₦airaland Forum

Having read all you've written, there's only one way out of this. You both need to go separate ways.

You also need to go separate ways quickly else you'll go crazy.
Should you refuse to separate, he'll separate from you after a while because by then he'll not be able to deal with your madness anytime and that might be the final straw that tears you apart.

Leave!!!

If you did courtship, the issues you mentioned is something that could have been trashed out during the courtship, to marry someone who does not go church or pray is dangerous, if any spiritual attack, no prayer to counter such attack and that is not good for a christian home, the aspect of wanting to go out always shouldn't be an issue, not all men like outings.

Poster, marriage comes with its own dynamics. And you are not the only one with in similar or worst situation. While it is not so easy to cope with such a situation, there are ways around it. I have read a comment where someone suggested that you find someone (married woman or women) whose marriage is working and tag along with them. It has a way it rubs off on you as an individual and on your husband as well. Of course, I can understand a bit of his own concerns about your relationship with him or other male counterpart, but it should not be without understanding. For instance, I don't see why a man should prevent his wife from talking to opposite sex provided she knows how to set her boundaries with everyone. I believe we are all free being and we know what is right from what is wrong. Perhaps, I am married and I cook and wash the dirty dishes when my wife isn't available to do so. Even when she is cooking, I am helping out with the cleaning as well. Why should any grown man wait for his wife before he lift a finger in doing the home chores? It's not written anywhere that the woman has to do everything in the home. Men can step in too. I also run an IT firm as well as my daily job but in all these, my wife still finds one or two things to complain about from time to time. For me, it comes down to doing your best as an individual, exploring new ways to bring more money and also driving peace in my home.

Aside, [b]your dreams are valid [/b]and no one should stop another person's light from shining just because a person doesn't want to attain greatness in life. However, I will suggest you do it in a mature manner. Some of us, it takes time to get there even if we have a wife who wishes to see us get there and some won't ever get there even if you provide them with all the needed resources.

Marriage entails growth and the need to constantly work on it. Don't dim your light because of others around you. Rather let your light shine so that it may be evident to everyone around you.

Of course, your husband has his own view to life as well and we have not heard from him. But in all you have said, he needs someone (the right person) to push him and that is where having the right people whose marriage and careers are working. The abroad life calls for constant self development and leveraging on opportunities that comes around but if one is not prepared, opportunities will continually be a mirage to such as person. He is a good man, from what i read, but he needs a bit of push from the right person(s).

Also, note that the dynamics will change once you start having kids of your own. You can not afford to be the only one who steps in for the family else you will have a major burn out and it could lead to many other unforeseen issues for you and him. The earlier he steps up to manhood the better for him and you. In all, you need the right company (good people with good intentions - i don't mean religious people) to help give him a kick start and also continue in that path.

ejieddy:
✓ She's the one complaining here. You've not heard from the husband. You may hear something entirely different. But from all she has said, she wants to change her husband into something or someone. You can clearly see that, at least from your points made. When you go into marriage to change someone, you will get a disaster. Change can come, but you must first accept what is and then with wisdom work to what can be.

A person is literally telling you that the load she dey carry dey already too hard for her to bear; your suggestion is that we hear from her husband with suggestions that she continue to hear the already suffocating load. Does any of this sound like asvkce from someone who cares?

Mrexcell:
✓ In this life it's almost impossible to find a perfect partner the husband doesn't even cheat on her yet
✓ she is still complaining of other mundane things that are not all that serious in their marriage if u look at it critically. Women are really insatiable any man trying to fulfill all the fantasies of a woman will only end up killing himself before his time.

1. In this life, only an eejiot walks around believing perfection is a standard that applies to humans. No sane individual goes out looking for a perfect human being...that is a myth. 🤔🤔🤔

Nonsense lies! She is complaining that she is not even getting the bare minimum that a lover is supposed to get from another lover.. Her mind is literally screaming at her that she is loving someone who does not even see her as being worthy of having even his prick action. That is a person who does not like her at all. 🥱🥱🥱

Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition. I think Ibukun Awosika mentioned something like that too, one of her sermons, A woman said something about having to do everything and her husband not being there, trust me its draining but of course, no one remembers your mental health in such condition. She said in that program that she should be happy he isn't stopping her from pursuing her goals and she should leave him. that so far he sha finds one work to do or something like that. that should be enough. That it could be worse, where he would even stop her. so she is in a good place.

I guess learning to live and be happy with someone without having all you want / basic support you shouldnt even be getting from outside is a skill one needs to learn.

Some of us, just grew not being able to lie to ourselves when thing arent right or tell our selves to pretend all is right and have to learn now.

Yesterday I complained of urges and at least he made use of his hand, he didn't just leave me. Thats a thing to be thankful for. I am not sure he is ready to Bleep me normal in his mind, even though the prick is rising.

Further more he painted an illusion that he thinks his brother's wife is advising me wrongly. cus d first day i went to visit the brother wife and the brother, i told her to tell me truth as her younger sister things i need to know. she mentioned they weren't grateful people even if you remove your liver and all etc., and my husband and another of his brother behaves like woman, and they gaslight (i didn't really even know what behave like a woman means).

And stupidly one happy day, I mentioned what she told me to him (I was mistakenly pushed to cus he asked how i enjoyed myself, what we jisted, blablabla, to say everything, nothing to hide, to trust him, whether good or bad whether its even me that insulted him i should sha be open its no judgment zone), apparently, he told his brother, told his mother etc. Since then his brother has been hurt, he said its a lie blablabla, but he wont want to spoil my relationship with her and he would stomach it.

i wondered why my husband told his brother, does he want to destroy their marriage?

when staying with my sister, i didn't necessarily like everything her husband used style to say to me but i just take it as normal or be like if me too don hustle, I wont be here hearing what i dont want to hear. but i know telling my sister can cause issues or at least cause fight of i dont like what you told my younger sister or something. so me too respect myself.

So over time if he did something or not pushing to support and I say cant you see how i am struggling, you dont pity me, i would later just say, umm let me strengthen my mind, dem don tell me say you no dey grateful before (call that one of my bad characters).

so he feels i am in constant communication with her and hinted again to the already angry brother that its like we are in conversation and his wife is still advising me wrongly. it was a joint call that day so i know for sure he repeated it again to his brother.

Anyways, i have messaged and called his wife since then twice, she isn't picking or responding not sure what her husband has finally gone to tell her.

its fine i take responsibility, me and my big mouth.

But i just wonder, if he would tell his brother such knowing it can damage their home, how devoted would he be to ours? the brother stomached this talk to keep his home but he keeps reminding him what his wife may be doing as if to make him vent finally.

He always told me he counsels marriage, he has no problem etc. May God bless you to date someone that can praise himself, and when ou enter you realize the hype is more than the reality.

I am asking him if his brother ever mentioned to him now that he spoke to his wife about this and he said he doesn't know.

she's not responding and since he came, he has even said he won't go to their house.

He has told me I am not God, that because sometimes i would say lets go back to Nigeria (he feels am threatening him), meanwhile i always worry that it wasn't this bad there and things may be better for us there. I think I am God because of the immigration thing and all. It would hurt so deep because never for one did I say even if we go back, you go back alone. talks like this still made me feel this guy isn't someone that knows how to count his blessings.

Because he wanted me to marry him before coming here sef and be processing the paper while he chills back home, then he would now come. Even here he would always tell me, I should not worry when his paper comes. Immediately he landed, he encouraged me to do the court wedding here within a month. I remember my sister and parents warning me to slow down. dont let anyone rush you.

It was right after I think he stopped being sweet and started complaining that i dance etc. etc. It was then I asked why we were so smooth one month before the court wedding. though he says I am lying, because I was like you didn't complain I did all these things in that one month.

At this point, I am not God, and I agree, Let God work out his papers using him himself or another person.

We have been in the house since yesterday its quiet as a graveyard. only basic comments, hello, wen i entered, and wont you come and sleep when I didn't see him come to bed and the time i told him i was Hot and he used his hand.

How do people find their peace, in this kind of environment.

I swear i didn't learn it before, how to sit somewhere and be having your peace when you know all is not well.

And now I need to learn it.

Thank you so much for counsel. At this point, I would just pray for God's will and watch the way he is watching.

Watching doesn't solve problem, Am just tired of trying to fix what another phlegmatic person's temperament doesn't even feel the need to work on to fix.

I would keep praying, do only the basics on my end too and wait for God's will

breadtoaster:
➜ Because he wanted me to marry him before coming here sef and be processing the paper while he chills back home, then he would now come. Even here he would always tell me, I should not worry when his paper comes. Immediately he landed, he encouraged me to do the court wedding here within a month. I remember my sister and parents warning me to slow down. dont let anyone rush you.
It was right after I think he stopped being sweet and started complaining that i dance etc. etc. It was then I asked why we were so smooth one month before the court wedding. though he says I am lying, because I was like you didn't complain I did all these things in that one month.
At this point, I am not God, and I agree, Let God work out his papers using him himself or another person. We have been in the house since yesterday its quiet as a graveyard. only basic comments, hello, wen i entered, and wont you come and sleep when I didn't see him come to bed and the time i told him i was Hot and he used his hand. How do people find their peace, in this kind of environment. I swear i didn't learn it before, how to sit somewhere and be having your peace when you know all is not well. And now I need to learn it.
Thank you so much for counsel. At this point, I would just pray for God's will and watch the way he is watching. Watching doesn't solve problem, Am just tired of trying to fix what another phlegmatic person's temperament doesn't even feel the need to work on to fix. I would keep praying, do only the basics on my end too and wait for God's will

. He told his brother what you said in order to also isolate you from him and his wife, so you would not have anyone filling your head with stories of how you can possibly do better without him. He needs you to find whatever happiness you may want while you are by his side, controlled by him. He wants to decide what you can have, even if sexual pleasure, and when you can have it. That is one of the many classic manipulation tactics men use against women.

He has already sought to limit your interaction with your friends; next is to work to isolate you completely from as many of them as possible. Woman, run away while you still have your head.

About him no longer being sweet with you after a while, I suspect he lovebombed you to get you to take him along with him. You should probably Google a lot of these terms for yourself because ignorance, as you must have realized by now, isn't bliss!

In life, happiness is not found when surrounded by people who don't value or respect you. Happiness is not a bag one can hold onto while dragging along the filth and heavy weights of this life. Yes, so many people try to fake it, but even then, they never really find it. Why? Because true happiness can only be found when you let go of all that drags you— the self — down and hurts you.

Peace and happiness go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other!

breadtoaster:
Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition. I think Ibukun Awosika mentioned something like that too, one of her sermons, A woman said something about having to do everything and her husband not being there, trust me its draining but of course, no one remembers your mental health in such condition. She said in that program that she should be happy he isn't stopping her from pursuing her goals and she should leave him. that so far he sha finds one work to do or something like that. that should be enough. That it could be worse, where he would even stop her. so she is in a good place.

I guess learning to live and be happy with someone without having all you want / basic support you shouldnt even be getting from outside is a skill one needs to learn.

Some of us, just grew not being able to lie to ourselves when thing arent right or tell our selves to pretend all is right and have to learn now.

Yesterday I complained of urges and at least he made use of his hand, he didn't just leave me. Thats a thing to be thankful for. I am not sure he is ready to Bleep me normal in his mind, even though the prick is rising.

Further more he painted an illusion that he thinks his brother's wife is advising me wrongly. cus d first day i went to visit the brother wife and the brother, i told her to tell me truth as her younger sister things i need to know. she mentioned they weren't grateful people even if you remove your liver and all etc., and my husband and another of his brother behaves like woman, and they gaslight (i didn't really even know what behave like a woman means).

And stupidly one happy day, I mentioned what she told me to him (I was mistakenly pushed to cus he asked how i enjoyed myself, what we jisted, blablabla, to say everything, nothing to hide, to trust him, whether good or bad whether its even me that insulted him i should sha be open its no judgment zone), apparently, he told his brother, told his mother etc. Since then his brother has been hurt, he said its a lie blablabla, but he wont want to spoil my relationship with her and he would stomach it.

i wondered why my husband told his brother, does he want to destroy their marriage?

when staying with my sister, i didn't necessarily like everything her husband used style to say to me but i just take it as normal or be like if me too don hustle, I wont be here hearing what i dont want to hear. but i know telling my sister can cause issues or at least cause fight of i dont like what you told my younger sister or something. so me too respect myself.

So over time if he did something or not pushing to support and I say cant you see how i am struggling, you dont pity me, i would later just say, umm let me strengthen my mind, dem don tell me say you no dey grateful before (call that one of my bad characters).

so he feels i am in constant communication with her and hinted again to the already angry brother that its like we are in conversation and his wife is still advising me wrongly. it was a joint call that day so i know for sure he repeated it again to his brother.

Anyways, i have messaged and called his wife since then twice, she isn't picking or responding not sure what her husband has finally gone to tell her.

its fine i take responsibility, me and my big mouth.

But i just wonder, if he would tell his brother such knowing it can damage their home, how devoted would he be to ours? the brother stomached this talk to keep his home but he keeps reminding him what his wife may be doing as if to make him vent finally.

He always told me he counsels marriage, he has no problem etc. May God bless you to date someone that can praise himself, and when ou enter you realize the hype is more than the reality.

I am asking him if his brother ever mentioned to him now that he spoke to his wife about this and he said he doesn't know.

she's not responding and since he came, he has even said he won't go to their house.

He has told me I am not God, that because sometimes i would say lets go back to Nigeria (he feels am threatening him), meanwhile i always worry that it wasn't this bad there and things may be better for us there. I think I am God because of the immigration thing and all. It would hurt so deep because never for one did I say even if we go back, you go back alone. talks like this still made me feel this guy isn't someone that knows how to count his blessings.

Because he wanted me to marry him before coming here sef and be processing the paper while he chills back home, then he would now come. Even here he would always tell me, I should not worry when his paper comes. Immediately he landed, he encouraged me to do the court wedding here within a month. I remember my sister and parents warning me to slow down. dont let anyone rush you.

It was right after I think he stopped being sweet and started complaining that i dance etc. etc. It was then I asked why we were so smooth one month before the court wedding. though he says I am lying, because I was like you didn't complain I did all these things in that one month.

At this point, I am not God, and I agree, Let God work out his papers using him himself or another person.

We have been in the house since yesterday its quiet as a graveyard. only basic comments, hello, wen i entered, and wont you come and sleep when I didn't see him come to bed and the time i told him i was Hot and he used his hand.

How do people find their peace, in this kind of environment.

I swear i didn't learn it before, how to sit somewhere and be having your peace when you know all is not well.

And now I need to learn it.

Thank you so much for counsel. At this point, I would just pray for God's will and watch the way he is watching.

Watching doesn't solve problem, Am just tired of trying to fix what another phlegmatic person's temperament doesn't even feel the need to work on to fix.

I would keep praying, do only the basics on my end too and wait for God's will

Although you have learnt to never disclose sensitive information to him, but at the price of your friendship with you sister-in-law. Never forget this lesson and unintentionally harm the trust people repose in you when they open up to you in the future.

You are an adult. You know what you want. The only place I have a problem with the suggestion that you should work on your husband like you are some mechanic fixing a broken or non-responsive part of a vehicle that won't move is that it places a heavy burden on you coupled with the pressure you already face as regards your job security, your mental sanity and all. Who will fix you when you break down?

If you have given everything to make the relationship work but it still doesn't, your days barely have happy moments that make living with him tolerable, you are on the brink of mental and physical collapse, please, save yourself and seek separation, not divorce. You should not suffer for the personality traits of another person who is unaffected in any way by the same. It is like marriage of fire and ice.

@Breadtoaster, you should make time to see the video below soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CRTMu8aDtM?si=JLkixD2zDNG1TjyJ

Testimony1988:
➜If you did courtship, the issues you mentioned is something that could have been trashed out during the courtship,
➜ to marry someone who does not go church or pray is dangerous, if any spiritual attack, no prayer to counter such attack and that is not good for a christian home, the aspect of wanting to go out always shouldn't be an issue, not all men like outings.

Wrong! According to her, it seems her man lovebombed her until right up to about a month after they arrived abroad, after which he switched up from angel mode to something entirely different from what she was used to during the courtship period. He played the long game with her until the lady was able to bring them both abroad. That is a classic manipulation tactic right there that people use.

Also, did you miss the part of her story where she reveals that the man is seriously spiritual... I think she even mentioned he had claimed to be a marriage counselor at some point.

2. You didn't bother reading through her side of the story, did you?

ejieddy:
➜....Marriage has a playbook. God made it. If you want it to work, you must follow his manual. I am not exempting the man from his faults, but I haven't heard him, and he's not the one complaining.
➜ Your idea is to burn down the marriage and tell him good riddance right.
➜ But thank God no one will follow your evil advice.
➜ You can advice your daughter that way and let her crash and burn her marriage like yours.
➜ I never heard that the man cheats on his wife or is violent towards her. That would have been a strong ground for your suggestions.
➜ The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and things can get better with understanding and prayer.

1. Which God? Your pastors or some other gods that seem to favor men over women? The same ones that allow men to humiliate and degrade women in marriage while allowing the men roam free without consequence for any of their actions? Make I hear word abeg! Religion is entirely made for the stroking of the gods of men, and to your gods of men, women are just servants, nothing more.

2. Tell him? Who him? I am not concerned about him, but for someone's daughter who is complaining that the load is already too much for her to bear.

3. Marriage has never been an achievement that one would think it is OK to advise others to hold on to that which is literally dragging them down into depression and potentially killing them.

4. Never mind that the man is literally abusing her in other ways in the marriage — she is basically screaming that she is about to lose her mind from it —, you are certain and decided that so long as he has yet to cheat or lay a hand on her, she has to remain firm? I pity your mother and your daughters.

5. Even if it turns out to be a literal desert out there, what makes you think it is for you to decide or speak for her life on the other side of her release and freedom from all of her current woes?

Kobojunkie:
Wrong! According to her, it seems her man lovebombed her until right up to about a month after they arrived abroad, after which he switched up from angel mode to something entirely different from what she was used to during the courtship period. He played the long game with her until the lady was able to bring them both abroad. That is a classic manipulation tactic right there that people use.

Also, did you miss the part of her story where she reveals that the man is seriously spiritual... I think she even mentioned he had claimed to be a marriage counselor at some point.

2. You didn't bother reading through her side of the story, did you?

I read the story.

breadtoaster:
Ahhhhh
Its working, I didn't say it isn't. I only said we lacked techniques and he is not interested in spicing it up or researching how they do.......didn't I say even my vagina sef is not responding as should be. That i dont feel anything in penetrative sex? I am not here to make him look bad. this is just my realties and looking for way to pass through it while maintain my sanity.
I threw him my pant to sniff, he went to throw large volume of spit / vomit, it killed the mood, I later asked if he doesn't like me or how my pant and the vagina he enters would irritate him so. He told me he always have spit in his mouth...lol...one of those excuse that dont add up, and that I need to know he hasn't sniffed any woman's pant before and all that its only my own and all that talk.
So how do i know if he truly is just not game or doesn't love me hence why my pant would irritate by me. He did mouth action once and was pouring all the spit on me and said I gave him fever blister and he has never tried it again by mistake. So i am d only one without sense to be putting mouth on his prick

My goodness...

TenQ:
As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

In all sincerity, I am worried who you are counseling.

He isn't phlegmatic. Let's not overspiritualize things. He is cruel, lazy, and 1 Timothy 5:8 is written for men like him. I see some of his traits in myself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs... but I cannot imagine my wife having to worry one day about how her bills are paid, having to work 2 jobs and go to school while I sleep all day, etc. He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully, a violation of 1 Corinthians 7:5.

She married a fraud. A man who hid behind "spirituality" to explain away the fact that he was simply a shell, not fit to be a husband. He is not holding up his end of the marital bargain, so she is free to move on.

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.

There is nothing to be joyful about in the above:
1. Withholding his body as punishment is cheating.
2. He isnt - she's been the sole breadwinner. The best of his ability so far is sleeping and nagging her every day
3. As my wife would tell me, the silent treatment is worse than slapping your spouse.

So exactly what should she be joyful about? This is the Nigerian brand of "christianity", where we are taught to endure abuse in Jesus name.

breadtoaster:
Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition.

And the one who is being beaten will say, at least he buys me cars and flies me first class to Dubai for vacations. You are both in the same boat... You don't know it. The men here are pushing you to "manage it" because many of them are the same. As I said, I saw some of myself in your husband (not the lazy part), it took my wife giving me an ultimatum to realize I had to take meaningful steps to change... and I still have a long way to go. You have a man who has no desire to change, improve his life, or do more than sleep all day. It will get worse, regardless of what YOU do. You can get a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink.

TWoods:
In all sincerity, I am worried who you are counseling.

He isn't phlegmatic. Let's not overspiritualize things. He is cruel, lazy, and 1 Timothy 5:8 is written for men like him. I see some of his traits in myself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs... but I cannot imagine my wife having to worry one day about how her bills are paid, having to work 2 jobs and go to school while I sleep all day, etc. He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully, a violation of 1 Corinthians 7:5.

She married a fraud. A man who hid behind "spirituality" to explain away the fact that he was simply a shell, not fit to be a husband. He is not holding up his end of the marital bargain, so she is free to move on.

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.

There is nothing to be joyful about in the above:
1. Withholding his body as punishment is cheating.
2. He isnt - she's been the sole breadwinner. The best of his ability so far is sleeping and nagging her every day
3. As my wife would tell me, the silent treatment is worse than slapping your spouse.

So exactly what should she be joyful about? This is the Nigerian brand of "christianity", where we are taught to endure abuse in Jesus name.

One of the first rules of marital counselling is never to judge or condemn until you have heard the back and forth from both parties.
Notwithstanding,
1. Since you've not heard from the man, how did you arrive at the notion that her husband is cruel, lazy and a fraud?


2. You claim that you see some of his traits in yourself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs. Since you know that your wife wants you to go out to club with her, why is it difficult for you to do this simple thing?

Is this deliberate on your part or it's your default nature?


3. You conclude that He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully BUT the Wife herself said that her husband is WEAK!
Are you aware that some men have very low Libido? Their level of Testosterone is below average and thus both their drive, interest and strength are low!

As a man, if your wife has a naturally low libido, is the answer to divorce her because of this?

So, my brother!
My stance is to encourage her and give advice on remedying her situation because it is a one-sided story for now! Divorce or separation is the LAST option to be put on the table except her life or sanity is under immediate threat.

The first point of call is to see to the resolution of the problem from a one-sided point of view UNTIL the other partner can be made to come to the table.

A Fundamental mistake was made in their courtship. The objective is to build and repair their marriage and not to destroy it.

The problem with many is that they assume that LOVE is an emotion. But, no: LOVE is a CHOICE and COMMITMENT to Build the other Person at Personal Expense!

TenQ:
One of the first rules of marital counselling is never to judge or condemn until you have heard the back and forth from both parties.
Notwithstanding,
1. Since you've not heard from the man, how did you arrive at the notion that her husband is cruel, lazy and a fraud?


2. You claim that you see some of his traits in yourself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs. Since you know that your wife wants you to go out to club with her, why is it difficult for you to do this simple thing?

Is this deliberate on your part or it's your default nature?


3. You conclude that He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully BUT the Wife herself said that her husband is WEAK!
Are you aware that some men have very low Libido? Their level of Testosterone is below average and thus both their drive, interest and strength are low!

As a man, if your wife has a naturally low libido, is the answer to divorce her because of this?

So, my brother!
My stance is to encourage her and give advice on remedying her situation because it is a one-sided story for now! Divorce or separation is the LAST option to be put on the table except her life or sanity is under immediate threat.

The first point of call is to see to the resolution of the problem from a one-sided point of view UNTIL the other partner can be made to come to the table.

A Fundamental mistake was made in their courtship. The objective is to build and repair their marriage and not to destroy it.

The problem with many is that they assume that LOVE is an emotion. But, no: LOVE is a CHOICE and COMMITMENT to Build the other Person at Personal Expense!

I will respond to two points here:

1. You are correct that we must not judge, having not heard from the man... but certain things can be inferred from objective facts. Unless we believe she is 100% lying, a man who spends most of his time sleeping, refusing to pick up basic jobs to provide for his family, is rightfully described as "worse than an infidel" in 1 Timothy 5:8. That is the bible, not judging. Such a man does not deserve the title of "husband".

2. That love is a choice is not a unique insight to counselors only. Many of us make conscious choices every day to nurture a commitment. But I must add, marriage is not a shield to avoid living up to your responsibility. I doubt you would tell a man to commit to building his wife at personal expense if she were busy cheating. I did not read anywhere in the ops post that her problem with her husband was about emotions. She called out PRACTICAL reasons - doesn't work to support his home, is lazy, never bothers to ask how bills are paid, does not support his wife's ambitions, selfish, unhelpful, ungrateful, can't even be bothered to lead his family in prayer... I'm honestly struggling to connect your advice to anything she said.

You talk about building and repairing the marriage rather than tearing it down. From her words, it was never a marriage from day 1. So what is there to build, repair, or destroy? She is basically living in a roommate situation.

TWoods:
I will respond to two points here:

1. You are correct that we must not judge, having not heard from the man... but certain things can be inferred from objective facts. Unless we believe she is 100% lying, a man who spends most of his time sleeping, refusing to pick up basic jobs to provide for his family, is rightfully described as "worse than an infidel" in 1 Timothy 5:8. That is the bible, not judging. Such a man does not deserve the title of "husband".

She never said that her husband isn't working. She was concerned that he wasn't motivated to doing more. She used the example of him sleeping at 9pm as an example.

TWoods:
2. That love is a choice is not a unique insight to counselors only. Many of us make conscious choices every day to nurture a commitment. But I must add, marriage is not a shield to avoid living up to your responsibility. I doubt you would tell a man to commit to building his wife at personal expense if she were busy cheating. I did not read anywhere in the ops post that her problem with her husband was about emotions. She called out PRACTICAL reasons - doesn't work to support his home, is lazy, never bothers to ask how bills are paid, does not support his wife's ambitions, selfish, unhelpful, ungrateful, can't even be bothered to lead his family in prayer... I'm honestly struggling to connect your advice to anything she said.

The first solution to a marital problem is not Divorce. Divorce or Separation is only an option either when every solution proffered had been exhausted with no resolution in sight or the life or sanity of the other person is threatened.

Divorce is not a sin but we should also be mindful as Christians what the will of God is in marriage.

God says: I hate divorce! Because it is treachery both to God to whom we swore an oath and our partner when we were solemnising the marriage ...for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health....

I mentioned LOVE because of the lack of understanding of what Love is amongst married people. Love is NOT an emotion: love is a CHOICE we make in building the life of the other person.

We don't reject our children and take them to an orphanage when they are not compliant : the reason is because we chose to love them. When we can't do this for our spouse, it puts to question if we really do love our spouse in the first place

TWoods:
You talk about building and repairing the marriage rather than tearing it down. From her words, it was never a marriage from day 1. So what is there to build, repair, or destroy? She is basically living in a roommate situation.

It was marriage!
She only did not do her due diligence during courtship. Thus this is equally her fault.
She must have noticed these traits in him before marriage BUT she overlooked them.

The question every person in courtship should ask themselves is "Can I live with the consequences of each of his weaknesses!?"
If you cannot, why go on with the Wedding in the first place.

No one can change another person: it is an impossibility!
As you make your bed, so you sleep on it!

TenQ:
➜The question every person in courtship should ask themselves is "Can I live with the consequences of each of his weaknesses!?" If you cannot, why go on with the Wedding in the first place.
No one can change another person: it is an impossibility! As you make your bed, so you sleep on it!

@OP, please note how this new submission directly contradicts previous claims made by this same person, so-called marriage counselor? Earlier, this same person had claimed that through your submission to hell in marriage(struggle-love), you would eventually cause your husband to change.

It is the same way they have managed to convince 10s of millions of Nigerian women, all over the world, that through their numerous prayers and endurance in toxic, unhealthy, unfulfilling marriages, they could elicit change in husbands that literally hate them. Year after year, many of these women go to their graves — many due to the toxicity in their marriages — never seeing any of the changes promised them by their religious gods of men.

This is why I tell people to seek out a professional marriage counseling and none of these religious frauds out there. A professional counselor would not fill your brain with contradictory ideas— religion-filled biases, aka nonsense—, such as those this one has so far.

---

@OP, if you are intending to opt for separation, be sure to consult a lawyer to know what you might lose if you choose that route. Abroad, a married couple literally has almost everything joined together... bills, loans, etc. Even in separation, he remains your closest relative with legal access to your assets, your primary decision maker if anything happens, and so on. If during your separation, your husband takes out loans and all other things, you, as his wife, will have to have a part in paying back those bills. Talk to a lawyer before deciding on a separation alone.

TenQ:
She never said that her husband isn't working. She was concerned that he wasn't motivated to doing more. She used the example of him sleeping at 9 pm as an example.

Semantics. He "works" remotely at a Job that pays the equivalent of $340... rent alone in their apartment is $950. How can a man, a leader of his home, go to bed at 9p with this reality? Why isnt he motivated to assist his wife to cover the rest, let alone other household expenses, including the cost of the very cell phone he uses?

TenQ:
The first solution to a marital problem is not Divorce. Divorce or Separation is only an option either when every solution proffered had been exhausted with no resolution in sight or the life or sanity of the other person is threatened.

That is correct. But assumes that we have both partners pulling in the same direction. That's clearly not the case here. This is basically forcing a woman to bear with an abusive, indolent spouse.

TenQ:
I mentioned LOVE because of the lack of understanding of what Love is amongst married people. Love is NOT an emotion: love is a CHOICE we make in building the life of the other person.

Irrelevant. There is nothing in her post that suggests that her complaints are centered around her emotions. She has talked about practical realities - financial responsibilities on her shoulders alone, a husband who is unsupportive, abusive, indolent, unwilling to take on his role as a leader and provider, and who withholds his body from her for no justified reason. Those are CHOICES he makes, and no spouse should be forced to "build" a grown man into his basic responsibilities.

TenQ:
We don't reject our children and take them to an orphanage when they are not compliant : the reason is because we chose to love them. When we can't do this for our spouse, it puts to question if we really do love our spouse in the first place

Irrelevant. This is not a child, but a grown adult. Based on her account, there is a serious question as to whether her husband ever loved her in the first place. You're asking the wrong person.

TenQ:
It was marriage!
She only did not do her due diligence during courtship. Thus this is equally her fault.
She must have noticed these traits in him before marriage BUT she overlooked them.

Fully agree. She is at fault for marrying someone she felt was "spiritual" when it was all a cover for an empty shell of a person.

TenQ:
The question every person in courtship should ask themselves is "Can I live with the consequences of each of his weaknesses!?"
If you cannot, why go on with the Wedding in the first place.

Agreed. She made that mistake, she is not bound to continue to suffer in it. She has a CHOICE to leave.

TenQ:
No one can change another person: it is an impossibility!
As you make your bed, so you sleep on it!

But earlier, you encouraged her to "build" her spouse? Which is it?

Wow. Sorry ooo.

TWoods:
Semantics. He "works" remotely at a Job that pays the equivalent of $340... rent alone in their apartment is $950. How can a man, a leader of his home, go to bed at 9p with this reality? Why isnt he motivated to assist his wife to cover the rest, let alone other household expenses, including the cost of the very cell phone he uses?

So, you think laziness is a good ground for divorce!?

TWoods:
That is correct. But assumes that we have both partners pulling in the same direction. That's clearly not the case here. This is basically forcing a woman to bear with an abusive, indolent spouse.

You still forgot that she chose him for whatever her reasons AND she overlooked every danger sign while they were courting. Isn't it also her fault?

It is easy to blame the other person when marriage has problems.

TWoods:
Irrelevant. There is nothing in her post that suggests that her complaints are centered around her emotions. She has talked about practical realities - financial responsibilities on her shoulders alone, a husband who is unsupportive, abusive, indolent, unwilling to take on his role as a leader and provider, and who withholds his body from her for no justified reason. Those are CHOICES he makes, and no spouse should be forced to "build" a grown man into his basic responsibilities.

I never implied that her complaints were based on emotions. Neither did I ask her to build her husband. Check!

Like I said: I refuse to judge until I have heard the back and forth from the two parties.

TWoods:
Irrelevant. This is not a child, but a grown adult. Based on her account, there is a serious question as to whether her husband ever loved her in the first place. You're asking the wrong person.

The husband is not here so the question should be to the wife.
Does she love her husband?

TWoods:
Fully agree. She is at fault for marrying someone she felt was "spiritual" when it was all a cover for an empty shell of a person.

So, she should take responsibility for her actions and salvage her marriage

TWoods:
Agreed. She made that mistake, she is not bound to continue to suffer in it. She has a CHOICE to leave.

Many Christians take vows before God lightly
Many Christians don't understand what Love is
Many Christians refuse to take ownership of their faults: it's always the other person.

In any marital conflict, no one can be 100% correct and the partner 100% wrong.

Let everyone own up to their errors and mistakes and do their best to salvage it.

TWoods:
But earlier, you encouraged her to "build" her spouse? Which is it?

Never once did I ask her to do the impossibility of building her husband. I asked her to build her marriage. It's not the same thing sir.

Kobojunkie:
@OP, please note how this new submission directly contradicts previous claims made by this same person, so-called marriage counselor? Earlier, this same person had claimed that through your submission to hell in marriage(struggle-love), you could change your husband.

It is the same way they have managed to convince 10s of millions of Nigerian women, all over the world, that through their numerous prayers and endurance in toxic, unhealthy, unfulfilling marriages, they could elicit change in husbands that literally hate them. Year after year, many of these women go to their graves — many due to the toxicity in their marriages — never seeing any of the changes promised them by their religious gods of men.

This is why I tell people to seek out a professional marriage counseling and none of these religious frauds out there that what they do amounts to counseling. A professional counselor would not fill your brain with contradictory ideas— religion-filled biases, aka nonsense—, such as those this one has so far.

---

@OP, if you are intending to opt for separation, be sure to consult a lawyer to know what you might lose if you choose that route. Abroad, a married couple literally has almost everything joined together... bills, loans, etc. Even in separation, he remains your closest relative with legal access to your assets, your primary decision maker if anything happens, and so on. If during your separation, your husband takes out loans and all other things, you, as his wife, will have to have a part in paying back those bills. Talk to a lawyer before deciding on a separation alone.

Why don't you quote me properly

Kobojunkie:
@OP, please note how this new submission directly contradicts previous claims made by this same person, so-called marriage counselor? Earlier, this same person had claimed that through your submission to hell in marriage(struggle-love), you could change your husband.

It is the same way they have managed to convince 10s of millions of Nigerian women, all over the world, that through their numerous prayers and endurance in toxic, unhealthy, unfulfilling marriages, they could elicit change in husbands that literally hate them. Year after year, many of these women go to their graves — many due to the toxicity in their marriages — never seeing any of the changes promised them by their religious gods of men.

This is why I tell people to seek out a professional marriage counseling and none of these religious frauds out there that what they do amounts to counseling. A professional counselor would not fill your brain with contradictory ideas— religion-filled biases, aka nonsense—, such as those this one has so far.

---

@OP, if you are intending to opt for separation, be sure to consult a lawyer to know what you might lose if you choose that route. Abroad, a married couple literally has almost everything joined together... bills, loans, etc. Even in separation, he remains your closest relative with legal access to your assets, your primary decision maker if anything happens, and so on. If during your separation, your husband takes out loans and all other things, you, as his wife, will have to have a part in paying back those bills. Talk to a lawyer before deciding on a separation alone.

Thanks so much.
I really appreciate and I am so logical, A very logical person as you are and everything you write, my head screams in agreement constantly, however life just doesn't work logically.
- It doesn't and shouldn't occur that trump would make a statement and stock market and all would react to only his voice and tumble down in some cases.
- It doesn't make sense that you are pulling a strong and another person just wont hold the other end for the both of you when it would benefit you both.

The Thing is husband even lost even the Nigeria job he is doing that was bringing about 340 USD monthly

- It now seems like he is willing to explore the other alternative i have been shouting that can bring additional 2500 USD today which I have been mentioning and begging and pleading in the last 9 months but of course its because he lost the other.

At least he asked me about it today

I watched marriage sermons a lot feeling all ready for marriage and all, sermons that tell what to look out for in courtship and all, but its funny how we end up ignoring this traits still courtship even with every knowledge we know, is it love that is blind or desperation or what? even me I dont know. I was ignoring it for a while but last minute, i knew i broke off the relationship, lost his contact and that of his family etc. But then my mum then called me and told me that she thinks he looks quiet and all and i should not spoil my relationship and all. I was allowing the devil use me. I broke off because at that moment I was asking him what value I am to him and he was like in the future I would be but he couldn't pinpoint now... sometimes i would be confused. even my friends can tell what value i bring so why cant he. I would wonder if he dont even understand what is saying? should I force a answer to that? am i being paranoid by feeling he should be able to mention with joy the value I add to him? Am I overdoing by asking all that, and having him give me an answer that shows no depth of care or love.

He would say "he didn't say I am of no value to him", and then I would say "but you never said i am of value to you either". and he would give an example of "how someone may not give much value now but can be in the future", so then i would be like maybe this guy doesn't know the gravity of what he is saying and all, maybe i am asking too many questions too that is making me get unnecessary answers.

Eventually now, I feel that if he really didn't see value in me even as a to joke, then just maybe it felt that way to him for real (that's he felt i have added nothing to him at that point, advise is no addition to him because he would never take it until things crash until they pursued him out of this job for example. so because he wont even take it, you are of no value in all you say. And maybe at that time, I hadn't even given him any millions or anything so what value can i be, he was only doing his visa to come join me then still I was of no value maybe because i wouldn't pay the air fair or told him to find who to borrow money for proof of funds from because he can't leave me to hustle that for him when he is busy telling me that he can't ask people or his friends himself), question is why proceed to marry a lady you can't state the value she adds. another question is even if you are joking, why would such a lady proceed to marry you too.

His mother rarely even calls me anyways, dropped calls for her but no response but she remembers to call her son. I am sha watching. Well, maybe I called her with the foreign line WhatsApp and she doesn't know its me though. because i have been off my Nigerian line WhatsApp a bit.

I have been a bit sick though, cant even read for my exams, it may be tied to him but not really though at this moment, its getting to winter and its so damn affecting my mood, making me a bit isolated. I might need to get some vitamin D

I really do appreciate every counsel here and dont take for granted.

I want to observe his reaction too now. would he work together for us to feed ourselves or what happens.

I dont even want to think of what extra blow the USD 340 job loss would be on the finance that doesn't even exist in the first place.

I may just take time to watch grey's anatomy and forget my sorrows..... because mehnnnnn...... its tough

thank you so much !!!!!!! i appreciate everybody. I am so grateful for time you took to type / advice etc . Its alot. dont take for granted

breadtoaster:
Thanks so much.
I really appreciate and I am so logical, A very logical person as you are and everything you write, my head screams in agreement constantly, however life just doesn't work logically.
- It doesn't and shouldn't occur that trump would make a statement and stock market and all would react to only his voice and tumble down in some cases.
- It doesn't make sense that you are pulling a strong and another person just wont hold the other end for the both of you when it would benefit you both.

The Thing is husband even lost even the Nigeria job he is doing that was bringing about 340 USD monthly

- It now seems like he is willing to explore the other alternative i have been shouting that can bring additional 2500 USD today which I have been mentioning and begging and pleading in the last 9 months but of course its because he lost the other.

At least he asked me about it today

I watched marriage sermons a lot feeling all ready for marriage and all, sermons that tell what to look out for in courtship and all, but its funny how we end up ignoring this traits still courtship even with every knowledge we know, is it love that is blind or desperation or what? even me I dont know. I was ignoring it for a while but last minute, i knew i broke off the relationship, lost his contact and that of his family etc. But then my mum then called me and told me that she thinks he looks quiet and all and i should not spoil my relationship and all. I was allowing the devil use me. I broke off because at that moment I was asking him what value I am to him and he was like in the future I would be but he couldn't pinpoint now... sometimes i would be confused. even my friends can tell what value i bring so why cant he. I would wonder if he dont even understand what is saying? should I force a answer to that? am i being paranoid by feeling he should be able to mention with joy the value I add to him? Am I overdoing by asking all that, and having him give me an answer that shows no depth of care or love.

He would say "he didn't say I am of no value to him", and then I would say "but you never said i am of value to you either". and he would give an example of "how someone may not give much value now but can be in the future", so then i would be like maybe this guy doesn't know the gravity of what he is saying and all, maybe i am asking too many questions too that is making me get unnecessary answers.

Eventually now, I feel that if he really didn't see value in me even as a to joke, then just maybe it felt that way to him for real (that's he felt i have added nothing to him at that point, advise is no addition to him because he would never take it until things crash until they pursued him out of this job for example. so because he wont even take it, you are of no value in all you say. And maybe at that time, I hadn't even given him any millions or anything so what value can i be, he was only doing his visa to come join me then still I was of no value maybe because i wouldn't pay the air fair or told him to find who to borrow money for proof of funds from because he can't leave me to hustle that for him when he is busy telling me that he can't ask people or his friends himself), question is why proceed to marry a lady you can't state the value she adds. another question is even if you are joking, why would such a lady proceed to marry you too.

His mother rarely even calls me anyways, dropped calls for her but no response but she remembers to call her son. I am sha watching. Well, maybe I called her with the foreign line WhatsApp and she doesn't know its me though. because i have been off my Nigerian line WhatsApp a bit.

I have been a bit sick though, cant even read for my exams, it may be tied to him but not really though at this moment, its getting to winter and its so damn affecting my mood, making me a bit isolated. I might need to get some vitamin D

I really do appreciate every counsel here and dont take for granted.

I want to observe his reaction too now. would he work together for us to feed ourselves or what happens.

I dont even want to think of what extra blow the USD 340 job loss would be on the finance that doesn't even exist in the first place.

I may just take time to watch grey's anatomy and forget my sorrows..... because mehnnnnn...... its tough

thank you so much !!!!!!! i appreciate everybody. I am so grateful for time you took to type / advice etc . Its alot. dont take for granted

The truth is you may not have all your expectations met and still be together. Marriage is hardwork as you have come to experience.

At least, necessity has forced him to give you his attention. Help him wherever you can for the good of the relationship. Maybe he will change for the better in other areas in time.

I wish you speedy recovery.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

From all you have written and I read, I think you are the only one in that marriage

You need a break to think well if you can cope with this especially when you start having children

breadtoaster:
Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition. I think Ibukun Awosika mentioned something like that too, one of her sermons, A woman said something about having to do everything and her husband not being there, trust me its draining but of course, no one remembers your mental health in such condition. She said in that program that she should be happy he isn't stopping her from pursuing her goals and she should leave him. that so far he sha finds one work to do or something like that. that should be enough. That it could be worse, where he would even stop her. so she is in a good place.

I guess learning to live and be happy with someone without having all you want / basic support you shouldnt even be getting from outside is a skill one needs to learn.

Some of us, just grew not being able to lie to ourselves when thing arent right or tell our selves to pretend all is right and have to learn now.

Yesterday I complained of urges and at least he made use of his hand, he didn't just leave me. Thats a thing to be thankful for. I am not sure he is ready to Bleep me normal in his mind, even though the prick is rising.

Further more he painted an illusion that he thinks his brother's wife is advising me wrongly. cus d first day i went to visit the brother wife and the brother, i told her to tell me truth as her younger sister things i need to know. she mentioned they weren't grateful people even if you remove your liver and all etc., and my husband and another of his brother behaves like woman, and they gaslight (i didn't really even know what behave like a woman means).

And stupidly one happy day, I mentioned what she told me to him (I was mistakenly pushed to cus he asked how i enjoyed myself, what we jisted, blablabla, to say everything, nothing to hide, to trust him, whether good or bad whether its even me that insulted him i should sha be open its no judgment zone), apparently, he told his brother, told his mother etc. Since then his brother has been hurt, he said its a lie blablabla, but he wont want to spoil my relationship with her and he would stomach it.

i wondered why my husband told his brother, does he want to destroy their marriage?

when staying with my sister, i didn't necessarily like everything her husband used style to say to me but i just take it as normal or be like if me too don hustle, I wont be here hearing what i dont want to hear. but i know telling my sister can cause issues or at least cause fight of i dont like what you told my younger sister or something. so me too respect myself.

So over time if he did something or not pushing to support and I say cant you see how i am struggling, you dont pity me, i would later just say, umm let me strengthen my mind, dem don tell me say you no dey grateful before (call that one of my bad characters).

so he feels i am in constant communication with her and hinted again to the already angry brother that its like we are in conversation and his wife is still advising me wrongly. it was a joint call that day so i know for sure he repeated it again to his brother.

Anyways, i have messaged and called his wife since then twice, she isn't picking or responding not sure what her husband has finally gone to tell her.

its fine i take responsibility, me and my big mouth.

But i just wonder, if he would tell his brother such knowing it can damage their home, how devoted would he be to ours? the brother stomached this talk to keep his home but he keeps reminding him what his wife may be doing as if to make him vent finally.

He always told me he counsels marriage, he has no problem etc. May God bless you to date someone that can praise himself, and when ou enter you realize the hype is more than the reality.

I am asking him if his brother ever mentioned to him now that he spoke to his wife about this and he said he doesn't know.

she's not responding and since he came, he has even said he won't go to their house.

He has told me I am not God, that because sometimes i would say lets go back to Nigeria (he feels am threatening him), meanwhile i always worry that it wasn't this bad there and things may be better for us there. I think I am God because of the immigration thing and all. It would hurt so deep because never for one did I say even if we go back, you go back alone. talks like this still made me feel this guy isn't someone that knows how to count his blessings.

Because he wanted me to marry him before coming here sef and be processing the paper while he chills back home, then he would now come. Even here he would always tell me, I should not worry when his paper comes. Immediately he landed, he encouraged me to do the court wedding here within a month. I remember my sister and parents warning me to slow down. dont let anyone rush you.

It was right after I think he stopped being sweet and started complaining that i dance etc. etc. It was then I asked why we were so smooth one month before the court wedding. though he says I am lying, because I was like you didn't complain I did all these things in that one month.

At this point, I am not God, and I agree, Let God work out his papers using him himself or another person.

We have been in the house since yesterday its quiet as a graveyard. only basic comments, hello, wen i entered, and wont you come and sleep when I didn't see him come to bed and the time i told him i was Hot and he used his hand.

How do people find their peace, in this kind of environment.

I swear i didn't learn it before, how to sit somewhere and be having your peace when you know all is not well.

And now I need to learn it.

Thank you so much for counsel. At this point, I would just pray for God's will and watch the way he is watching.

Watching doesn't solve problem, Am just tired of trying to fix what another phlegmatic person's temperament doesn't even feel the need to work on to fix.

I would keep praying, do only the basics on my end too and wait for God's will

Madam kukuma leave the man.
Because u guys or u aren't tolerant


Which one be he behaves like a woman? He can't ble1ep u, he does this and that chai.

Abeg oh

TenQ:
As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

This is some serious advice EVERY relationship could use. Its basically saying don't try to change or re-arrange your partner. Love them as they are - flaws and all because we ourselves are not perfect.

breadtoaster:
make me feel like a woman that needs love? protect me when some evil devils who pretend they know how to love start lurking around in the near future and I am sex starved for weeks?

Na UK you dey o. Prepare to be sex starved for weeks if not months on end. The stress of work and all in the UK can kill anyones libido so prepare for a potentially sexless marriage if you want to live in the UK.

Out of concern, I asked ChatGPT a few questions to see if it could proffer a solution and below is what it came back with :-

💷 1. Financial Imbalance and Role Reversal

In many African cultural contexts, the man traditionally feels responsible for providing. When he’s unable to work due to immigration status, that can cause a deep sense of inadequacy or loss of identity.
Meanwhile, the wife becomes the sole breadwinner — often working long hours in stressful, low-paying jobs. She may feel overwhelmed, unsupported, or resentful, even if she loves her partner.

This power imbalance — one feeling useless, the other overburdened — often leads to tension and emotional distance, which kills desire on both sides.

🧠 2. Stress and Psychological Weight

The couple is living under chronic uncertainty: “When will the papers come through? Can we afford next month’s rent? What if I lose my job?”
This kind of survival stress suppresses sexual desire — especially for the partner under constant pressure (often the wife). Her brain is in “fight or flight” mode, not “rest and connect.”

💔 3. Gender and Cultural Expectations

If the wife grew up in a culture where men are seen as protectors/providers, it can be confusing or even shameful to find herself as the only provider. She may feel her husband should “man up,” while he may feel humiliated and retreat emotionally.
Meanwhile, she can feel sex-starved — craving closeness and affection — but finds it hard to initiate because resentment and fatigue get in the way.

🗣️ 4. Communication Breakdown

Many immigrant couples avoid talking openly about these feelings because it feels risky — “I don’t want to make things worse.” But silence breeds distance.
Without honest communication about stress, shame, and desire, both partners start feeling misunderstood and rejected.

🛏️ 5. Emotional Disconnection → Sexual Disconnection

Sex rarely exists in isolation; it mirrors the emotional climate. If a couple feels unheard, unsupported, or burdened by survival worries, intimacy often disappears — even when one partner wants it desperately.

💡 What Helps

Here are some things that can make a real difference:

Name the stress, not the blame.
Instead of “You don’t touch me anymore,” try “I miss being close to you — I know we’re both stressed, but I need us to reconnect.”

Small physical affection.
Even simple touch — hugs, holding hands, sitting close — can rebuild trust and safety.

Counselling (including free options).
Charities like Relate, Refugee Council, and Mind offer low-cost or culturally sensitive couples therapy — often with counsellors who understand migration stress.

Community and support networks.
Many African diaspora groups and churches provide community support and shared experiences that ease isolation.

Financial or immigration advice.
Sometimes reducing uncertainty (even by getting proper legal advice on visa/work rights) can lower stress enough for the couple to reconnect emotionally and sexually.

Ilekokonit:
This is some serious advice EVERY relationship could use. Its basically saying don't try to change or re-arrange your partner. Love them as they are - flaws and all because we ourselves are not perfect.

Perfectly said!
We can scarcely change ourselves!
And even God Himself doesn't force anyone to change.

What make us think we can change someone else!?

Whenever we try to force a change in marriage, something must break. It may be us or our partner or our marriage.

Thanks for your thoughtful comment.