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I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... - Family (2) - Nairaland

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My Sister Is Married To The Most Chronic Cheat Ever. Please I Need Advice / Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice / I'm Seriously Considering Cheating On My Husband (2) (3) (4)

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by dahmie2013: 11:54pm On May 02, 2015
OP, I think u can't do dis alone. D first reconciliation shud be with ur own parents, go & reconcile with dem first. Den if u eventually get thru 2 ur wife, get eida of dem 2 follow u 2 her place & talk 2 her & her mum.
It is well o! Dis must really be hard 4 u, I can only imagine.

1 Like

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 5:03am On May 03, 2015
steeze:
For a very long time I've been contemplating whether or not to share my story, but I've decided I will. 50 heads are better than one. I will try as much as possible to make it short.

My girlfriend and I were dating for about 2 years. Last year, in my final year, she got pregnant. And being the good girl that she is, I decided we keep the baby. After my final exams we decided to go see the mom (her mom is a single mom, parents are separated) to break the news to her and accept responsibility for the pregnancy. The mom was very welcoming and understanding, and at the time I was having a very major misunderstanding with my folks which they helped me settle. And then we moved into a three bedroom apartment and started making plans and living our lives. We are/were very good together.

Until the pressure started mounting.

I had already assured her and her mom that we would get married as the relationship was heading in that direction and she was a nice girl. I informed my parents and my siblings that i had put someone in the family way and they were in touch. But my girl changed right in front of me as she started demanding that I take her to my papa house, and mounting pressure on me so that we get married this year 2015.

FYI, I just finished school, haven't even gone for service, what's the rush? No be money them they take marry?

Soon they were pressuring me to take a job in her mom's company which I refused but they kept insisting that I just do the job in the meanwhile till I got something better. It got to a point where I felt like I was being rushed but I felt - why not? Make e no be like say person dey rude.

This was my biggest mistake.

Now I'm a pretty competent guy in whatever I do, but it didn't take too long before the insults and rude remarks started coming in small small. The mom transformed from a sweet and charming lady into an aggressive and domineering lady who criticized and tried to control everything I did. I would smile pleasantly through gritted teeth to explain any issue to her before she would understand and keep quiet. This happened repeatedly and each time I threatened to leave the job my girl would beg me to understand. Each time I told her to talk to her mom to watch the way she talks to a prospective in-law she would either:

- Shed tears and beg me to understand.

- Flare up and defend her mom saying she's her mom what do I want her to do?

By the 8th month of her pregnancy, her mom had frustrated me to the point where I had to leave and face my own hustle before I did the unthinkable to her. It was no longer me and my girl against the world. It was her and her mom against me. My girl was more interested in snapping pic and showing me off (our relationship) to her friends than actually making things work.

When I eventually made up my mind to leave, the mom was there to insult me and curse me, and as my girl was rushing after me to beg me to stay with tears in her eyes, her mom gave her some dirty slaps to prevent her from doing so.

Her mom, slapping an 8months pregnant lady.

I was thankful for my escape as I left. They seemed more concerned with roping me in and tying me down than anything else. They didn't seem to care about the fact that I was just starting out in life, na marriage sure pass.

My girl sent me messages and called me a few times, but I was too angry to think straight, and I told her never to call me again. I felt betrayed and hurt and used and emotionally drained.

Until I saw the picture of my newborn son through a mutual friend, and then my life turned upside down again. I wished I never saw the picture cos from that moment I couldn't stop thinking about him.

How was he going to be raised?

Would he be happy?

Would they turn him against me as I strongly suspect they will(especially her mom)?

Why wasn't I informed of my son's arrival to this world?

I'm seriously, seriously depressed and don't know what to do. My life has barely even started. No job but slowly gathering money together for clearance so I can go for service and move on with my life. I'm 25 years old. How can I fight this? Has anyone faced what I'm currently facing? I'm also willing to answer any questions you have relating to this issue without divulging too much details and I beg that this topic remains in this section to protect my privacy.

I need serious advice. This is not a write up, this is my life I beg una. Thank you.

Manhood 101, don't work for your inlaws ,don't work for your wife and for heaven's sake don't live in an accommodation provided you by your inlaws.
The only way for it to work long term is that you have decided to just allow yourself be kicked around like a football
What did you expect ?
The woman owns a business and you say she is succesful
The only way she achieved that success was by running her business her way and any employee must tow that line and do her bidding so I don't fault this woman entirely in that aspect ,she has to be shrewd to stay in business.

Now I will separate her role as an employer from her mother inlaw role
She definitely overstepped her bounds
You had described your girlfriend several times as a good girl
Her mother had a hand in the destruction of her relationship with you

Where I fault you greatly was taking out the frustrations you had with the mom on the daughter to the extent of telling her not to call you
How did you expect to be told when the baby was born when you walked away from the relationship and abandoned an 8 month old pregnant girl.you could have still left the house and remained in touch with the girl.
You are 25 so some of your choices are a factor of your youth
If her mom dislikes and perhaps hates you now,no one will blame her
Her side of the story is that a young man impregnated her precious daughter,she gave him a house and a job and he bailed and left her daughter alone at 8 months.

You and this girl may be good for each other but you are not yet ready for marriage,financially and emotionally
I wish you had listened go your own parents and stuck to your guns

You need to involve your parents and you may need to do some pleading to be allowed go see this baby
At that final showdown,I suspect hurtful words may have been said,apologies may have to be made
They may not have put you on the birth certificate as the father sef because they are angry with you

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by eremy: 5:31am On May 03, 2015
@ steeze, I would like to send you a PM.
You need someone with a similar experience to advise you.
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by DBestDoc(f): 6:33am On May 03, 2015
aflyingbird:
he is your son , u hv a legal right to be in his life , they can't keep u from him . get a Lawyer if u must . get ur own family n friends involved to support u , show dem u hv pple angry . her mother wanted to put a wedge between u and d daughter n u let her succeed . frustrating u to d point of moving out was wat she wanted . maybe she was jealous of ur relationship with d daughter but u shoulda kept in touch with her ater u left . d daughter, do u still luv her ? u don't hv to be with her if u don't . never get back because of a child unless u want all of u to be miserable including the poor baby . buh if u still love her , try working it out buh u hv to find a way to get her away from her mother's control . twhat u should do now's talk to her into letting her see ur child . buy diapers, clothes, other things the baby needs n give her when u see her, it will show u care. get a job so u can be giving her something to take care of him every month . ur son needs u in his life , do wat u need to do as a man to stay be in his life

@ the bolded, What legal right does he have over the child?
From what he wrote, he didn't marry the girl legally neither did he stick with her all through the journey and tough times.

He had the guts to order her never to call him again, and suddenly he wants to be a part of somebody else's struggle, tears and pain.

All i got from the OP is the story of a selfish and proud young man who thinks he can eat his cake and have it back, you no want cool down take life slowly.

"She is rushing me into marriage bla bla bla"....why she no go rush you when you decided to put the cart before the horse, she suddenly turned from a good girl to a devil because you were being persuaded to fix the mess you contributed to and do things properly.

Oga life can never be at your beck n calloo let me tell you. You have to cool down and think things through before making important decisions in life.

To say you decided to move on with your life, abandoning your girlfriend and your unborn child made me smh .....this is the time to do that because that woman and her daughter with the way you painted them won't let you anywhere close to that child, If you like go hire SAN. Except they decide to forgive you ofcourse, which means you have to keep gree gree aside and act as a responsible and grown man.

I may be blunt, but this is exactly the same thing i would tell my brother.

Goodluck!

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by DBestDoc(f): 6:35am On May 03, 2015
babyosisi:


Manhood 101, don't work for your inlaws ,don't work for your wife and for heaven's sake don't live in an accommodation provided you by your inlaws.
The only way for it to work long term is that you have decided to just allow yourself be kicked around like a football
What did you expect ?
The woman owns a business and you say she is succesful
The only way she achieved that success was by running her business her way and any employee must tow that line and do her bidding so I don't fault this woman entirely in that aspect ,she has to be shrewd to stay in business.

Now I will separate her role as an employer from her mother inlaw role
She definitely overstepped her bounds
You had described your girlfriend several times as a good girl
Her mother had a hand in the destruction of her relationship with you

Where I fault you greatly was taking out the frustrations you had with the mom on the daughter to the extent of telling her not to call you
How did you expect to be told when the baby was born when you walked away from the relationship and abandoned an 8 month old pregnant girl.you could have still left the house and remained in touch with the girl.
You are 25 so some of your choices are a factor of your youth
If her mom dislikes and perhaps hates you now,no one will blame her
Her side of the story is that a young man impregnated her precious daughter,she gave him a house and a job and he bailed and left her daughter alone at 8 months.

You and this girl may be good for each other but you are not yet ready for marriage,financially and emotionally
I wish you had listened go your own parents and stuck to your guns

You need to involve your parents and you may need to do some pleading to be allowed go see this baby
At that final showdown,I suspect hurtful words may have been said,apologies may have to be made
They may not have put you on the birth certificate as the father sef because they are angry with you




Thanks for this comment

1 Like

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 8:18am On May 03, 2015
steeze:


We rented a 3 bedroom apartment, bankrolled by her mom. Really dumb I know, but she was so understanding at the time. Was saying how I shouldn't worry, that so far I have accepted responsibility it shall be well with me. Then made hefty promises guaranteeing my financial security to be able to take care of her daughter and grandchild.

Was I greedy? Maybe

Did I believe her? 100%

Did she fulfil any of her promises? No

I'm hustling now to keep body and soul together, can hardly call it work. But I dey sustain myself.

My parents think I should move on and focus on myself. And go for service, get a good job, live my life. They say the child will come looking for me when he's ready and I can have others.

My mom had a relationship with her but it was a bit forced, we had barely settled our big quarrel before I dropped the news that I'd gotten someone pregnant. She wasn't too keen on my whole seriousness towards the affair but was willing to support me for the sake of peace.

I would have attempted to walk away - Yes. But knowing me, and I was with her for 8 months of her pregnancy - I felt the baby kick several times, it's all talk.

I kind of guessed the answers to your questions but wanted to be sure before saying anything by asking you first.

Okay lets flip this round. Had your own daughter gotten pregnant by a man who doesnt have a job and no financial way of looking after her and the new born baby, and you offer him a job and accomodation, but one day the man ups and leaves and tells your daughter never to call him, please give a honest answer how you will feel and what you will do. Remember that you are a parent now too.

You both made the mistake of having unprotected sex and you both not having a plan or something to sustain you both. Moreso the financial responsibility lies more on you the man.

The MIL baled you out, and you took the easy way out of free accomodation and a job you walked into instead of rising up to the task and standing on your own 2 feet. It would have even been better if your own parents had done the bank rolling than the MIL.

The MIL would have wanted better for her daughter . . .all parents do. She maybe was a bit too quick to condem you by not giving you a chance to stand on your own too feet. She also did not take her daughters feelings for you into consideration and as an adult and mother she should also have been there emotionally for both of you, knowing well that you didnt have anything else to fall back on at that period unless you gave her great reason not to.

Your working with her was also a mistake becasue work is different from pleasure and this is the way that she probably runs her business. Naija business women are hard nuts to crack and she didnt want to give you preferntial treatment or her other staff start to take advantage.

My advise to you is 2 things. One to to bury your pride and start to open those doors that you closed down in anger and pride for the sake of your innocent son. He didnt ask to be born into this and secondly start to hustle like there is no tomorrow to provide for your new family.

When you say hustle, I mean serious hustle. You have a child to look after now. You are no longer like your mates who are carefree and are only looking for small change to top up their blackberry. You are now a man, father and an adult and you need to grow up fast.

You are now linked to that family FOREVER even if you dont end up marrying their daughter.

You can never be respected as an inlaw if you are seen to not to be able to look after their daughter. Thats just the unpalatable but plain truth.
When you start providing for your kid and girlfriend, you will see changes in your inlaws towards you.

4 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 8:24am On May 03, 2015
eremy:
@ steeze, I would like to send you a PM. You need someone with a similar experience to advise you.
PM me, I'm willing to listen.
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 8:37am On May 03, 2015
@babyosisi

Thanks for the input. I never wanted to work for the mom or live in accommodation provided by her. I was goaded and pleaded with by both mom and daughter to accept their treaties as they were only trying to help us stand as a young family. I should not have accepted anything from them and that is my biggest regret.

Still, I never hid my position. I am a fresh grad trying to start life and it would take some time for me to stand on solid ground financially, still I was under so much pressure. My anger with my girl was her complacency when I complained to her severally that her mom was actively disrespecting me. If it was all about the money, I would have sucked it up and grovelled for what I could get. It was my pride as a man that drove me away from there when I realized the damage that had been done.

Thank you.
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 8:48am On May 03, 2015
We are talking about a mom who can't hold a man down. A woman who has been through multiple men and multiple marriages. In the short time I was there, one boyfriend was on his way out and another one was coming in. Her disrespectful attitude, aggressiveness and dominance is the chief reason for this. She lacks basic respect for men, and from what I saw there was an active plan in motion to turn me into a doormat.

I had plans for my life, but she and her mom had other plans intended to push me further away from my own career path and keep me under their thumb. There was an active plan to control my destiny, but the more I resisted and stuck to my guns, the madder the mother became.

I'm not trying to defend my position in all this, just saying it as it is.

Still I understand the perspective of the mom; a boy got her daughter pregnant, she tried to help his life and the ungrateful bastard abandoned her daughter and left her for dead. God dey.

I'm focused on my life now, and some of you may be right to blame my actions on youthful exuberance.

1 Like

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 9:25am On May 03, 2015
steeze:
We are talking about a mom who can't hold a man down. A woman who has been through multiple men and multiple marriages. In the short time I was there, one boyfriend was on his way out and another one was coming in. Her disrespectful attitude, aggressiveness and dominance is the chief reason for this. She lacks basic respect for men, and from what I saw there was an active plan in motion to turn me into a doormat.

I had plans for my life, but she and her mom had other plans intended to push me further away from my own career path and keep me under their thumb. There was an active plan to control my destiny, but the more I resisted and stuck to my guns, the madder the mother became.

I'm not trying to defend my position in all this, just saying it as it is.

Still I understand the perspective of the mom; a boy got her daughter pregnant, she tried to help his life and the ungrateful bastard abandoned her daughter and left her for dead. God dey.

I'm focused on my life now, and some of you may be right to blame my actions on youthful exuberance.

You may not want to hear this from anyone, but you are so missing the point

Your MIL's attitude with her men is none of your business and if it was such a problem to you, then you should have stayed clear of her daughter a long time ago and not get her pregnant, knowing that you will be linked to the MIL for life.

You were with the daughter for 2 years so you should have known the type of person that the MIL was. You had a chance to run or stay clear but you didnt.

Infact the more reason why you should have run miles away from her plan of housing and giving you a job, knowing the kind of person that she is.

You cant eat your cake and have it.

As for saying that your gf deliberatly got pregnant so as to hold you down. Please erase that thought.
I also dont beleive that mother and daughter planned and choose to move you away from your career path.
You made the diversion yourself when you got someone pregnant and had to dance to anothers tune so as to put food on your table and a roof over your head
It would have even been better if you had moved back home with your gf. At least that is still your fathers house.

Sorry if I am being abrupt. This is the same I will tell a junior brother.

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 9:55am On May 03, 2015
^^ Your opinion and I respect it. Life is not black and white but shades of grey. It was the pregnancy that led me to meet the MIL, I never knew her or her character before hand. And food and shelter had never been a problem for me as a single man. The mistake I made was caving into their desires in the first place. Lessons have been learned. Thank you!

2 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 9:59am On May 03, 2015
Also want to thank all those who sent me PMs and offered valuable advice. I really appreciate.

Will try my best to right my wrongs. Sometimes we feel like certain things cannot happen to us until it happens.
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 10:17am On May 03, 2015
I feel really sorry for the girl
We all know our society
The man walked away when she was 8 months pregnant. . . but where can she run to? Nowhere.
She went through labour all alone and the shame of naming her own first child in her own mothers house . . .no husband or man to stand by her. The baby wasnt even given a name by his biological father.

Now the man is still walking on and living his life like nothings happened but she is left with the baby and the stigma of being a single mum.
Any fight she has in the area and that is the first thing that she will be abused with

In a few years time when the man is all settled with a good job and wants to get married, he wont go for a single mum. He will want a no baggage tear rubber lady to be his wife (another of societys unwritten rules)

The woman on the other hand may struggle to find a decent man that will love her and love her son like his own. How many families will allow their sons to marry an after one? (those will be their exact words)

Girls need to take a few minutes to think long term of what they are getting themselves into and with who and what a 5 minute sexual encounter can result to in the long term, especially as its the girls suffer the most when things go wrong as this girl is suffering now.

I havent heard anything about this girls education. Probably put on hold due to the pregnancy. She may even never go back and finish it. No man to support her. No education, no husband and a single mum . . . It is well.

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by geeudy(f): 10:55am On May 03, 2015
aflyingbird:
he is your son , u hv a legal right to be in his life , they can't keep u from him . get a Lawyer if u must . get ur own family n friends involved to support u , show dem u hv pple angry . her mother wanted to put a wedge between u and d daughter n u let her succeed . frustrating u to d point of moving out was wat she wanted . maybe she was jealous of ur relationship with d daughter but u shoulda kept in touch with her ater u left . d daughter, do u still luv her ? u don't hv to be with her if u don't . never get back because of a child unless u want all of u to be miserable including the poor baby . buh if u still love her , try working it out buh u hv to find a way to get her away from her mother's control . twhat u should do now's talk to her into letting her see ur child . buy diapers, clothes, other things the baby needs n give her when u see her, it will show u care. get a job so u can be giving her something to take care of him every month . ur son needs u in his life , do wat u need to do as a man to stay be in his life
pls let's call a spade a spade, everyone is not seeing the other side of the story. OP no matter how angry you were, that dosen't mean u should tell your girlfriend never to call you again. If I may say, you are heartless, for christ sake, u should understand that this girl in question was under her mum's control and they was nothing she could do then, because she was getting her daily need from her mum. Pls go back to the drawing board and make a difference in her life. Pls don't just talk about your son alone, consider her own feelings, if you know what she actually passed through to bring your son into this world, you will not neglect her. Pls go to her house, with a member of your family, and beg for forgiveness, also tell them why you left. And make them understand that you are now a daddy, and you deserve some respect from their family. Pls do it as quick as possible, your girlfriend is really missing you and she wishes you were actually there for her. She needs you now more than ever.

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Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by jpphilips(m): 11:53am On May 03, 2015
steeze:


Thank you for this insightful question.

I want my son, but I do not have the means to raise him or get involved in any court case with the family who would be more than willing to fight me for it.

I thought I wanted my girl, but I can never marry into that family anymore. God will not permit. I believe she intentionally conceived to tie me down, and I gullibly fell for it. She wasn't such a good girl as she initially had me believe.

I want my life and my sanity, I was making progress until I saw the pic of him. And he looked just like me.

I feel so helpless.

You musnt get everything you want, no sane court will grant you custody of that child except your parents have a good reason to do so on your behalf.

For now, face your future but keep in touch with your child though the family may wish to deprive you of that.

You just have to move on, when the child grows, he will understand, if he doesn't nothing you can do!!

1 Like

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by udz: 12:57pm On May 03, 2015
There is no humility in being poor.
There is time for everything.
Too much of everything is bad.
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

OP, U Hear this wise sayings everyday and in ur situation, I wont blame U but will simply point out some facts.


1. U are not the first baby daddy, but theres time for everything, U need cash to maintain a woman and child, the more money, the more respect. GBAM !!!!

2. Having made the mistake of have skin to skin sex, I wont dwell much on dat. But hey nigga , U should have hit the street as soon as U knew U were gonna be a daddy. U should have stayed on ur own. even if na squating or batcher, but making sure U call ur girl and the mum to donate something atleast every month. Instead, U were waiting for nysc... fresh grad things.

3. The mum is a god to her daugther, ur girls is a mummies girl and U should have not taken anything from the woman. Getting a girl preggy is not a big deal, U dont cash money from the bank with it. if U knw what I mean. Alot of ppl can do it.

4. U stayed in 3bedroom flat, u knw how much it cost. U became confortable untill the mother dangled a job in front of U and U accepted. why not, U have be boxed by the mother.

5. When the mother begin bad mouth U, Trust women na cos i knw exactly what U went thru which I cant even stand. but in Ur situation U for just chill do like mumu but na U get ur mind. as soon as u go for service, dats it. stick and love ur baby moma, dis could have made the love btw u and her stronger cos u didnt get killed by her mums bashing.

4. Always guide ur words from saying things U neva mean or can withstand till the end.

So what should U do?
.... try to reconcile with ur baby moma atleast to talking terms. thanx for mobile phone.

..... Tell urself that U must make money and make it big

..... U musnt marry her but U must take care of ur son.

finally, I must say something abt U . U are a nice fella, good writer and intelligent. emotional but be strong. One love.

2 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by MRBrownJ: 1:42pm On May 03, 2015
@OP
this child is your SON whether you contributed to anything in his life or not. you have the RIGHT to demand to see him, although i am not too sure if some deluded in laws would stop you from having such a contact. if you are not a threat to the child's life and wellbeing then there shouldnt be any issue. remember, do NOT accept any blackmail that they may ask of you, in order for you to see your son. if you are broke (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you cant provide for the child, and thats what you have to say. tell them that you will provide for him as soon (and as much) as you possibly can, when you get on your feet. DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT JOB, no matter how they want to package it.

to be a proper father for this child, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and believe in whom you see in the mirror. you tried your best to make this insane situation work, and you fail. let this be a great lesson for you.

as for your ex, you should be nice to her, but certainly forget about having a r/ship with her until you BOTH grow up, but you should be nice to her .... as for the MIL, the next time she remotely talk to you in a demeaning way, give her the best tongue lashing of her life by telling her your
mind.

3 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 1:56pm On May 03, 2015
Bro e no easy to chill o, my pride couldn't take it anymore. Like I said in my original post, I'm not working (no regular job) but I hustle to get money to sustain (legit and street). I do okay as a single guy. I just need to focus more on getting enough money to take care of her and earn her family's respect - away from the pressure and shadow of her mom. No more child's play.

Some harsh truths in this thread, but it's well noted.

Like someone else noted, I may have been heartless.
Believe me I realize my mistakes, just wonder if my girl and I can come back from all this. I called her yesterday and I intend to continue to keep in touch. Let's see how it goes.

Thanks for the compliment bro. Thank NL fam I just had to let it all out and do a painful and honest analysis of myself. Jah bless.

2 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 2:07pm On May 03, 2015
MRBrownJ:
@OP
this child is your SON whether you contributed to anything in his life or not. you have the RIGHT to demand to see him, although i am not too sure if some deluded in laws would stop you from having such a contact. if you are not a threat to the child's life and wellbeing then there shouldnt be any issue. remember, do NOT accept any blackmail that they may ask of you, in order for you to see your son. if you are broke (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you cant provide for the child, and thats what you have to say. tell them that you will provide for him as soon (and as much) as you possibly can, when you get on your feet. DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT JOB, no matter how they want to package it.

to be a proper father for this child, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and believe in whom you see in the mirror. you tried your best to make this insane situation work, and you fail. let this be a great lesson for you.

as for your ex, you should be nice to her, but certainly forget about having a r/ship with her until you BOTH grow up, but you should be nice to her .... as for the MIL, the next time she remotely talk to you in a demeaning way, give her the best tongue lashing of her life by telling her your
mind.
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by steeze(m): 2:09pm On May 03, 2015
MRBrownJ:
@OP
this child is your SON whether you contributed to anything in his life or not. you have the RIGHT to demand to see him, although i am not too sure if some deluded in laws would stop you from having such a contact. if you are not a threat to the child's life and wellbeing then there shouldnt be any issue. remember, do NOT accept any blackmail that they may ask of you, in order for you to see your son. if you are broke (and there is nothing wrong with that) then you cant provide for the child, and thats what you have to say. tell them that you will provide for him as soon (and as much) as you possibly can, when you get on your feet. DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT JOB, no matter how they want to package it.

to be a proper father for this child, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and believe in whom you see in the mirror. you tried your best to make this insane situation work, and you fail. let this be a great lesson for you.

as for your ex, you should be nice to her, but certainly forget about having a r/ship with her until you BOTH grow up, but you should be nice to her .... as for the MIL, the next time she remotely talk to you in a demeaning way, give her the best tongue lashing of her life by telling her your
mind.

You mirror my thoughts, I really tried to make it work. I had reached boiling point before I acted out. As for the job, I never really wanted it in the first place, it was offered to me repeatedly and I just decided to accept. I have my own hustle at the side that I use to get by, and it going to a point where working for the mom began to take up all of my time. It wasn't a healthy environment for me at all. I was a little greedy but it wasn't worth it.

You summed it up by saying I was trying to make an insane situation work.

1 Like

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by iamblessed4ever: 2:31pm On May 03, 2015
Op you selfish and greedy and only thinking about yourself. I bet you just told the story to suit you and make you look innocent,I feel for the girl and look at you talking about the girl tying you Dow with pregnancy .smh and you are saying you just want ur son..i don't get people sometimes,after you abandoned her you now want to come and claim the child as what nau?u don't even care if she is ok, and some people are advising you to move on and not beg too much shebbi sperm never finish for your body. U have forhotten that karm can slap that sperm out of you when you need it jut cis u neglected you first child,if u don't behave yourself and do the right thing u will regret it.

Your family is giving u the wrong advice by telling you that ur son will look for u when he is ready because you are God almighty or what I don't get,where I'm from we don't look for who doesn't want us.u just want to fold ur arms for many years and wait for him to reach out to u. Are the son and him the father?where is your sense? If you don't crawl on your knees till it peels and beg for forgiveness and make things right,that innocent child's face will haunt you forever and you wont like the outcome. Its not a course but its an advice. Go and beg very well,they are humans and when they see how serious you are things will change

If u decide to take it to court u will loose.

10 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 3:24pm On May 03, 2015
steeze:


You mirror my thoughts, I really tried to make it work. I had reached boiling point before I acted out. As for the job, I never really wanted it in the first place, it was offered to me repeatedly and I just decided to accept. I have my own hustle at the side that I use to get by, and it going to a point where working for the mom began to take up all of my time. It wasn't a healthy environment for me at all. I was a little greedy but it wasn't worth it.

You summed it up by saying I was trying to make an insane situation work.

Honestly you need to take a step back and put yourself in another partys position. You seem to be seeing it only from your view and you think that you are the victim. Actually you are not the victim. Far from it.

You say that They begged you, they forced you bla bla!!! . . . . You are even lucky that a door of oppourtunity was opened up to you for you to get your foot on the ladder. Some parents would have thrown their pregnant daughters out to go and live with the man who impregnanated her. What would you have done if her mother had done that? Instread she rented a 3 bed apartment for you and gave you a job

You are also lucky that you didnt get a mad gun trigger happy mans daugher pregnant and walked away.

Bad choices end up in bad results at the end of the day, be it 10 days or 100 years.

Funny enough this is exactly what we are saying . . . .if there was to be a man in that household, you probably would have given that MIL more respect, is it becasue she is alone herself, that you think that she has no right to tell you anything you dont want to hear?

You say that you are okay to fend for yourself but You seem to forget that its no longer just about you anymore. You have a family to support.

I am also amazed at the comments I am reading along the lines of forget and move on . . This is a whole child & not a pair of jeans that was stolen off the clothes line.
This is one of the reasons the society is the way it is . . .children are brougt up in dysfunctional homes and and with skewed mindsets and history keeps on repeating itself.

Its good to hear that you are making efforts to get in touch with your gf. You know the right thing to do. Just Do it.

10 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 3:41pm On May 03, 2015
MarvellousGod:
Op, what were you expecting when the mum started taking care of all the financial responsibilities? ? undecided... You lost your respect that moment...

Things are really like this because you took up responsibilities you couldn't handle. .. Anyway, mistake already made....

If you must have contact with your son, then you have to reconcile with the mother (your ex)... so you just find a way to do that. ...

Then, if you love the lady and think she's someone you can settle down with, then win her back... Forget about her mum's attitude cos she'll change the moment you have a means of livelihood. ... An average parent will be frustrated to know that her daughter is pregnant out of wedlock talk more of the man responsible for the pregnancy being jobless. .. No parent will be happy. . You expected her to be happy paying your house rent and other bills??

Also, all you care about now is your son, you don't even care about how the mother is faring, how she passed through labour et al...or you think your baby fell from heaven? undecided


As in!!!! This guy is VERY wicked and selfish and he doesn't even know it angry. When he 'escaped' his girls mum was slapping her and the only thing he could do was run away. Lord!

Steeze, you need to start paying for your child. Babies cost money, they eat, shit, wear clothes, need housing, play with toys ati bee bee Lo. man up!

3 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 4:03pm On May 03, 2015
steeze:
@babyosisi

Thanks for the input. I never wanted to work for the mom or live in accommodation provided by her. I was goaded and pleaded with by both mom and daughter to accept their treaties as they were only trying to help us stand as a young family. I should not have accepted anything from them and that is my biggest regret.

Still, I never hid my position. I am a fresh grad trying to start life and it would take some time for me to stand on solid ground financially, still I was under so much pressure. My anger with my girl was her complacency when I complained to her severally that her mom was actively disrespecting me. If it was all about the money, I would have sucked it up and grovelled for what I could get. It was my pride as a man that drove me away from there when I realized the damage that had been done.

Thank you.

The horse has since left that stable nna a
You don't impregnate a girl who is yet to start her own life and then remember all of a sudden that you are young and a fresh grad.
How about her??
Hasn't she suspended her own education and put her life on hold because of this situation?
You sound selfish and self centered please
The everyday taking care of that baby is resting on her mom and her, so stop complaining
If you think you are suffering,multiply that by a factor of 100 and that is her position at this moment.
You can come and go now as you please
You don't have to worry about sick baby visits and well baby visit for immunization
Sleepless nights with screaming baby has no meaning to you
Not to talk of the shame of a young girl having a baby out of wedlock ,do you know how shameful it is?
Do you realize her chances of a good husband pool could be diminished by this?
Let me not even mention the finances involved
Stop complaining I say
Enough
If you want solutions,read what people are advising you to do

8 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 4:09pm On May 03, 2015
You now have a child and are entitled to being in his life, but you should make amends with the mother so you can work together amicably.

6 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 4:12pm On May 03, 2015
MRBrownJ:
@OP
this child is your SON whether you contributed to anything in his life or not. you have the RIGHT to demand to see him, although i am not too sure if some deluded in laws would stop you from having such a contact. if you are not a threat to the child's life and wellbeing then there shouldnt be any issue. remember,
.

Honey it doesn't work that way
I know someone that refused to put the man on the birth certificate after he abandoned her and the courts couldn't do a thing about it
Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Nobody: 4:22pm On May 03, 2015
steeze:
We are talking about a mom who can't hold a man down. A woman who has been through multiple men and multiple marriages. In the short time I was there, one boyfriend was on his way out and another one was coming in. Her disrespectful attitude, aggressiveness and dominance is the chief reason for this. She lacks basic respect for men, and from what I saw there was an active plan in motion to turn me into a doormat.

I had plans for my life, but she and her mom had other plans intended to push me further away from my own career path and keep me under their thumb. There was an active plan to control my destiny, but the more I resisted and stuck to my guns, the madder the mother became.

I'm not trying to defend my position in all this, just saying it as it is.

Still I understand the perspective of the mom; a boy got her daughter pregnant, she tried to help his life and the ungrateful bastard abandoned her daughter and left her for dead. God dey.

I'm focused on my life now, and some of you may be right to blame my actions on youthful exuberance.

Look
Even if her mother is a licensed and practicing ashawo,that is besides the point
None of your business
She didn't ask you to impregnante her daughter

From the few posts you have here,I see the picture a little clearer
If you don't lose this self centered attitude,you may not last at your next job too

4 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by amtheone(m): 4:29pm On May 03, 2015
@steeze

U need as a matter of urgency to get in touch with ur gf. I believe that if ur gf's mum is given opportunity to share her own story here, it would mean a different thing.

U really dont have a digit of idea what women go through in giving birth. If u, in the future have d previledge of being in delivery room with ur wife, ur respect for women will increase.

U need their forgiveness first. Forget all these stuff u r sharing here. U dont know what d girl would have gone tru if d mum was not financially enabled. Taking care of a nursing mum is not beans.

Take some elders frm ur family with u. Kneel down and beg that woman ohhhhh.

6 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by MRBrownJ: 5:03pm On May 03, 2015
@Steeze
you did what you could at the time with the tools that you had, in order to try to make this situation "seem" right. you shouldnt blame yourself too much on that, and instead focus on whats important here: getting back in your child's life THE RIGHT WAY. dont let anyone anymore dictate what you should (or not) do with what you desire/require for your life.

babyosisi:

Honey it doesn't work that way
I know someone that refused to put the man on the birth certificate after he abandoned her and the courts couldn't do a thing about it

a simple DNA test would solve that....it will take time and money but the issue would be solved eventually.... and guess what? the only loser in such act would be the CHILD. if a mother is foolish enough and wants to make life harder for a father to meet his child (out of spite) then so be it but the father shouldnt lose hope or dance to their tune for that reason.

2 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by Ngokafor(f): 5:05pm On May 03, 2015
...Oh dear!..poor op's girlfriend is all i can say now.

..she is about to be a single mother,derided and ridiculed by our very judgemental soceity for being 'loose'and irresponsible while her baby's father is all about 'oh my life and getting it back on track blablabla' undecided

..do i feel sympathy for the op?..a big no with no apologies.

6 Likes

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by babygirlfl: 5:43pm On May 03, 2015
steeze:
We are talking about a mom who can't hold a man down. A woman who has been through multiple men and multiple marriages. In the short time I was there, one boyfriend was on his way out and another one was coming in. Her disrespectful attitude, aggressiveness and dominance is the chief reason for this. She lacks basic respect for men, and from what I saw there was an active plan in motion to turn me into a doormat.

I had plans for my life, but she and her mom had other plans intended to push me further away from my own career path and keep me under their thumb. There was an active plan to control my destiny, but the more I resisted and stuck to my guns, the madder the mother became.

I'm not trying to defend my position in all this, just saying it as it is.

Still I understand the perspective of the mom; a boy got her daughter pregnant, she tried to help his life and the ungrateful bastard abandoned her daughter and left her for dead. God dey.

I'm focused on my life now, and some of you may be right to blame my actions on youthful exuberance.

After reading this post, all I can say is that it's not your fault. It's the fault of that girlfriend of yours who got herself in a situation where you had the chance to say this about her mum.

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: I Need Advice, I'm Seriously Lost... by cococandy(f): 6:19pm On May 03, 2015
OP you can still make it right.
Reaally apologize to your girl. Tell her you want to be a part of her and baby's life. She was begging you when you left and you told her not to ever call you again. For now, she's still upset but I believe she would want to be wih you when the dust clears.
Keep in touch and contribute what little you can even if it is only for diapers. If she will let you,Visit and help her out too with some baby care when you can. Hold your baby and show her that you want want to be the father. But whatever you do, don't be the absentee dad who walks in years later and expect things to be normal. That's horrible advice from your folks.

Then when you can, pls settle down with your babe and your child and the mom will naturally respect you.

Honestly, I think if you'd been Humble enough in the beginning, you could have stayed there in her work place until you've saved some money to start up something of your own if no other job was forth coming. Seeing as you didn't even have to pay rent, the rent money could have improved your savings a bit.

When you see yourself in a bad situation, you plan carefully, endure a little discomfort here and there and then make your move very calculatedly. No rash judgments and decisions or it always backfires.

With what you're saying here about her mom, who knows if you had some disrespectful attitude towards her even while living in her house or you were giving her that self righteous look when guys come to visit her instead of minding your business.

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