs.

The truth has a way of coming out... Since he knows her name and surname, he may one day reach out to her on social media, or even come to your house and demand to see her... He can even go to her school if he ever finds out the name of the school she attends.

I have one relative who also prevented his ex from seeing their children, two daughters... Apparently she abandoned them when they were still very young... But this lady came up with an idea of going to their school to see them during break time... She managed to convince the children not to tell their father about their secret meetings, but somehow the father ended up finding out... Unfortunately, both the kids died from a car accident back in 2013.

Just tell her the truth and I doubt she'd turn her back against you since you're the only father she's known all her life.

Kajaard:
Kobojunkie I need your input on this thread

My view is simple and the same as I have shared in other cases. Deadbeats should not be rewarded in any way, remains my stance.

Given that the child is currently being raised by her mother, there is no need to raise dust in her life for the sake of a deadbeat father. If the child has already been adopted by the stepdad, then there is no reason to even bother mentioning her to the deadbeat. If, when she becomes older — maybe after age 16/18— maybe the identity of her biological father can be revealed to her, in addition to the whole truth of his deadbeat status— that truth is necessary. However, before then, the deadbeat should have no place or right to come in to disturb the peace of the child's current family, unless the child finds out before then and maybe even demands she be allowed to visit him from time to time.

Samantha125:
The truth has a way of coming out... Since he knows her name and surname, he may one day reach out to her on social media, or even come to your house and demand to see her... He can even go to her school if he ever finds out the name of the school she attends.

I have one relative who also prevented his ex from seeing their children, two daughters... Apparently she abandoned them when they were still very young... But this lady came up with an idea of going to their school to see them during break time... She managed to convince the children not to tell their father about their secret meetings, but somehow the father ended up finding out... Unfortunately, both the kids died from a car accident back in 2013.

Just tell her the truth and I doubt she'd turn her back against you since you're the only father she's known all her life.

Show up at my home? Lol show up at the school? SMH. Some of you really have a lot of audacity.