₦airaland Forum

Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

breadtoaster:
➜So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.
Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement. Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics? How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Red flag #1. He dated you while you had all those friends around — your social support— you and didn't say anything, but then decided you needed to cut your social circle off completely after marriage. That is a problem. You need to discuss this with him and let him understand that he should be able to see that you need that support, particularly since he is not providing any tangible, meaningful alternative. Depression is real, and many married women in your shoes know this as their lot.

If your partner wishes you to change your friends and social circle because he is in your life or married to you—seriously controlling behavior —, that red flag should be more than enough reason for you to know you are not supposed to be together at all, under any circumstances.

If he often says you're not aligned, then he's saying you're not compatible, and based on what you've written, you aren't. It sounds like he just doesn't like you, let alone loves you, tbh. Have you considered marital counselling? It doesn't sound like he wants the marriage but that's something you’ve to determine. Marriage isn't a do-or-die affair. With the stories we've been hearing about lately from Nigeria, if a marriage isn't working out, it's better to walk out in one piece than one or both of you harming or killing the other/each other.

breadtoaster:
➜Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.
➜For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.
We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

1. Red flag #2 - You dated a man who seems to be both mentally and physically introverted, and decided he was the right one for you to marry, how? Anyways, rather than drag him—I am in an introverted phase right now and ain't nobody forcing me nowhere—, reach a deal of sorts with him. Or may just find yourself some friends in a similar situation, who you can go hang out with on Friday nights. I bet you can find local meetups with like-minded individuals looking to hang out now and then in your area.

2. Maybe both of you are really not on board with the whole spiritual life thing. I get the sense that this, too, is really just you craving his attention and not getting it. The sad truth is that a lot of times, you cannot force these things out of someone who has already shown you from the get-go that his/her essence is rock from the beginning. To save yourself from unnecessary hurt and pain, I suggest you spend your energy on yourself—self-love. Work on yourself, level yourself up, and spend your time and energy working on your emotional and social intelligence overall, so you would spend less of it worrying or hurting.

Life does not end at marriage; these are some of the things you should have thought deeply about before choosing a partner.

breadtoaster:
➜He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage;
➜ he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.
➜ At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

Red flag #3! Aggression and lashing out... definitely not good signs. Was this some sort of arranged marriage?

2. You obviously thought wrong since humans aren't judged by their silence but by their actions. Most of us have known this since we were kids, so why did you choose to go against common sense in these things?

3. Why did you marry this person again?

breadtoaster:
➜ After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside. I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.
➜ It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.
➜ He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.
➜ I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.
➜ I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry. I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

1. Red flag 4! You are understandably alone since he also seems to be gaslighting and bullying you.

2. Manhood not functioning well? That excuse get k-leg.

3. He has literally told you that he is not that into you, though. So, what are you waiting for?

4. Your mind has been impacted by the silent violence you have been living with, it seems. You should probably go see a professional mental health therapist at this point.

5. Ah!😮 Woman, you are a single married woman. You just dey carry Mrs badge for chest; in reality, you are no better than a single woman. And you don't even have kids yet(you have not been babytrapped into this relationship with this man at this point).

It seems you are married to someone who does not like you or rate you at all. With over 4 major red flags(these are not light things at all), I suggest you begin now showing yourself the love you deserve, so you can better implement the next steps in your life from this point on. Is this really the kind of life you envisioned having for yourself at this age or time? Is it really better to be married to your potential enemy than be single and searching(or maybe not) for longer?

Trt

"I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness."

I stopped reading this DRIVEL at this point.

The author is trying to VILIFY her husband for the same thing she's GUILTY of!

She's complaining that an EMPLOYED man goes to bed at 9 PM at night.

9PM!

MADNESS!

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Wait untill you lose him before you realise your folly☹️

After reading all that, I'm left wondering what attracted op to the spouse in the first place.

I doubt the authenticity of the story anyways.

Mariangeles:
After reading all that, I'm left wondering what attracted the op to the spouse in the first.

I doubt the authenticity of the story anyways.

And I m here declining sometimes hanging out with my husband.... I dey enjoy the outing sha and he Allows me to be myself.
My husband is the quiet type sha,but he dey rep when it comes to taking me out.

Caaz:
And I m here declining sometimes hanging out with my husband.... I dey enjoy the outing sha and he Allows me to be myself.
My husband is the quiet type sha,but he dey rep when it comes to taking me out.

The op and her husband are simply not compatible.
That is, if the story is real sha.

Kdon2:
➜ Wait untill you lose him before you realise your folly☹️

OP, do not let anyone emotionally blackmail you into holding on to that which you admit has so far stripped you of much of the little peace and sanity you have held onto until this point in time. Be more afraid that you might lose whatever else is left of your mind and self if you continue down this road that you have been on.

This is what many of you ladies get when you rush to marry a man who is not so into you but you literally force yourselves on the men. Some of you ladies do this either because the man is very good-looking or rich! You fail to take other things into consideration but just focus on his money or his fine face! I know know ladies and how they make marriage choices!

It is after marriage that many of you would start demanding what was never there ab initio. This is one major cause of marital problems and divorces in this 21st century

You guys were never compatibility to begin with, you only fell for him because he's a "spiritual brother".

Spirituality doesn't mean compatibility... You fell in love with his spirituality and not his personality.

One man is also complaining about his wife on the romance section, are we also going to say he forced himself on his wife?

Jman06:
This is what many of you ladies get when you rush to marry a man who is not so into you but you literally force yourselves on the men. Some of you ladies do this either because the man is very good-looking or rich! You fail to take other things into consideration but just focus on his money or his fine face! I know know ladies and how they make marriage choices!

It is after marriage that many of you would start demanding what was never there ab initio. This is one major cause of marital problems and divorces in this 21st century

Samantha125:
One man is also complaining about his wife on the romance section, are we also going to say he forced himself on his wife?

He probably did. People in this generation don't know what true love entails yet they claim they married for love. They're mostly driven by ephemeral things that can't sustain marriage! That is why the 21st century marriages are failing

Jman06:
He probably did. People in this generation don't know what true love entails yet they claim they married for love.
➜ They're mostly driven by ephemeral things that can't sustain marriage! That is why the 21st century marriages are failing

. There is no such thing as true love! There are always just two humans working(either together or against each other) in a relationship.

2. Every marriage and relationship on this planet is sustained by exactly those ephemeral things balanced out by the emotional/mental and social intelligence of the couple involved.

Kobojunkie:
. There is no such thing as true love! There are always just two humans working(either together or against each other) in a relationship.

2. Every marriage and relationship on this planet is sustained by exactly those ephemeral things balanced out by the emotional/mental and social intelligence of the couple involved.

Ephemeral things can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage! 21st century couples fail to check other qualities that sustain marriages like character, emotional intelligence and selflessness. Rather they get blinded by things that can't sustain marriage as people readily get tired of them due to the "see finish" syndrome. Ladies are major victims of this! It is usually inside the marriage that they realise that the guy is selfish, has bad characters and lack emotional intelligence. They are usually blinded by infatuation to see all the above undesirable qualities from the get go.

Jman06:
➜Ephemeral things can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage!
➜ 21st century couples fail to check other qualities that sustain marriages like character, emotional intelligence and selflessness.
➜ Rather they get blinded by things that can't sustain marriage as people readily get tired of them due to the "see finish" syndrome.
➜ Ladies are major victims of this! It is usually inside the marriage that they realise that the guy is selfish, has bad characters and lack emotional intelligence. They are usually blinded by infatuation to see all the above undesirable qualities from the get go.

Marriage is itself an ephemeral contract meant to last for as long as the individuals in the marriage are willing to work towards. (Even the religious reloading indicates that it is till death, not everlasting.) It is dependent on the ephemeral efforts of the individuals who are bound by the contract.

2. Last I checked, even during the days of your ancestors — before the 21st century — the marriage abandonment rate(ala divorce) was just as high as it is today, even if unofficial.

3. I don't buy that reasoning at all! Humans will always be humans, and change is constant to us all.

4. Well, the same prescription for people who find themselves in such marriages during the time of your ancestors exists to this day: divorce. Yes, divorce is as old as marriage itself. 😏

Previous generations, including the religious hordes, for so long gaslighted women into avoiding divorce by heaping shame and humiliation on those who chose that way. (All this while menfolk were hailed as good men for discarding what were considered bad women.) Fortunately, the current generation of women is no longer choosing to live in bondage like their mothers and grandmothers before them.

The women are complaining, the men are complaining
Marriage seems to be the real shithole.

Kobojunkie:
Marriage is itself an ephemeral contract meant to last for as long as the individuals in the marriage are willing to work towards. It is dependent on the ephemeral efforts of the individuals who are bound by the contract.

2. Last I checked, even during the days of your ancestors — before the 21st century — the marriage abandonment rate(ala divorce) was just as high as it is today, even if unofficial.

3. I don't buy that reasoning at all! Humans will always be humans, and change is constant to us all.

4. Well, the same prescription for people who find themselves in such marriages during the time of your ancestors exists to this day: divorce. Yes, divorce is as old as marriage itself. 😏

Previous generations, including the religious hordes, for so long gaslighted women into avoiding divorce by heaping shame and humiliation on those who chose that way. (All this while menfolk were hailed as good men for discarding what were considered bad women.) Fortunately, the current generation of women is no longer choosing to live in bondage like their mothers and grandmothers before them.

Marriage was never designed to be ephemeral. It's the woke generation with your kind of mindset that thinks marriage is about jumping in today and out tomorrow.

You lie when you say that divorce rate was as high for my ancestors as it is today. That's totally untrue! Marriages lasted then because women knew their place and roles in marriage and played it very well. But 21st century women are totally confused about what they want in marriage and that's why they want to jump in and out of marriage.

Jman06:
➜Marriage was never designed to be ephemeral.
➜ It's the woke generation with your kind of mindset that thinks marriage is about jumping in today and out tomorrow.
➜ You lie when you say that divorce rate was as high for my ancestors as it is today. That's totally untrue!
➜ Marriages lasted then because women knew their place and roles in marriage and played it very well. But 21st century women are totally confused about what they want in marriage and that's why they want to jump in and out of marriage.

1. It was never designed to be what it has almost always been. That makes no sense!

2. Stop with this nonsense! Since before even the time of your ancestors, divorce/abandonment has been commonplace. Almost 50 % of marriages tended towards just that in the end. So, why are you hell bent on putting this on the recent generation?

3. As far back as the 1980s, the official divorce rate in much of Northern Nigeria was over 50% — 80% in parts of Plateau state. However, given that shame and humiliation were mostly attached to divorce in the Southern states, most of the divorces were via abandonment (unofficial routes), and it was just as commonplace as what is obtained in the Northern states.

4. Marriages lasted then, even when historical records show that was never really the case for all marriages.

Why did you marry your husband? With all you have listed, it’s either this is a fake story or an incomplete story? Are you trying to tell us you did not see any of these red flags before tying the knot? This man sounds like someone that can’t even be bothered to pretend while trying to get you to marry him so, why did you agree to marry him?

Kobojunkie:
OP, do not let anyone emotionally blackmail you into holding on to that which you admit has so far stripped you of much of the little peace and sanity you have held onto until this point in time. Be more afraid that you might lose whatever else is left of your mind and self if you continue down this road that you have been on.

If you like allow people who have lost their own home advise you. You will understand when it's already late. My advice : take a grip of yourself, review your value system, work on adjusting yourself midway and see the wonders in your relationship. Have you ever wonder maybe the problem is partly yours too. I put your age between 30 and 35 so you need this advice more than those broken feminist manipulations

Kobojunkie:
1. It was never designed to be what it has almost always been. That makes no sense!

2. Stop with this nonsense! Since before even the time of your ancestors, divorce/abandonment has been commonplace. Almost 50 % of marriages tended towards just that in the end. So, why are you hell bent on putting this on the recent generation?

3. As far back as the 1980s, the official divorce rate in much of Northern Nigeria was over 50% — 80% in parts of Plateau state. However, given that shame and humiliation were mostly attached to divorce in the Southern states, most of the divorces were via abandonment (unofficial routes), and it was just as commonplace as what is obtained in the Northern states.

4. Marriages lasted then, even when historical records show that was never really the case for all marriages.

No need going back and forth with you because I already know you on this forum as someone who never gives up on argument and never accepts correction.

But the truth remains the truth! Marriages were never intended to be ephemeral but a lifelong commitment. Divorce rate today is way higher because women of this generation don't know what they want and many of them can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage. This underscores the general loss of values and morals common with youths of this generation!

Jman06:
➜No need going back and forth with you because I already know you on this forum as someone who never gives up on argument and never accepts correction.
But the truth remains the truth! Marriages were never intended to be ephemeral but a lifelong commitment. Divorce rate today is way higher because women of this generation don't know what they want and many of them can't sustain a lifelong relationship like marriage. This underscores the general loss of values and morals common with youths of this generation!

Keep holding on to what are obvious delusions... and let us know how it works out for you in the end. 🥱🥱🥱

Virgin wey conclude say gbola no dey work well, how you take know?
You sef no know wetin you want in the first place. Na only you and ya husband fit settle this matter. The problem be say you don understand all him moves finish, him no dey take you on unpredictable emotional ride, this female gender sef

That's your own side of the story, we also need to hear from the other partner. I smell lies somewhere. Till then

risos:
Virgin wey conclude say gbola no dey work well, how you take know?
You sef no know wetin you want in the first place. Na only you and ya husband fit settle this matter. The problem be say you don understand all him moves finish, him no dey take you on unpredictable emotional ride, this female gender sef

Are new born babies taught how to latch onto their mothers' breasts and suckle?