₦airaland Forum

Destigmatizing Divorce

Destigmatizing divorce is a necessity in this generation. Divorce is not a sign of failure. Marriage is not the ultimate purpose of this life, being married is not the biggest achievement and the purpose of marriage is to enjoy it and not to fight for it. If you find yourself fighting for your marriage just know that the war may never come to an end and even if you will win few battles you may still end up not winning the war. A turbulent home is a war without end where a woman will be forced to walk on egg shells every single day and simply issues that can easily be resolved with maturity turn to a time bomb. Living in a turbulent home feels like living in a war front. The slightest issues gets over blown and misinterpreted and used against the woman. Every effort is made to belittle her and degrade her and strip her of every dignity. In a turbulent home, there is always an obvious effort to make the woman not to enjoy the home. The man is hell bent on not letting her enjoy peace of mind. Abusive partners take everything personal, seeing you triggers them and once you accept it you are simply expected to soak it up and get used to it without complaining and see it as a way of life. What is not easy to understand is why some women choose to stay in an abusive marriage instead of running away.

First, is the Stockholm syndrome. Psychologist have discovered through series of research that when women are abused and they stick with their abusers for too long they tend to become very sympathetic to their abusers. If someone abuses you and you refuse to leave them after a period of time you will develop sympathy for that abusive person, you will tend to overlook their abusive tendencies and start to manage the situation and keep adjusting and squeezing yourself to adapt to the abusive behaviour. The human mind is tricky and it accepts whatever is dished out to for a long period of time. For instance if you keep calling a child stupid or foolish after a while the child wills tart to exhibit stupid or foolish behaviour. Women who refuse to leave abusive marriages gradually develop Stockholm syndrome which makes them love the abusive partner and trauma bond with them deeply. They become a partner in crime in the abusive dynamics. It becomes part of their love language. They start to expect it and start to see it as part of marriage. You will hear them say something like no man is perfect or that it is better to cry in benz than to cry in keke. They will come up with so much excuses to defend the abuser. They may even start to believe that the abuser loves them so much that he loose control and starts to hurt them. They simply brainwash themselves to continue with the abusive relationship and cope with them. Stockholm syndrome is simply a coping mechanism borne out of mental manipulation. As a woman you must be able to identify Stockholm syndrome and deal with it before it destroys you. There is no defence or justification for abusive and even if there is it should not be coming from you as the victim. A victim must not defend evil or make it lesser. Once you stop seeing the boundaries between an abusive behaviour and a love behaviour then you are simply suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

Second, the fear of being alone or the fear of walking away from the marriage is what keeps women in abusive marriages. After a while women build their life around a marriage, the society expects them to leave their own parents, jobs, house, surnames, identity and get absorbed into the world of the man. Women sacrifice a lot in marriage, they are forced to sacrifice their friends, relatives, families, siblings, career, health, cities they grew up, their womb, their heart, their business, their career, their social support system and a lot of basic survival mechanisms in the hope that their husband will be able to protect and provide for them but sadly many husbands do not understand the difference between being a husband and being a girlfriend. They demand submission without responsibility, they refuse to face the reality of their office as a husband. They misunderstand the loyalty and submission of their wife and take it for granted. Submission and loyalty of a woman is a heavy sacrifice that must be compensated with huge responsibility and management to ensure that things work out well. A woman who submits to an irresponsible man is like someone throwing gold jewelry to a pig. It is a complete waste of time, emotion, life and resources. It is a very dangerous move that has led to the death of many women. The purpose of submission is protection and provision. It is against human nature to submit to what will kill you. The only difference between a tree and a human being is that a human being will run away when he sees something that can kill her while a tree cannot run away from whatever is coming to kill it. This is a natural sensation that is even present in animals and more developed in human beings. It is a natural reaction. Women who get killed in abusive relationship have been converted from human beings to trees.

The goal of abusive men is to convert their victims from human beings to something less than a human being. The whole essence of abuse is to degrade and reduce the potential of the woman. There is nothing that a woman will do that will justify abuse because abusive men have a deep problem inside themselves. Abuse comes from deep inside the oppressor and not from the victim. Do not let any man to convince you that they abuse you because of how you trigger them. They abuse you because of their own internal issues with themselves. Nobody goes around abusing everyone they see on the road, abusive people simply seek for the perfect victim and when you find yourself in an abusive relationship you should remind yourself that you have made a mistake and fallen into the trap of an abusive person who sees you as a perfect victim.

Another reason that makes women to stay in abusive relationship is that they get suckered in by the abusive dynamics. Abusive men are not ignorant of their evil behaviour. They simply hone their abusive skills and trap their victims with an emotional roller coaster of up and down emotional triggers. The brain works with some chemicals called dopamine and it is easy to manipulate and get people to become addicted to it. Nobody gets addicted to cocaine or weed or cigarrete they simply get addicted to the chemical reaction that it triggers. Abuse partners are experts at triggering intense dopamine reaction in the brains of their victims. Most abusive partners follow up their abusive actions with some charming and loving actions to encapsulate their victim inside a confusing situation. With an abusive person you will always feel confused and not know what next to expect and naturally the brain finds this to be very exciting. The brain hates calm situations and always loves up and down peaks in mood. That is why great movie producers always add suspense in their movies. Research has shown that humans do not like what always stays at one point. Abusive partners are experts at making the woman's mood to go up and down in an extreme pattern. One second an abusive partner is very very sweet and the next second they are so mean that you as a victim will not mind sticking with them until they become sweet again. This is going to be like a heroine addict, always waiting for the next high. Even though human beings are rational, nobody sits down with a calculator to calculate the rationality of their behaviour.

The best way to escape from abusive behaviour is to break the patterns and this can only be done by identifying abusive behaviour. Once you can identify abusive behaviour then your next job is to set clear boundaries and be firm about it. If you cannot take a firm stand against abusive behaviour then you should get ready to continue to suffer from it. Another thing you should do is to seek outside help. You must build a strong social support system and refuse being isolated by your abuser. Most abusers try to isolate their victims so that the abuse will not be detected. But once you build a strong social support system it will be very easy to find help. With a strong social support system you will become less vulnerable to abuse and will be able to take a firmer stand against any abuse. Abusive marriages and relationship does not know education, wealth, age, location or any status and it is something that can happen to anyone. We have seen it happen to professors, rich women, and even women living abroad. You must find help and support if you are in an abusive relationship. There is nothing to hide about it and you must be strong and firm and see it as a battle for your survival.

Naijalegal:
➜First, is the Stockholm syndrome. Psychologist have discovered through series of research that when women are abused and they stick with their abusers for too long they tend to become very sympathetic to their abusers. If someone abuses you and you refuse to leave them after a period of time you will develop sympathy for that abusive person, you will tend to overlook their abusive tendencies and start to manage the situation and keep adjusting and squeezing yourself to adapt to the abusive behaviour. The human mind is tricky and it accepts whatever is dished out to for a long period of time. For instance if you keep calling a child stupid or foolish after a while the child wills tart to exhibit stupid or foolish behaviour. Women who refuse to leave abusive marriages gradually develop Stockholm syndrome which makes them love the abusive partner and trauma bond with them deeply. They become a partner in crime in the abusive dynamics. It becomes part of their love language. They start to expect it and start to see it as part of marriage. You will hear them say something like no man is perfect or that it is better to cry in benz than to cry in keke. They will come up with so much excuses to defend the abuser. They may even start to believe that the abuser loves them so much that he loose control and starts to hurt them. They simply brainwash themselves to continue with the abusive relationship and cope with them. Stockholm syndrome is simply a coping mechanism borne out of mental manipulation. As a woman you must be able to identify Stockholm syndrome and deal with it before it destroys you. There is no defence or justification for abusive and even if there is it should not be coming from you as the victim. A victim must not defend evil or make it lesser. Once you stop seeing the boundaries between an abusive behaviour and a love behaviour then you are simply suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

@Brain54, I hope you read this part well, for next time you think that there are women who love being abused.

I won't even advice my enemy to remain with an abusive partner.

Is not good at all
Make peace

You could have shorten the write up. I believe most people wont have the patience to go through it all.. but it's worth it, I guess

Many naija modern women are liabilities to themselves and their husbands, as far the abusive husband has money...they will stay...

They will choose a abusive, woman beater psychotic rich husband...over a hardworking struggling man that will pamper them with love.

liability mindset is a curse....God abeg

Because they are hoping for the death of the man first

And your right up is so unreadable

Even pitman was not this complicated

Wow so many reasons
1) The woman is hoping the man will change

2) The woman have given birth to so many children and can't take of it them herself, so she sticks around because she has no options

3) Financial reasons

4) wanting to be a married woman even if she is dying in the marriage
5) Family pressure, some parents will want their child to remain remain in a marriage because they fear what others will talk
6) Some women think Marriage is a "Do or die" thing and no matter what they won't leave

So many reasons

Most stay in it because they can't survive without the men. No need for any long epistles about what is obvious.

It well
The earlier you know you are been abused in your marriage the earlier you Japa to have rest of mind.
Living a lonely peaceful life is better that co-habiting with troublesome spouse

Divorce destroys the society! It should never be encouraged. Ladies should stop marrying jerks in the name of "I love him" because that's how it usually starts. Instead, they should allow parents and relatives to sift potential suitors and recommend good men for them based on thorough investigation of family backgrounds.

Great read, I pray and hope young people in marriage can voice out against an abusive partner, don't stay trapped because of your kids or what family or friends will say. Fight for your peace and happiness

Bahamas95:
I won't even advice my enemy to remain with an abusive partner.

Whatabout an abusive government??

The number one reason why women stay in abusive relationship is its impact on their children.

They understand that having children raised by both parents makes them a total children. It gives them a balanced understanding of life.

Also, women know that if they raise their children alone, they will likely divorce their spouses in the future, thereby replicating the divorce pattern

Jman06:
Divorce destroys the society! It should never be encrypted. Ladies should stop marrying jerks in the name of "I love him" because that's how it usually starts. Instead, they should allow parents and relatives to sift potential suitors and recommend good men for them based on thorough investigation of family backgrounds.

Because women are invalid and can't make their decisions 🙄 on who to spend their live with.

Is like asking y do u stay on this earth living with so much suffering...
Brother life must continue..must bear some certain things to achieve some certain things

Naijalegal:
Destigmatizing Divorce

Destigmatizing divorce is a necessity in this generation. Divorce is not a sign of failure. Marriage is not the ultimate purpose of this life, being married is not the biggest achievement and the purpose of marriage is to enjoy it and not to fight for it. If you find yourself fighting for your marriage just know that the war may never come to an end and even if you will win few battles you may still end up not winning the war. A turbulent home is a war without end where a woman will be forced to walk on egg shells every single day and simply issues that can easily be resolved with maturity turn to a time bomb. Living in a turbulent home feels like living in a war front. The slightest issues gets over blown and misinterpreted and used against the woman. Every effort is made to belittle her and degrade her and strip her of every dignity. In a turbulent home, there is always an obvious effort to make the woman not to enjoy the home. The man is hell bent on not letting her enjoy peace of mind. Abusive partners take everything personal, seeing you triggers them and once you accept it you are simply expected to soak it up and get used to it without complaining and see it as a way of life. What is not easy to understand is why some women choose to stay in an abusive marriage instead of running away.

First, is the Stockholm syndrome. Psychologist have discovered through series of research that when women are abused and they stick with their abusers for too long they tend to become very sympathetic to their abusers. If someone abuses you and you refuse to leave them after a period of time you will develop sympathy for that abusive person, you will tend to overlook their abusive tendencies and start to manage the situation and keep adjusting and squeezing yourself to adapt to the abusive behaviour. The human mind is tricky and it accepts whatever is dished out to for a long period of time. For instance if you keep calling a child stupid or foolish after a while the child wills tart to exhibit stupid or foolish behaviour. Women who refuse to leave abusive marriages gradually develop Stockholm syndrome which makes them love the abusive partner and trauma bond with them deeply. They become a partner in crime in the abusive dynamics. It becomes part of their love language. They start to expect it and start to see it as part of marriage. You will hear them say something like no man is perfect or that it is better to cry in benz than to cry in keke. They will come up with so much excuses to defend the abuser. They may even start to believe that the abuser loves them so much that he loose control and starts to hurt them. They simply brainwash themselves to continue with the abusive relationship and cope with them. Stockholm syndrome is simply a coping mechanism borne out of mental manipulation. As a woman you must be able to identify Stockholm syndrome and deal with it before it destroys you. There is no defence or justification for abusive and even if there is it should not be coming from you as the victim. A victim must not defend evil or make it lesser. Once you stop seeing the boundaries between an abusive behaviour and a love behaviour then you are simply suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

Second, the fear of being alone or the fear of walking away from the marriage is what keeps women in abusive marriages. After a while women build their life around a marriage, the society expects them to leave their own parents, jobs, house, surnames, identity and get absorbed into the world of the man. Women sacrifice a lot in marriage, they are forced to sacrifice their friends, relatives, families, siblings, career, health, cities they grew up, their womb, their heart, their business, their career, their social support system and a lot of basic survival mechanisms in the hope that their husband will be able to protect and provide for them but sadly many husbands do not understand the difference between being a husband and being a girlfriend. They demand submission without responsibility, they refuse to face the reality of their office as a husband. They misunderstand the loyalty and submission of their wife and take it for granted. Submission and loyalty of a woman is a heavy sacrifice that must be compensated with huge responsibility and management to ensure that things work out well. A woman who submits to an irresponsible man is like someone throwing gold jewelry to a pig. It is a complete waste of time, emotion, life and resources. It is a very dangerous move that has led to the death of many women. The purpose of submission is protection and provision. It is against human nature to submit to what will kill you. The only difference between a tree and a human being is that a human being will run away when he sees something that can kill her while a tree cannot run away from whatever is coming to kill it. This is a natural sensation that is even present in animals and more developed in human beings. It is a natural reaction. Women who get killed in abusive relationship have been converted from human beings to trees.

The goal of abusive men is to convert their victims from human beings to something less than a human being. The whole essence of abuse is to degrade and reduce the potential of the woman. There is nothing that a woman will do that will justify abuse because abusive men have a deep problem inside themselves. Abuse comes from deep inside the oppressor and not from the victim. Do not let any man to convince you that they abuse you because of how you trigger them. They abuse you because of their own internal issues with themselves. Nobody goes around abusing everyone they see on the road, abusive people simply seek for the perfect victim and when you find yourself in an abusive relationship you should remind yourself that you have made a mistake and fallen into the trap of an abusive person who sees you as a perfect victim.

Another reason that makes women to stay in abusive relationship is that they get suckered in by the abusive dynamics. Abusive men are not ignorant of their evil behaviour. They simply hone their abusive skills and trap their victims with an emotional roller coaster of up and down emotional triggers. The brain works with some chemicals called dopamine and it is easy to manipulate and get people to become addicted to it. Nobody gets addicted to cocaine or weed or cigarrete they simply get addicted to the chemical reaction that it triggers. Abuse partners are experts at triggering intense dopamine reaction in the brains of their victims. Most abusive partners follow up their abusive actions with some charming and loving actions to encapsulate their victim inside a confusing situation. With an abusive person you will always feel confused and not know what next to expect and naturally the brain finds this to be very exciting. The brain hates calm situations and always loves up and down peaks in mood. That is why great movie producers always add suspense in their movies. Research has shown that humans do not like what always stays at one point. Abusive partners are experts at making the woman's mood to go up and down in an extreme pattern. One second an abusive partner is very very sweet and the next second they are so mean that you as a victim will not mind sticking with them until they become sweet again. This is going to be like a heroine addict, always waiting for the next high. Even though human beings are rational, nobody sits down with a calculator to calculate the rationality of their behaviour.

The best way to escape from abusive behaviour is to break the patterns and this can only be done by identifying abusive behaviour. Once you can identify abusive behaviour then your next job is to set clear boundaries and be firm about it. If you cannot take a firm stand against abusive behaviour then you should get ready to continue to suffer from it. Another thing you should do is to seek outside help. You must build a strong social support system and refuse being isolated by your abuser. Most abusers try to isolate their victims so that the abuse will not be detected. But once you build a strong social support system it will be very easy to find help. With a strong social support system you will become less vulnerable to abuse and will be able to take a firmer stand against any abuse. Abusive marriages and relationship does not know education, wealth, age, location or any status and it is something that can happen to anyone. We have seen it happen to professors, rich women, and even women living abroad. You must find help and support if you are in an abusive relationship. There is nothing to hide about it and you must be strong and firm and see it as a battle for your survival. Type marriage partner in the comment section to receive a link to join my special WhatsApp community for regular updates and our monthly webinar. Send me a DM if you want to book a session for private and confidential consultation.

I hope you're aware its goes two ways, both gender are victims as well as perpetrator. both physically, emotionally and mentally!

Summary

Women don't give up everything to submit to or marry an irresponsible man that cannot protect and provide for the woman

This is wonderful piece.

Many women in Nigeria remain in abusive marriages not because they accept violence, but because a complex mix of social, economic, cultural, religious, and legal factors makes leaving extremely difficult. Below are the key reasons, explained within the Nigerian context.

1. Strong Cultural Expectations Around Marriage

In many Nigerian cultures, marriage is seen as a lifelong obligation, especially for women. A woman who leaves her marriage may be labeled:

“A failure”

“Stubborn”

“Unable to keep a home”

Families often encourage women to endure abuse to “protect the family name,” while men face far less social pressure.

2. Stigma Against Divorce and Single Motherhood

Divorced women in Nigeria often face:

Social rejection

Reduced chances of remarriage

Disrespect in religious and community spaces

Single mothers are sometimes blamed for their situation, regardless of abuse. This stigma pushes many women to stay silent and remain in harmful marriages.

3. Economic Dependence

Many women are financially dependent on their husbands due to:

Limited access to education or employment

Gender pay gaps

Cultural discouragement of women working after marriage

Leaving an abusive marriage may mean:

No income

No housing

Inability to care for children

For many, staying feels like the less dangerous option.

4. Pressure from Family and Elders

Families often advise women to:

“Go back and be patient”

“All marriages have problems”

“Think of your children”

Some parents refuse to accept their daughters back home, especially if bride price has been paid, reinforcing the idea that marriage is irreversible.

5. Religious Teachings and Misinterpretation

Some religious leaders emphasize:

Submission

Forgiveness

Endurance

These teachings are sometimes misused to justify abuse, telling women that suffering is a spiritual test or that divorce is sinful—without equal accountability for abusive men.

6. Fear of Losing Children

In some customary and legal systems:

Fathers are favored in custody decisions

A woman who leaves may lose access to her children

This fear alone keeps many women trapped in abusive homes.

7. Weak Legal Protection and Enforcement

Although laws against domestic violence exist in parts of Nigeria:

Many women are unaware of their rights

Police may dismiss domestic abuse as a “family matter”

Legal processes are slow, costly, and intimidating

This lack of trust in the justice system discourages women from seeking help.

8. Emotional Manipulation and Hope for Change

Abusive relationships often involve:

Apologies and promises

Periods of calm after violence

Emotional dependency

Many women hope their partner will change, especially when children are involved.

9. Lack of Safe Support Systems

There are limited:

Shelters

Counseling services

Community-based support networks

Without a safe place to go, leaving can feel impossible.

10. Normalization of Abuse

In some communities:

Beating is seen as “discipline”

Emotional abuse is minimized

Sexual violence within marriage is ignored

When abuse is normalized, victims may not even recognize their situation as abuse.

Final Thought

Most women in abusive marriages in Nigeria are not weak—they are surviving within restrictive systems. Real change requires:

Stronger laws and enforcement
Economic empowerment of women
Community education
and
Religious and cultural reform
Safe support structures

Sandralight:
Because women are invalid and can't make their decisions 🙄 on who to spend their live with.

They often make decisions based on mere emotion thereby leading them to the wrong men. Since youths of this generation started marrying for 'love', the institution of marriage became problematic

Divorce is not the answer. Premarital counselling and education should be emphasised. Men are also sometimes on the receiving end, mind you! Yes, some cases are bad but there are others that are redeemable.

There is a movement that seems to encourage couples to part once they think they are 'irreconcilable'. Young couples these days don't even stay one year before buying the advice to quickly seek Divorce. Soon, the society will be filled with children with no fathers. That doesn't help. Don't listen to naysayers and people who already feel that marriage is bad before they even go into it.

If it becomes abusive, first seek counselling and make reports. Separation or divorce should not be the first option as some want to preach these days.

Stuck on Stockholm syndrome is a thing here not only in marriage even in politics and geography, more reason you see some people are ready to defend their oppressors with the last drop of their blood...

The problem is jumping into marriage without proper knowledge of the partner and what marriage supposed to be

Divorce should never be encouraged. Often times the marriage can be helped if the right effort is put in place, but we have arrived at the junction where everyone just seems to advice breakup up and down as if it's that easy.
If you fail to address the real issues, breaking up solves nothing. No marriage is easy. Learn that.
Violence should NEVER be encouraged in a marriage, and most times the way to stop it is by counselling both couple. First and foremost, women should look well before marrying, don't marry an agressive and unstable weak man who can't control himself. If you do, be ready to be super submissive and cub ur tongue completely.
Guys, learn to control urselves, u gain NOTHING from physically harming a woman. Know yourself and know the woman u want to marry before marrying her. If your lady has a sharp tongue, don't expect it to reduce in marriage. It will rather become sharper.
Know this,
If a woman keeps pouring petrol to the fire of a weak man, she is the fuel of the violence.
Cus she is equally violent and abusive with her tongue.
Look well before you marry. Divorce helps no one.

Abeg make una dey learn how to summarise. No be everybody dey get time to read such long epistle.

Anyway some of the reasons are...
#1. They don't want to be a laughing stock of their enemies & society
#2. They may struggle to survive without the man
#3. They don't want to set the stigma of divorce & failing in marriage, for their generations unborn
#4. They have hope the husband may repent in future.
#5. They enjoy the honour of being addressed by the title Mrs.
#6....


I don try, add your own.

Spot on.
Many women will leave if they have the means. To some, marriage is the greatest achievement of their life

Sandralight:
Wow so many reasons
1) The woman is hoping the man will change

2) The woman have given birth to so many children and can't take of it them herself, so she sticks around because she has no options

3) Financial reasons

4) wanting to be a married woman even if she is dying in the marriage
5) Family pressure, some parents will want their child to remain remain in a marriage because they fear what others will talk
6) Some women think Marriage is a "Do or die" thing and no matter what they won't leave

So many reasons

WOKE GENERATIONS ARE THE ACTUAL CAUSE OF FAILED MARRIAGES.


STOP TAKING YOUR MARITAL ISSUES TO YOUR PASTORS OR INTERNET


WOKE FEMINISTS NOR GO EVER LEARN

if you dont stigmatize it, its the women/feminine that will still suffer for it.
Rather, train the feminine gender the necessary traits and behaviors necessary fora successful marriage

virginboy1:
Many naija modern women are liabilities to themselves and their husbands, as far the abusive husband has money...they will stay...

They will choose a abusive, woman beater psychotic rich husband...over a hardworking struggling man that will pamper them with love.

liability mindset is a curse....God abeg

Men cause problems in marriage far more than woman.

Try to say the truth, if indeed you are not part of society problem.

I know the number of my childhood friends, that would marry at same time and how many which their marriage has collapsed, almost all of them, largely contributed to the downfall of the marriage, none of these guy are rich oo, they struggling hardworking as you claimed o.


Even your moniker already, show your mindset in relationship, I won't be surprised, ladies are running away from you, hence, showing your frustrations on every topic on relationship


You are ENDEAVOUR to read post on 10 pastors that went from pulpit to prison, I didn't read anyone who is a woman oo, and I'm very sure almost all of them are in marriage, yet, they did unthinkable, even in marriage

Its women that stigmatize more

You ll hear stuff like

She couldn't keep him