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Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 10:52am On Mar 08, 2016
Hello nairalanders, I'm in a situation that has been giving me sleepless nights. This is a new account i created just to protect my identity.
I got married 11 months ago to my best friend. We dated for about 8yrs before we got married, though we broke up in between and were apart for about 3yrs before finally coming back together again.
Part of the reasons why i broke up with him was, he took advantage of the fact that i was the type who doesn't ask him for anything. If i even collect money from him when we were dating, i always give him back and he'll take it. Because of that, he too didn't bother spending on me. He never took the initiative to buy me things or took me out as other boyfriends do. So i felt he didn't appreciate the fact that i'm not a demanding girlfriend. Though there was a time i had issues from home and didn't have money for my rent, he raised the money for me. That is the only time he gave me cash. And that is something i never forgot.
Fast forward to the present, he's currently not working. He is an entrepreneur who has been pursuing one project or another. While i'm also an entrepreneur but i have lots of clients i work with, so i'm the only one who brings in money to the home. The house we are living in, i paid 80% of the rent and the furnishing was entirely from my pocket. The car we are using, i got it with my money. I've been the one taking care of every single expenses in the house since we got married last year. I also make sure he gets clothes for himself with my money. When i get paid by clients, sometimes i give him money to send home to his parents and i send to mine as well.
He hasn't brought a dime home since after our wedding.
But he has been very very supportive, caring and faithful. Sometimes he takes me to my meetings with clients and waits for me till i'm done. He helps with house chores most times when i'm tired.
My problem now is, i know it is the responsibility of the man to provide for the home. I've advised that he gets a job for the meantime until his projects actualize, so that he can at least be bringing something home. But he refused. I have access to all his atms and his phone so its not a case of he's hiding his money.
Right now, i'm unable to work due to complications from my pregnancy so money is no longer coming from my end. Our rent expires in two months. Baby will arrive in months. But we are penniless. I've exhausted all my savings on hospital bills and our home expenses. I've asked him twice what's the plan, and he said he's still hoping on his projects. I asked him to at least look for something to do for now so we can gather our rent but he's sluggish about it. Everyday he'll just sit at home with me and be sleeping or watching movies.
I've gotten to my boiling point. I'm frustrated. If i had been saving my money since i got married, i would have saved up to 2 million naira. But now i have nothing. What do i do? Is there any mistake i made?
It's a very confusing situation because he gives me all the support and care i need, but he himself does not go out there to hustle and make sure money comes in for us to at least feed. The money with me now won't last us more than this week.
Please help me with matured advice & sorry for the long writeup.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by kaffy4tope(m): 11:00am On Mar 08, 2016
What advise can we give to a married woman with a new baby? You courted him for years so you knew him in & out before walking the aisle with him. Abi you expect us to tell you to leave him or use him as money rituals ni?

You were blindly in love wid him when u still had options of leaving him. My dear, is too late now ooo. Keep praying and advising him, that's your cross you have to carry.



Enjoy your home.

6 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 11:04am On Mar 08, 2016
Hmmm. My dear stop worrying. He is relaxed because you are doing all the worrying so he believes you will find a way to sort things out. Just tell him, ' Hubby, the money I have left will only last till end of the week' and then sit down and be looking. Don't give any suggestions, don't do anything. When he sees that you have stopped carrying the burden hopefully he will buck up.

Also, do you have any parents or family member you can go to if worst comes to worst? . At least somewhere that you can go to have your baby and then rebuild your life until your hubby gets his head together. Please never pay for everything again, you have seen the kind of person your hubby is. If you even have money do not tell him. He needs that push to get out there. Please stop worrying for the sake of your baby

43 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Kondomatic(m): 11:07am On Mar 08, 2016
He is caring, supportive, does chores etc right?


Just forget who has the balls or Vgay, you're the husband and he's the wife so continue being the head of the home.

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Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by ILOVEFOOD: 11:11am On Mar 08, 2016
Wat's wrong with him Sorry 2 say but ur husband is an excuse for a man.

If u cn do it, go 2 any of ur relatives around n stay with dem till e finds smthing doing. His sense fit reset bak haba,

Wat a joke

3 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by gabinogem(m): 11:12am On Mar 08, 2016
Too bad, u took the generosity just too far.


My advice: notify his parents & ur parents about the situation at hand. Notify him 1st before u embark on such. Maybe that will motivate him to get something doing.

1 Like

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 11:12am On Mar 08, 2016
kaffy4tope:
What advise can we give to a married woman with a new baby? You courted him for years so you knew him in & out before walking the aisle with him. Abi you expect us to tell you to leave him or use him as money rituals ni?

You were blindly in love wid him when u still had options of leaving him. My dear, is too late now ooo. Keep praying and advising him, that's your cross you have to carry.



Enjoy your home.

I know its my cross already, you don't have to state the painful obvious fact. I'm looking for a way forward or the best way to handle the situation. Before we got married when he was still serving and working, he was helping me out financially from the little they were paying him. If he has, he will spend. But now he's not bothered about ensuring he makes money and that is what i'm concerned about

2 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 11:16am On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:


I know its my cross already, you don't have to state the painful obvious fact. I'm looking for a way forward or the best way to handle the situation. Before we got married when he was still serving and working, he was helping me out financially from the little they were paying him. If he has, he will spend. But now he's not bothered about ensuring he makes money and that is what i'm concerned about

My dear stop worrying. At least you know you can make money to fend for yourself a d your baby if worst comes to worst. Just stop enabling him. Right now you need to focus on how to have your baby safely.

Don't mind what this chap said. You do NOT have to carry this cross.

2 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 11:18am On Mar 08, 2016
gabinogem:
Too bad, u took the generosity just too far.


My advice: notify his parents & ur parents about the situation at hand. Notify him 1st before u embark on such. Maybe that will motivate him to get something doing.

If my mum hears of this, she will be devastated. Because its same thing my dad makes her go through sometimes. Tho my dad's case is different because he makes sure she is comfortable but will never drop money for food or bills at home. She does it herself.

I've always read that a wife should support her husband when he's down financially. That is why i did all that, with hopes that soon he'll start making money again. I didn't want to be like those women who vow not to spend their money for a man. Maybe i was wrong cry

1 Like

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by PresVA: 11:19am On Mar 08, 2016
I feel you, op... He should atleast hustle no matter how little..

Is there any way you can help him? Like assisting him actualize his projects? You can also help him submit CVs to companies and individuals.... what about raising a lil money to start a small business?
Even bringing someone he respects to talk to him?
He may also be lacking motivation due to 'failures' in his projects; try to encourage him more...

Then, why did he refuse to do any other thing despite his projects not working? What were his reasons? Hope he knows your bank account is red? undecided

Please, don't start disrespecting or nagging him because of this, it will do more harm... I think it's the kinda person he's(not a good one though) and you allowed that all through the relationship until it started choking you..
You just have to be patient till he changes. .

All the best

3 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 11:21am On Mar 08, 2016
Wow!
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 11:28am On Mar 08, 2016
PresVA:
I feel you, op... He should atleast hustle no matter how little..
Is there any way you can help him? Like assisting him actualize his projects? You can also help him submit CVs to companies and individuals.... what about raising a lil money to start a small business?
Even bringing someone he respects to talk to him?
He may also be lacking motivation due to 'failures' in his projects; try to encourage him more...
Then, why did he refuse to do any other thing despite his projects not working? What were his reasons? Hope he knows your bank account is red? undecided
Please, don't start disrespecting or nagging him because of this, it will do more harm... I think it's the kinda person he's(not a good one though) and you allowed that all through the relationship until it started choking you..
You just have to be patient and hope he changes. .
All the best

He has access to my account so he knows its red. He doesn't want to work fulltime under anyone otherwise, it won't take me more than 2weeks to find him a job. I was the one who helped him get a job during his NYSC.
Someone asked him yesterday to submit a proposal for something. I gave him ideas on how it should be. Till now as i'm typing this, he hasnt started writing the proposal and the deadline is tomorrow. I'll still be the one to remind him to write it before he'll make the move.
I was thinking of telling someone who can talk to him, but i don't know if telling a third party about our marital issues is a good idea or not.

1 Like

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by gabinogem(m): 11:36am On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:


If my mum hears of this, she will be devastated. Because its same thing my dad makes her go through sometimes. Tho my dad's case is different because he makes sure she is comfortable but will never drop money for food or bills at home. She does it herself.

I've always read that a wife should support her husband when he's down financially. That is why i did all that, with hopes that soon he'll start making money again. I didn't want to be like those women who vow not to spend their money for a man. Maybe i was wrong cry
I know it's going to be difficult for u to adopt the habit of being frugal especially when it comes to ur husband, but u can't live a fulfilling life trying to please him & displeasing urself.

Take a bold step henceforth & live ur life for u & ur kids, since it's obvious ur husband wants to remain on the sideline & doesn't know the meaning of marriage.

6 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Dyt(f): 11:36am On Mar 08, 2016
You can get him a job in two weeks but don't wanna work under anyone?
Yet his project still outstanding
To submit proposal he's being sluggish about it

My ever pretty lady
Sorry you got yourself a LAZY, EXTREME lazy egoistic man
Will be hard to change him for he knows you will always provide

I bet you have spoken gently
Wifely
Lovely
Have you tried the other way?
You expecting a child
He needs more than the house chores he does
Reality baby
Wake up
More coming your way
You can't keep watching him without doing nothing
I have been a victim of irresponsible men
I am speaking from experience else you will be like this all your days

angry

5 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 11:39am On Mar 08, 2016
fem29:


My dear stop worrying. At least you know you can make money to fend for yourself a d your baby if worst comes to worst. Just stop enabling him. Right now you need to focus on how to have your baby safely.

Don't mind what this chap said. You do NOT have to carry this cross.

Thanks a lot. I already told him i'm not going to worry over rent and baby expenses. Its his turn to take over and carry the responsibilities of the home. He said i shouldn't worry, that his projects might actualize before then. That was same promise he gave me in November. Till now i've not seen a dime. So i told him if our rent expires against us, i'll get my things together to go back home to my parents till he realises how serious the situation is.
The cash we have on hand now was given to me by my kid brother. I couldn't fold my hands and do nothing when we ran out of cash because i'll also be suffering my baby. I can't starve with a baby inside me. I was so embarrassed to ask my brother for money when i should be the one giving him. But he understood i'm really in a tight fix, because he knows how much i've spent on him in the past.

4 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by PresVA: 11:40am On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:


He doesn't want to work fulltime under anyone otherwise, it won't take me more than 2weeks to find him a job. I was the one who helped him get a job during his NYSC.
Someone asked him yesterday to submit a proposal for something. I gave him ideas on how it should be. Till now as i'm typing this, he hasnt started writing the proposal and the deadline is tomorrow. I'll still be the one to remind him to write it before he'll make the move.
I was thinking of telling someone who can talk to him, but i don't know if telling a third party about our marital issues is a good idea or not.
Nawa ooo... why is he this sluggish? Imagine!
He needs some form of motivation. .he needs to sit up!! Even when an opportunity is right before him, he's still so lazy!
Don't know what to suggest really; what do you think will spur him to action?
Motivational books/videos?
Maybe you show him the baby list and things needed to be bought?
Tell him the possibility of your landlord asking you out of the house? And how shameful it would be?
Maybe tomorrow, pretend no money for food or water? Let me see what he'll do?

About third parties, I don't really advice that expect the situation is getting out of hand..Instead of one dying in silence. ..The third party shouldn't go beyond parents!

Alll d best dear.. This too will pass, it's just a phase .. be strong. .

3 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 11:57am On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:


Thanks a lot. I already told him i'm not going to worry over rent and baby expenses. Its his turn to take over and carry the responsibilities of the home. He said i shouldn't worry, that his projects might actualize before then. That was same promise he gave me in November. Till now i've not seen a dime. So i told him if our rent expires against us, i'll get my things together to go back home to my parents till he realises how serious the situation is.
The cash we have on hand now was given to me by my kid brother. I couldn't fold my hands and do nothing when we ran out of cash because i'll also be suffering my baby. I can't starve with a baby inside me. I was so embarrassed to ask my brother for money when i should be the one giving him. But he understood i'm really in a tight fix, because he knows how much i've spent on him in the past.

My dear that is it exactly. He feels you will always get money anyhow you can. Please if the money finishes start crying and act helpless. ( please keep a little bit of food aside to eat in private because of the baby grin). If you do not make a stand now, this will be how things will be. If he still does not get up and do something after that then please pack your stuff and go and have your baby at your parents.

6 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 12:00pm On Mar 08, 2016
I know its not possible to have a perfect husband but if only he can man up to his responsibilities and provide for his home, i'll be satisfied. His friends envy us and think he's the one taking care of me, not knowing i'm the one burning my pockets.
Anytime i talk to him seriously about it(i've never insulted him or used demeaming words on him), he'll bury his head in shame and apologise, as well as make promises to do his best and then refer to his projects. Funny enough the money he's expecting from the projects can barely cover our rent. So what happens after then?

3 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by chinweAlice816: 12:13pm On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:


He has access to my account so he knows its red. He doesn't want to work fulltime under anyone otherwise, it won't take me more than 2weeks to find him a job. I was the one who helped him get a job during his NYSC. Pls focus on taking care of ur self and deliver ur baby for now, all this worries can give you high bp and you know that is not good for ur condition. Pray and commit everything in hands of God. You can go to ur parents house and give birth to ur baby that will give him time to reset his mindset. Pls what do you do?. I need a good business idea or something that i can invest in. Waiting for your reply.
Someone asked him yesterday to submit a proposal for something. I gave him ideas on how it should be. Till now as i'm typing this, he hasnt started writing the proposal and the deadline is tomorrow. I'll still be the one to remind him to write it before he'll make the move.
I was thinking of telling someone who can talk to him, but i don't know if telling a third party about our marital issues is a good idea or not.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 12:15pm On Mar 08, 2016
@Op Dyt has said it all. I wish you the best!
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by WorriedGal(f): 12:18pm On Mar 08, 2016
chinweAlice816:
Pls focus on taking care of ur self and deliver ur baby for now, all this worries can give you high bp and you know that is not good for ur condition. Pray and commit everything in hands of God. You can go to ur parents house and give birth to ur baby that will give him time to reset his mindset. Pls what do you do?. I need a good business idea or something that i can invest in. Waiting for your reply.

Thanks a lot. I'm into social media marketing for brands. I handle most of my jobs from home so i can have time for other things. Its a business that requires skill, experience and good relationship with clients.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by chinweAlice816: 12:20pm On Mar 08, 2016
Pls focus on taking care of ur self and deliver ur baby first, disturbing ur self can rise your bp and you know is not good for your condition. Pls what do you do? I need a good business idea or something i can invest in.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by enoqueen: 12:40pm On Mar 08, 2016
Give him space to reset his destiny.

9 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Breadseller(f): 12:44pm On Mar 08, 2016
Lord have mercy!

1 Like

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 1:27pm On Mar 08, 2016
Take good care of yourself dear
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by chinweAlice816: 1:34pm On Mar 08, 2016
WorriedGal:

Thanks for ur reply and accepting to take care of ur self for the sake ur life and that precious life inside of you. Pls can you send me a mail and tutor me on that, i also want to into blogging and other online business. alicechiwendu@gmail.com. Thanks in anticipation.
Thanks a lot. I'm into social media marketing for brands. I handle most of my jobs from home so i can have time for other things. Its a business that requires skill, experience and good relationship with clients.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Vyolet(f): 2:07pm On Mar 08, 2016
... and the funny part is that, you can't cook your own food and clean up the kitchen without him knowing cos he is always at home. grin grin.
Solo would have been the best for now until he learns.
Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by angiemartinez(f): 2:31pm On Mar 08, 2016
This is what you get when you take over the full responsibility of a man forgetting all that God created us to be is help meet.

My advice, forget emotions for now, cross your mind and focus on yourself.
When he wakes up and says wify no food, jokingly tell him that you just ate the last food cos baby gat to stay healthy. When hunger deal with am 2 times him go enter street hussle by force.

4 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Nobody: 3:10pm On Mar 08, 2016
Hmmmm...
Apologising and sober mood won't put food on the table or make money fall from the sky...
For the sake of your sanity, go to your folks house..tell them you came to rest a bit.
A baby is on it's way and I tell you, they are quite expensive to cater for..
Above all...remember your baby is precious, so take each day as it comes...Don't worry about anything.
All the best

2 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by Acidosis(m): 4:25pm On Mar 08, 2016
Hmmn


What can a man do when the job is not available?

I don't think I'm in a right position to blame your husband cos I would probably be sleeping if I were in his shoes as well. The current government is frustrating entrepreneurs. I've spent N1000 on T-fare only today searching for fuel to power Generator.

PHCN is currently on strike, and the Minister of Petroleum who also doubles as the GCFR is somewhere gallivanting with South African president. Honestly, the kind of hardship I've undergone today is enough for me to charm Mr. President so he can go and join his ancestors. In this mood, I'd not want any woman to nag about money or getting a useless job somewhere that can hardly feed a family for 3 days.

Sometimes, all we need is words of encouragement, a little positive push without nagging. Nobody loves poverty, but tell me, what can someone like me do in this condition where all I do revolves around electricity. I've gone to over 6 filling stations and no one is ready to sell in Jerry cans, mind you only 6 out of about 50 stations open their doors for vehicles. I don't think I can ever beat or fight a woman but if any one mention Sai Baba or Change around my dwelling place, such a person may not see the next minute. Things like this kills motivation, will and drive to achieve anything. It makes you lose your clients, their trusts and of course money.

May be your husband's project is being hampered by some wicked forces in government.

This is not a period to advise a man whose business worth N200k/month to go out there and search for a N5k/job. Such a man can kill his employer.

Sorry I'm harsh but it is the hard truth. Ever since you've been doing your business, why don't you put him through since you get paid frequently?

The Nigerian situation is no longer funny. Wives, please do not nag your husbands into frustration and depression.

12 Likes

Re: Please Help Me! I'm Extremely Confused & Need Advice by 5minsmadness: 4:33pm On Mar 08, 2016
Kondomatic:
He is caring, supportive, does chores etc right?


Just forget who has the balls or Vgay, you're the husband and he's the wife so continue being the head of the home.

Word.
Time to practice what you preach Buka. grin

All these pseudo feminsts angry

On a more serious note. There's nothing much u can do to drastically change things now. I say go to your parents. Let them support you for now. It will also give your husband space to be alone in the house with his thoughts. Hopefully he'll think of something lucrative to do and u can return to your lovely home.

I don't think this is a problem per Se. More like an obstacle. The only issue is that u r pregnant on top. The frustration u r feeling is what we as men feel every once a while as the head of the home. It's part of life.

1 Like

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