₦airaland Forum

1. Recognise that he's not from Mars.

Men and women are much more alike than many people would like to admit.

He's a human being just like you, with feelings and thoughts and personal beliefs. So don't get caught up in thinking that you two will never be able to understand each other, because sometimes you just have to open up and accept each other's views without wanting to change them.

Men have just as wide a range of emotions as women. That being said, men's emotions often center around different things than women: sports teams, favourite childhood toys, even special TV shows.

Make the effort to get to know a man's secret passions and you'll unlock his affections towards other things, like you!

2. You're not his mother.

You really aren't. Please, don't try to be. When articles talk about how men are looking for women who remind them of their mothers, you can be pretty sure the nagging, tyrannical harpy demanding we clean our rooms is not what we're after.

Even if you're a man also, don't try to turn a sloppy guy into a neat guy, or make a straight laced guy into a booze hound. What we're really looking for is someone who makes us feel safe, protected, and for the love of Pete, accepted. Accept us as we are (and tell us that you do so!), and you'll have a loyal partner for as long as you can stand him.

3. His barriers are generally of his own making.

Men who are happy are confident, are therefore more attractive. Men with less confidence generally become unhappy with their lot in life, and so start a vicious cycle where their bad moods make them less and less attractive.

For all you men reading, find a way to break the cycle. Get a dog (Seun will agree), quit your job, buy a guitar, anything. Nothing is less sexy than crushing self-pity. If you want to help a man who seems caught in one of these cycles, try to bring him back to a place of normalcy; a road trip with a good buddy, a weekend away from his distractions, or anything to remind him of who he really is.

Warning: if his problem is you, this exercise will exacerbate your troubles; if you really love him, you really should let him go.

4. Understand where he's coming from.

Single men are at their most emotionally fragile times when encountering new relationships; social pressures to "be the man," emotional issues about present and past relationships, and sex confuse both parties' emotions by sometimes creating the illusion of an infatuation that isn't there.

Communication, rather than sex, should be free-flowing early in the relationship. Both partners need to get their footing in relation to one another, so replacing intimacy with sex is unhelpful. Men will respond to sexual cues (who doesn't love pleasure?), but often times will be fundamentally confused as to the nature of the relationship when based only on non-verbal communication.

5. Don't rush him, even if he wants you to.

This is most evident in flirting and courtship, where many men mistake infatuation and emotional rush for "true" emotions, often jumping headlong into emotionally risky situations like sex, weekend trips, meeting parents, etc.

This rush is unavoidable, and any attempt to make it better by either increasing or decreasing intimacy will not dissuade men from believing their feelings at the time to be their "true" feelings. Thus, it is advisable not to radically change your schedule for your partner immediately; incorporate boring getting-to-know-you dates early on to encourage a sense of reality in both partners. Plus, imagine the sexual tension you'll build up by making yourself seem like a challenge!

That having been said, potential partners are still obliged to making their intentions clear. Players who are "just having fun" or "just playing the field" should know that they are doing so at the expense of their man's emotions.

Stringing a guy along for free food or booze, attention, or starting side projects while involved in relationships already, and you've got a perfect storm of emotion-crushing. Consider it relationship karma: if you don't want to be played, don't play.

6. Get to know his feelings on intimacy prior to sex.

The vast majority of people love sex. Men will love sex whether it comes fast or slow in the relationship. Let sex be a natural outgrowth of intimacy; actively dissuade your partner from jumping straight to sex by encouraging public intimacy; hand-holding, walking arm-in-arm, and other family-friendly PDA.

Pair-bonding is a fundamentally social experience, so if you're not comfortable kissing your man in public, you shouldn't be bedding him in private.

7. Share private details from your pasts.

Ask your man to reciprocate; you might be surprised, even mortified, by the honesty of your man. Many guys are desperately looking for someone to understand what they've gone through, so a great intimacy-builder is privacy-sharing.

Notice that you don't want to go overboard with this...
Be wary in privacy-sharing of "Mr Fix-It." There exists the desire in all of us (both men and women) to solve problems. Traditional male jobs often encourage problem-solving skills, so this might be very pronounced in an engineer or a managerial partner.

However, most emotional problems require a listening ear, not a fixing tool; if you don't want him to fix your problems, but do want him to understand where you're coming from, tell him to deactivate that part of his brain for a minute. There's nothing wrong with simply saying "I need a minute to vent without judgment or opinion, okay?" Also, make sure you know the difference--wrapping a problem in the relationship in the guise of a story from your childhood is an example of an IED (improvised explosive discussion).


8. Realize that men want to be playful.

This is not to say that you should encourage sloppy or lazy boyfriends, but keep in mind that you shouldn't try to clean up after him, change his habits, or any other mothering tactics.

A better way to look at his slovenly nature is that men generally are chasing after one ideal throughout their lives: play. Reaching that blissful state of unworried play is often the entire goal of men's careers, whether it comes through monetary security, dangerous forms of employment and recreation, or even just through a gambling or drinking habit. While some men take it too far, most men are simply looking to have fun; his video games, golf clubs, or cigar collection may be his ticket to Nirvana!

9. Learn what he wants from how he interacts with his friends.

Men everywhere seek this unworried mind, this state of play, through games and hobbies and even relationships; most men, when asked, have remained long-term partners with their wives because they consider the wife a "best friend"--that is, someone who increases their possibility of playfulness.

If you are of the drama-seeking bent (Twilighters!), you may disagree; but which is more important--long-term stability, or the temporary insanity of brief, charged, often highly sexual encounters that invariably end as quickly and emotionally as they started? The vast majority of single men, just like single women, are out there looking for a simpler, happier, less tragic kind of love.

singlefade25:
ok, next?

5minsmadness:
Was skeptical at the beginning but I must say it touched some deep points.

Kennywills7:
Men generally want to b respected
If u keep answering his questions with questions it only mean u are increasing d problems
b loyal,respect him and watch him treat u like a queen dat u are

Chillisauce:
Mtcheeeeew

Chillisauce:
Mtcheeeeew

Kennywills7:
Men generally want to b respected
If u keep answering his questions with questions it only mean u are increasing d problems
b loyal,respect him and watch him treat u like a queen dat u are

Odillz:
[color=#660000]Just be real and watch your match locate you,then ego would really not rear it head to that extent of wanting to be recognised or understood[/color]

troy20:
Nice one buddy

Jennydoris:
Okk.. Noted... nice one.

teasel:
Useless as usual!

KanwuliaJara:
I wish I had time for any of these!
These na full-time job ke!
How much the man dey pay sef?
Na only dem get ego?
Shiooooooor!!!!

irunoko:
good s3x, money and attention

irunoko:
good s3x, money and attention

crackhaus:
Ashawo no be work, get a real job...

jnrbayano:
Leave KanwuliaJara she is often a trouble finder.

irunoko:
... meanwhile mind your business Sir

jnrbayano:
Mind my business in a thread I created?

You are very silly to say that.

irunoko:
so what if you created the thread. Is it you that will dictate or determine who i should talk to and who i shouldn't because you're? ..........



And not that I care if you give me answer or not but just out of curiosity what is it about KanwuliaJara that is paining you so much to the extent that you have to tell someone you don't talk to to leave her alone



Let me guess. You're one of her haters

irunoko:
[s]pickpocketing and petty stealing no be work


them don hang tyre and burn your type




hopefully one day you will be caught and I'll happily come to come and watch them burn you alive while videoing the whole issh on my phone which I will then gladly upload both on nl and every social media you can think off



now scram[/s]

crackhaus:
Bla bla blabbity bla, it's the unfortunate nigga that finally puts a ring on your finger that will be burnt alive for making such despicable mistake.

So tell me something you psychotic heart-broken I've-had-a-bad-childhood-and-was-molested-as-a-child circumstantial single mom, are you still quoting yourself with both your monikers on NL?