damiso:


You are very right .

One of the key things that leads to unhappiness is expectations. I try to manage my expectations and not put people into a box so to speak on what I feel they 'should' do for me. It's a trait I inherited from my father and my mum really reminds me of it 'you are definitely your fathers daughter'. I know no one is truly ever self reliant but I really view most things that anyone gives me as gift and not something I should take for granted.

I will give an example. I was unemployed for a while and my husband was taking care of ALL(ok most) the big ticket bills. I wanted to do a course and I was saving towards it.One day my husband told me that he had put some money into my account and I should go ahead to pay for it. I was soooo happy and i kept saying thank you in short I told everyone to thank him for me. He said I was embarassing me with the thank yous and that if he did not as my husband who should? I got his point but in my head I was already feeling I am the one who wants to do a course, as it is he is more or less footing my bills(ok he lives in the house as well but if was not married won't I support myself) so I really did not in my head think he HAD to do it . I honestly would not have resented him not paying those fees.

I know people who will say its his responsibility as doing the course could increase my earning potential and husbands are meant to help their wives grow. That is true also but sincerely and I am not being insincere here I did not feel entitled to those fees just cos he is my husband. I was happy that he helped out but I also would not have been unhappy if he did not.

How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

bukatyne:


How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

That's a great question.


That one doesn't expect too much doesn't mean their partner is free to behave anyhow or do anything.

bukatyne:


How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

When I say expectations, I mean things that are extra . I don't even know how to explain it so it does not look like its saying the other person has no responsibilities.

Of course a parent should sponsor his or her ward in school but managing expectations in that sense means that i would be fine with an Acer laptop for my coursework even though all my friends have a MacBook.If I get a MacBook I would be very happy and appreciate it but I won't view it as something that I am entitled to.

Like cococandy said its not saying the other person is free to act anyhow. Maybe I should use word 'managing expectations ' rather than not 'having any expectations'.

bukatyne:


How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

I am learning too but I think there is small difference between the two. For example, a parent can sponsor their ward in school but it does not have to be abroad. Also, sending the child to school does not mean the child will pass without the child trying.

For a couple, I think trying to make your partner happy is important but it does not have to be by doing big tasks and trying to make them happy does not mean they will be happy. They have to make a decision to be happy with your effort.

Hmmmmm

It is clearly to me now

The responsibilities are the basics. The jara are the expectations.

I like babygirlfl's line that we need to be happy to appreciate our spouse's efforts to make us happy.

Appreciation is also extremely important. I always thanked my parents when they paid my fees etc. Ditto hubby for every little thing he does.

I also agree with damiso's managing expectations.

Really wanted to clear it because of NL's mantra to wives of cheating husbands... Make yourself happy; ignore him; don't your happiness on him bla bla

Cc cococandy, damiso.

bukatyne:
Hmmmmm

It is clearly to me now

The responsibilities are the basics. The jara are the expectations.

I like babygirlfl's line that we need to be happy to appreciate our spouse's efforts to make us happy.

Appreciation is also extremely important. I always thanked my parents when they paid my fees etc. Ditto hubby for every little thing he does.

I also agree with damiso's managing expectations.

Really wanted to clear it because of NL's mantra to wives of cheating husbands... Make yourself happy; ignore him; don't your happiness on him bla bla

Cc cococandy, damiso.

I get what you were trying to understand now babygirlfl has even even explained it better than I tried to.

Sagamite:


Look at some of the black men Black America is giving society.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naUvrPbRz2M

OMG!! This is really scary. Horrible video.

Such wanton, needless violence.

bukatyne:


How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

Interesting conversation and varied personal views so far. My two penny's worth:

I think there is a very fine line between responsibilities and expectations. Being a fiercely independent "go-getter" person, my expectations in life - of myself, and of the people closest to me are VERY HIGH.

When I want something, I don't sit around waiting for someone else to do it for me. Not even my spouse. I haven't got the patience for that. I'm more of a snap-snap-snap kind of person and I find time wasting really, really, annoying. I don't believe some things are un-achievable. When someone tells me I can't do something, I make it a point to prove them otherwise. I'm of the school of thought that if you want something really badly, you'll find a work-around to it. If you aren't mentally incapacitated, you'll find another route.

I teach my kids (sons) to grab every opportunity life presents them with as that chance might not be there tomorrow. I also drum into them "actions-and-consequences". I don't, balk at taking on responsibilities. In fact, I have very broad shoulders for these and pride myself on taking on a vast array of challenges - financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual. I have no qualms bending over backwards to provide for those dependent on me, but I do find it irritating if I'm taken for granted. I wouldn't do that to anyone and therefore wouldn't expect that to be done to me.

Do I come across as overbearing? perhaps. But do I get the job done? I sure do!

Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

Sagamite:


Look at some of the black men Black America is giving society.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naUvrPbRz2M

Jesu! That nigga is crazy and did the presenter say his name is Lee Lee Lee ? Hian!

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


.

I would pack lunch for them.

Slight germophobe here.

If I didn't, I'd probably spend the day worrying how clean what they are eating over there is.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

I would pack their favourite lunch for them and even find the time to take them to school myself on the day of resumption.

I believe home-made meals is best for a growing child or even anyone, I'll feel more comfortable knowing what goes into their systems(not that one can always be a 100% sure) but atleast to an extent.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

I'll do both(packed lunch Mon - Wed, School lunch Thurs Fri).They need to have a taste of both worlds.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

Depends on the school.
The food they give them here is very ok. I don't pack any lunch. You only tell them if any allergies or what and what you child eats etc. Besides very good for them to have taste of varieties of dishes.

If they were in boarding school, would you cook and bring food for them ?

Anyway, me I no even get strength to dey pack lunch.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.

.

Here to read comments

Thanks ladies for your answers.

EfemenaXY:


OMG!! This is really scary. Horrible video.

Such wanton, needless violence.

freecocoa:
Jesu! That nigga is crazy and did the presenter say his name is Lee Lee Lee ? Hian!

Got my heart pounding heart.

These are the moronic monkeys I am supposed to be associated with and allow my children grow up around?

Fck that!

That America self, I doubt I can live in it.

What shocked me the most was after he was told he was a prank, this useless lowlife was more bothered about promoting his rap on youtube and was exposing who he was.

What a completely useless soul that I would be happy to hear that he has been short multiple times by the police, legally or illegally.

And these kind of monkeys would say it is the white man holding them back.

bukatyne:


How will you balance responsibility and expectations?

E.g.: A parent should sponsor his/her ward into school etc.

Cc: cococandy, sagamite, babygirlfl

As for with your kids, my philosophy is:

- Give your child everything they need but a little of of what they want. Most of what they want, they have to earn somehow.

- Let your kids know that despite the fact that you are friendly and can joke with them, you are their boss (if not even their God as long as they are young). I don't do all that Best Friend with your kids shyt. That said, give them the freedom to explore things that interest them that you might not particularly agree with (only if they show some level of proficiency in this thing). I can joke and laugh with my kids all day, but when I decide to be stern and serious, they have to know who the Boss is.

- Never rule out smacking and corporal punishment. It must be part of the repertoire of tools available if you need it. That said, it should be last or the most deserved resort. You might actually even have kids you never need to smack. Smacking kids most of the time is madness, saying you will never smack your kids is madness.

A lot of the modern, "progressive" child-rearing is pathetic.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

At the moment we do school dinners. The school dinners in my borough is really good as well and my daughter's school is signed up to a healthy school programmes. No other drinks but water and milk and the only snacks are fruit and veg. You can inform them if your child has allergies.

Packed lunches get monotonous sometimes especially with having to store or keep at the right temperature etc so one is sometimes limited to sandwiches and even that sef you can't use certain fillings.

I know someone who used to prepare her children's lunch to drop at the school at 11.50 so their own food too can be hot like the others.Obviously I don't have the luxury of that as I work full time and even if I did I know myself I would get fed up.

Sagamite:


As for with your kids, my philosophy is:

- Give your child everything they need but a little of of what they want. Most of what they want, they have to earn somehow.

- Let your kids know that despite the fact that you are friendly and can joke with them, you are their boss (if not even their God as long as they are young). I don't do all that Best Friend with your kids shyt. That said, give them the freedom to explore things that interest them that you might not particularly agree with (only if they show some level of proficiency in this thing). I can joke and laugh with my kids all day, but when I decide to be stern and serious, they have to know who the Boss is.

- Never rule out smacking and corporal punishment. It must be part of the repertoire of tools available if you need it. That said, it should be last or the most deserved resort. You might actually even have kids you never need to smack. Smacking kids most of the time is madness, saying you will never smack your kids is madness.

A lot of the modern, "progressive" child-rearing is pathetic.

I really agree with children recognising the difference between being friendly and being their friend.

I dont want to be my children's 'friend' in the true sense of the word 'friend'. I want to be a friendly parent that they can feel comfortable sharing their issues with ,talking to but there has to be that 'parent' boundary that can never be crossed.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.

Packed lunch.

Besides we don't get the other choice here because of Allergy.

Schools avoid liabilities as much as they can. They provide microwave in each class though which is nice.

Went school lunch shopping yesterday, you should see the 'soup in a cup' varieties on the shelve. Naija style Meatpies are great lunch idea too. Fresh finger fruits (raspberry, strawberry slices, grapes, kiwi slices, cubed honeydew/cantaloupe) and veggies (sugar snap peas, celery sticks, cucumber slices, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes) , and sliced meat varieties for sandwiches.

You'll be happy to know exactly what your kids consumes everyday.

They get additional $5 for snacks from school vending machine too.

It's all up to you.

Thanks very much ladies. I would have really loved to prepare his lunch everyday but because of the luxury of time that I don't have. That's why I thought to ask other ladies how and what they do. I appreciate all your answers.

.

@bold, yea that could happen.

damiso:


At the moment we do school dinners. The school dinners in my borough is really good as well and my daughter's school is signed up to a healthy school programmes. No other drinks but water and milk and the only snacks are fruit and veg. You can inform them if your child has allergies.

[b]Packed lunches get monotonous sometimes [/b]especially with having to store or keep at the right temperature etc so one is sometimes limited to sandwiches and even that sef you can't use certain fillings.

I know someone who used to prepare her children's lunch to drop at the school at 11.50 so their own food too can be hot like the others.Obviously I don't have the luxury of that as I work full time and even if I did I know myself I would get fed up.

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

Una go kee somebody ni? Na school dinner o. Free for p1 -3 but P4 and above have to pay

babygirlfl:
Ladies is a new school year now for kids. What would you/ do you /did you do for your kids and why.

Packed lunch or school lunch.


Freecocoa, Naijababe; damiso; cococandy; tearoses; Ewuro4; bukatyne; EfemenaXY; Idowuogbo; salsera; chillisauce ; sheybebaby any and other person.

Definitely school dinners. All the way. From pre-nursery to sixth form. To do otherwise will be crazily time consuming. Won't do it even if I wasn't working.

I think making homemade meals works best for parents not working and/with just one kid. But even then...

Sagamite:


As for with your kids, my philosophy is:

- Give your child everything they need but a little of of what they want. Most of what they want, they have to earn somehow.

- Let your kids know that despite the fact that you are friendly and can joke with them, you are their boss (if not even their God as long as they are young). I don't do all that Best Friend with your kids shyt. That said, give them the freedom to explore things that interest them that you might not particularly agree with (only if they show some level of proficiency in this thing). I can joke and laugh with my kids all day, but when I decide to be stern and serious, they have to know who the Boss is.

- Never rule out smacking and corporal punishment. It must be part of the repertoire of tools available if you need it. That said, it should be last or the most deserved resort. You might actually even have kids you never need to smack. Smacking kids most of the time is madness, saying you will never smack your kids is madness.

A lot of the modern, "progressive" child-rearing is pathetic.

I agree very much with you

What of husbands and wives?

EfemenaXY:


Interesting conversation and varied personal views so far. My two penny's worth:

I think there is a very fine line between responsibilities and expectations. Being a fiercely independent "go-getter" person, my expectations in life - of myself, and of the people closest to me are VERY HIGH.

When I want something, I don't sit around waiting for someone else to do it for me. Not even my spouse. I haven't got the patience for that. I'm more of a snap-snap-snap kind of person and I find time wasting really, really, annoying. I don't believe some things are un-achievable. When someone tells me I can't do something, I make it a point to prove them otherwise. I'm of the school of thought that if you want something really badly, you'll find a work-around to it. If you aren't mentally incapacitated, you'll find another route.

I teach my kids (sons) to grab every opportunity life presents them with as that chance might not be there tomorrow. I also drum into them "actions-and-consequences". I don't, balk at taking on responsibilities. In fact, I have very broad shoulders for these and pride myself on taking on a vast array of challenges - financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual. I have no qualms bending over backwards to provide for those dependent on me, but I do find it irritating if I'm taken for granted. I wouldn't do that to anyone and therefore wouldn't expect that to be done to me.

Do I come across as overbearing? perhaps. But do I get the job done? I sure do!

Another angle to it

You have high expectations however you do not wait for them to be met.

Everyone need this drive to succeed /excel.

bukatyne:


Another angle to it

You have high expectations however you do not wait for them to be met.

Everyone need this drive to succeed /excel.

It's relative.

I don't wait forever for them to be met. For example, why wait one week for something to get done if I can do it in one hour? D'you get me now?

cococandy:

This first video is so touching. Aww.
I could totally see myself being that kind of mom.

And the little girl is so adorable.
When I was little, my greatest fear too was for my mom to die.
Now I know it will happen someday but still not prepared for it to ever happen.

Continues watching.
You don give me work this morning

The little girl was just purely lovely.

As for preparation, that is where we are different. I am not that much of an emotional soul because I am realistic with my expectations.

I have been lucky to have my parents up to my adulthood considering they lived in Nigeria. I have age figures in my mind, once they pass it, I am prepared. I am already expecting it.

Wouldn't tell my mum this though, because she is quite emotional.

cococandy:

Sagamite get out of here.
You gon make me cry.

Don't tell me after seeing these folks, you don't want to urgently find that your missing rib?

Babes, I am a very strange being.

Actually, I think it is a bit psychopathic trait. I am not very emotional. I am very very realistic and matter of fact, which means I don't judge things or make decisions with emotions.

So I don't see this and go "awww".

I think it is nice and actually laughed with them, but the guy is a complete opposite of me. He is obviously someone that is emotional and connected to his feminine side.

I suspect my connection to my feminine side is provided by NITEL. Very poor connection.

I think I have always been like that because my uncle stayed with me on his recent trip to the UK and when something happened he looked at me and said "God! You have not changed. Nothing fazes you and you just brush off all adversity and get on with it". He then regaled stories of when I was young (less than 13) and how I just take adversity in, think about it, try to solve it and if that is impossible, I brush it off and continue. In a short while, I am smiling and getting on and laugh at the kids who moan.

I also remember when my parents took me to boarding school on my first day. I was a late starter in the school because I was originally posted to the North, but my father was like "I know this boy can survive in the North, but he is the type you have to keep an eye on, so I want him closer to home". So he used leg to change my school. By the time paperwork was done and I started, it was already one month into JSS1.

So when they took me to school, I was the completely new boy and others had already formed relationships. My mum still always remind me that when they (my parents) were about to go, she was expecting me to start crying considering I had never been away from my parents for long, I had no friends and I was seeing all these big seniors in a school notorious for bullying (boarding schools back in the good ol' days ). Worse still was that the only available bed for this late comer was not with my mates but with the SSS3 students.

As they were driving off, my mother was sobbing, I smiled and waved my little hand about 3 times. Turned around and went straight to get to know the niggas and my new hood. Had the best year of my life.

Six years later when she came to take me on my final day in secondary school, about 30 junior kids were running behind the car for about 200m to say good bye to this senior. Mum was surprised I was that popular and liked. Again, she was sobbing. Again, I was smiling and waving at the juniors.

By now, my mum knows her son is not an emotional one. I am only emotional with people who can't help themselves e.g. babies, toddlers, disabled, sick, old etc.

What I liked about the couple in the clip is that they can laugh about their little foibles, not start arguing or creating a sour atmosphere. I would rather be laughing with my girl than be fighting everytime.

That said, I didn't believe him one bit when he said the best sex he ever had was with her. I think he said that to please her and because he thought saying any other thing would hurt her.

I am sure he enjoys sex with her and he is happy having sex with her, but his body language suggest to me he has had better sex with some other girl. But he is obviously genuinely crazy about his wife.

As for finding my missing rib, I have found my missing rib. Called those chinese mudafuckers last week that one rib was missing from my takeaway. They put 5 instead of 6 spare ribs. Murrafuckers! Won fe sheet mi! (Dem wan cheat me!)

bukatyne:


I agree very much with you

What of husbands and wives?

I am afraid I am not the best person to ask that.

My answer would be of little value except you are married to me because I am quite different from most men, hence my expectations are different.

Most men either are confused about what they want or are "real men" that are well trained to sacrifice their happiness to please a woman and think that makes them "mature".

I don't fall into those categories. I am a Professor of Womantology and have different needs.

Sagamite:


As for with your kids, my philosophy is:

- Give your child everything they need but a little of of what they want. Most of what they want, they have to earn somehow.

- Let your kids know that despite the fact that you are friendly and can joke with them, you are their boss (if not even their God as long as they are young). I don't do all that Best Friend with your kids shyt. That said, give them the freedom to explore things that interest them that you might not particularly agree with (only if they show some level of proficiency in this thing). I can joke and laugh with my kids all day, but when I decide to be stern and serious, they have to know who the Boss is.

- Never rule out smacking and corporal punishment. It must be part of the repertoire of tools available if you need it. That said, it should be last or the most deserved resort. You might actually even have kids you never need to smack. Smacking kids most of the time is madness, saying you will never smack your kids is madness.

A lot of the modern, "progressive" child-rearing is pathetic.

....I have an in-law that is as strict and matter-of -fact like you...the dude is so blunt eh,if you want his opinion about how you look after dressing up,be sure he will tell you the truth ...in a polite way none-the-less.

...but ironically his daughter has wrapped him round her little finger ..he just does not like to see or hear her cry,even if he does not react,you can tell he is not pleased.As for spanking her,for where!..he has left that job to his wife.We tease him to know end about that but he says he will go back to his 'true self' when she aporoaches puberty.