₦airaland Forum

Filmdirect:
➜The emotions you feel are the beginning of depression. i can guarantee you that in a few years you will be a shadow of yourself and God forbid people get suicidal when all hope is gone. A Nigerian woman in Chicago recently killed herself over depression. Leave.

Can you please post a link to her story?

kbright2:
➜I am not trust me,
➜ we are all trying to give our opinions to the OP story I believe this questions will let her know those given her advice then is now are choice to know the ones to take or trash. May be to take the ones coming from someone who don't believe in the institution or those that did and are still in it and enjoying every bit of the journey.

Even the human kind of trust is earned, not doled out for free.

2. Nonsense! Learn to give your opinion and expect it to be criticized. Stop pretending you can browbeat others and level up your opinion by browbeating them and their personal stories. Get over yourself!

From everything I've read from the OP's angle, if it was anything to go by, I'm sorry to say its just a matter of time before they go their separate ways.

You can't just force what's not there. Obviously, the lady married out of desperation...like age being the main factor. The man she's complaining about will do well with a like minded person, same with her.

Marriage is not by force pls. In a world that's draining, Happiness matters.

TenQ:
A strong woman is not led by feelings or emotions by her strength, sense and wisdom


1. It would be your Choice to apply a Feeling of Resentment to your husband but it is a negative choice which will backfire against younand your children.

2. Anger is a Choice: conquer it with Understanding. His Gene mix and life experience is different from yours. Suppose you have the same character and attitude?

3. Rudeness is a choice. God sees your husband as your head. He is like Christ in your Marriage.

You are not his Wife because you are inferior. No! You are his wife because you are to complement him in your union of marriage to bring out the best for yourselves and for your children!


Now that you are aware of your husband's weaknesses, how do you want to complement him that overall, your marriage will be a garden of Joy and Progress?

Do not forget that he was your CHOICE in the first place, so all the blame isn't his alone.

Pick up yourself and be strong!
All will be well!

The grass always looks greener on the outside but it's all a lie. A good marriage require consistent hard work to succeed!

Shalom!

Wonderful!

OP, I am sorry you are going through this.
Do yourself a favor and divorce him.
Marriage is not a do or die thing.

Always place yourself first and make yourself happy.
You come first. ❤️

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

good for you...you dont appreciated good and lively guys

pocohantas:
Na only complain everywhere. For marriage of yesterday. So I am curious. Maybe it is rage bait sha. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

It could be .

I just tire

folake4u:
Happy Belated Birthday, Pina.

Sorry it's coming late, as I saw your moniker, I come remember.

I hope you had a 10/10 birthday because you're a 10.

Thank you Folake!

No problem at all, I'm glad you remember

Oh I did! Threw a little party this year

intruder15:
Are you two financially stable? If yes, that's fair enough. Even though it's relative due to Tinubu indirectly pressing everybody's neck.

^^^
It took 7 or 8 pages but someone finally mentioned the wicked man whose work is never done.

breadtoaster:
hmmmmmm..........deeeeeeeeep! I agree acceptance. and you have pointed one thing that would end my issues honestly. and i think i did accept him back because i felt he would be faithful, he is a Christian and no much pressures back in nigeria

I would hold this because it is worddddd and you are so damn true. I know the truth when you tell me and I dont deny it

But over here, its like, if i just accept him, would it pay our debts? feed us? make me feel like a woman that needs love? protect me when some evil devils who pretend they know how to love start lurking around in the near future and I am sex starved for weeks?

Would this acceptance pay for all this?

which way forward

I'm glad you want to wholeheartedly accept him. I do understand your fears. Men have an ego and that ego will not allow him to relinquish his ability to take care of his family. He would always want to see his own taken care of. It's obvious you want more. Don't pressure him. Rather encourage him. When he makes small gains, encourage him. Tell him you always see him at the top and that you always pray he'll realize it and start following that path. Nothing kills the spirit of a man than the criticism of his wife. It looks as if he's not enough. Make him understand that he is actually enough, but he's just getting started. He hasn't left gear one. Imagine if he enters gear two and three. Then pray. There are many things I do eventually that my wife tells me with joy that she always hoped I would do but she had to pray to God to make me understand.

Then take your spiritual life serious. If he doesn't join in prayers yet, you begin the prayers. Wake him up and if he won't join, don't complain. Pray for him. You will see a great turnaround I promise you. God is faithful. I sincerely wish you the best.

ejieddy:
➜I'm glad you want to wholeheartedly accept him. I do understand your fears. Men have an ego and that ego will not allow him to relinquish his ability to take care of his family. He would always want to see his own taken care of.
➜ It's obvious you want more. Don't pressure him. Rather encourage him. When he makes small gains, encourage him. Tell him you always see him at the top and that you always pray he'll realize it and start following that path. Nothing kills the spirit of a man than the criticism of his wife. It looks as if he's not enough. Make him understand that he is actually enough, but he's just getting started. He hasn't left gear one. Imagine if he enters gear two and three.
➜ Then pray. There are many things I do eventually that my wife tells me with joy that she always hoped I would do but she had to pray to God to make me understand.
➜ Then take your spiritual life serious. If he doesn't join in prayers yet, you begin the prayers. Wake him up and if he won't join, don't complain. Pray for him. You will see a great turnaround I promise you. God is faithful. I sincerely wish you the best.

1. Yet every single day, those same men do, over and over, the exact same things you claim their ego would keep them from. Why?

By the way, egos are not unique to men since all human beings are born with egos. So, claiming that when ruled by an ego, a man automagically should do the right things when in reality most men who are ruled by their egos notoriously do the very opposite leads me to conclude that you are either in denial or high on something detrimental.

2. You are literally advising her to become his mother? Why should a wife take on the role that belongs to her husband's mother? What does she gain by such a draining and foolish endeavor?

3. There are 100s of thousands of our mothers, grandmothers, even daughters stuck to this day, some for years, others for decades, praying for their husbands to change so they can finally exhale in marriage; the vast majority will die never to see that happen for them in marriage. Yet, here you are already recruiting yet another daughter of somebody into the same hell. Why? Isn't this literally what wickedness is all about?

4. Oh Wow! Even though she is literally married to Mr. Spiritual himself, she still needs to devote her own life to praying for him to wake up, and that might be the way to change him? Kai! It almost seems you people worship a truly evil entity that hates women. 😩😩😩😩

Namaster:
"I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness."

I stopped reading this DRIVEL at this point.

The author is trying to VILIFY her husband for the same thing she's GUILTY of!

She's complaining that an EMPLOYED man goes to bed at 9 PM at night.

9PM!

MADNESS!

omo the matter weak me too.

Cheating dey her eyes and she's genuinely looking for justification to do it.

Like she said, there are other more "masculine" men she depended on while they were dating.

Those were not willing to have anything marriage to do with her. So she settled for this her husband.

Now she's comparing him to them and thinking she's made a mistake because he's not measuring to that "masculine" idea she has.

No worry, leave the man already and go outside. No need to paint him black to justify your own shortcomings.

ejieddy:
➜Marriage is always the sum of its parts. You have really complained about your husband. It's clear you resent him. You are not just worried or have these complaints about him. You resent him. I also feel there's someone or something you are comparing him to or wishing he would become, most probably a male figure. He has no chance with you and the most important thing about marriage for any man is acceptance. He doesn't have that with you, so I ask you, why did you marry him?
➜ If you wouldn't accept him, why commit to him?
➜ Yes he has all these great flaws you mentioned but he doesn't have the most important thing he needs from you. If you keep wishing he was someone else in your heart, what chance does he have?

Acceptance is a two-way street in relationships. If A accepts B but B does not accept A— acceptance is exhibited through action in this case —, then it all means nothing. Two people may be married, but if they do not accept each other, they are no better or different from roommates/strangers forcing themselves to live together/tolerating each other.

OP has made clear that her husband does not accept her; according to her, he has attempted to change so much of who she is and has ignored her many advances to this point. Pointing out that OP does not accept all of this — is pushing back against that which has literally been cutting her down— does not give you the right or unction to place the blame for the rejection that is her marriage wholly.

Also, he married her, too. So, while OP has admitted to being foolish in her choice, ponder instead what the man's reasons for choosing her were.

2. There is no law against accepting someone and then changing your mind after realizing the person is not who you originally thought him/her to be. Also, one is able to commit and uncommit the moment one finds that there is nothing to benefit from the commitment.

3. The important things that OP has continuously complained about through the thread are literally the bare minimum which are required to mark the difference between a relationship between two strangers/roommates and two lovers. Why do you seem dead set on making it seem like OP is asking for too much?

kbright2:
This is a good question for @Kobojunkie to answer. You view to marriage is totally different. I doubt if you believe in marriage

She's most likely not married or have experienced some trauma she's dealing with.

Kobojunkie:
If a person must first have to believe in marriage, don't you immediately see that it creates a bias towards it that literally renders any contributions made on the subject untrustworthy?

I do not believe in marriage. Rather, I believe humans have the freedom and abilities to relate with each other —engage in relationships, including in marriage— without needing to give up their individual rights and freedoms in the process.

Mariangeles:
Talk to him about your feelings more, even if he feels like you're nagging. Keep talking.
Don't keep anything bottled up inside, lest you go crazy. Nag! If you have to.
Get him to communicate more.
Before he drives someone's daughter over the edge with his non-communicative, non-expressive, petty self.

Even me gan, I got stressed reading this, that I couldn't till the end.
How much more you that have everything bottled up inside.😩💆🏽‍♀️

Honestly, the majority of the comments here lack empathy. They are not even considering this lady's mental health, just accusing her of infidelity and playing the victim with the aim to quench her expressing her valid concerns, and they may have succeeded at that.

Many others dismiss her concerns like they are meaningless. They just want her to shut down emotionally, live with her husband like roommates, breed children, fake happy couple smiles, become sexually frigid, adapt to the life of a social recluse, cut off all communication with the world according to her husband's desire. They want her to become an android wife that can be controlled and programmed by the husband to do his biddings without complains, that her body should be an animated coffin for her soul within only because she decided to get married. I bet it is only then this people will hail her as a wife material.

If you were this much stressed only taking a peek into what she has endured forever, how much more the lady herself?

I am not suggesting divorce. She should find ways to replace those vital aspects of living that she cannot get from her husband which help keep her mental health in check. She should know she cannot please any human 100%. Cutting off all her friends is unwise. If she has to adapt to his lifestyle, then he must also make efforts to adapt to hers. He cannot be a dictator in the relationship making only demands regardless of her feelings and wants.

I hope, sincerely, the husband gives attention to those needs of hers that crave satisfaction.

Kobojunkie:
The man also made a conscious life decision when he chose to be a husband to this woman. Isn't he equally accountable for making his wife feel loved and valued in marriage?

2. He represented the best of what was available to her or to him? So, what if he had the aura of a husband? How does any of that erase the fact that she now admits she was wrong in looking only at the aura, as she now sees that the aura was without substance?

3. Demand more? She is literally asking for the bare minimum in any relationship, and that is what she is saying she is not even getting. Why are you making it seem she is asking for too much?

4. Nonsense! Modern women don't wait around to whine about these things. They are gone the moment they realize that the sheet ain't sticking, and rightly so.

This is nonsense.
Don't forget that her story here is just one side of the entire situation. The man is most likely mentally fatigued by the daily life pressures of working, paying bills and maintaining his family .

When a woman starts complaining about her husband, she's either trying to justify leaving or justify stepping out on her husband.
If you have been with a woman before or married, you would know that it is in women's nature to want more and more. It is a psychological phenomenon called Monkey-branching.

It may sound chauvistic, but a man simply cannot keep a woman happy for any extended period of time, because they are hardwired to look for the greener grass.

plaetton:
➜This is nonsense. Don't forget that her story here is just one side of the entire situation.
➜ The man is most likely mentally fatigued by the daily life pressures of working, paying bills and maintaining his family .
➜ When a woman starts complaining about her husband, she's either trying to justify leaving or justify stepping out on her husband.
➜ If you have been with a woman before or married, you would know that it is in women's nature to want more and more. It is a psychological phenomenon called Monkey-branching.
➜ It may sound chauvistic, but a man simply cannot keep a woman happy for any extended period of time, because they are hardwired to look for the greener grass.

1. What part of her story do you need the man's input for? The part that the man also married her?

2. How can he be mentally fatigued by daily life and pressures, paying bills, and maintaining a family when the story is literally that the woman has been the one handling the bills, rent, and even their visit to a marriage counselor was paid for by the gal... since the man does not have a job?

3. Whatever her reasons, her complaints are valid.

4. Monkey-branching is an attachment style that both men and women have been found to possess. So, why are you trying to insist it has more to do with women? Where do you get that nonsense from?

5. Oh boy! Stop rambling!

I'm not one to judge.
This opinion is one sided...
I don't know your spouse side of the story...
But, I think you guys need to talk to someone together...
Find who he listens to/ has great respect for.
Preferably another couple or just some he admires or has a mental image of success....

- find Kolawole Ojo of Jos

But check yourself, you knew what you were marrying and you went ahead to...
Why are you really surprised...
Or deep down you want to end it

Akalia:
➜The problem stems from your subconscious memory of having had platonic male friends who were very active, motivating, and inspiring before you married your hubby. Your hubby apparently happens to be the antithesis of all the attributes that you liked and admired in those male friends in your defunct circle.
➜ Madam, marriage is hard work o!- to gel and blend with your spouse will take time, maybe months, and even years depending on the intensity of commitments from both parties.
➜ You married a good man that is just laid back, that's all and you should do well to understand that and even come to terms with his inert nature.
➜ Look at me now, I have a high drive and because of my forceful nature at getting things done(proactive) I often tend to push my wife who happens to be like your husband but she is having quite a hard time adjusting to my energy. It causes friction between us often and we are 6 years already with 2 boys.
➜ Madam, marriage requires pertinent hard work; the initial palpable love (infatuation) during courtship will eventually wear off when the actual ball of marital reality begins to roll. It takes maturity and dogged will power to keep finding reasons to stick with your spouse in a lifetime.

1. How can her problem stem from that when she mentions that her husband is nothing like what she is used to and would rather want in a man?

2. The ordinary bare minimum of romantic relationships takes months of hard work for a woman to earn from a man she is literally married to? (It ain't like the man was forced to marry her, but here you are literally telling the woman that the hard work to obtain just the bare minimum that even children in romantic relationships handle with ease, she would need to work many months to earn? Why do you hate women so?

3. Stop lying to her. Her husband does not sound laid back; He simply does not like her. His attitude towards her has shown her more than this. Yet you are literally trying to invalidate what her senses have been screaming at her in the 1 year that she has been with him. Why?

4. You are lying! Your wife is absolutely nothing like OP's husband, and you know it. According to you, your wife attempts to adjust to your energy, while OP insists in her case that she has been the one being adjusted by her husband to his energy. If we look well now, na you get traits closer to OP's husband than your wife can even be found to have.

5. Yes, marriage requires work indeed, but nothing of what you pointed to is the actual work required in marriage for couples who are in marriage; all your words have been attempts to gaslight OP into believing she is the problem when her mind is literally screaming for her to change course and quickly before she becomes lost.

breadtoaster:
No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

I have only one piece of advice to you - cancel the immigration plans and send him back home. Take a grip of your life. Not sure why you decided it was a good idea to go back to Nigeria to marry when you had men around you. Of course he feels inferior.

You would have married those your masculine friends and leave the peaceful man alone. Now you’re justifying the saying that women marry who’s available not who they love. You loved and were obsessed with the bad boys, then you settled down with the cool guy and you’re trying to change him. Please divorce let him heal so he can find a better match and you don’t end up cheating and destroying your reputation

You can also take a break like a vacation. Distance sometimes helps love. He might realize himself or you might be able to think more clearly if you really want the relationship and can tolerate him or you can’t take it any longer.

You both will heal🚶‍♂️

Kobojunkie:
Stop trying to distract from the topic for your personal delusions. My story has nothing to do with OP's story. 🥱🥱🥱

the question is are you divorcée or single mum. Kobo, you don't like good looking adults to be together in marriage. Your advice really spoke about you. Just tell me and let talk much about it. You are pained on something's in which you displayed the hurt here. A man you love most disappoint you and you don't forgive the man since. Just have the heart of forgiveness.

While some of us are single but feeling married. Life

Kobojunkie:
1. How can her problem stem from that when she mentions that her husband is nothing like what she is used to and would rather want in a man?

2. The ordinary bare minimum of romantic relationships takes months of hard work for a woman to earn from a man she is literally married to? (It ain't like the man was forced to marry her, but here you are literally telling the woman that the hard work to obtain just the bare minimum that even children in romantic relationships handle with ease, she would need to work many months to earn? Why do you hate women so?

3. Stop lying to her. Her husband does not sound laid back; He simply does not like her. His attitude towards her has shown her more than this. Yet you are literally trying to invalidate what her senses have been screaming at her in the 1 year that she has been with him. Why?

4. You are lying! Your wife is absolutely nothing like OP's husband, and you know it. According to you, your wife attempts to adjust to your energy, while OP insists in her case that she has been the one being adjusted by her husband to his energy. If we look well now, na you get traits closer to OP's husband than your wife can even be found to have.

5. Yes, marriage requires work indeed, but nothing of what you pointed to is the actual work required in marriage for couples who are in marriage; all your words have been attempts to gaslight OP into believing she is the problem when her mind is literally screaming for her to change course and quickly before she becomes lost.

You must be a she.

Proserpina:
Thank you Folake!

No problem at all, I'm glad you remember

Oh I did! Threw a little party this year

You're welcome dear.

Thank you. 💜

Ah ah oshey baddest! That's beautiful actually. I'm glad you had a blast.💃🤗

Leave. You cannot straighten a dry fish, it will break. Leave to live(be happy)

You can never get it all in one human. Some women don't like overly out going guy. They will be complaining that he is too busy and not available for them. I don't think with your write up, that he stops you from aspiring.
So madam manage what you have.

Just have kids or get a second Job, get home very late at night, sleep and repeat the next day. Everything you have stated up their , you can do them on your own, business, crypo , forex.... Attend paid seminars and go alone , get a bestie female friend who is married with similar interest with you. I won't advise you to leave your husband(the street is not smiling), instead get a female friend who is married that you can do all these things with, try to pair her husband with yours so this can be like family friends thingy , plan date with that your female friend, you don't need him to follow you to church , you can go alone , the only thing you need him for is the planned date and if he says no , go with your female friends. Most men don't dance, I can't either including Dangote. Get Netflix sub and watch lots of movies. Find your own peace of mind , if you are still in that stage where you need someone to make you happy, then something broken inside that you need to fix first. If you are based in Lagos , i know a married lady i could pair you with and i feel your cases is very similar with hers.

breadtoaster:
.

Kobojunkie:
Red flag #1. He dated you while you had all those friends around — your social support— you and didn't say anything, but then decided you needed to cut your social circle off completely after marriage. That is a problem. You need to discuss this with him and let him understand that he should be able to see that you need that support, particularly since he is not providing any tangible, meaningful alternative. Depression is real, and many married women in your shoes know this as their lot.

If your partner wishes you to change your friends and social circle because he is in your life or married to you—seriously controlling behavior —, that red flag should be more than enough reason for you to know you are not supposed to be together at all, under any circumstances.

In this life it's almost impossible to find a perfect partner the husband doesn't even cheat on her yet she is still complaining of other mundane things that are not all that serious in their marriage if u look at it critically. Women are really insatiable any man trying to fulfill all the fantasies of a woman will only end up killing himself before his time.

Kobojunkie:
Acceptance is a two-way street in relationships. If A accepts B but B does not accept A— acceptance is exhibited through action in this case —, then it all means nothing. Two people may be married, but if they do not accept each other, they are no better or different from roommates/strangers forcing themselves to live together/tolerating each other.

OP has made clear that her husband does not accept her; according to her, he has attempted to change so much of who she is and has ignored her many advances to this point. Pointing out that OP does not accept all of this — is pushing back against that which has literally been cutting her down— does not give you the right or unction to place the blame for the rejection that is her marriage wholly.

Also, he married her, too. So, while OP has admitted to being foolish in her choice, ponder instead what the man's reasons for choosing her were.

2. There is no law against accepting someone and then changing your mind after realizing the person is not who you originally thought him/her to be. Also, one is able to commit and uncommit the moment one finds that there is nothing to benefit from the commitment.

3. The important things that OP has continuously complained about through the thread are literally the bare minimum which are required to mark the difference between a relationship between two strangers/roommates and two lovers. Why do you seem dead set on making it seem like OP is asking for too much?

She's the one complaining here. You've not heard from the husband. You may hear something entirely different. But from all she has said, she wants to change her husband into something or someone. You can clearly see that, at least from your points made. When you go into marriage to change someone, you will get a disaster. Change can come, but you must first accept what is and then with wisdom work to what can be.

Kobojunkie:
1. Yet every single day, those same men do, over and over, the exact same things you claim their ego would keep them from. Why?

By the way, egos are not unique to men since all human beings are born with egos. So, claiming that when ruled by an ego, a man automagically should do the right things when in reality most men who are ruled by their egos notoriously do the very opposite leads me to conclude that you are either in denial or high on something detrimental.

2. You are literally advising her to become his mother? Why should a wife take on the role that belongs to her husband's mother? What does she gain by such a draining and foolish endeavor?

3. There are 100s of thousands of our mothers, grandmothers, even daughters stuck to this day, some for years, others for decades, praying for their husbands to change so they can finally exhale in marriage; the vast majority will die never to see that happen for them in marriage. Yet, here you are already recruiting yet another daughter of somebody into the same hell. Why? Isn't this literally what wickedness is all about?

4. Oh Wow! Even though she is literally married to Mr. Spiritual himself, she still needs to devote her own life to praying for him to wake up, and that might be the way to change him? Kai! It almost seems you people worship a truly evil entity that hates women. 😩😩😩😩

I see you are bitter. Your response is coming from bitterness and never reality. You are probably not married or divorced or in a terrible relationship where you can't accept how marriage was fashioned. Marriage has a playbook. God made it. If you want it to work, you must follow his manual. I am not exempting the man from his faults, but I haven't heard him, and he's not the one complaining.

Your idea is to burn down the marriage and tell him good riddance right. But thank God no one will follow your evil advice. You can advice your daughter that way and let her crash and burn her marriage like yours. I never heard that the man cheats on his wife or is violent towards her. That would have been a strong ground for your suggestions. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and things can get better with understanding and prayer.