toksbisola:
@Op i hope you don't mind me asking you a question and my apologies if it feels too intrusive;
I presume you are a married woman. In that case, have you ever cheated on your husband whilst married to him?
If Yes; did you tell him?
If Yes; and you did not tell him, how do you feel?
If No; then you should not be telling a married woman who cheated on her husband not to tell him. You know why; cos you are not in her shoes. It is only the person who wears the shoe that knows how it pinches. Having said that, I'll move swiftly back to the topic at hand.
The whole idea, is never to hide anything from a prospective spouse/partner that would later hunt your marriage/relationship which in some instances can lead to separation/divorce especially if the spouse/partner is unable to bear the secret(s) when it eventually comes out.
As mentioned previously by @Lastpage; It is better to let it all out in the open and let either of the spouse/partner; be it a fiancé or fiancée decide if they would want to carry on or not with the relationship.
I tell you a little story of a wife who hid a secret from her husband for many years and it eventually came out. The secret came out when she was in hospital on admission.
An injection was about to be given his wife and the injection was meant for a person below a certain age. The husband told the Dr his wife was younger than the age range the Dr stated. The Dr had to tell the husband that he requires the answer directly from his wife; owing to the fact that the Dr knew the health implication(s) that can occur if the injection is given to a person that is not within the age range.
The Dr asked the wife 3 times if she was in the age range. Only for her to say on the 3rd time that she was above the age range. The husband found out that his wife was older than him and that his wife lied to him about her age for many years and that was a lie the husband could not bear to accept.
That was the end of the marriage. Now, if the wife had told her husband many years ago the truth that she was older than him; who knows, the husband could have either accepted it or moved on if he was not able to bear the fact that she was older than him.
The next thing on the mind of the husband would probably be what other secret is she keeping from me? The trust bond was broken on that very day and the husband did not even look at the fact that his wife was ill and in hospital before he ended the marriage.
The lesson of the story here is; DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING FROM A SPOUSE/PARTNER. Never think of starting a relationship/marriage based on Lies, Deceit and Secrets. The consequences can be sometimes disastrous and calamitous when it all comes out in the open.
As @Bellong and a few others had mentioned earlier on “Try and avoid doing anything that you know when it comes out in the open you would feel too embarrassed or ashamed of your action(s)".
I rest my case.

Excellent points! But will the daughters of Belial pay any heed?

.

This is pointless, most women who have lived a life they are not especially proud of before getting married will do everything to keep it hidden from a spouse... while those who have the confidence that they didn't live a disappointing life have no problem spilling it all. Simple!

This here is not even about society castigating or shaming women, it's about the women themselves harbouring some form of guilt.

So you actually know that abortion is bad, yet you did it - so you actually know that sleeping around can make people see you as loose, yet you did so - so you actually know that telling these things to a man may make him look at you different, yet you continued... Lol..

Guilt is all it is, anyone who doesn't feel overwhelmed with guilt will talk about his/her past no matter how bad as long as he/she has come to terms with it, accepted it as a mistake of youth, and moved on.

Let's not try to blame society for this, society didn't force anyone to open their legs and knees with reckless abandon.

babyosisi:


Honey,if a woman wants to cheat,for the most part the man will never find out
Men cheat foolishly with neighbors and house girls and co workers
Women who cheat are calculated and sleek
You will never know

lie

*Yawn*

Politically correct response is without a doubt No secrets.

BUT

Large % of average Nigerian women will rather take their "colourful" past to their grave than open up to her judgemental conditioned fiancé (or his relatives).

Let's face it , how many Nigerian men will conveniently flaunt their 'previously wayward high school/college chic' as a wife? Yall not mentally & emotionally equiped for that level yet. You'll get there. No offence atall. Just being real ni

Look at those bigger boys in school(Uni) as a good example, after using all the popular girls like rubber bands through 4/5years of cohabitation and endless daily fvcking, they come up with stupid stories prior to NYSC and finally end up wifing a 'reserved' chic.

And I trust the gals too... They'd rather go to kafancha and chose their men. Infact most of them marry clueless Yankee/Europe boys. (Karma is a reaaal biiatch )

Too many examples but I'll keep my mouth shut coz its a small world out here.

It is well.

Just shine your eyes yall and smarten up!

Ain't judging Nobody.. It's the Survival of the smartest out there in the dating jungle.

Ciao!

harveyspec:


Pls how will you handle this!!

Your husband tells you he ran into an old acquaintance that he saw last maybe 15yrs, someone you haven't heard about.

this acquaintance will be coming over for dinner, he shows up & behold he is Emeka you have been sleeping with in faraway Japan(you thought u were safe cos Japan was far away & Emeka told u he hasn't been too Nigeria for the past 15yrs & he has no plan to)

You have done all manner of things with Emeka, ranging from orgies to foursomes to abortion

How do you deal with this?

If you say you can't cheat in a marriage, replace the above scenario with this
You did all of that with Emeka before you married your hubby, your hubby ain't aware you did those wild stuffs, he sees you as a cool headed lady!!

you can't tell which of your past will come hunting, so saying if it has little chance of spilling, keep it that way isn't wise

Do you suppose that the woman still has feelings for Emeka or that emeka will want to do something with her or that emeka will be stupid to tell the husband that he did things with the wife years ago
How many grown men are that foolish?
What do you take women for
Some immature beings that can't handle themselves or what

If I ran into a man I had any dealings with,I will decide if I want to acknowledge him or not,first of all and the level of acknowledgement I accord him is totally dependent on me
It could be a hello and a how are you handshake and that's about it
If I decide not to make any contact whatsoever that will be my choice

I know this is the internet so I am risking conversations with minors and teens on threads like this
You are watching too much Nollywood
Real life ain't like that

As an aside I thought I'd mention this here for those who think that men and women are affected by the same rules in relationships.

A study conducted by the University of Virginia last year shows that women who played the field before getting married are less happier than women who entered matrimony as virgins. Same studies also showed that men's happiness was unaffected whether they 'played the field' or not before marriage.

The findings were published in 'Before 'I Do': What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?', published at the University of Virginia.

Look it up ladies.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2733220/Women-don-t-sleep-wedding-happier-marriages-men-play-field-without-worry-study-finds.html

drealtruth:
u are damn correct. Openness is key to trust U know. Most people are embarrassed and ashamed about their past relationships especially Ladies, so they try to hide it,but believe me there is nothing hidden under the sun. This world is a small place and One day your past will be exposed which can truncate ur marriage,why not just open up and be at peace with Ur self than live in insecurity any time ur partner ask about an issue in ur past. I'll rather have an open partner than a secretive one.

This is a bunch of bull
I didn't follow my parents instruction to remain a virgin,have they asked me about it?
Have they heard any stories?
Please
I have been out of my fathers home for years so when exactly will it catch up with me?
Tell me
When?

harveyspec:


Imagine during a party in another country(maybe u went for vacation), your azubuike leaves your side to go get drinks, only to hear a conversation about how you were the best stripper, dck sucker, the most widely sought out girl in a brothel

Pls will your above answer still suffice in this case?

do you know what it means for a man to find out that his wife was/is a public utility?

That she has been mounted & climbed by every dick & Harry?

Imagine a scenario where your former customer grabs u on the waist within ur husband view unknown to him & insults you based on your reaction, not knowing you ain't in the trade anymore

pls if am to endure insult & embarrassment as a result of your past, kindly put me in the picture in the beginning

We are now throwing in scenarios and making conjectures,I will hate for this thread to go down those what if roads
I will pass

Ewuro4:
*Yawn*

Politically correct response is without a doubt No secrets.

BUT

Large % of average Nigerian women will rather take their "colourful" past to their grave than open up to her judgemental conditioned fiancé (or his relatives).

Let's face it , how many Nigerian men will conveniently flaunt her 'previously wayward high school/college chic' as a wife? Yall not mentally & emotionally equiped for that level yet. You'll get there. No offence atall. Just being real ni

Look at those bigger boys in school(Uni) as a good example, after using all the popular girls like rubber bands through 4/5years of cohabitation and endless daily fvcking, they come up with stupid stories prior to NYSC and finally end up wifing a 'reserved' chic.

And I trust the gals too... They'd rather go to kafancha and chose their men. Infact most of them marry clueless Yankee/Europe boys. (Karma is a reaaal biiatch )

Too many examples but I'll keep my mouth shut coz its a small world out here.

It is well.

Just shine your eyes yall and smarten up!

Ain't judging Nobody.. It's the Survival of the smartest out there in the dating jungle.

Ciao!

This is not a Nigerian or African thing. It universally applies to all men.

Women tend to hide their colourful past, whether they be British, American or Nigerian. Men are displeased (and that's putting it lightly) to learn about their wife's or partners escapades from the past from sources other than the wife, this applies to Nigerian, American and Russian men.

There was a story on Reddit early this year, it has been taken down by OP on that site where a man, American, learnt about his wife's 'party years' by stumbling across some videos of the wife being banged by several guys in her university days. Interestingly the woman had always been sexually reclusive with her husband so he was beyond shocked to see her taking it from several guys at once all the while shouting how such a whorê she was. There were several videos. The man has since filed for divorce. The woman's defence was that she did those things way before she met him and so she didn't have to tell him of it and that she had been faithful to him since her marriage. Such a position cannot undo the hurt the man must have felt. There is no way he can see her as the loving wife she now claimed to be.

Makes you wonder about the girls on places like college girls gone wild and the poor fool that will marry them.

Ladies, come clean on matters like this. Your partners deserve to know the truth about you. It's the best policy.

ApexTitan:


This is not a Nigerian or African thing. It universally applies to all men.

Women tend to hide their colourful past, whether they be British, American or Nigerian. Men are displeased (and that's putting it lightly) to learn about their wife's or partners escapades from the past from sources other than the wife, this applies to Nigerian, American and Russian men.

There was a story on Reddit early this year, it has been taken down by OP on that site where a man, American, learnt about his wife's 'party years' by stumbling across some videos of the wife being banged by several guys in her university days. Interestingly the woman had always been sexually reclusive with her husband so he was beyond shocked to see her taking it from several guys at once all the while shouting how such a whorê she was. There were several videos. The man has since filed for divorce. The woman's defence was that she did those things way before she met him and so she didn't have to tell him of it and that she had been faithful to him since her marriage. Such a position cannot undo the hurt the man must have felt. There is no way he can see her as the loving wife she now claimed to be.

Makes you wonder about the girls on places like college girls gone wild and the poor fool that will marry them.

Ladies, come clean on matters like this. Your partners deserve to know the truth about you. It's the best policy.

Didn't I say it here that making sextapes is foolish
That is the moral of that story
Do you think the man would have stayed with tapes of his wife all over the internet even if she had talked of her wild past
How many will?
How many people make sex tapes?
Ladies keep your mouths shut

babyosisi:


Didn't I say it here that making sextapes is foolish
That is the moral of that story
Do you think the man would have stayed with tapes of his wife all over the internet even if she had talked if her wild past
How many will?
How many people make sex tapes?
Ladies keep your mouths shut

Whether he would have agreed to marry her if he knew about this earlier is not the issue. He would most likely have had a rethink and avoided marriage - the important thing is that he would have been making an informed decision. This is different from the case where he married her thinking she was a "good girl" because of the non-disclosure of her past. Her silence about this was in effect an act of deception.

ApexTitan:


Let's not reduce this discussion to one filled with spite. The way you call out those names suggest we are fighting here. All examples and instances in these talks are hypothetical and impersonal. Cheers

Thank God his fellow man is calling him out
At least we know not all men are that petty
Dinachi will you listen?
I start a thread and all of a sudden I must be a cheat or I encourage cheating and lying etc
Very pediatric mindset many of these boys/men possess
This is what causes trouble here,I wrote it on another thread
People will leave the topic of a thread and start attacking the posters
I have ignored most of them because I want the thread to stay on focus

.

ApexTitan:


Whether he would have agreed to marry her if he knew about this earlier is not the issue. He would most likely have had a rethink and avoided marriage - the important thing is that he would have been making an informed decision. This is different from the case where he married her thinking she was a "good girl" because of the non-disclosure of her past. Her silence about this was in effect an act of deception.

I said nothing about agreeing to marry her,read me again

For that one woman there are perhaps hundreds with the same past and no tapes

For me today knowing my husband as well as I do,if he came out today and told me he killed somebody in high school ,I won't even leave him let alone turn him in
It will not change my opinion about the man I love today
he must not have loved her enough
He was just looking for a reason to leave and found one

Some kind of comments here is what scares singles from getting married because they believe most marriages are laid on the foundation of deceit. God have mercy!

Each person should run their marriage as they deem fit, what's good for the goose may not be good for the gander. Whatever rocks your boat

If I found out today my husband did 250 abortions with 100 girls ,before he met me,it won't end the marriage at the position we are in today
That news is not enough to end it
I will be shocked to my bones but it it's not enough to make me leave
I never asked if he sponsored any abortions
That is useless info to me
So if someone comes today to tell me he did,it is still useless information
Shocking but useless at this point


Same way if he heard I slept with okonkwo and okeke before meeting him ,it won't end things
He knew I had a past obviously
So kini big deal
Am I sleeping with okeke and okonkwo today?

babyosisi:


I said nothing about agreeing to marry her,read me again

For that one woman there are perhaps hundreds with the same past and no tapes

For me today knowing my husband as well as I do,if he came out today and told me he killed somebody in high school ,I won't even leave him let alone turn him in
It will not change my opinion about the man I love today
he must not have loved her enough
He was just looking for a reason to leave and found one

By refusing to disclose such a fact to her husband the woman is basically defrauding him and I am against any counsel for women to keep mum about things like this before their husbands.

If after disclosing her past history to her husband he refuses to go along with the marriage it's all well and good. As painful as this may be it is better than entering into a union based on such a level of deception.

All healthy relationships involve a level of deception that's true, but for matters that border on the very foundations of marriage both parties must come to terms with the each other's baggage.

A woman's number count is not an issue that can be glossed over for men.

oseod:

Our parents had reasons for such, its their imperfect technique for preventing girls against avoidable disasters, (also (I must sincerely admit) sometimes to protect their ego)...but thats different, the fact that you lost your viginity to your boyfriend doesn't mean you owe your parents any explanation, its your life, you don't owe your parents your virginity, you owe them your success(seriously they aren't the ones to have sex with you)

They only try to make you a perfect spouse for your future partner (at least most parents) even if their methods are imperfect and we mostly fall short of their expectations

But a spouse is different, you owe him everything as he does you...
If you open up your past to him he should open up on his past too
Its not only women that should be subject to confessions, men should too

So the idea of cheating on a spouse and considering it an unimportant subject for discussion so long as no stds or pregnancies are involved shouldn't be a straight yes.
Its like stabbing him/her at the back and saying 'so long as he/her soesn't feel the pain, lemme Clean up the blood, bandage the wound and pretend nothing happened..so long as he/she doesn't find out were safe.....

Doesn't that in the slightest way possible sound hypocritical to you

I must admit @babyosisi does have some strong points but still, there are a lot of dangers to taking her advice

Hehehehehehe

I didn't say a woman should go out and cheat
I don't condone cheating
I don't cheat
I won't encourage cheating
Far be it from me
Tomorrow now some eediots will start saying what I didn't say that's why I am repeating this

ApexTitan:


By refusing to disclose such a fact to her husband the woman is basically defrauding him and I am against any counsel for women to keep mum about things like this before their husbands.

If after disclosing her past history to her husband he refuses to go along with the marriage it's all well and good. As painful as this may be it is better than entering into a union based on such a level of deception.

All healthy relationships involve a level of deception that's true, but for matters that border on the very foundations of marriage both parties must come to terms with the each other's baggage.

A woman's number count is not an issue that can be glossed over for men.

So for someone like me whose husband never asked about names and titles of my past relationships and I never asked him nko
From the stories we tell we know the names of some of them obviously
I keep wandering what people need the details for because I don't remember that discussion coming up with people I have dated
Where are the men doing this asking or is it a given that women must spill their past
Who made that rule?
Because that is what I am reading from many of you
If she hides it and I find out blah blah
Find out what
Was she a virgin when you met her
Is it rocket science to make deductions that there were other men before you?
All this name them and describe them sounds so childish IMHO
So that what will happen
They are not necessary for the most part
People should be mature


I guess many of them responding here are teens or young adults,so their answers are expected

What if a girl comes out in the name of spilling her past to say Oya I was with Kunle
What is the next question
How good was he of how big was he or how many times did you do it with him
How fruitful or edifying is that conversation
To what advantage
If she comes out and says Oya he was bigger and better then what
Abi she should lie about performance to make him happy
How far should this coming clean go
Bikonu let sleeping dogs lie
Don't ask,don't tell

In today's world do blood work and other tests to check each other out and move on
He slept with people
She slept with people
End of story

That's why we consider many guys hypocrites and that's also why they are easily deceived.

ApexTitan:


By refusing to disclose such a fact to her husband the woman is basically defrauding him and I am against any counsel for women to keep mum about things like this before their husbands.

If after disclosing her past history to her husband he refuses to go along with the marriage it's all well and good. As painful as this may be it is better than entering into a union based on such a level of deception.

All healthy relationships involve a level of deception that's true, but for matters that border on the very foundations of marriage both parties must come to terms with the each other's baggage.

A woman's number count is not an issue that can be glossed over for men .

cococandy:
That's why we consider many guys hypocrites and that's also why they are easily deceived.

Haven't you seen their varied answers
Some will say it doesn't matter yet they want to know
Others will say it matters and must know
Oya if I had 20 and said I have 5 how will he know the exact number?
If I should write down their names and show their pictures
Was he there with me
People should stop asking stupeed questions

babyosisi:


Haven't you seen their varied answers
Some will say it doesn't matter yet they want to know
Others will say it matters and must know
Oya if I had 20 and said I have 5 how will he know the exact number?
Was he there with me
People should stop asking stupeed questions

i don't even know how they are comfortable listening to such stories.
I don't like to hear about my man's exes. And vice versa.

They should stay in the past abeg.

cococandy:
i don't even know how they are comfortable listening to such stories.
I don't like to hear about my man's exes. And vice versa.

They should stay in the past abeg.

Exactly
We focus on more edifying things
Not whose toto was tighter and whose amu was more gbim gbim and lasted longer
Childish stuff

babyosisi:


Yes
If she was doing ashawo in the same town or her ashawo runs was public knowledge then yes but if she was a student at IMSU and did her runz in Ibadan,what is she revealing that for when it's in her past.There are also women who have revealed those same details and the that was the end of a good relationship.

I tell u.....its better it ends early, than for him to find out years into marriage. If u think uve successfully tied him down with marriage then he could make that a living hell for the lady cos divorce would be way too easy on her. Better you have someone who already accepts ur past. U r a woman....and so u see it from that angle. But u should know that 80% of men would have their 'Egos' shattered when they hear it from someone else...and we do have very big Egos

This is so releaving.. What's the point telling her about my past. I have an extremely bad temper. I have disfigured the face of an ex with ex poisoned amother & fatally poisoned another & got away with it.
Had to secretly bury their remains.
Telling her now would serve no purpose.
I think I love the one I'm presently with because she doesn't push my buttons.
I plan to propose next week

Thank you O.P.
People are indeed hypocrytical in our society.

babyosisi:
If I found out today my husband did 250 abortions with 100 girls ,before he met me,it won't end the marriage at the position we are in today
That news is not enough to end it
I will be shocked to my bones but it it's not enough to make me leave
I never asked if he sponsored any abortions
That is useless info to me
So if someone comes today to tell me he did,it is still useless information
Shocking but useless at this point


Same way if he heard I slept with okonkwo and okeke before meeting him ,it won't end things
He knew I had a past obviously
So kini big deal
Am I sleeping with okeke and okonkwo today?

But if u sleep with them today ud never tell him and u love him as much as staying with him even if hes killed in d past?all this negates eachoda op!

Y'all pause!
It depends on the parties in the relationship/marriage. I am a chatterbox, and I have spilled every secret in the box, without even knowing.
Av been with my man 10yrs now and he doesn't like to talk about his past relationships, cos he believes what is past is past. He also doesn't like to hear about my past relationships, so while blabbing uncontrollably, I may mention some guy I dated, and his countenance changes. He just doesn't wanna know so I don't talk about it. Any day he hears from someone something I did in the past, he would ask me and I will share the circumstances, because whenever I raise such a topic, I realise he is not emotionally balanced enough to receive such news. And he thinks I am also not emotionally balanced for whatever stuff he doesn't wanna talk about, so I leave it that way.

When we had fertility challenges, I asked him if he had impregnated a girl b4 and sponsored any abortions, he said maybe, maybe not. Some girls have come with that story, maybe they jst wanted to squeeze money out of him, and he never followed up. I wasn't dazed by that answer, but I was dazed when he told me he knew I had been through an abortion (I am not proud of this one bit). How did he know, I blurted it out one day in useless chatter (as usual) long ago b4 we even courted. Although we never talked about it again, but he never forgot and it's not a big deal we all have our past.

It's been 10 rocky but wonderful years. If he had ever cheated, he will never admit it, it's his way of protecting me, I have never caught him so he is innocent until found guilty. I have never cheated, mostly because I'm too devoted to him and if I cheat, will I tell him? I don't think so. I'm with babyosisi on this. I'll browbeat myself into order, repent and never repeat an episode. I know he can't handle it. He won't leave me, but it will kill his ego and emasculate him, thinking he can't satisfy and provide for me. That's what he fears the most.
So I won't cheat, because I don't want to emasculate him, it's a chore to make him believe in himself again, I'd rather not tow that line. And it's a bigger chore to stop feeling guilty about being the cause of his pain. It will just hurt two of us...

babyosisi:


Hehehehehehe

I didn't say a woman should go out and cheat
I don't condone cheating
I don't cheat
I won't encourage cheating
Far be it from me
Tomorrow now some eediots will start saying what I didn't say that's why I am repeating this

Many of them aren't married. There's no hard and fast rule, only guidelines from people's experiences. I cannot cheat, but for those that ended up cheating, except you were caught, just let it go. The knowledge won't help your spouse in anyway except you did it to hurt the guy, then you may want to throw it in his face (yer, some women cheat just for payback!).

FYI, women hardly ever get caught cheating, many women can hard heartedly take that secret to the grave. And if you ask me, even if you are accused, except there's a video evidence, "It Wasn't You". It's either you don't do it, or cover up your tracks with fresh asphalt. My two cents

VintageCocktail:
I feel you.

Some logicians here will think otherwise. A repented cultist-turned-pastor reliving on how he used to be bad pissed me off talk more of a better half of mine spilling how she aborted five or more pregnancies and how she tries to make ends meet by engaging in runs......hian hian. Abeg make we take true.

true talk sir. a frnd I respect so much has gone dwn in dat aspect. A gospel artist/motivational speaker who I hold in high regards, just told me he was an executor in his cult days. . its really hard for ppl to bear such truths. My question is how many ppl does 1 confess to in d instance whr they keep leaving cos of such gory details?

Chivee:
This is so releaving.. What's the point telling her about my past. I have an extremely bad temper. I have disfigured the face of an ex with ex poisoned amother & fatally poisoned another & got away with it.
Had to secretly bury their remains.
Telling her now would serve no purpose.
I think I love the one I'm presently with because she doesn't push my buttons.
I plan to propose next week

Thank you O.P.
People are indeed hypocrytical in our society.

kai! ure a walking time bomb waiting to explode . on a lighter mode dear,, I trust ure genuinely repented