₦airaland Forum

somegirl1:

Hopefully our banter would put a smile on his face.


It's well OP

somegirl1:

Hopefully our banter would put a smile on his face.


It's well OP

Achilies:
[color=#006600][/color]

I have done all that and more.
But that feeling is always at the back of my heart. It has become unbearable lately. If I don't get help soon I might just end it all and at peace

Achilies:
[color=#006600][/color]h

My mum is old and fragile I don't think telling her is a good idea...

Achilies:
My name is achillies.

I am from idemili North in anambra state. Was born some thirty years ago in jos. I was brought up in a good christian family . My childhood was fun and adventurous. My parents give us their children all the necessary things we need to become successful in life. And disciplined us whenever we misbehaved.

This story is about me and my late father
You see my father was a very quiet and thoughtful man. He spent All of his life thinking, planning and doing things that will make us his children proud, comfortable and ready for the challenges ahead ( I can remember when he sold his car and my mum sold her wrappers just to rise money for our school fees. We are seven in number)

My father loved us and me in particular in his own way. He was not the emotional or the out spoken type, but he was a man among men.. he showed us love and discipline us with cane and words of advice. He sacrificed a lot to give us the best.

For all the love my father showed us. The only way I got to thank him was to wish him death.

I was 14 years old when my My father collapse on July 3 1997 from stress related issues and was rushed to the hospital three days later he was discharged with instructions from the doctor to take thing easy.

I was supposed to be the one to take care of him during daytime. A responsibility I neglected. As a child I was stubborn to the core.

On the 10th of that same month my father called me and asked me a question. My reply to that question will hunt me till my dyeing days.
He said to me : my son, why have you abandoned your father? Why are you not taking care of me as you should?? I felt guilty but soon by guilt turned to anger and
Out of that anger I murmured why don't he just die and let us be. I don't know if he heard me or not ..but that was the last time I spoke to my father. three days later on the 13th of July 1997, he was rushed to the hospital after complaining of chest pain.

I cried that night because of the things I said to him three day earlier and somehow I knew that night will be the last time I will see him alive..

All through the time he was at the hospital I prayed, hopped for an opportunity to see him but I never had the chance to visit him If not for anything at least to apologise for my earlier and childish remark

On the 20th July 1997 by 7pm my father died of heart failure . I never got the opportunity to apologise to my father . (whether he heard me spoke those words or not ) I never got the chance to apologise. The last words I spoke to my father was for him to die and let me be.

Somehow I can't help but feel that those words broke the heart of my father and killed him.. those words are the single most regrettable event in my life.

18 years after the death of my father. I still feel the pains and burden of those words
Guilt, sadness depression and sorrow has been my companion over the years. No matter how hard I tried I just can't forgive myself
now am tired I can't bear this burden anymore..

At 33 I am a made man. I have the very best life can offer but I lack the most important thing of all. HAPPINESS AND PEACE OF MIND.

Lately death has been on my mind. It seems to be my only source of comfort and my escape from this nightmare I brought upon myself..

I need advice before I go on a journey before my time.

softysparky:
She is old and fragile and you still want to end it all, who will then take care of her

stepo707:
@op where are you located now...i might know how to help you

babyosisi:
Write a letter to your dad.Tell him How good of a father he was,what you learned from him etc
Yes write an apology letter to him saying all you would have liked to tell him assuming you could see him one more time
Read it out alone and aloud as though to him
That could help release the pain inside

Achilies:
[color=#006600][/color]h

My mum is old and fragile I don't think telling her is a good idea...