OluwabuqqyYOLO:
.

UjSizzle:
Aww why did you edit?

Divepen1:
Ujsizzle, I duff my hat for you.

UjSizzle:



KingTom looool

KingTom:
She smiled and turned left, aware that no other had the thick billy goat scent like Ademola. It must be him she thought, she closed her eyes and proceeded to plant a hot juicy kiss on the succulent lips of her lover, she did but something was wrong, he tasted different, could it be? She opened her eyes and shrieked in horror as she discovered that for the past 5 minutes she had been smooching Apam, one of her father's goats. The poor animal apparently traumatized by the situation had proceeded to rain droppings all over the floor and was sweating profusely. Both looked at each other as if to say; lets never speak of this again. Each went their separate ways, a molested ewure and a shocked maiden.

MissSlimbody:


Smh...oro e ti su ijoba

KingTom:

Fimile jor! Aje obinrin! . Is it my fault you're sexually attracted to billy goats?

KingTom:

Fimile jor! Aje obinrin! . Is it my fault you're sexually attracted to billy goats?

asumo12:

MissSlimbody:
werey re o
Osho okuurin
Na you be the billy goat nah

KingTom:
Contribute something meaningful and stop derailing this thread!

KingTom:


Please stop derailing

ArrowAssassin:
She smiled, turned and left. There was something not normal about the smirk on her face. It wasn't a good one rather it was a sign of bad things to come - it was an evil grin.

Anya emptied the magazine of her Hardballer into the brain of the soldier who had been groaning in pains next to her. She put him out of his misery. There was a wire transmitter on the soldier's neck. Anya could hear a faint voice along with some static coming from it, she took it.

"This is General Opeth. Report Bruno, has the target been eliminated?" Anya looked around her. The corpses of the agency's uniformed military team littered the area. The remains of a warship helicopter were still blazing in an inferno. They had been defeated, thanks to Anya.

"General, you made me a supersoldier, you also killed the only man I loved. This can't continue. The agency has to go," Anya replied.

"Anya, is that you? Please come in, let's talk things over."

Anya couldn't help laughing. There was no going back now. She loaded another magazine into her hardballer from the row of ammo strapped across her shoulder.

"I will be coming, but it won't be to talk."

Divepen1:
She smiled, turned and left.
When she got out of the church building, Juliana smacked her head with the edge of her hand. She was suppose to go in there and kill Marcus and now she just fell head over for him. She could not stop thinking about the way he sang, the way he spoke; those mind-searching eyes.
How will she report to the high priestess that she, a witch, was in love with a Christian, and not any christian, the most vibrant.

UjSizzle:
She smiled, turned and left.

Mack lay frozen in the spot trying and failing to understand how he'd fallen into those eyes.

He'd been sitting on a low-hanging branch of a cashew tree when he spotted her. Skin the shade of Irish potatoes, hair the colour of carved Tuna and hips swaying in tangent to the song bellowing from her headset. Her body could inspire music.

He jumped down from his perch as she approached.

"Mack. You new around here?"

"Kinda." She cocked her head, giving him a cursory look. "Piper. The name's Piper."

"I could teach you a number of things if you let me," he said.

"Show me."

He schooled her in the arts.

Years and scores of carved epidermis later they hooked up for joints in his loft. He watched her chatter over glasses of wine, eyes lit up like a strobe. Her fingers sliced the air, a make-shift knife, ripping through flesh as she talked.

My creation. He thought to himself. Mine. Mack knew potential when it came and she was potential. She'd lapped his lessons like a starving kitten.

Use your looks. Flirt with your body. Play with their mind. Give them what they want. Always. And when they're ripe, gut them.


He watched as she rose from her perch, eyes on him, she approached like a feline. Fire leaped in his groins. She straddled him, letting his hands run through the length of her torso just as he liked. He grabbed fistful of that flaming hair, jerked and began to feast. She. Belonged. To. Him.
Then he sputtered, hands flaying as he struggled for air. She stood and watched silently as his body convulsed.

"W...why?" He asked, grabbing hold of the slender hairpin poking through his windpipe.

She cocked her head staring at him with mild curiosity, "I am Piper."
She smiled turned and left.

OluwabuqqyYOLO:
She smiled, turned and left. "Be careful oh!" I vividly still can hear my words to her. "Or do I come take you?" I made to but didn't. She smiled again. That smile she gave me earlier. I loved her. She was mine. And off she purred, she had stopped earlier. We loved each other.
Her name was Opeyemi. She wasn't a goddess. She hadn't a mermaid a face. She wasn't more beautiful than Agbani Darego. But I loved her. There always had been something that fascinated me apropos her white large eyes.

They gave me the world to rule. I loved her.
Her dad had links. Companies. But he hated me. He does more than ever now. A corp member with Ope wouldn't be bees to his petal. He bore her only. He loved her too. We loved her.
Her home from mine didn't requireTramor to drive. Trailers didn't ply the road. But she died anyway. A drunk driver rammed into her. She died. I killed her.

I killed her. I know. Guilt ate me. I should have let her be. I was too selfish. Her dad is gone too. A good man he was.
It's been 3 days now, but I can't let go. I won't. You didn't know us.
Marriages in heaven should be better. I planned to wed her. I do, still. As I type, a used Gamalin 20 bottle lies beside me, ode.

KingTom:
She smiled and turned left, aware that no other had the thick billy goat scent like Ademola. It must be him she thought, she closed her eyes and proceeded to plant a hot juicy kiss on the succulent lips of her lover, she did but something was wrong, he tasted different, could it be? She opened her eyes and shrieked in horror as she discovered that for the past 5 minutes she had been smooching Apam, one of her father's goats. The poor animal apparently traumatized by the situation had proceeded to rain droppings all over the floor and was sweating profusely. Both looked at each other as if to say; lets never speak of this again. Each went their separate ways, a molested ewure and a shocked maiden.

Cc: Master Davep, have I delivered?

MissSlimbody:


Smh...oro e ti su ijoba

MissSlimbody:
yes sir

asumo12:

Faita:
I don't normally do this but this thread just caught my attention. So...


1


Good one. It's a bit cliché though, sorry. So, some of my observations....

1. I can't see the connection between the first paragraph and the rest of the story. Who 'smiled, turned and left'?

2. "in pains" should be "in pain".

3. Why did the General identify himself over the radio?

4. Maybe it's for dramatic effect, but you use multiple descriptions a lot. For instance, you used a lot of words to talk about a smirk and in the second paragraph, you told us that Anya shot a soldier who was in pain several times and went on to tell us that she put him out of his misery. I think it's unnecessary.

5. Why use "not normal" when you can use "abnormal" in the first paragraph?



2


The story itself is sort of cliché too but the delivery feels quite original.

My observations anyway...

1. "suppose". I think you meant "supposed".

2. "she just fell head over for him". Consider "she had just fallen head over heels for him". The first expression is grammatically inappropriate.

3. "mind-searching eyes". I think you were trying to convey that she felt like he could see through her. The better expression may have been "penetrating" or just "searching". The current expression suggests something quite improbable and unconvincing and thus is uninteresting.

4. In the last sentence, "will" should be "would". "was in love..." is better as "had fallen in love". Instead of "not any Christian", you should use "not just any Christian". And you should probably add "one" at the end of "the most vibrant".



3


Ok, this was very good indeed. It's a typical story where a predator becomes prey. But again this one is an original delivery. There's also a feel of maturity to the writing.

My observations...

1. This is a flashback, I think. But the arrangement makes that a little difficult to recognize. I like how you gave your readers some work to do with that but be a little more careful next time. It can be tricky playing with sequence in a story.

2. "in tangent" should be replaced with "in tandem". I think that that was what you meant to say, right?

3. "schooled her in the arts". What arts? The story seemed to suggest training in just one kind of art. The language of that expression suggested tutelage in the typical arts. It throws the reader off. That can be a good thing but in my opinion, it isn't here.

4. What did you mean by "joints"? That is about the only thing that suggests that they were smoking weed. But I think you meant something different. Use a different word maybe.

5. "Her fingers sliced the air, a make-shift knife, ripping through flesh as she talked". Her fingers were ripping through flesh? Or did you mean that the way her fingers moved through the air it was like knife ripping through flesh? If the latter, consider this instead: "her fingers sliced the air like a makeshift knife ripping through flesh as she talked". You should be careful with similes and metaphors like that.

6. That far into their relationship, why is she still considered potential? Had he not realized the potential?

7. In the same paragraph, "she lapped his..." should be "she lapped up his..."

8. "hands run through the length". Try "run up and down her torso" or "run up and down the length of her torso". Through doesn't work well for surfaces.

9. Same paragraph. Did you mean "fistfuls" or "a fistful"?

10. "Feast"? What did you mean here? Sex? Or a weird hair-eating habit?

11. Same paragraph. "flailing" not "flaying". The first means "to wave wildly"; the second is used for stripping skin off an animal or person.

12. Could he speak clearly with a hairpin in his windpipe? He may have gurgled because of the blood getting into his airways?

13. The end sounded a bit weird. You probably repeated the opening statement to close the flashback loop but it still feels cheesy. I think that "I am Piper" was a perfect closing statement for your piece. One better way to close the loop is to capture Mack's distress in the second paragraph. Currently, it only looks like he was laying down and mooning over Piper. You could include the fact that he's choking, possibly to death, while doing so.



4


This is quite nicely done. Grief has a common language that every grieving person speaks. You spoke it well. But your story is original. Despite the fact that pain is a common story, your story felt almost like something I'd never heard before. That is very good.

My observations...

1. To be honest, the arrangement reads exactly like someone in pain wrote it. It seems like you couldn't care less about arrangement and sequencing. The work seems like an explosion of emotion: it assaults the reader's mind with your feelings. That is not necessarily bad. But if this is not your true life situation, you could bring refinement and finesse to the art. Art does more than tell it exactly as it is, it shows us the meanings we miss looking at the surface.

2. First paragraph. "vividly still can". That should be replaced with "can still". The current expression is quite poor.

3. "That smile she gave me earlier". That would be better as "the same smile she gave me earlier".

4. A purr is a sound of pleasure that cats make. Your use of it does not work very well. Also, what did you mean by "she had stopped earlier"?

5. Did you mean "a mermaid's face"?

6. "a propos" is not story language. It's more philosophy.

7. "He does now more than ever" instead of "he does more than ever now".

8. "corps" instead of "corp".

9. What does "bees to his petal" mean?

10. Was Ope an only child? What does "he bore her only" mean?

11. "Her home from mine didn't requireTramor to drive." This statement is unclear.

12. "Trailers didn't ply that road" instead of "trailers didn't ply the road".

13. Did her dad die? What happened?

14. 3 days is quite a short time to expect the pain of loss to recede. Why mention it? What did you want to say?

15. I like the end.



5


Lol. Cheeky. Very funny. You're very comfortable with your story too.

But how did the goat not bite her? Goats are given to nibbling. This must be some kind of alternate reality.

This is obviously an advanced writer's work.

KingTom:

You flatter me sir. Thanks for the appreciation. As for the goat, maybe he enjoyed the kiss, maybe that's why he was sweating.