₦airaland Forum

Good morning, everyone.

I’d like to share something that has been on my mind. Honestly, I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to relationships—especially with most Nigerian ladies I’ve encountered. I’ll take part of the blame. Being an introvert, I didn’t learn how to properly navigate relationships early on. I thought being nice alone was enough, but I’ve learned that it’s not.

For example, I was supposed to marry a lady last year. I gave her a lot—often without her needing to ask. Despite that, she constantly disrespected me over her male friend she referred to as her "bestie." She repeatedly posted pictures of outings with him.

We had actually broken up earlier, in 2020, when she suddenly started acting cold and told me she was no longer interested—even after my elder brother and a friend spoke to her. Still, she asked me for money to buy a baking oven, and I sent it. That same oven today would cost nothing less than ₦600,000 in Nigeria’s current economy.

Around that same time, she started posting about another guy and even wrote a long epistle on her WhatsApp status about how they met and how he "understands her." I read it but said nothing.

Eventually, I moved on. But in 2023, she reached out asking about my birthday. I told her I don’t celebrate birthdays, but I asked if she wanted to get me something. She said she would, and later sent me a cake she baked herself. I wasn’t home, so my friend and neighbor ended up eating it. I assumed maybe she wanted to reconcile, so I gave her that chance. But then she started referring to the same male friend from 2020 again as her bestie. I knew something was off.

I asked her to give the guy space, to let him find his own woman. She didn’t stop. She posted about him again, which made it clear to me that she didn’t rate me at all. I finally told her to stay away from me after she yelled at me via voice note when I called her out about one of her posts. This was after I had done even more for her than I did in 2020—bought her a laptop, a generator, sent her money without her asking, and even introduced her to my aunt.

I walked away, but she kept liking every video I posted on TikTok. She’s 29 now. And just to add: I never had sex with her.

Then I met a 24-year-old lady whose only mission seemed to be to take, take, take. She never gave anything in return. She visited my house a few times, never offered to cook or ask if I was okay—she just came, talked, and left. Or she’d suggest outings, anything that would make me spend. She even asked for money to "make herself up" whenever I invited her over. I had to draw the line and told her I wouldn’t continue, because it was obvious she was just taking advantage of my kindness.

Next came a 27-year-old I met this February. She mentioned having a boyfriend—even though I hadn’t asked her out—but she didn’t hesitate to ask me for money to buy food. I sent it. She then started coming to me about different health issues—not her supposed boyfriend. Eventually, I told her we should visit a hospital for a proper check-up, which we did. She stayed in touch afterwards and would even initiate most of our conversations from February to March. She had added me on WhatsApp herself and began asking intimate questions like "Do you live alone?"

She gradually drew me closer—confiding in me about her relationship, telling me she and her boyfriend were having issues. But soon, she began to pull away, as if to act like she hadn't led me on. I realized she was probably trying to keep me as a backup option because she wasn’t sure about her current guy. She did something that really crossed the line, so I told her to delete my number and photo, and I blocked her. She later sent me a long SMS trying to explain and fix things, but I never responded.

None of these ladies—not even the ones I didn’t mention—have ever genuinely asked about my well-being or offered help in any form. But I’ve always been the one giving, no matter how small.

Now, I’ve met someone new. She’s 20 years old. The day she visited my home, she cleaned and tidied up everything—her presence was felt even in her absence. She has told me she’s serious about marriage if the opportunity arises. But I’m concerned about the age gap between us. Her parents are late, and she only completed secondary school. Even though she says she’s okay with the age difference and points out that other women marry young, I still feel awkward about it. Is the age gap really a problem in this case?

My worry is this: based on my experience, I don’t think I’ll meet an older woman who would genuinely do what a loving partner should do. I’m extremely kind—even to people I’ve never met in person. But I’ve noticed that older women often misinterpret my kindness as weakness. There’s even someone I didn’t include earlier whom I had to confront. I told her that because I had gifted her a few times without meeting her does not mean I am a fool—because I had loaned a man I had never met ₦500,000 at that time.

Thanks for reading. I’d really appreciate your insights.

columbus007:
Bros naso you good how far? My sisters dey ooo, come check them out 😊.

StPete:
People will always paint themselves good and saints until you get to meet them in person. I don’t believe the OP is exactly what he portrays.

In any case, don’t be unwise when u love. If you don’t fork a girl you’re in a relationship with, she will NEVER rate you

havilla:
Such age gap is always an advantage for the man but a disadvantage to the girl/lady

If I were someone who takes advantage of people, I wouldn’t be concerned about the age gap. That’s also why I spoke to her about it. She even pointed me to other women who had done something similar in the past — and she was right.

I had to ask her if she was willing to learn and grow beyond just her secondary school education, and she said she was.

Still, I can’t shake this feeling of awkwardness.

As for the one who was still fooling around with her "bestie", unable to draw a clear line between being in a relationship and having a male friend she called her best friend, I had actually planned to support her in going back to get her nursing degree. But it became clear that she wasn’t ready to take life seriously, so I gave her the freedom she wanted. I can tell the regret is eating her up; that’s probably why she quickly likes any video I upload on TikTok.

I haven’t replied to her last message since October, and I’ve deleted her number and everything related to her. The last thing I want is a woman who would disrespect me or one who would make me raise my voice. I don’t want that in my life.

Nobody is perfect, myself included, but I treat people with dignity and respect, the same way I’d want to be treated.

TechAI:
Hello, I will post this under this quote for security reasons:

StPete:
People will always paint themselves good and saints until you get to meet them in person. I don’t believe the OP is exactly what he portrays.

In any case, don’t be unwise when u love. If you don’t fork a girl you’re in a relationship with, she will NEVER rate you

Juliearth:
I know you've had a couple of bad experiences, but they should not push you into a hasty decision in life.

Dating a woman you are 20 years older than, infact a 20 year old might be counterproductive. You seem not to have noticed the pattern in the few women you have had an encounter with. They all are in their explorative stage. They are may be ready for marriage, but believe they can settle for the best, so their current love interest is treated shabbily because there is a best man out there.


The situation with your 20 year old would be worst because she is still in her homegirl stage, a stage preceding the aforementioned stage. She is just starting life and chances are that you may suffer worst fate with her.


My advise for you is to slow down a bit. I know you are worried about being 40, but remember that age is just a number. It is better to marry late and be fulfilled than to rush in with a chameleon who would change colours later in life.


Spread your tentacles to get more options: Church/mosque/shrine(lol), work place, market, neighbourhood, social media...


All the best!

labake1:
Follow your heart
Age is just a number
Getting someone who gives you peace is rare o
You are just talking about ladies even some men no well

Of course, I’m fully aware of my gender too 😄.

The lady I met in February shared some things about her relationships — both her previous one, which lasted five years, and her current one — that most women wouldn’t normally reveal. I believe she senses that she might be wasting her time in her current relationship. When we first started talking, I asked her when she planned to get married, and her response was, “I don’t know.”

Normally, I don’t ask such personal questions, but since she had asked me about mine, I felt it was fair to ask her as well.

One thing is clear: if she were truly secure in that relationship, she wouldn’t be reaching out to me for money for food. I only sent it because she had earlier mentioned she wasn’t feeling well, and I thought she might need it for medication. Still, I struggled internally before sending it, asking myself, Why isn’t she asking her boyfriend instead? Why me? Beyond that, there were other signs that things weren’t right. So when she eventually admitted that they were having issues, it didn’t surprise me — it only confirmed what I had already suspected.

I even told her to delete my number and photos from her devices before I blocked her. But she didn’t block me or delete my contact. Instead, she sent a long SMS trying to explain things I never asked her to explain.

I won’t lie — we bonded deeply and really connected. But it became clear she was emotionally tied to her current relationship and didn’t know how to leave without feeling guilty. I also didn’t want to be someone’s backup plan. From past experience, I could see the signs that things could eventually get messy between us if I stuck around. That’s why I made the decision to help her — by walking away from the situation.

hatozeck:
This just highlights the fact that being nice never works with women and even if it does, in the long run, you'll end up with lots of see finish.

Back to your question op, the age gap isn't an issue at all. I understand the emotional and psychological toll it's having on you and I'll admit that I might struggle with that a bit myself but you have to look beyond the age and see the girl as someone who's mature enough to understand the basic things that keeps a relationship. That's a keeper especially in these days where it's so hard to find a girl like that.

Maturity is in the mind and it's mostly shaped or influenced by our upbringing. The girl is already showing signs of good upbringing and she's also at the age where it's easy for her to learn.

I'll say take your time to know her and be sure she isn't pretending, but ensure to always do right by her. Maybe this is nature or God (if you're a believer) rewarding for all the bad experiences you've had with women.

RightToReject:
Provided that she's independent-minded, go ahead with her.

I hope that you'll be enlightened enough though, to know the traits of an independent-minded person so that you'll not mistake them for disrespect whenever she exhibits them.

Also, I hope that you'll be enlightened enough, too, to differentiate an independent-minded woman from a stubborn woman and do well to avoid the latter so that you won't become either an abuser or abused in the union, depending on the strength of your grit and ethical leanings in general.

TechAI:
Thank you. I truly appreciate it. Yes, I’m naturally emotionally sensitive. I don’t like taking advantage of people, even if they’ve done it to me in the past, because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that.

Last year, I had the opportunity to take advantage of an ex who was in a desperate situation, but I made it clear that I wouldn’t do that, even though she had taken advantage of me when she had the upper hand. She was the one who gave me my first major heartbreak.

I turned down her advances, and she became restless and unstable. She started calling me repeatedly, but I asked her to type everything on WhatsApp instead. After a bit of back and forth, she ended up deactivating that WhatsApp account.

TechAI:
Hello, I will post this under this quote for security reasons:

TechAI:
Hello, I will post this under this quote for security reasons: