₦airaland Forum

pansophist:
Old age loneliness is not an unusual thing, and kids should not be burdened with the responsibilities of not making their parents feel lonely.

There are ways things like this can be handled. One is adoption. Kids bring vitality to the household by their mere presence, and it’s a natural pairing of two parties that needs each other.

Kids needs training, knowledge, stability and finance. Old parents probably have accumulated all these, and can give it to the children, while having them around to do house chores and enjoy their energy.

Every smart person that can calculate the totality of situations can tell that mr Ned is polygamous for the reasons I outlined above. So in addition to adoption, polygamy is also another way.

Wealthy men will rather trust their own blood, than adopt or let non-blood descendants to inherit their empire. Westerners have made peace with this things hence, they dominate the adoption market globally.

Westerners have not made peace with anything, they have only accepted the reality and the society has adjusted to their situation.
The difference between them and Nigeria is that government and governance are actually for the need of the people. They have found ways to put laws and structures in place to mitigate these issues. The outcomes might not be perfect, but they go a long way toward improving the quality of life for the elderly.
From the discussions here, one common theme arises, which is to make money, enough to sustain one’s old age. But it is not really so in the western society. From an outsider perspective, the western culture cold be seen as individualistic but the truth is that they have collective safety net. If you ever held a job , just any job in western society, there is a social safety net paid in by everyone that pays regular monthly income apart from retirement investments. With financial stability, almost every aspect of loneliness is mitigated.

Must elderly people who lived responsibly can do a lot when immediate family members are out of the house. They could go on cruises , luxury vacations , camp out in luxury cabins, go shopping on daily basis, dine out mostly.
They also have structured elderly communities. These places have other residents like themselves, which make connections easier. They usually have group gym time, dinning, games , movies , dance classes which creates opportunities for interaction,

Now, there is also the medical needs which are prepaid with Medicare. Some have one to one direct care staff like nurses and Aides all day long in their residence. Such a person would not be too lonely, and at the same time getting the benefits of medical care.
So, you see that the level of loneliness is much lower when the right structures are available. Our government must do more to ensure that laws and policies are made to protect the elderly in general. Men obviously would benefit from this.

pocohantas:
80% of the ones giving hot takes here do not care about their fathers. I have male friends and colleagues who don't mention their fathers. Some I thought their fathers are dead until they passively mentioned him. If it is a topic telling them their mothers are their dad's love, not the child (son), they will start foaming in the mouth. Yenyenyen, you will be a mother too. Of course I will and it is not my kids place to put me above their spouses. They will carry their mother and put for head, ignoring their fathers. Same cycle every year. Ego would never allow they listen and learn.

Help me understand please, so are you blaming the sons for experiencing their fathers?

Bahamas95:
➜When you plan your life very well no child would forget you in old age. Parenting is not only about providing food and shelter for your children. Build that conscience and connection with them at a young age.

Exactly!

olabrad:
➜Some of them will still do shiit despite being intentional with their lives

Stop lying! Only about 1%-4% of the human population has such sociopathic tendencies. The vast majority of the populace know to appreciate those with whom they are connected or bonded.

Tendd:
All the comments here ,no one lay emphasis on consistent exercise.What is happening to many of us? Nothing comes closer to longevity than exercises.Some old people have money but can barely walk.

No doubt exercising is important but we can’t say everything at once.

No comment; next question

gift2xl:
Always prepare for your old age, try to put things in place that will sustain your life and do not depend on your children.

In conclusion treat your wife well always.

Even if you treated your wife like God, these things are bound to happen. Children just sees their mom more. And wives always remember the little you did not do.

Kobojunkie:
What is described in the OP has nothing to do with nature, but the result of human action, or in this case, inaction. This is the typical end of men who refuse to bond emotionally, mentally, and physically with their children and wives, or with their siblings and friends. This phenomenon has been studied, and yes, there is a male loneliness epidemic today, a result of the pattern of refusal by many men to connect in meaningful ways with their very friends and family when the chance to do so was before them. 🥱🥱🥱

2. Trying to further brainwash your baby boys into worshipping you will not remove the problem. Men need to learn to become emotionally and socially intelligent human beings, like humans are supposed to be. The onus is on men to learn to become better human beings overall, so they can connect with their fellow human beings on a level that best works for the species; stop expecting that you can use others to do the work for you. 🥱🥱

I agree some men are not connecting well with their children and wives. However, some cases go beyond this connection. There are many good, caring and generous men that ended up lonely once they become unable and weak. Women do not even need to connect for her children to be fond of her. It's nature. People assume men can survive. But men face worse situation when the wife is unforgiven of some things the man did and go on to emotionally bias her children's mind against the father. These thing happen.

Webmasterchidi:
➜This one hit me deep. Too often we dey celebrate mothers, dey pamper them, and forget say fathers too get feelings and need connection. E no be about money or gifts, na presence, conversation, small small gestures dey matter most.
➜ I dey wonder, how many of us really dey check on our fathers just to hear how dem dey, not only during holidays or birthdays? I think this thread suppose make all of us pause and reflect—maybe today na the day we reach out and spend proper time with our fathers before e late.

That's because the vast majority of African fathers do not do the work necessary to create a healthy connection with their own children, as most mothers do. And yes, some mothers do not do the work necessary to create a healthy connection with their children as well. These connections are not biological but are obtained through doing the needed work.

2. If you do not feel connected to your father, you will not check on him, and it is not necessarily your fault as the child that such a connection does not exist. (There are many stories out there about how fathers and mothers of children who have been identified as having sociopathic tendencies needing to have to continue working on building that connection with their kids well into adulthood.)🥱🥱

yongg:
I would prefer to believe you didn't understand that bolded part. She was referring to the fact that the children were becoming adults hence the bonding time left was dwindling so that the dad/father figure could utilize it while it was available because once lost it'd be difficult to recreate the opportunity.

And I believe it is a good thing, optimizing utility of time windows, how is that spoiling children?

Read the paragraph again and again to comprehend. Maybe then you will get the sense and bigger picture(consequential part) of my reply to her which might come to you if you understand that there's no METAPHOR in her statement, because I believe she wrote her heart there and she mean it literally, no lies( especially the bolded part)

Mayflowa:
➜I agree some men are not connecting well with their children and wives. However, some cases go beyond this connection. There are many good, caring and generous men that ended up lonely once they become unable and weak.
➜ Women do not even need to connect for her children to be fond of her. It's nature.
➜ People assume men can survive.
➜ But men face worse situation when the wife is unforgiven of some things the man did and go on to emotionally bias her children's mind against the father. These thing happen.

This is an erroneous belief that is born mostly of ignorance and not of truth. What you describe has been noted to occur with parents whose children are identified as having sociopathic tendencies, and these people make up only about 1%-to-4% of the population — outliers. For the vast majority of the population, however, the typical is that the connection that exists between parents and their children remains intact well into adulthood.

2. Wrong! This is a terrible miconception. Women also need to put in work to build that emotional, social and physical connection they desire to have with their children. Go on the family section and you will find just as many stories of adult children distancing themselves from their mothers as you will find those of adults children going no contact with their fathers. There is nothing of nature of what you describe. It is all work, not magic.

3. Again, this is yet another lie. No one assumes men can survive because men are human beings and humans beings are social animals who thrive on the connection that exists between each other.

4. Wrong! Children are not stewpid... that is the simply answer here. The moment you accept and realize this, then you will know that the same work a woman has to do to get her children's forgiveness is the same exact same work expected of their father. It is simple. You can bully your way into being forgiven by your children(even as adults). So, if you are not wiling to do the work needed, don't bother having kids altogether, whether you are a man or a woman.

Osiris12:
➜im not sure about what you wrote.
Mom died when I was young. Dad picked up both roles. Including cooking and going to the market. He go sneak into our bathroom to check on our toiletries. He once gave me money to take my gf on a date

. Fathers are supposed to be present and engaged. Not present and absent, like many African fathers like to think they can be in the lives of their own children.

Webmasterchidi:
➜This really struck me. We celebrate mothers, shower them with love, and yet so often fathers quietly bear the weight of loneliness. They may not speak much, but they feel deeply. How many of us truly sit with our fathers, ask about their day, or just spend time listening? Life moves fast, and one day the house is empty, and it hits too late. This is a wake-up call—to love, to notice, to be present with the men who raised us before it’s too late.

Fathers who are present and engaged in the lives of their children are celebrated same as mothers who are present and engaged in the lives of their children. 🥱🥱

It is fathers who are absent and fathers who are present but disengaged from the lives of their children that are not celebrated in much the same way that absent mothers and mothers who are present but disengaged from the lives of their children also go uncelebrated.🥱🥱

Toosure70:
Reason you need another wife and children at age of 50, be wise men your fore fathers are not mumu. Stop following white dey marry one wife.

And if you happen to reach age 74 — when the kids you had in your 50s are all grown and in their 20s — you will need to marry yet more wives and have more children, abi?

Tufiakwa! 🥱🥱🥱🥱

U no lie jare,but Christianity forbids two wife's

Trymeee:
Truth is their is nothing in marriage for an average man. Maybe to help the woman raise the kids. How do I mean, most kids sees and takes care of their mums before the dad's (if at all the dad) I will always tell most married men I see to invest into their future and not make any child or wife their plans or hope for happiness. Marry as much wives if it makes you happy Las Las, one of them will always be there.

Kobojunkie:
This is an erroneous belief that is born mostly of ignorance and not of truth. What you describe has been noted to occur with parents whose children are identified as having sociopathic tendencies, and these people make up only about 1%-to-4% of the population — outliers. For the vast majority of the population, however, the typical is that the connection that exists between parents and their children remains intact well into adulthood.

2. Wrong! This is a terrible miconception. Women also need to put in work to build that emotional, social and physical connection they desire to have with their children. Go on the family section and you will find just as many stories of adult children distancing themselves from their mothers as you will find those of adults children going no contact with their fathers. There is nothing of nature of what you describe. It is all work, not magic.

3. Again, this is yet another lie. No one assumes men can survive because men are human beings and humans beings are social animals who thrive on the connection that exists between each other.

4. Wrong! Children are not stewpid... that is the simply answer here. The moment you accept and realize this, then you will know that the same work a woman has to do to get her children's forgiveness is the same exact same work expected of their father. It is simple. You can bully your way into being forgiven by your children(even as adults). So, if you are not wiling to do the work needed, don't bother having kids altogether, whether you are a man or a woman.

I know you like standing by your argument. This is a man's truth. We know these things and we know how it plays out. Even in abroad where men are highly invested in their kid's life- Take them to games, movies , camping and several other social bonding events. The adults still abandon their dads. Abandon is a strong word to use anyway - I mean the kids don't really care for the dads as the dad cared for them. These do not apply to all children. I am saying, it's a commonplace in Nigeria and abroad.

It's possible kids have faith their parents can survive being that parents have been the one providing for them and switching that role may become hard to take. Because dads tend to provide more at home, the more likely the adult children assume dads can survive by himself.

Flangelo12:
➜Your personal experience is not a yardstick for all fathers. Some of us had the best fathers one could imagine.

Tell them!

Mayflowa:
➜I know you like standing by your argument. This is a man's truth. We know these things and we know how it plays out.
➜ Even in abroad where men are highly invested in their kid's life- Take them to games, movies , camping and several other social bonding events. The adults still abandon their dads. Abandon is a strong word to use anyway - I mean the kids don't really care for the dads as the dad cared for them.
➜ These do not apply to all children. I am saying, it's a commonplace in Nigeria and abroad.
➜ It's possible kids have faith their parents can survive being that parents have been the one providing for them and switching that role may become hard to take. Because dads tend to provide more at home, the more likely the adult children assume dads can survive by himself.

Stop pretending your private delusions apply to all men. There are men out there who were very good fathers to their children, and those children reveal this by the fact that they remain by the side of their father until even before the end.

2. Stop lying! Unless in cases where the kids had sociopathic tendencies from the beginning, the connections built during those formative years remain way into adulthood.

3. The majority of Nigerian fathers fall under the absent or present but detached classification. Children who were raised in healthy homes are far and in between, and even when you find them, you will find that the connection they had with their present and engaged caregiver from their childhood remains well into their adulthood.

4. Wrong! Children are not stewpid, and they aren't imbe-ciles in adulthood. They know very well that as their parents age, it becomes even more difficult for them to provide for themselves.

Kobojunkie:
Stop lying! Only about 1%-4% of the human population has such sociopathic tendencies. The vast majority of the populace know to appreciate those with whom they are connected or bonded.

You said I'm lying but still went ahead to confirm my statement.

Junkie Head!

olabrad:
➜You said I'm lying but still went ahead to confirm my statement. Junkie Head!

Trying to use the rare cases attributed to people who may have sociopathic tendencies, a severe minority in every population, to gauge occurrences among the majority is what is a lie, i.e., of falsehood. Nothing that I stated confirms any of your claims. Please, work on your language comprehension skills. I think I have said this to you many times before.

dollypi:
Have these men complained of loneliness? O you're assuming on their behalf?

Did you read d story at all?

Kobojunkie:
Trying to use the rare cases attributed to people who may have sociopathic tendencies, a severe minority in every population to guage the majority is what is a lie .i.e of falsehood. Nothing of what I stated confirms any of your claim. Please, work on your language comprehension skills. I think I have said this to you many times before.

"Some" and 4%, can you tell me the difference?

4% of 7 billion humans on earth is a substantial number.

I understand that your unriasonable, chaildish brand of feminism won't enable you understand that

pocohantas:
80% of the ones giving hot takes here do not care about their fathers. I have male friends and colleagues who don't mention their fathers. Some I thought their fathers are dead until they passively mentioned him. If it is a topic telling them their mothers are their dad's love, not the child (son), they will start foaming in the mouth. Yenyenyen, you will be a mother too. Of course I will and it is not my kids place to put me above their spouses. They will carry their mother and put for head, ignoring their fathers. Same cycle every year. Ego would never allow they listen and learn.

The ego is definitely diff from what we studied in school.

All of them around me here behave the same way. What will it take to be humane around your male kids?

So many see that behaviour as tough love.
Goodluck to them.

So many misconceptions end up hurting men later in life. From a young age, many men are taught that their only value lies in providing , working endlessly to take care of their wife or wives, children, extended family, siblings — while quietly forgetting themselves in the process.

But being a man is more than paying bills.

Dear men, please make time for your children, especially during their adolescent years. Tell them you love them. Let them know you care. Share your sacrifices, your struggles, and your hopes for them. Don’t only give money to your family — give your presence. Be emotionally available. Listen to your children. Support them. Help them build emotional strength by showing your own humanity.

Children who grow up without your time will slowly learn to live without you. Long before they leave home, they may already be used to your absence. And when they finally step into the world on their own, your presence may no longer feel essential to them — not because they don’t care, but because they were never taught to expect you.

It’s also important to protect your children from being burdened with adult conflicts. When marriages break down, children should not become emotional dumping grounds or referees. I learned this from a friend whose father was caught cheating. When things worsened, he explained everything to his children ,the pain, the betrayal, even intimate details of how their mother denied him affection for years. The children were forced to mediate and heal wounds they never caused. That kind of honesty, though raw, requires maturity ,but it also shows how deeply adult choices affect young hearts.

Men, let us learn from this.

Build close, honest, and healthy relationships with your children. Build life with them, not just a life for them. Be present, be kind, be emotionally engaged.

Because when old age comes, it won’t be money that keeps children close , it will be love, memories, and the bond you nurtured along the way.

MrSamsung:
What's the meaning of the bolded(are you that condescending towards your husband, just because the kids are taller they're no longer kids?) and the rest of your posts? You are using your own hands and mind to spoil your children and family but you just don't know it yet.

Hey,I am not a sentimental or an emotional being, so take this your emotional jargon to people like you who need it.

66uvie:
I concur here, make sure you have money or you are financially comfortable at old age, my definition of financial comfortability here is 1 million naira dropping into your account every month without working. it enables you to move around and socialize, people will come around you like flies, Men will come for drinks and gisting while women will come for the usual, which we all know. I remember my father been in his 70s and he never complained of loneliness. He was financially comfortable and had two wives to his beck and call. Nigerian women don't request for much, give them free accommodation and at least two meals a day and you are good to go.

@ bold:

Na so we cheap reach?

Chai!

pocohantas:
Every market day, same topic, followed by whining from men who have fathers. Then advice on marrying multiple wives. Still trying to put emotional and retirement labour on women. Same women you don't benefit anything from marrying. Rather than implore yourselves to take care of your fathers. In my house, the only person showing my father shege is his fellow man (his ONLY son). But no, let's blame feminism, mothers and menstraution.

Mtcheeeeew!

For a logical gender, logic flies past them all the time.

Whew!

descarado:
Hey,I am not a sentimental or an emotional being, so take this your emotional jargon to people like you who need it.

Then this particular reply of yours just betrayed you. Maybe you are a great liar and terrible person, maybe you are not.

akaahs:
U just describe my path of life.
Before I got married, I told my wife I only want to have 2 at most 3 children left to me one is even ok because I no come this world to pay or carry so many responsibilities beyond my capability after the shege wey I see as first born of 7 children.

I can imagine.

Dalohad:
➜My father raised me and was 100% present in my life.. While in school, he would visit unexpectedly. Have a problem with a course, he would see the lecturer or seek counsel from the HOD. He was there up till Doctoral level cheering me on all my wins.
When he sick, I was ready to empty all my saving on his hospital bills and I did. No regrets. Only men can mold men. My father moulded men and women in all professions, including many that were not his own children. Businessmen, Doctors, Economists, Scientists, Pharmacists, Engrs, Industrialists, lawyers he has had trained them all. He loves education, even though he had little of it. I told him yesterday, that his name will live longer him..He smiled.

What you described is a good father; the vast majority of Nigerians(including those posting comments glorifying disconnected fathers) were raised by sperm donors who felt their only duty was to provide from afar.

66uvie:
.....God should have added that Man should have money also to stave off loneliness.

"The man" in question was Adam and only Adam. But sadly, these Christians and every other religious nutjob out there would rather lift that statement out of context in attempts to justify even the most foolish of ideas they have to deceive others with. 🥱🥱

A father who was never there for his kids and family should be prepared for such life

Lukuluku69:
Build support systems around you even if you won't be needing them( you will actually need them someday)

Be part of your kids Life. Be a Present Dad. Make memories out of everyday life, School runs, Dimmer times etc.

Make them you friends and have listening hears to things they say.

If when you have to reprimand, don't go to the extreme or do it in an extreme manner.

Make sure your own Retirement Plan is solid. (Your house, stream of income at least for Food and Drugs)

Above all, be prayerful that God put mercy in their hearts for you.

And if after all these and many more, you find them leaving and you staying alone, lay it not to heart. This life is a mystery of sorts.

Think Good Thoughts in your heart because one day, they might just be what you will live with/by.

Be prepared.

I love your comment. There's no heaping blames on the wives as the cause of men's loneliness. Just good advice for them.

I'll add : be good to your wives, because they'll often return the energy you gave them early on.

Wives, be good to your husbands, don't say bad things about them, when they are not around, to the children. They'll eventually see for themselves who their father is. Help your men, they're doing a lot for the family.

Let love lead.