₦airaland Forum

Onyemaboy:
Does he beat you? If no please just focus on your children and build a future for them. They will never forget the sacrifices you made for them when they grow. Remember No marriage is perfect so don't let the negative side of it weigh you down. Be strong

. She should focus on the kids while she continues to house and maintain, for free, a man who contributes nothing to even the upkeep of his own kids?

Kobojunkie:
Forgive yourself for choosing to spend 16 years of your life with him.
Forgive yourself for choosing him as the father to your children.
Forgive yourself for refusing to heed the many red flags and warnings over all those years with him.
Forgive yourself for choosing the opinions and validation of others over your own happiness and that of your children for so long.
Forgive yourself for making excuse after excuse to remain shackled to that which has caused you so much heartache... You are human, and we all make mistakes. 🤔

You now know that you are better off walking out of the situation. What is now important is you picking yourself up and creating a life better than you have had to endure for the past 16. Shift your focus and your mind, in full gear, in the right direction needed at this point, to distance you and the kids from the past failures. That is more important than the woes.

---

Happiness is one-sided -- only the one lacking happiness can work from within to obtain the happiness that he/she seeks. The same sort of approach applies when regret is in the room. If the one who is unhappy desires happiness, he/she has to start by accepting all of one's numerous regrets, forgiving oneself of all of one's shames, guilt, and shortcomings, and then accepting that even he/she has the right to be happy, regardless of what other people say, do, or think.

This is how one goes about overcoming personal limitations, particularly of the psychological sort that OP described.

Once I started reading this, you were the first person that came to my mind. I know you’d jump on it, without even considering the possibility that the writer could be lying.

Zackattack:
➜Once I started reading this, you were the first person that came to mind. I know you’d jump on it, without even considering the possibility that the writer could be lying.

I don't need to consider such foolishness. I only need to tailor my message to the OP without judgment and all others who might be battling the same sort of situation out there.

Kobojunkie:
I don't need to consider such foolishness. I only need to tailor my message to the OP without judgment and all others who might be battling the same sort of situation out there.

I don’t know what happened to you, but I can totally see through you. No one is easier to predict.
I know exactly which threads I’ll find you, and the kind of comments you’ll make. You seriously need help, even more than the people you’re trying to advise.

Zackattack:
➜I don’t know what happened to you, but I can totally see through you. No one is easier to predict.
I know exactly which threads I’ll find you, and the kind of comments you’ll make. You seriously need help, even more than the people you’re trying to advise.

What the f-ck are you now rambling on about here? Stop projecting your personal issues on others, already! 😒😒😒

It's sad he is not taking care of you and the children. I know his type. He is after validation from friends and family that's why he'll rather spend on outsiders than his family. Just focus on yourself and the children. May God be with you.

Kobojunkie:
So, children are better off being raised in a dysfunctional home, which is what OP literally described up there, than being raised by one happy, good, present, and engaged parent, is what you are saying?

You aren't the best of advisers in relationships and marital matters

greatiyk4u:
➜You aren't the best of advisers in relationships and marital matters

But you, suggesting that children should continue to be raised in a dysfunctional family setup, are a better adviser on relationships and marital matters? Got it!

There is nada like **used and dumped**

tonididdy:
... So where's he getting all the money he's sending home?
You saw a richman and chose him over other suitors.
You chose this life, it's best you adjust to the current realities.
Leaving that man will mean you've used him and dumped him.
Marriage is for beta for worse

Caaz:
There is nada like **used and dumped**

... In your dictionary because already outside dey your eye

Can't believe

No free kick for that challenge on mbampe just now

tonididdy:
... In your dictionary because already outside dey your eye

Get a brain dude.

Caaz:
Get a brain dude.

Says the one without one

amili66:
I really wish I had never married this man. I dont know what is keeping me in the union but oh no, I dont have any happy time with him.

He is not committed at allllllllllllll, am in pain, deeply sad and sorrowful. He is promiscuous, have speech issues and maybe memory issues. Very had to please and make this difficult always.

He'd rather please outsider than me making me and the kids happy. When I got pregnant, I only received 100k from him to buy infants items as I had twins, I funded every other things and not that he doesnt have money. We build our house together but his family sees him as their Lord and this man train his cousins, nieces, and now had the mind to tell me again that he has adopted another child of his cousin to sponsor. He never pays our kids school fees 100%, I'll always have to balance the rest cos I do not want embarrassment from their school.

We moved abroad some years ago and no he says he'll drive my kids out of the house once they clock 14, but he is training his family children who are over 25 years old. Well, I don't have many, I can train them but I truly regret this marriage,

I am never going to advise anyone ot marry.

Coming abroad, this man would sit and call those in Nigeria for hours daily, he is never serious with his work and will chose to work form home until he got sacked and since then he's being struggling to get a job and I am getting blammed daily. He said his friends called him to warn him never to give me a smiling face, they dont know I have never had a smiling face from him and this man has gone from bad to worst.

You all who it to read social media comments over men who cry woes abroad, if I leave this one now and he comes on social media, you all will start to condemn the woman without listening to her. Am in pain, it has gone from worse while in Nigeria to worst here abroad. Everyday he says marriages dont work abroad, regret coming but go back he is refusing saying we must all go back with him. I cant, I rather remain here and cut off from all my friends and family.

Maybe I remained in the marriage because of shame from people around. And I am not from that loving family so they'll laugh me.

Am so sad; at times, I just feel I never said yes to him, I had many other suitors. but I considered him because he was nice then, things changed the very first day we got married, he started telling me all the evil advise his family had advised him.

I regret building with him; I should have invested on my own.

He has never bought even a shirt for his kids, shoes, toys, christmas cloths, nothing, i Mean notihng, never. when their school asked they buy laptops, he said they are not of the age, nothing. But this man dishes out money to others. I have been supportive enough, but still not appreciated. All i get is name calling, I have never since our marriage of 16 years received a gift, I dont know what it looks like. They have never owrn christmas dress bought by their father.

It's extremely hard to believe one side of the story, and this is even more difficult to believe.

Kobojunkie:
But you, suggesting that children should continue to be raised in a dysfunctional family setup, are a better adviser on relationships and marital matters? Got it!

How dysfunctional can a family with children be that can't be amended?....
If you read the write up carefully without biased mind, you can pick a lot of loopholes, the woman did mention any efforts she made at making the marriage work apart from the part where she keeps boasting of helping out in paying bills.....hear the man's side of the story and you will agree with CHIMAMANDA in her book, THE DANGERS OF A SINGLE STORY
From your numerous advice on relationships matters here, you seem to be either unmarried or divorcee and or single Mother.

Caaz:
How possible is it that a father has never bought single shirts for his kids?
Madam easy with the lies.


Marriage is not easy ...if you have chosen to stay and continue fine..but you ve option(s) of walking away.



Peace

Don't mind the op, people lie a lot.
For her to have even said he was the nicest among all her suitors, makes it very hard to believe...
Ask the man now and you'll be shocked by everything he'll say he has done for her, the children and even her family. The man could have even singlehandedly sponsored their trip abroad...

Telltruth123:
I want you to thank God that your job can foot your bills and as somebody said earlier shift your attention to taking care of yourself and your children. I will use myself as an example, my marriage is 18 years plus and I have 4 children the only thing my husband take is feeding which is N2,500 daily , it was N1,500 before cooking meat and taking milk or tea is luxury in my house because I use my salary to pay school fees and other bills I changed two of my children school to public before, after a year I saw the difference between private and public school, I had to change the one in science class to private school the other one who is in humanitarian class I can teach her at home.
I am a graduate but I am not fortunate to earn a reasonable salary, I don't have savings and I am 42 years now and no family members to assist, please my sister you don't have a problem so far your job can take care of you and your children.

The way some of you lie is very shameful ans pathetic. So, you're hear saying all he ever does is give you 2500 daily and nothing more?
He doesn't buy bulk food stuff, pay rents, pay school fees, pay other bills, fill the gas etc?

greatiyk4u:
➜How dysfunctional can a family with children be that can't be amended?....
If you read the write up carefully without biased mind, you can pick a lot of loopholes, the woman did mention any efforts she made at making the marriage work apart from the part where she keeps boasting of helping out in paying bills.....
➜ hear the man's side of the story and you will agree with CHIMAMANDA in her book, THE DANGERS OF A SINGLE STORY
➜ From your numerous advice on relationships matters here, you seem to be either unmarried or divorcee and or single Mother.

1. Ah! I see you even have this sort of messiah-complex to boot, good for you!

2. So, your approach is to completely disregard her telling you she has reached the point of regret and has no desire to continue circling the drain of the marriage? Got it! 😒😒

3. So, you are now accusing Chimanmanda of suggesting that a woman's or a man's grievances and regrets be ignored because they are, to you, a single story? OK! 🤔🤔

4. But you seem more married in your approach to disregard people like OP? OK! 😒😒

Zackattack:
I don’t know what happened to you, but I can totally see through you. No one is easier to predict.
I know exactly which threads I’ll find you, and the kind of comments you’ll make. You seriously need help, even more than the people you’re trying to advise.

You and me both, I knew kobo will be here, accepting one side of the story and making pronouncements based on a narrow view of life that has all women as angels and all men as two horned devils.

Thankfully sha, more people are seeing through kobo.

BodyCount:
The way some of you lie is very shameful ans pathetic. So, you're hear saying all he ever does is give you 2500 daily and nothing more?
He doesn't buy bulk food stuff, pay rents, pay school fees, pay other bills, fill the gas etc?

There is nothing lying about that.
There are men who don't do these things and my aunty is married to one. What I do not understand is why these women with low income have multiple kids with such men and live a life of stress raising those kids.

You are still in the marriage but advising others not to marry

amili66:
I really wish I had never married this man. I dont know what is keeping me in the union but oh no, I dont have any happy time with him.

He is not committed at allllllllllllll, am in pain, deeply sad and sorrowful. He is promiscuous, have speech issues and maybe memory issues. Very had to please and make this difficult always.

He'd rather please outsider than me making me and the kids happy. When I got pregnant, I only received 100k from him to buy infants items as I had twins, I funded every other things and not that he doesnt have money. We build our house together but his family sees him as their Lord and this man train his cousins, nieces, and now had the mind to tell me again that he has adopted another child of his cousin to sponsor. He never pays our kids school fees 100%, I'll always have to balance the rest cos I do not want embarrassment from their school.

We moved abroad some years ago and no he says he'll drive my kids out of the house once they clock 14, but he is training his family children who are over 25 years old. Well, I don't have many, I can train them but I truly regret this marriage,

I am never going to advise anyone ot marry.

Coming abroad, this man would sit and call those in Nigeria for hours daily, he is never serious with his work and will chose to work form home until he got sacked and since then he's being struggling to get a job and I am getting blammed daily. He said his friends called him to warn him never to give me a smiling face, they dont know I have never had a smiling face from him and this man has gone from bad to worst.

You all who it to read social media comments over men who cry woes abroad, if I leave this one now and he comes on social media, you all will start to condemn the woman without listening to her. Am in pain, it has gone from worse while in Nigeria to worst here abroad. Everyday he says marriages dont work abroad, regret coming but go back he is refusing saying we must all go back with him. I cant, I rather remain here and cut off from all my friends and family.

Maybe I remained in the marriage because of shame from people around. And I am not from that loving family so they'll laugh me.

Am so sad; at times, I just feel I never said yes to him, I had many other suitors. but I considered him because he was nice then, things changed the very first day we got married, he started telling me all the evil advise his family had advised him.

I regret building with him; I should have invested on my own.

He has never bought even a shirt for his kids, shoes, toys, christmas cloths, nothing, i Mean notihng, never. when their school asked they buy laptops, he said they are not of the age, nothing. But this man dishes out money to others. I have been supportive enough, but still not appreciated. All i get is name calling, I have never since our marriage of 16 years received a gift, I dont know what it looks like. They have never owrn christmas dress bought by their father.

• Take it to the Lord (Jesus Christ) in prayers and be fervent and unrelenting
• Forgive yourself and forgive him
• Do not be resentful towards him
• Show him love
• Be at peace
• Be thankful to God for life and answered prayers

BodyCount:
The way some of you lie is very shameful ans pathetic. So, you're hear saying all he ever does is give you 2500 daily and nothing more?
He doesn't buy bulk food stuff, pay rents, pay school fees, pay other bills, fill the gas etc?

I am not sure it is correct for you to label someone's else's truth as a lie.Its not fair.

There are quite a lot of men who cannot afford to take care of their families,Some cannot because the economy is not good to them the others do not because they are not just responsible.

The day the truth will actually come out that a high percentage of wives are the actual 90% bread winners of most homes the world will be shocked.Of recent the earning power seemed to have tilted to women.

BodyCount:
The way some of you lie is very shameful ans pathetic. So, you're hear saying all he ever does is give you 2500 daily and nothing more?
He doesn't buy bulk food stuff, pay rents, pay school fees, pay other bills, fill the gas etc?

As you buy food in bulk, pay house rent and school fees you think that is what every other men are doing. I am 42 years now, I don't involve myself in any argument again even with my husband at home since I have talked several times what I do is to manage what I have because I don't want to develop hypertension, if I die now who will take care of my children.
My son suffered hernia for 4 years plus and my husband could not do anything until I came here and people helped me with the bills which I am grateful.

You are living comfortable life does not mean others do, presently I don't do pass myself, I manage what I have, I don't argue with my husband because if I do I will develop hypertension and I don't have money for drugs and hospital bills.

sync:
You are still in the marriage but advising others not to marry

I know you lot prefer that people not warn you of how terrible is can be. I get it! 🥱

UkoAnnang:


After reading this, I feel so sorry for you

I don't know if what you say her is true, but if it's, I feel sorry

Before you feel sorry for her try and listen to the man's side of the story. Woman can be so manipulative in their narrative to generate sympathy.

sharone21:
When a man doesn't see his wife as his flesh and blood but sees her as another person's child/ daughter, the result is this and the sad part is that, directly or indirectly, this attitude will be affecting the children negatively.

The wife is not really flesh and blood to the husband nau. Were they born to the same parents? My kids are flesh and blood, my brothers and sisters are flesh and blood, my mother and father are flesh and blood, but the wife is never flesh and blood. She is family but not flesh and blood.