₦airaland Forum

Oyinbogyal:
I’m mixed and living abroad. My mother is European and my father is Nigerian. My parents separated over 10 years ago, but they never officially divorced — they were legally separated.

The separation happened because my father did something very serious to my mother. In Europe, you cannot be removed from the family home simply because of marital problems. A married person is only forced out by the courts if something very severe happens. That is all I can say for privacy reasons, but it’s important context.

About a year after they separated, my father started begging my mother to take him back. This wasn’t occasional — it went on for years. At the same time, he was involved with a Nigerian woman from his own tribe. Behind that Nigerian woman’s back, he was still pressuring my mother to reconcile. My mum refused, but he never stopped trying.

Fast-forward to December 2025. Even this year, my father again went to my mother and asked her to get back together with him.

Then on Christmas Day, he finally admitted — not to me, not to my mother, not to all of us directly — but to my youngest sister, that he has a 9-year-old son he has been hiding from everyone. He then made my sister pass the message on to the rest of us. He could not say it to our faces himself.

What shocked me most is that this child was born about a two years after my parents separated — meaning that all the years my father was begging my mother to reconcile, he already knew he had a child elsewhere. He deliberately never told her… bear in mind this child lives in the same country as us in Europe but he is just been hidden.

When I called him to confront him, he confirmed everything. He also said something that disturbed me deeply: that he feels no real affection for the child and that the boy will never replace his “real family,” meaning us. Hearing a man speak that way about his own biological child was horrifying.

This is a fully Nigerian boy, same tribe as my father. Knowing my father’s own childhood — where he suffered badly under a cruel stepmother — I would have thought he might see himself in that child. But instead, he has completely compartmentalised him.

Meanwhile, the child’s mother still wants to marry my father. From what I can see, he continues to keep her hopeful without fully committing, while still fantasising about getting back with his legal “European wife” who doesn’t want him. He seems to keep multiple realities open at once.

What made everything click for my mother — and for me — is this:
If my mother had agreed to reconcile, my father could have moved back into the house legally as her husband. Because he would not repeat physical violence, she would have had no immediate way to remove him again via legal system/court. Only after securing his place back in the home could he then reveal that he had a child all along — effectively trapping her in a marriage built on deception.

That realisation is terrifying.

I also feel deep cultural dissonance. I told my father plainly: my mother is European. This kind of secrecy is not culturally acceptable where we live. It’s not “family affairs” or something to be normalised. Trust matters differently. Consent matters differently. So he cannot assume my mother will want him after hearing the news, she is not like the Nigerian ex you had a child with - in Nigeria it is normal for a woman to beg or wait for a man to marry you, in Europe it is shameful so he needs to stop thinking my mom will accept this.

This entire situation has destroyed my respect for him. I don’t feel anger as much as disgust and shame. I’m embarrassed to even explain this to my European friends. I feel like I’ve lost faith not just in him, but in my ability to trust what I thought were shared values.

I’m now engaged to marry a loving European man, and if I’m honest, this experience has made me afraid. Afraid of repeating cycles if I marry a Nigerian man. Afraid of normalising things I don’t believe in. I don’t reject my Nigerian heritage — I love the food, the music, the culture — but when it comes to marriage, honesty, and responsibility, I feel completely disconnected from what I’ve seen modeled.

Right now, I don’t even want to be around my father. I feel like something fundamental has collapsed, and I don’t know how to rebuild respect where trust no longer exists.

I’m sharing this here because I genuinely don’t know how to process it alone, and I want perspectives — especially from people who understand Nigerian family dynamics — without judgement.

Oyinbogyal:
I’m mixed and living abroad. My mother is European and my father is Nigerian. My parents separated over 10 years ago, but they never officially divorced — they were legally separated.

The separation happened because my father did something very serious to my mother. In Europe, you cannot be removed from the family home simply because of marital problems. A married person is only forced out by the courts if something very severe happens. That is all I can say for privacy reasons, but it’s important context.

About a year after they separated, my father started begging my mother to take him back. This wasn’t occasional — it went on for years. At the same time, he was involved with a Nigerian woman from his own tribe. Behind that Nigerian woman’s back, he was still pressuring my mother to reconcile. My mum refused, but he never stopped trying.

Fast-forward to December 2025. Even this year, my father again went to my mother and asked her to get back together with him.

Then on Christmas Day, he finally admitted — not to me, not to my mother, not to all of us directly — but to my youngest sister, that he has a 9-year-old son he has been hiding from everyone. He then made my sister pass the message on to the rest of us. He could not say it to our faces himself.

What shocked me most is that this child was born about a two years after my parents separated — meaning that all the years my father was begging my mother to reconcile, he already knew he had a child elsewhere. He deliberately never told her… bear in mind this child lives in the same country as us in Europe but he is just been hidden.

When I called him to confront him, he confirmed everything. He also said something that disturbed me deeply: that he feels no real affection for the child and that the boy will never replace his “real family,” meaning us. Hearing a man speak that way about his own biological child was horrifying.

This is a fully Nigerian boy, same tribe as my father. Knowing my father’s own childhood — where he suffered badly under a cruel stepmother — I would have thought he might see himself in that child. But instead, he has completely compartmentalised him.

Meanwhile, the child’s mother still wants to marry my father. From what I can see, he continues to keep her hopeful without fully committing, while still fantasising about getting back with his legal “European wife” who doesn’t want him. He seems to keep multiple realities open at once.

What made everything click for my mother — and for me — is this:
If my mother had agreed to reconcile, my father could have moved back into the house legally as her husband. Because he would not repeat physical violence, she would have had no immediate way to remove him again via legal system/court. Only after securing his place back in the home could he then reveal that he had a child all along — effectively trapping her in a marriage built on deception.

That realisation is terrifying.

I also feel deep cultural dissonance. I told my father plainly: my mother is European. This kind of secrecy is not culturally acceptable where we live. It’s not “family affairs” or something to be normalised. Trust matters differently. Consent matters differently. So he cannot assume my mother will want him after hearing the news, she is not like the Nigerian ex you had a child with - in Nigeria it is normal for a woman to beg or wait for a man to marry you, in Europe it is shameful so he needs to stop thinking my mom will accept this.

This entire situation has destroyed my respect for him. I don’t feel anger as much as disgust and shame. I’m embarrassed to even explain this to my European friends. I feel like I’ve lost faith not just in him, but in my ability to trust what I thought were shared values.

I’m now engaged to marry a loving European man, and if I’m honest, this experience has made me afraid. Afraid of repeating cycles if I marry a Nigerian man. Afraid of normalising things I don’t believe in. I don’t reject my Nigerian heritage — I love the food, the music, the culture — but when it comes to marriage, honesty, and responsibility, I feel completely disconnected from what I’ve seen modeled.

Right now, I don’t even want to be around my father. I feel like something fundamental has collapsed, and I don’t know how to rebuild respect where trust no longer exists.

I’m sharing this here because I genuinely don’t know how to process it alone, and I want perspectives — especially from people who understand Nigerian family dynamics — without judgement.

Oyinbogyal:
✓ This entire situation has destroyed my respect for him. I don’t feel anger as much as disgust and shame. I’m embarrassed to even explain this to my European friends. I feel like I’ve lost faith not just in him, but in my ability to trust what I thought were shared values.
I’m now engaged to marry a loving European man, and if I’m honest, this experience has made me afraid. Afraid of repeating cycles if I marry a Nigerian man. Afraid of normalising things I don’t believe in. I don’t reject my Nigerian heritage — I love the food, the music, the culture — but when it comes to marriage, honesty, and responsibility, I feel completely disconnected from what I’ve seen modeled.
Right now, I don’t even want to be around my father. I feel like something fundamental has collapsed, and I don’t know how to rebuild respect where trust no longer exists.
I’m sharing this here because I genuinely don’t know how to process it alone, and I want perspectives — especially from people who understand Nigerian family dynamics — without judgement.

meobizy:
Nothing foreign about this write-up. Nigerian journalist dey hone him skill.

Oyinbogyal:
I’m mixed and living abroad. My mother is European and my father is Nigerian. My parents separated over 10 years ago, but they never officially divorced — they were legally separated.

The separation happened because my father did something very serious to my mother. In Europe, you cannot be removed from the family home simply because of marital problems. A married person is only forced out by the courts if something very severe happens. That is all I can say for privacy reasons, but it’s important context.

About a year after they separated, my father started begging my mother to take him back. This wasn’t occasional — it went on for years. At the same time, he was involved with a Nigerian woman from his own tribe. Behind that Nigerian woman’s back, he was still pressuring my mother to reconcile. My mum refused, but he never stopped trying.

Fast-forward to December 2025. Even this year, my father again went to my mother and asked her to get back together with him.

Then on Christmas Day, he finally admitted — not to me, not to my mother, not to all of us directly — but to my youngest sister, that he has a 9-year-old son he has been hiding from everyone. He then made my sister pass the message on to the rest of us. He could not say it to our faces himself.

What shocked me most is that this child was born about a two years after my parents separated — meaning that all the years my father was begging my mother to reconcile, he already knew he had a child elsewhere. He deliberately never told her… bear in mind this child lives in the same country as us in Europe but he is just been hidden.

When I called him to confront him, he confirmed everything. He also said something that disturbed me deeply: that he feels no real affection for the child and that the boy will never replace his “real family,” meaning us. Hearing a man speak that way about his own biological child was horrifying.

This is a fully Nigerian boy, same tribe as my father. Knowing my father’s own childhood — where he suffered badly under a cruel stepmother — I would have thought he might see himself in that child. But instead, he has completely compartmentalised him.

Meanwhile, the child’s mother still wants to marry my father. From what I can see, he continues to keep her hopeful without fully committing, while still fantasising about getting back with his legal “European wife” who doesn’t want him. He seems to keep multiple realities open at once.

What made everything click for my mother — and for me — is this:
If my mother had agreed to reconcile, my father could have moved back into the house legally as her husband. Because he would not repeat physical violence, she would have had no immediate way to remove him again via legal system/court. Only after securing his place back in the home could he then reveal that he had a child all along — effectively trapping her in a marriage built on deception.

That realisation is terrifying.

I also feel deep cultural dissonance. I told my father plainly: my mother is European. This kind of secrecy is not culturally acceptable where we live. It’s not “family affairs” or something to be normalised. Trust matters differently. Consent matters differently. So he cannot assume my mother will want him after hearing the news, she is not like the Nigerian ex you had a child with - in Nigeria it is normal for a woman to beg or wait for a man to marry you, in Europe it is shameful so he needs to stop thinking my mom will accept this.

This entire situation has destroyed my respect for him. I don’t feel anger as much as disgust and shame. I’m embarrassed to even explain this to my European friends. I feel like I’ve lost faith not just in him, but in my ability to trust what I thought were shared values.

I’m now engaged to marry a loving European man, and if I’m honest, this experience has made me afraid. Afraid of repeating cycles if I marry a Nigerian man. Afraid of normalising things I don’t believe in. I don’t reject my Nigerian heritage — I love the food, the music, the culture — but when it comes to marriage, honesty, and responsibility, I feel completely disconnected from what I’ve seen modeled.

Right now, I don’t even want to be around my father. I feel like something fundamental has collapsed, and I don’t know how to rebuild respect where trust no longer exists.

I’m sharing this here because I genuinely don’t know how to process it alone, and I want perspectives — especially from people who understand Nigerian family dynamics — without judgement.

Kobojunkie:
How old is your youngest sister? 🥱🥱🥱

Why doesn't your mother want to divorce the man? 🥱🥱🥱

What do you think was the reason for why your father decided to dump this news on your all at this point in time? 🥱🥱

Given that your mother chose to be separated for so long from him without straight up divorcing him, what makes you think your mother will not still take your father back even with all that she now knows? ? 🥱🥱🥱

They say if a person shows you and/or tells you who he is,you will be the fool if you reject the knowledge revealed. 🥱🥱🥱

You now know your father is just another one of the many arsehole walking the planet. What do you do about that other than to accept the fact along with every other fact out there, so you can make the decision to be better or be just another copy.

meobizy:
Nothing foreign about this write-up. Nigerian journalist dey hone him skill.

Flangelo12:
You want your father to live elsewhere yet not use his tool?

What in the Hollywood are you thinking?

Oyinbogyal:
My mother never took him back.
This is about what I believe he was planning to do if she ever did forgive him in the future.

For years, my father was asking my mother to reconcile and resume the marriage while hiding the fact that he had another child.

What I believe he was planning is this:

If, at some point, my mother had forgiven him and allowed him to move back into the home as her husband, he would have secured his place in the house first.

In Europe, once a married spouse moves back into the home, it is very difficult to remove them again unless there is clear legal proof of abuse or another serious incident.

After moving back in, he could then reveal that he had a child all along.

At that point:
• my mother would obviously be angry
• she would likely say she no longer wanted to be with him

But because he would not be physically abusing her, there would be no immediate legal grounds to remove him from the home without a long court process.

So even if she emotionally rejected him, she would be legally and practically stuck dealing with him inside the marriage and the home.

That is why I believe the truth was hidden:
• not because of sex
• not because of culture
• but because revealing it earlier would have prevented reconciliation entirely

This is about withholding critical information to influence consent and control outcomes, not about polygamy.

Even in cultures where polygamy exists, people are told the truth before decisions are made.
Here, the truth was hidden on purpose.


Is this nollywood? He wanted to willingly deceit my mother into taking him back to the house so he can then reveal he had a child and effectively trapping my mother into a marriage

Flangelo12:
He didn't owe her that information.

They were not together.

Oyinbogyal:
Hello hi, before you assume. My dad is controlling and he is the one refusing to sign any divorce papers or help her pay for divorce. My mom does not want to be with any Nigerian man ever again and she will not take him back… Hope that helps lol

Kobojunkie:
He refused to sign for 8 years and she did nothing. Doesn't this mean that in the case something were to happen to her, your father could still swoop in to collect on he has and everything else? 🥱🥱🥱

Where in Europe is this Europe you keep mentioning as I am quite certain that marriage and divorce laws differ from place to place?🥱🥱

Oyinbogyal:
✓ Why are you going out of your way to blame my mother?
Let’s be clear — she is not the one who beat up her spouse during the marriage. She is not the one who kept a secret child hidden for 10 years while constantly trying to reconcile. She is not the one refusing to sign divorce papers or contribute financially toward the process. So why is all your focus on her?
✓ You’re conveniently ignoring the root of the issue — his deceit, manipulation, violence, and refusal to let go. If she had filed for divorce sooner, you would still find a way to fault her. Now that she waited, you’re still faulting her. It’s clear you are looking for a reason to attack her regardless of what she does, simply because she’s a woman.
✓ And yes, laws may differ across Europe, but common sense doesn’t. A man who refuses to divorce his wife, hides a child, and pressures her to reconcile without disclosing major truths is manipulative — not a victim.
✓ Redirect your energy toward holding men accountable for once, instead of finding a woman to blame every time a Nigerian man behaves disgracefully.

---

Oyinbogyal:
Saying “he didn’t owe her the information because they were not together” doesn’t make sense.

When you are asking someone to consider a relationship, you owe them information that you know would affect their decision.

Let me give a simple example about deception:

Imagine a man who is gay decides to dress like a woman and goes to meet another man who is only interested in women and not interested in men.

The gay man knows that if he says the truth at the start — “I am actually a man” — the other man would likely say no and walk away.

So instead, he says nothing and thinks:

“We are not together yet, so I don’t owe him that information.”

Is that honesty?
Or is that deceit?

The only reason the truth is hidden is because it would change the other person’s decision.

If disclosure truly didn’t matter, it would be easy to say it at the beginning.

This is the same principle here.

My father was asking my mother to forgive him and consider reconciliation while hiding a fact he knew would make her refuse.

He hid it not because it was irrelevant, but because it would end the conversation.

That is deception — whether people are together or not.

Oyinbogyal:
✓ My mother never took him back. This is about what I believe he was planning to do if she ever did forgive him in the future.
For years, my father was asking my mother to reconcile and resume the marriage while hiding the fact that he had another child. What I believe he was planning is this: If, at some point, my mother had forgiven him and allowed him to move back into the home as her husband, he would have secured his place in the house first.
In Europe, once a married spouse moves back into the home, it is very difficult to remove them again unless there is clear legal proof of abuse or another serious incident.
After moving back in, he could then reveal that he had a child all along.
At that point:
• my mother would obviously be angry
• she would likely say she no longer wanted to be with him
✓ But because he would not be physically abusing her, there would be no immediate legal grounds to remove him from the home without a long court process.
So even if she emotionally rejected him, she would be legally and practically stuck dealing with him inside the marriage and the home.
That is why I believe the truth was hidden:
• not because of sex
• not because of culture
• but because revealing it earlier would have prevented reconciliation entirely
This is about withholding critical information to influence consent and control outcomes, not about polygamy.

Kobojunkie:
1. If you suspected this, why didn't your mother seek to protect herself by pursuing the divorce to completion during all those 10 years of the separation?

2. Well, he has revealed it now. So, do you think this plan cannot work even then? 🥱🥱🥱

Does religion have something to do with why your mother is dragging her feet on the divorce or something? 🥱🥱🥱

Flangelo12:
Man did not owe her anything.

Did your mom tell him about the bloke(s) she dated?

Oyinbogyal:
The difference is

1. She does not want him if she dates other people that’s not his business because she is seperated from him and does not want him back.

2. He is the one who wants her back, he doesn’t need to disclose who he dated because they are temporary but he absolutely MUST disclose a child, it is not optional because a child permanent and life changing even financially changing.

3. How can you even compare the two Did I not just say that she does not want him??

Oyinbogyal:
✓ The difference is
1. She does not want him if she dates other people that’s not his business because she is seperated from him and does not want him back.
2. He is the one who wants her back, he doesn’t need to disclose who he dated because they are temporary but he absolutely MUST disclose a child, it is not optional because a child permanent and life changing even financially changing.
3. How can you even compare the two Did I not just say that she does not want him??

Flangelo12:
He didn't owe her that information.

They were not together.

Oyinbogyal:
I’m mixed and living abroad. My mother is European and my father is Nigerian. My parents separated over 10 years ago, but they never officially divorced — they were legally separated.

The separation happened because my father did something very serious to my mother. In Europe, you cannot be removed from the family home simply because of marital problems. A married person is only forced out by the courts if something very severe happens. That is all I can say for privacy reasons, but it’s important context.

About a year after they separated, my father started begging my mother to take him back. This wasn’t occasional — it went on for years. At the same time, he was involved with a Nigerian woman from his own tribe. Behind that Nigerian woman’s back, he was still pressuring my mother to reconcile. My mum refused, but he never stopped trying.

Fast-forward to December 2025. Even this year, my father again went to my mother and asked her to get back together with him.

Then on Christmas Day, he finally admitted — not to me, not to my mother, not to all of us directly — but to my youngest sister, that he has a 9-year-old son he has been hiding from everyone. He then made my sister pass the message on to the rest of us. He could not say it to our faces himself.

What shocked me most is that this child was born about a two years after my parents separated — meaning that all the years my father was begging my mother to reconcile, he already knew he had a child elsewhere. He deliberately never told her… bear in mind this child lives in the same country as us in Europe but he is just been hidden.

When I called him to confront him, he confirmed everything. He also said something that disturbed me deeply: that he feels no real affection for the child and that the boy will never replace his “real family,” meaning us. Hearing a man speak that way about his own biological child was horrifying.

This is a fully Nigerian boy, same tribe as my father. Knowing my father’s own childhood — where he suffered badly under a cruel stepmother — I would have thought he might see himself in that child. But instead, he has completely compartmentalised him.

Meanwhile, the child’s mother still wants to marry my father. From what I can see, he continues to keep her hopeful without fully committing, while still fantasising about getting back with his legal “European wife” who doesn’t want him. He seems to keep multiple realities open at once.

What made everything click for my mother — and for me — is this:
If my mother had agreed to reconcile, my father could have moved back into the house legally as her husband. Because he would not repeat physical violence, she would have had no immediate way to remove him again via legal system/court. Only after securing his place back in the home could he then reveal that he had a child all along — effectively trapping her in a marriage built on deception.

That realisation is terrifying.

I also feel deep cultural dissonance. I told my father plainly: my mother is European. This kind of secrecy is not culturally acceptable where we live. It’s not “family affairs” or something to be normalised. Trust matters differently. Consent matters differently. So he cannot assume my mother will want him after hearing the news, she is not like the Nigerian ex you had a child with - in Nigeria it is normal for a woman to beg or wait for a man to marry you, in Europe it is shameful so he needs to stop thinking my mom will accept this.

This entire situation has destroyed my respect for him. I don’t feel anger as much as disgust and shame. I’m embarrassed to even explain this to my European friends. I feel like I’ve lost faith not just in him, but in my ability to trust what I thought were shared values.

I’m now engaged to marry a loving European man, and if I’m honest, this experience has made me afraid. Afraid of repeating cycles if I marry a Nigerian man. Afraid of normalising things I don’t believe in. I don’t reject my Nigerian heritage — I love the food, the music, the culture — but when it comes to marriage, honesty, and responsibility, I feel completely disconnected from what I’ve seen modeled.

Right now, I don’t even want to be around my father. I feel like something fundamental has collapsed, and I don’t know how to rebuild respect where trust no longer exists.

I’m sharing this here because I genuinely don’t know how to process it alone, and I want perspectives — especially from people who understand Nigerian family dynamics — without judgement.