₦airaland Forum

I am currently a SAHM,and I'm not doing any selling on the side.I just buy,Buy,buy when I need to .I am not business savvy unfortunately but I'm a wizz at managing our finances.
I have NEVER suffered abuse and never will.

If you are married to a raving lunatic,whether stay at home or earning 1million,if he's abusive he will continue that way no matter what.
Why should I earn respect due to the size of my salary or wallet?Why should my views be heard or not based on my earning ability?
I control the family ATM. HUbby doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos its safe in my hands.Why should he add that to the list of headaches he has?When he has a natural calculator as wife?

I know how many hours I spend making and balancing the excel sheet making sure we meet all responsibilities, give a percentage to charity and still set aside something for savings.Plus something for eating out o.I subscribe to living below your means. My hubbys colleagues earn the same,have same nbr kids but always in the red and borrowing.
I could live in a bigger house and drive a faster car left to hubby BUT I've reasoned that having money saved plus small small investment is better at least for now.Bigger money bigger things but still will be living below our means.
I do not beg for anything.I buy whatever I want,when I want.He doesn't ask at questions cos he figures I have a reason for whatever I buy.Heck,I buy all the clothes in this house.He just CANNOT be bothered.He has said if I finish all the money we will die together hehehe.

He even feels I'm suffering at home.I wash clothes in the washer, someone irons them and a cleaner comes in twice a week.our child goes to nursery a couple of times in a week to allow me cool off.Just one toddler can send you to a mental asylum.
When you have shown yourself to be sensible, smart, intelligent,capable of holding your own and worthy of respect,a normal sensible man will recognise that and adjust accordingly.
If you are all that and married to a demon,you shall gnash your teeth forever.
If you are an olodo in every way plus sahm,then you also need salvation.Even at that,there will be someone who will love you and your block head like that
It would have been a nightmare if I was working as baby has sleep issues,feeding issues etc.Hubby appreciates all the effort I put into making our home run smoothly.He's reached a point in his career where his earnings now will be much more while allowing flexibility with his time which wasn't possible these past years.Next year its my turn to build my own career.Its worked out great for us.
Stay at home mom and dad get levels. Just always plan together and know who you are married to.
Remember as i always say..I'm naturally kolo and hubby is very very chilled out.It's working for us as is.Many may end up in Hades if they live like this.Trusting someone so much with finances.From next year of course,all my money earned will enter the family purse and i'll continue as per usual

Have you seen 'for black girls'?

Wedon:
Biko who watches FATAL ATTRACTION on DSTV?

Na so one woman dey jolly jolly with a violent spouse. He would beat her up, push her down the stairs e.t.c . . . even in the presence of her friends and family.

Talk her down, make fun of her post-partum body, tell her how nobody wants her even her children's father bla bla bla . . .

Still the ewu woman kept him in her life. . .

Untill the foolish man lost it one day and put several bullets through her head . . . and the that of her 10 month old daughter.

Autopsy report revealed his sperm in her . . meaning they had 3ex shortly before he violently killed her and her innocent baby.

So for people who think spousal abuse is normal, una well-done. I will help you plan your burial in advance!!!

Madampinkolo:
I am currently a SAHM,and I'm not doing any selling on the side.I just buy,Buy,buy when I need to .I am not business savvy unfortunately but I'm a wizz at managing our finances.
I have NEVER suffered abuse and never will.

If you are married to a raving lunatic,whether stay at home or earning 1million,if he's abusive he will continue that way no matter what.
Why should I earn respect due to the size of my salary or wallet?Why should my views be heard or not based on my earning ability?
I control the family ATM. HUbby doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos its safe in my hands.Why should he add that to the list of headaches he has?When he has a natural calculator as wife?

I know how many hours I spend making and balancing the excel sheet making sure we meet all responsibilities, give a percentage to charity and still set aside something for savings.Plus something for eating out o.I subscribe to living below your means. My hubbys colleagues earn the same,have same nbr kids but always in the red and borrowing.
I could live in a bigger house and drive a faster car left to hubby BUT I've reasoned that having money saved plus small small investment is better at least for now.Bigger money bigger things but still will be living below our means.
I do not beg for anything.I buy whatever I want,when I want.He doesn't ask at questions cos he figures I have a reason for whatever I buy.Heck,I buy all the clothes in this house.He just CANNOT be bothered.He has said if I finish all the money we will die together hehehe.

He even feels I'm suffering at home.I wash clothes in the washer, someone irons them and a cleaner comes in twice a week.our child goes to nursery a couple of times in a week to allow me cool off.Just one toddler can send you to a mental asylum.
When you have shown yourself to be sensible, smart, intelligent,capable of holding your own and worthy of respect,a normal sensible man will recognise that and adjust accordingly.
If you are all that and married to a demon,you shall gnash your teeth forever.
If you are an olodo in every way plus sahm,then you also need salvation.Even at that,there will be someone who will love you and your block head like that
It would have been a nightmare if I was working as baby has sleep issues,feeding issues etc.Hubby appreciates all the effort I put into making our home run smoothly.He's reached a point in his career where his earnings now will be much more while allowing flexibility with his time which wasn't possible these past years.Next year its my turn to build my own career.Its worked out great for us.
Stay at home mom and dad get levels. Just always plan together and know who you are married to.
Remember as i always say..I'm naturally kolo and hubby is very very chilled out.It's working for us as is.Many may end up in Hades if they live like this.Trusting someone so much with finances.From next year of course,all my money earned will enter the family purse and i'll continue as per usual

Good for you
If your husband allows you control the ATM card,he is not the type we are talking about obviously.
As for stay at home dads,that is another subject altogether
What is a man staying at home for? Lol
Unless he is disabled I see no reason why a grown man will be staying at home


The irony in this discussion is that on another thread,you will hear the same boys carrying on and telling women like you that they don't deserve much in the event of a divorce since they didn't contribute anything into the purse.
The duplicity of it all.

Madampinkolo:
I am currently a SAHM,and I'm not doing any selling on the side.I just buy,Buy,buy when I need to .I am not business savvy unfortunately but I'm a wizz at managing our finances.
I have NEVER suffered abuse and never will.

If you are married to a raving lunatic,whether stay at home or earning 1million,if he's abusive he will continue that way no matter what.
Why should I earn respect due to the size of my salary or wallet?Why should my views be heard or not based on my earning ability?
I control the family ATM. HUbby doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos its safe in my hands.Why should he add that to the list of headaches he has?When he has a natural calculator as wife?

I know how many hours I spend making and balancing the excel sheet making sure we meet all responsibilities, give a percentage to charity and still set aside something for savings.Plus something for eating out o.I subscribe to living below your means. My hubbys colleagues earn the same,have same nbr kids but always in the red and borrowing.
I could live in a bigger house and drive a faster car left to hubby BUT I've reasoned that having money saved plus small small investment is better at least for now.Bigger money bigger things but still will be living below our means.
I do not beg for anything.I buy whatever I want,when I want.He doesn't ask at questions cos he figures I have a reason for whatever I buy.Heck,I buy all the clothes in this house.He just CANNOT be bothered.He has said if I finish all the money we will die together hehehe.

He even feels I'm suffering at home.I wash clothes in the washer, someone irons them and a cleaner comes in twice a week.our child goes to nursery a couple of times in a week to allow me cool off.Just one toddler can send you to a mental asylum.
When you have shown yourself to be sensible, smart, intelligent,capable of holding your own and worthy of respect,a normal sensible man will recognise that and adjust accordingly.
If you are all that and married to a demon,you shall gnash your teeth forever.
If you are an olodo in every way plus sahm,then you also need salvation.Even at that,there will be someone who will love you and your block head like that
It would have been a nightmare if I was working as baby has sleep issues,feeding issues etc.Hubby appreciates all the effort I put into making our home run smoothly. He's reached a point in his career where his earnings now will be much more while allowing flexibility with his time which wasn't possible these past years.Next year its my turn to build my own career.Its worked out great for us.
Stay at home mom and dad get levels. Just always plan together and know who you are married to.
Remember as i always say..I'm naturally kolo and hubby is very very chilled out.It's working for us as is.Many may end up in Hades if they live like this.Trusting someone so much with finances.From next year of course,all my money earned will enter the family purse and i'll continue as per usual

Interesting perspective

@bold: I take this to mean that you would start working next year so it's more like a shift/rotation or little break

babyosisi:
Good for you
If your husband allows you control the ATM card,he is not the type we are talking about obviously.
As for stay at home dads,that is another subject altogether
What is a man staying at home for? Lol
Unless he is disabled I see no reason why a grown man will be staying at home
The irony in this discussion is that on another thread,you will hear the same boys carrying on and telling women like you that they don't deserve much in the event of a divorce since they didn't contribute anything into the purse.
The duplicity of it all.

I have a friend who is married to a romanian..
She's training to be a surgeon while he's an engineer.They have 3 kids and she earns more.
The childcare costs would be crippling for them so they decided daddy would be at home to care for the kids till she finishes her training.
They are doing very well.
My hubby would make an excellent stay at home dad though

I think it's important not to engage people on nairaland who like arguing for the sake of it.I avoid it totally,even when i'm obviously being baited.I figure they're people I don't know so why bother.I just share my own humble opinion,if i feel like, I enter a discussion with someone i believe is sensible and move on.If there's something to be learnt,I learn and apply to improve my life.
What people think is not my concern as they do not know me,are not in my life and will never be.If ever in the event of a divorce,the law will be followed and all assets will be divided justly.That's all.What whoever thinks as to what i deserve has absolutely no bearing on my day to day life.

Some will even say my hubby is a Mugu for having me control most stuff what they do not understand is that we all have different strengths and mine is being used to the maximum.Cheaper than hiring a financial adviser . It works for us,we are living our lives.Not perfect cos when we have issues ehhhh..hmmm but we are still here.
Different strokes different folks.

@bukatyne
Yes,i'll be starting next year...
@rotation..I'm still a stay at home mummy for now naaa
My point is that it's not all dire..at least in my experience
An abuser will be an abuser regardless of status.
What an income does is give the option to escape,yet many still stay beind.
Stockholm syndrome i guess

babyosisi:
What is a man staying at home for? Lol

What do you have against stay at home dads? He can stay at home to take care of the home and kids.

Shollypopzz:
What do you have against stay at home dads? He can stay at home to take care of the home and kids.

My dear e get as e be o
I can't imagine it
It won't work for me lai lai
Not my idea of a man

the stay at home dads who have been made stay at home dad's by condition don't do what they are supposed to do sef
They don't cook and serve the woman
They still expect her to serve them after working a full time job

Madampinkolo:
I have a friend who is married to a romanian..
She's training to be a surgeon while he's an engineer.They have 3 kids and she earns more.
The childcare costs would be crippling for them so they decided daddy would be at home to care for the kids till she finishes her training.
They are doing very well.
My hubby would make an excellent stay at home dad though

I think it's important not to engage people on nairaland who like arguing for the sake of it.I avoid it totally,even when i'm obviously being baited.I figure they're people I don't know so why bother.I just share my own humble opinion,if i feel like, I enter a discussion with someone i believe is sensible and move on.If there's something to be learnt,I learn and apply to improve my life.
What people think is not my concern as they do not know me,are not in my life and will never be.If ever in the event of a divorce,the law will be followed and all assets will be divided justly.That's all.What whoever thinks as to what i deserve has absolutely no bearing on my day to day life.

Some will even say my hubby is a Mugu for having me control most stuff what they do not understand is that we all have different strengths and mine is being used to the maximum.Cheaper than hiring a financial adviser . It works for us,we are living our lives.Not perfect cos when we have issues ehhhh..hmmm but we are still here.
Different strokes different folks.

You said Romanian abi?
I was hoping to see nigerian
I bet you that man is cooking and cleaning and doing the whole nine yards
A nigerian man won't do that unless married to Oyibo
He will stretch hand and collect the pay while she works
He won't pound yam ,cook or wash clothes sef,his ego won't let him so he won't be that useful staying home.

As for rest the of your post you are so correct

re : stay at home dads

While most stay-at-home parents are mothers, fathers represent a growing share of all at-home parents – 16% in 2012, up from 10% in 1989. Roughly a quarter of these stay-at-home fathers (23%) report that they are home mainly because they cannot find a job. Nearly as many (21%) say the main reason they are home is to care for their home or family. This represents a fourfold increase from 1989, when only 5% of stay-at-home fathers said they were home primarily to care for family.

Still, the largest share of stay-at-home fathers (35%) is at home due to illness or disability. This is in sharp contrast to stay-at-home mothers, most of whom (73%) report that they are home specifically to care for their home or family4; just 11% are home due to their own illness or disability.

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/

So in essence most stay at home dads are there because they are unemployed or disabled not because they want to stay home
I thought as much
I don't think I will tolerate an able bodied man who wants to be home while I am out working

babyosisi:
re : stay at home dads

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/

So in essence most stay at home dads are there because they are unemployed or disabled not because they want to stay home
I thought as much
I don't think I will tolerate an able bodied man who wants to be home while I am out working

It is a cultural thing I guess.

One of my husband's bosses is a woman. She was the breadwinner because she made more than the man. He had to stay home as his pay couldn't cover daycare for their kids.

Now they are divorced she pays him child support.

I think it is all about doing what is best for the kids at the moment regardless.

cococandy:
It is a cultural thing I guess.

One of my husband's bosses is a woman. She was the breadwinner because she made more than the man. He had to stay home as his pay couldn't cover daycare for their kids.

Now they are divorced she pays him child support.

I think it is all about doing what is best for the kids at the moment regardless.

Had to be
As an Igbo woman I find it so emasculating
That's just me
I'll be ashamed to tell people my husband is a stay at home husband
What nonsense
He will stay home then at night he will turn into a man abi?
Let him go to school for a better career.i will feel better saying my husband is a student than he is at home
Tua
Not my portion

babyosisi:
Had to be
As an Igbo woman I find it so emasculating
That's just me
I'll be ashamed to tell people my husband is a stay at home husband
What nonsense
He will stay home then at night he will turn into a man abi?
Let him go to school for a better career.i will feel better saying my husband is a student than he is at home
Tua
Not my portion

oh this couple are black Africans o.
They just had to adapt to the situation they found themselves in.

Anyway cultural or not I don't fancy any parent mom or dad being home Permanently.
If it is to go to school or raise the kids until they are a bit independent, then fine.

After that, it is off to the labor market.
I think most people are realizing this too.
Because if one chooses to be permanently at home, when the kids grow, what will he or she be doing at home?

cococandy:
oh this couple are black Africans o.
They just had to adapt to the situation they found themselves in.

Anyway cultural or not I don't fancy any parent mom or dad being home Permanently.
If it is to go to school or raise the kids until they are a bit independent, then fine.

After that, it is off to the labor market.
I think most people are realizing this too.
Because if one chooses to be permanently at home, when the kids grow, what will he or she be doing at home?

The longer one is out of the labor market,the harder to get back in
If one graduates and stays home full time for 4-5 years,what do you put on your resume as job experience when you go searching?
Many employers won't look at the person favorably .
In my profession you may not be able to get a license to practice sef or be made to jump hoops to get one,you may be required to do some exams to prove your competency after being gone that long
The times i moved states I had to justify the gaps in my employment from maternity leave etc to the licensing boards
The good thing about America is the ability to work part time
I worked part time on many occasions
My dream is not to work full time anyway
Praying that Oga will have a big jump in salary so I can afford to cut down to 24hrs a week

@Babyosisi
It's not fair to make blanket statements like that as per Nigerian man will sit and wait to be fed etc.That bad character cuts across race oo.There are very very lousy oyibo fathers and husbands around.Let's just say our culture frowns more at the notion.My husband is born and bred african man,the thing dey his blood but my expectations in marriage and his too have led to us making decisions for the greater good even though others may view him as being silly.I see and appreciate what we have (esp when the devil isn't prodding me )..I believe many homes are enjoying the same just that it's difficult for the men to confess being this way cos some friends and family will say they've chopped vegetable and have turned to slaves.I find this so odd cos where's the slavery??it's OUR kids,OUR home,OUR money,OUR lives.

In my hubby's workplace,you'd find the dads(Nigerian,white,mulatto) racing home after work ends early to take their kids to the park just because the sun is out.

I'm pretty sure there are Nigerian men who are stay at home dads and doing very well at it BUT because of the way they will be ridiculed,they just have to stay silent and keep up the act.When you live in a certain place and see how people you mix with take care of their families,help out at home,somehow you find yourself doing the same.

I don't find it emasculating in any way..the situation is the decider of what will happen.Is it in the best interest of the family that the man stays home cos hes the lower earner etc? No point working and earning 2,000 while child care bill is 4,000 especially when the lady out earns him.Some men are excellent care givers and will give up their careers for the well being of the children till things become stable.
Depends on the couple and what works best for them.If they feel ashamed,they adjust accordingly.Anyone who stays home with toddlers deserves an award cos it's mentally,physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes when hubby comes home,im knackered and he just helps himself to food and stuff.I'd expect the same if the reverse was the case.

When the stay at home partner is there due to laziness and being a natural leech,then it's a different ball game.

As I say,my views may be unconventional but i find that daily my thought process is expanding.There's no one size fits all situation.Every home differs.

Yea well I guess it affects those in professional careers more. Maybe that's why the woman I just talked about was the one who continued work while the husband had to stop temporarily.

babyosisi:
The longer one is out of the labor market,the harder to get back in
If one graduates and stays home full time for 4-5 years,what do you put on your resume as job experience when you go searching?
Many employers won't look at the person favorably .
In my profession you may not be able to get a license to practice sef or be made to jump hoops to get one,you may be required to do some exams to prove your competency after being gone that long
The times i moved states I had to justify the gaps in my employment from maternity leave etc to the licensing boards
The good thing about America is the ability to work part time
I worked part time on many occasions
My dream is not to work full time anyway
Praying that Oga will have a big jump in salary so I can afford to cut down to 24hrs a week

Madampinkolo:
@Babyosisi
It's not fair to make blanket statements like that as per Nigerian man will sit and wait to be fed etc.That bad character cuts across race oo.There are very very lousy oyibo fathers and husbands around.Let's just say our culture frowns more at the notion.My husband is born and bred african man,the thing dey his blood but my expectations in marriage and his too have led to us making decisions for the greater good even though others may view him as being silly.I see and appreciate what we have (esp when the devil isn't prodding me )..I believe many homes are enjoying the same just that it's difficult for the men to confess being this way cos some friends and family will say they've chopped vegetable and have turned to slaves.I find this so odd cos where's the slavery??it's OUR kids,OUR home,OUR money,OUR lives.
In my hubby's workplace,you'd find the dads(Nigerian,white,mulatto) racing home after work ends early to take their kids to the park just because the sun is out.
I'm pretty sure there are Nigerian men who are stay at home dads and doing very well at it BUT because of the way they will be ridiculed,they just have to stay silent and keep up the act.When you live in a certain place and see how people you mix with take care of their families,help out at home,somehow you find yourself doing the same.
I don't find it emasculating in any way..the situation is the decider of what will happen.Is it in the best interest of the family that the man stays home cos hes the lower earner etc? No point working and earning 2,000 while child care bill is 4,000 especially when the lady out earns him.Some men are excellent care givers and will give up their careers for the well being of the children till things become stable.
Depends on the couple and what works best for them.If they feel ashamed,they adjust accordingly.Anyone who stays home with toddlers deserves an award cos it's mentally,physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes when hubby comes home,im knackered and he just helps himself to food and stuff.I'd expect the same if the reverse was the case.
When the stay at home partner is there due to laziness and being a natural leech,then it's a different ball game.
As I say,my views may be unconventional but i find that daily my thought process is expanding.There's no one size fits all situation.Every home differs.

EOD

Madampinkolo:
@Babyosisi
It's not fair to make blanket statements like that as per Nigerian man will sit and wait to be fed etc.That bad character cuts across race oo.There are very very lousy oyibo fathers and husbands around.Let's just say our culture frowns more at the notion.My husband is born and bred african man,the thing dey his blood but my expectations in marriage and his too have led to us making decisions for the greater good even though others may view him as being silly.I see and appreciate what we have (esp when the devil isn't prodding me )..I believe many homes are enjoying the same just that it's difficult for the men to confess being this way cos some friends and family will say they've chopped vegetable and have turned to slaves.I find this so odd cos where's the slavery??it's OUR kids,OUR home,OUR money,OUR lives.

In my hubby's workplace,you'd find the dads(Nigerian,white,mulatto) racing home after work ends early to take their kids to the park just because the sun is out.

I'm pretty sure there are Nigerian men who are stay at home dads and doing very well at it BUT because of the way they will be ridiculed,they just have to stay silent and keep up the act.When you live in a certain place and see how people you mix with take care of their families,help out at home,somehow you find yourself doing the same.

I don't find it emasculating in any way..the situation is the decider of what will happen.Is it in the best interest of the family that the man stays home cos hes the lower earner etc? No point working and earning 2,000 while child care bill is 4,000 especially when the lady out earns him.Some men are excellent care givers and will give up their careers for the well being of the children till things become stable.
Depends on the couple and what works best for them.If they feel ashamed,they adjust accordingly.Anyone who stays home with toddlers deserves an award cos it's mentally,physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes when hubby comes home,im knackered and he just helps himself to food and stuff.I'd expect the same if the reverse was the case.

When the stay at home partner is there due to laziness and being a natural leech,then it's a different ball game.

As I say,my views may be unconventional but i find that daily my thought process is expanding.There's no one size fits all situation.Every home differs.

Theoretically,everything you said sounds good,I like it
It is not so in practice however.
Do you know any Nigerian couple where the man by choice stays home to take care of the children and is cooking and cleaning and doing everything you do as a stay at home mom ?
I don't know any and I know a whole lot of people
In fact many of the failed nigerian marriages here in the USA have been between women who are higher wage earners and men who earn much less
I keep saying Nigerians because most of the people I associate with are Nigerians.
Our men don't do well as husbands when they earn less than their wives let alone when they are "subjected to do jobs" that are traditionally termed female jobs.
Some may argue that our women don't do well as wives when they earn more
Could be a little bit of both
The average nigerian man will not cook,clean ,mop do laundry and pass food for a working wife if he was unemployed and staying home
I am just being real here
Neither will he tolerate a wife texting him to have her Okro soup and eba pipping hot in the next 30 mins because she has to come in briefly to eat before attending a work meeting later that evening.
That is the cause of many of the arguments in the families where the man is underemployed
The woman feels she is pulling more than her own share in the home and the man feels his manhood is being trampled upon when he is required or asked to take on some household chores .

Madampinkolo:
@bukatyne
Yes,i'll be starting next year...
@rotation..I'm still a stay at home mummy for now naaa
My point is that it's not all dire..at least in my experience
An abuser will be an abuser regardless of status.
What an income does is give the option to escape,yet many still stay beind.
Stockholm syndrome i guess

I guess What is more rampant now is women staying off work for a yr or two for the kids to grow while they develop themselves or have a business by the side.

Or people who do not have the zeal for 9 to 5 and doing a business.

The truth is that is not the picture I have when I hear SAHM.

I see women who have nothing doing; no timeline to staying at home etc. Etc.

I am not a fan of sitting at home all day doing nothing. Na, not me at all but again, We are not same and different things motivate us.

Funny enough, I am not hung up on the income part as long as you are adding value to yourself and people around you.

Shollypopzz:
What do you have against stay at home dads? He can stay at home to take care of the home and kids.

The stay at home dad ish can only work If both parties agree.to it and have a working plan.

The husband must be ready to help more around the house for starters

Madampinkolo:
@Babyosisi
It's not fair to make blanket statements like that as per Nigerian man will sit and wait to be fed etc.That bad character cuts across race oo.There are very very lousy oyibo fathers and husbands around.Let's just say our culture frowns more at the notion.My husband is born and bred african man,the thing dey his blood but my expectations in marriage and his too have led to us making decisions for the greater good even though others may view him as being silly.I see and appreciate what we have (esp when the devil isn't prodding me )..I believe many homes are enjoying the same just that it's difficult for the men to confess being this way cos some friends and family will say they've chopped vegetable and have turned to slaves.I find this so odd cos where's the slavery??it's OUR kids,OUR home,OUR money,OUR lives.

In my hubby's workplace,you'd find the dads(Nigerian,white,mulatto) racing home after work ends early to take their kids to the park just because the sun is out.

I'm pretty sure there are Nigerian men who are stay at home dads and doing very well at it BUT because of the way they will be ridiculed,they just have to stay silent and keep up the act.When you live in a certain place and see how people you mix with take care of their families,help out at home,somehow you find yourself doing the same.

I don't find it emasculating in any way..the situation is the decider of what will happen.Is it in the best interest of the family that the man stays home cos hes the lower earner etc? No point working and earning 2,000 while child care bill is 4,000 especially when the lady out earns him.Some men are excellent care givers and will give up their careers for the well being of the children till things become stable.
Depends on the couple and what works best for them.If they feel ashamed,they adjust accordingly.Anyone who stays home with toddlers deserves an award cos it's mentally,physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes when hubby comes home,im knackered and he just helps himself to food and stuff.I'd expect the same if the reverse was the case.

When the stay at home partner is there due to laziness and being a natural leech,then it's a different ball game.

As I say,my views may be unconventional but i find that daily my thought process is expanding.There's no one size fits all situation.Every home differs.

True

I totally agree that is our homes and What works best.

bukatyne:
The stay at home dad ish can only work If both parties agree.to it and have a working plan.

The husband must be ready to help more around the house for starters

I am just being curious,do you know any Nigerian stay at home dad that is doing what you know stay at home moms do ?

babyosisi:
I am just being curious,do you know any Nigerian stay at home dad that is doing what you know stay at home moms do ?

No I don't but never say never

If There is such arrangements, they might not be too open about it.

bukatyne:
No I don't but never say never

If There is such arrangements, they might not be too open about it.

We are saying the same
If you went to visit them,the woman would probably still be the one cooking and serving and taking care of the children so the role reversal is not complete.
It still leaves the woman with more work than usual.
That is why I made the initial statement
I am yet to see one

babyosisi:
We are saying the same
If you went to visit them,the woman would probably be the one cooking and serving and taking care of the children so the role reversal is not complete.
It still leaves the woman with more work than usual.
That is why I made the initial statement

I get you perfectly.

i'll be back...
@babyosisi,it's not just a Nigerian thing
A bit busy but if you have time can you read this link?Quite interesting as per the house chores thing

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10621402/Why-are-women-still-doing-most-of-the-housework.html

Madampinkolo:
i'll be back...
@babyosisi,it's not just a Nigerian thing
A bit busy but if you have time can you read this link?Quite interesting as per the house chores thing

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10621402/Why-are-women-still-doing-most-of-the-housework.html

Just read it.

The conclusion is that most of the women actually want to do those chores

See the casestudy of the author

@moca:

Please I need a top loader high efficiency (automatic) washer, which would you recommend?

Thanks.

Madampinkolo:
I am currently a SAHM,and I'm not doing any selling on the side.I just buy,Buy,buy when I need to .I am not business savvy unfortunately but I'm a wizz at managing our finances.
I have NEVER suffered abuse and never will.
If you are married to a raving lunatic,whether stay at home or earning 1million,if he's abusive he will continue that way no matter what.
Why should I earn respect due to the size of my salary or wallet?Why should my views be heard or not based on my earning ability?
I control the family ATM. HUbby doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos its safe in my hands.Why should he add that to the list of headaches he has?When he has a natural calculator as wife?
I know how many hours I spend making and balancing the excel sheet making sure we meet all responsibilities, give a percentage to charity and still set aside something for savings.Plus something for eating out o.I subscribe to living below your means. My hubbys colleagues earn the same,have same nbr kids but always in the red and borrowing.
I could live in a bigger house and drive a faster car left to hubby BUT I've reasoned that having money saved plus small small investment is better at least for now.Bigger money bigger things but still will be living below our means.
I do not beg for anything.I buy whatever I want,when I want.He doesn't ask at questions cos he figures I have a reason for whatever I buy.Heck,I buy all the clothes in this house.He just CANNOT be bothered.He has said if I finish all the money we will die together hehehe.
He even feels I'm suffering at home.I wash clothes in the washer, someone irons them and a cleaner comes in twice a week.our child goes to nursery a couple of times in a week to allow me cool off.Just one toddler can send you to a mental asylum.
When you have shown yourself to be sensible, smart, intelligent,capable of holding your own and worthy of respect,a normal sensible man will recognise that and adjust accordingly.
If you are all that and married to a demon,you shall gnash your teeth forever.
If you are an olodo in every way plus sahm,then you also need salvation.Even at that,there will be someone who will love you and your block head like that
It would have been a nightmare if I was working as baby has sleep issues,feeding issues etc.Hubby appreciates all the effort I put into making our home run smoothly.He's reached a point in his career where his earnings now will be much more while allowing flexibility with his time which wasn't possible these past years.Next year its my turn to build my own career.Its worked out great for us.
Stay at home mom and dad get levels. Just always plan together and know who you are married to.
Remember as i always say..I'm naturally kolo and hubby is very very chilled out.It's working for us as is.Many may end up in Hades if they live like this.Trusting someone so much with finances.From next year of course,all my money earned will enter the family purse and i'll continue as per usual

This is such a refreshing post, I am happy I got to read this. Hopefully more Naija women like you will speak out to stop the fear mongering. Most abused Naija woman I have seen or read about, work. For most, the reason they stay in spite of abuse, is because they are afraid of what people would say if they left or they are afraid the husband would seize the kids, etc.

Taking care of the finances is work and it's something my husband avoids because he cannot be bothered to do all that it takes.

From your post, I could probably guess your background and fairly accurately too. Somehow, the majority of people here have a very different background and since we are all products of our backgrounds, our experiences, and the things we see. . . . . . . . you can guess what informs the terror.

In my time on this forum, I have written a couple of epistles about this staying home idea. What I have found is that most people have trouble grasping the idea that it does not put you in servitude or at a disadvantage if you married the right man for you and you are the right woman for him. Trust is earned and when your husband knows you are capable AND trustworthy, why would he not share the same pot with you? Why would he be dishing out 10 kobo here 10 kobo there for tampons!

A lot of people adopt the stay home model without considering affordability. It is simple arithmetic and budgeting, not rocket science. If your household cannot afford it, if you are married to a controlling man, a wakabout, spendthrift, stingy fellow, habitual partier, gambler, alcoholic, etc, etc; how could it make sense for you to stay home? If either or both of you support your extended family and you can't afford your generosity on one income, why would you stay home?

People speak/act from their experiences. When we decided for me to stay home, if someone had said I would be subject to abuse and begging, I would have laughed in their face. Why? Because I have never begged for anything in my life. Even with my parents, I asked, not begged (sometimes I got what I wanted, sometimes I didn't) and I humbly submit that the man that can abuse me has not been born. Yes,
I am that kind of woman and my spouse knew whom he was marrying. There was no way I could have attracted an abuser of any kind, those guys have a nose for victims and will avoid women they cannot abuse.

So, ladies, the first step is to know whom you are marrying and work on yourself too so that you are trustworthy. Be realistic with your spending and marry a man you can trust. Don't forget life insurance, they are available in Naija too. If you can afford it and you both agree, stay home and give your kids the best care possible.

Most people will go back to work at some point because it's not economically sustainable and because it can get boring. Just realize that a lot of the women that will malign you for staying home are talking from their own relationship with their spouse. Make your decisions based on your relationship with the man you married. Like plague, avoid people that come and tell you " all men are like this or that"

So, I very much enjoyed my time at home and then the kids grew and now they cost and will continue to cost us so much money that I am back to working for the capitalists.

Have a good evening Madam, nice meeting you.

Cheers MMotimo!!!

@bukatyne

In my area,across all races people sometimes make the decisions cos of spiralling childcare costs which when compared to income,it's pointless to have both parents working except you have a high powered job.Imagine making 2,000£and the cost for full time care is £1,000 per child.If you have 3 nko and hubby earns £3k? Rent/mortgage,Council tax,grocery,Electricity,Water,Gas bills,Insurance,Tv license,tithe & offering for those who pay etc
Others may go part time or take a year or 2 off just to be around during the formative years.Different different reasons and most times,it's the greater good of the family that's a huge factor.
As MMotimo said,affordability has to be considered..Not every one can afford such a decision - if it's by choice.However,if it's thrust upon you by a twist of fate,best to ride the wave as best as you can.
The 2k and 3k i quoted are salaries of professionals o.Let's say salaried mid level medical doctors after tax.Imagine the fate of people who earn way less with 3 or more children.Some receive benefits,but i don't think it's much..By the time you do the maths,no one will tell you to glue your yansh at home till the kids get older and get into school then move on.

@ the article well,it seems we self sabotage.You're at work and busy arranging how to cut okro.

@babyosisi
The Nigerians I know are few & mostly DH colleagues who i chat with when i see them.I don't know any Nigerian SAHdad.I believe however they are there just not very open about the arrangement.We never really know what happens in homes.Whatever we see during a few hours visit may not be what happens day in day out? I don't know.
One of them told me his wife is a SAHM they have 3 kids and he was saying how hard it is for her,how he has to go home & help her out cos there's no way she can cope..So,after work he goes home and still does chores willingly.This is a full fledged professional warri man!
In my former life,if anyone had told me this I may have said a Nigerian man?? NEVER!!
So,if one partner is stay at home and you get in from work,most times you help out with whatever is left off especially if your partner is swamped.
We live and learn.
I've posted the link up there and it shows that whether a woman works or not,even as the breadwinner she usually does over 70%of the chores.Nature/Nurture? I don't know.
Am i even rambling sef? Maybe.

Madampinkolo:
Cheers MMotimo!!!

@bukatyne

In my area,across all races people sometimes make the decisions cos of spiralling childcare costs which when compared to income,it's pointless to have both parents working except you have a high powered job.Imagine making 2,000£and the cost for full time care is £1,000 per child.If you have 3 nko and hubby earns £3k? Rent/mortgage,Council tax,grocery,Electricity,Water,Gas bills,Insurance,Tv license,tithe & offering for those who pay etc
Others may go part time or take a year or 2 off just to be around during the formative years.Different different reasons and most times,it's the greater good of the family that's a huge factor.
As MMotimo said,affordability has to be considered..Not every one can afford such a decision - if it's by choice.However,if it's thrust upon you by a twist of fate,best to ride the wave as best as you can.
The 2k and 3k i quoted are salaries of professionals o.Let's say salaried mid level medical doctors after tax.Imagine the fate of people who earn way less with 3 or more children.Some receive benefits,but i don't think it's much..By the time you do the maths,no one will tell you to glue your yansh at home till the kids get older and get into school then move on.

@ the article well,it seems we self sabotage.You're at work and busy arranging how to cut okro.

@babyosisi
The Nigerians I know are few & mostly DH colleagues who i chat with when i see them.I don't know any Nigerian SAHdad.I believe however they are there just not very open about the arrangement.We never really know what happens in homes.Whatever we see during a few hours visit may not be what happens day in day out? I don't know.
One of them told me his wife is a SAHM they have 3 kids and he was saying how hard it is for her,how he has to go home & help her out cos there's no way she can cope..So,after work he goes home and still does chores willingly.This is a full fledged professional warri man!
In my former life,if anyone had told me this I may have said a Nigerian man?? NEVER!!
So,if one partner is stay at home and you get in from work,most times you help out with whatever is left off especially if your partner is swamped.
We live and learn.
I've posted the link up there and it shows that whether a woman works or not,even as the breadwinner she usually does over 70%of the chores.Nature/Nurture? I don't know.
Am i even rambling sef? Maybe.

I get you
There are good men out there for sure


Speaking of child care cost,I shudder to think of how I survived it
My saving grace was that my older ones went to a Nigerian lady who ran a daycare in her home and didn't charge much.I think I paid $60 a week.
When hubby and I lived off stipends,we had an Indian lady next door that kept kids too and didn't charge much either
Then we moved to an expensive area with no Nigerian in sight and then I paid $150 a week for one child for 4 days
Then for my last one,the others were in school we decided to get a live in nanny through an agency because it was just impossible to take a new born out in the cold winter and also make it to work that started at 8,thankfully I got a Cameroonian lady.i specifically asked for an African and we paid $250 a week.That was a decade ago.
Imagine that plus room and board and all she did was watch the baby and pick up the other one from the bus that stopped right in front of the house.as soon as I came home her job was done.
I am so glad that season is over,I can't imagine doing that again.

.If you have 3 nko and hubby earns £3k? Rent/mortgage,Council tax,grocery,Electricity,Water,Gas bills,Insurance,Tv license,tithe & offering for those who pay etc

I quoted this part because it reminded me of a funny thing a friend said
She had her own practice and was so busy ,working Saturdays too and husband travels quite a bit and she said that she has looked all through her schedule for how to find a little time in between work and the kids and their activities and she has no option but to cut out Church
I said CHineke mee
Church kwa?
Of all things
She said yes o
That is the only day left