₦airaland Forum

5minsmadness:
This is very true.
It's possible that people who hold grudges are far more sensitive than those who don't. They feel the person that hurt them ought to know better. Funny enough such people can also be very kind. It is in others taking advantage of thier kindness that they feel really hurt.

For sure this is true for some people.

But maybe a swift in perspective could help them also see that people do not always hurt us intentionally.
I guess sensitivity clouds our sense of judgement sometimes and we take things far too personally without understanding why someone acted like he or she did.

And maybe we forget too often how many people we have already hurt along the way.

In a way yes buh not totally right

Mindfulness:
@bold

My conviction but forgiveness does not always come easy. Sometimes it takes time. It is a process and it is a long one for some people.

which one do you prefer. Seeing the person and the pain they caused you pops on your head and then you begin to develop anger, hatred and murder tendencies or


being a free happy soul

SAMBARRY:
which one do you prefer. Seeing the person and the pain they caused you pops on your head and then you begin to develop anger, hatred and murder tendencies or


being a free happy soul

I am a very forgiving person and of course I prefer to be free and happy. However, sometimes I wish I could stay angry for a longer period of time. I analyze situations from all the different perspectives involved and almost immediately develop understanding for all parties involved. The problem is that I am the first to apologize (even if the other party has wronged me more) and to forgive and then I have to wait till the other person calms down, and it is not a comfortable position to be in if you deal with people who take their time, long time.

therealdeal10:
In a way yes buh not totally right

Explain please.

Well different people see things differently.

I can look at the sky and you'll say it's sky blue. I can look at it and say it's green

Mindfulness:
I am a very forgiving person and of course I prefer to be free and happy. However, sometimes I wish I could stay angry for a longer period of time. I analyze situations from all the different perspectives involved and almost immediately develop understanding for all parties involved. The problem is that I am the first to apologize (even if the other party has wronged me more) and to forgive and then I have to wait till the other person calms down, and it is not a comfortable position to be in if you deal with people who take their time, long time.

Mindfulness:
This thread was inspired by another (The power of grudges in the family.) and some family members of mine who are known for bearing grudges for a while, whether they have been really wronged or just imaginatively.

What kind of person are you? Quick to forgive or rather resentful or even vindictive?

I am trying to understand what the psychology is behind a forgiving and unforgiving nature? And maybe we can help some people cope with their rather unforgiving family members.

Some people just aren't worth it, not one bit.

Take Nairaland for example. I tend to be an easy-going person and I usually give people a very, very, veryyyyyyyyyyyyy long rope with which to hang themselves if they so wish. Thing is, there are certain boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Once that happens, I immediately cut off my so-called "friends".

Some may see it as keeping malice, but for me, it's a case of "I'm so done with you". Next thing is to move on. And if they like, they can quote me for all I care. I either ignore, or if I find their post offensive, click the "Report" button.

Life doesn't have to be that complicated.

But having said that, there are some folks on here that I do like, have known for a long time, and will always forgive & forget matter how much we fight. I guess it just boils down to personality. Hope I'm making sense this Sunday evening?

Mindfulness:
For sure this is true for some people.

But maybe a swift in perspective could help them also see that people do not always hurt us intentionally.
I guess sensitivity clouds our sense of judgement sometimes and we take things far too personally without understanding why someone acted like he or she did.

And maybe we forget too often how many people we have already hurt along the way.

What if that's not always the case for some people?

Honestly! I don't know... I don't forget too.

Mindfulness:
Why?

I feel people already knw d kind of person i am den y try 2 offend me ??

LaRoyalHighness:
Honestly! I don't know... I don't forget too.

Does it mean that when your boyfriend or husband hurts you, you will never forgive him?

therealdeal10:
I feel people already knw d kind of person i am den y try 2 offend me ??

Do you think people always hurt others intentionally? Have you never hurt anyone unintentionally?
What if there is a disagreement? Some people get angry and feel hurt when people disagree with them.
Some people get angry or feel hurt when you do not do what they expect you to.

blublahd:
What if that's not always the case for some people?

Do you believe that there is any human in this world who has never hurt anyone?

Am I one of them

EfemenaXY:
Some people just aren't worth it, not one bit.

Take Nairaland for example. I tend to be an easy-going person and I usually give people a very, very, veryyyyyyyyyyyyy long rope with which to hang themselves if they so wish. Thing is, there are certain boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Once that happens, I immediately cut off my so-called "friends".

Some may see it as keeping malice, but for me, it's a case of "I'm so done with you". Next thing is to move on. And if they like, they can quote me for all I care. I either ignore, or if I find their post offensive, click the "Report" button.

Life doesn't have to be that complicated.

But having said that, there are some folks on here that I do like, have known for a long time, and will always forgive & forget matter how much we fight. I guess it just boils down to personality. Hope I'm making sense this Sunday evening?

EfemenaXY:
Some people just aren't worth it, not one bit.

Take Nairaland for example. I tend to be an easy-going person and I usually give people a very, very, veryyyyyyyyyyyyy long rope with which to hang themselves if they so wish. Thing is, there are certain boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Once that happens, I immediately cut off my so-called "friends".

Some may see it as keeping malice, but for me, it's a case of "I'm so done with you". Next thing is to move on. And if they like, they can quote me for all I care. I either ignore, or if I find their post offensive, click the "Report" button.

The virtual world is different. Once you shut down your computer, they are gone.

Life doesn't have to be that complicated.

Life, humans and human relationships are complex. Sometimes we make them more complicated than necessary but that is just the way it is.

But having said that, there are some folks on here that I do like, have known for a long time, and will always forgive & forget matter how much we fight. I guess it just boils down to personality. Hope I'm making sense this Sunday evening?

Let us talk about life offline. How long do you need to forgive?

Mindfulness:
Do you believe that there is any human in this world who has never hurt anyone?

I have not hurt anyone who did not provoke me to it after due warning too.
I can't say for everybody.

blublahd:
I have not hurt anyone who did not provoke me to it after due warning too.
I can't say for everybody.

You have never been unfriendly to someone because you had a bad day?
You have never talked back at your mother when she wanted your best by warning you?
You have never cheated on anyone?
You have never left anyone down when they needed you?
You have never lied to anyone and they found out?
You have never put your needs above those of a loved one?
You have never disappointed anyone?
You were never mistrustful of anyone who didn't deserve it?
You have never acted cold toward someone?
You have never made a snappish remark?
You have never refused to help someone even though you could have?

Mindfulness:
Do you think people always hurt others intentionally? Have you never hurt anyone unintentionally?
What if there is a disagreement? Some people get angry and feel hurt when people disagree with them.
Some people get angry or feel hurt when you do not do what they expect you to.

Who is shallow enough to hold grudge on something that was not intentionally done?
We are talking of malicious things that you gave thought and time to accomplish!
Things you wouldn't want peeps to do to you. Things done for your own self interest without you thinking of the other party.

blublahd:
Who is shallow enough to hold grudge on something that was not intentionally done?
We are talking of malicious things that you gave thought and time to accomplish!
Things you wouldn't want peeps to do to you. Things done for your own self interest without you thinking of the other party.

People can get also get hurt by actions that were not meant to hurt them but which were done without consideration (unintentionally).
People can get hurt for such reasons. It isn't shallow, it is JUST the way they feel.

It depends... i forgive sometimes... Sometimes I don't ... Sometimes I don't forget... Sometimes I just dismiss and forget it ever happened.

Mindfulness:
Does it mean that when your boyfriend or husband hurts you, you will never forgive him?

Mindfulness:
The virtual world is different. Once you shut down your computer, they are gone.

True that.

Mindfulness:
Life, humans and human relationships are complex. Sometimes we make them more complicated than necessary but that is just the way it is.

Like cheap soaps, yeah?

Mindfulness:
Let us talk about life offline. How long do you need to forgive?

Not long. Most times, it's instant.

EfemenaXY:
True that.



Like cheap soaps, yeah?



Not long. Most times, it's instant.

Why do you think are you able to forgive quickly?

SAMBARRY:
Am I one of them

One of who?

Mindfulness:
You have never been unfriendly to someone because you had a bad day?
You have never talked back at your mother when she wanted your best by warning you?
You have never cheated on anyone?
You have never left anyone down when they needed you?
You have never lied to anyone and they found out?
You have never put your needs above those of a loved one?
You have never disappointed anyone?
You were never mistrustful of anyone who didn't deserve it?
You have never acted cold toward someone?
You have never made a snappish remark?
You have never refused to help someone even though you could have?

Who the fućk holds a grudge over snappish remarks, bad day reaction, cold shoulders,? Those are kids and female stuffs joor.

EfemenaXY:


One of who?

ya last paragraph na

Mindfulness:
Why do you think are you able to forgive quickly?

Well, probably because I choose not to dwell on it. So take for example, family members. I love my sister-in-law (hubby's brother's wife) to bits. We can talk for hours on end about everything and nothing in particular. Sometimes she might say certain things out of line which I normally would find offensive but I give allowances for our very different cultural backgrounds (she's European). But on one occasion, she did say something that got me really mad. I was literally boiling inside but on the outside, I calmly told her I didn't want to talk about it and ended the call shortly after. Then she sends a text to reiterate her point. I nearly threw the phone against the wall, but again, I restrained myself with a "thanks for your opinion, but I really don't want to discuss this anymore".

Didn't call her for a couple of days but then she called and I picked. Her first response was, "I thought you weren't going to pick up". It was at that point I let her know how offended I felt and even before I completed my sentence, she was apologizing. Now why did I leave it for a few days? Was that really keeping malice with her from my end? No, it wasn't. But sometimes, it's best not to say things in the heat of the moment. Take as much time as you need to cool down. When you're in a calmer frame of mind, then address the issue again, but in a saner mood. To cut a long story short, we're back on track and as good as gold.

D'you get me now?

SAMBARRY:
ya last paragraph na

You sef.

My bobo (Sagamite) is whispering in my ears. Why d'you choose this moment to distract me, Kulyie?

And in response to your question, no babes, you don't fall into the category @OP is describing na. I mean, I know you have wacky ideas and we've disagreed many many times but it's never got out of hand now. Or has it?

Happy Sunday!

blublahd:
Who the fućk holds a grudge over snappish remarks, bad day reaction, cold shoulders,? Those are kids and female stuffs joor.

I gave you a list of examples, you picked one.

Anyway, if I make a snappish remark about your mother, you may feel very offended.

EfemenaXY:
Well, probably because I choose not to dwell on it. So take for example, family members. I love my sister-in-law (hubby's brother's wife) to bits. We can talk for hours on end about everything and nothing in particular. Sometimes she might say certain things out of line which I normally would find offensive but I give allowances for our very different cultural backgrounds (she's European). But on one occasion, she did say something that got me really mad. I was literally boiling inside but on the outside, I calmly told her I didn't want to talk about it and ended the call shortly after. Then she sends a text to reiterate her point. I nearly threw the phone against the wall, but again, I restrained myself with a "thanks for your opinion, but I really don't want to discuss this anymore".

I conclude that you don't hold grudges because you can understand others, like in this example, the cultural differences, which leads to another conclusion, that people who are able to take on someone else's perspective are probably more capable of forgiveness.

Just out of curiosity, how do cultural differences manifest in this scenario? Can you give an example of what she says that could be considered rude or offensive?

Didn't call her for a couple of days but then she called and I picked. Her first response was, "I thought you weren't going to pick up". It was at that point I let her know how offended I felt and even before I completed my sentence, she was apologizing. Now why did I leave it for a few days? Was that really keeping malice with her from my end? No, it wasn't. But sometimes, it's best not to say things in the heat of the moment. Take as much time as you need to cool down. When you're in a calmer frame of mind, then address the issue again, but in a saner mood. To cut a long story short, we're back on track and as good as gold.

D'you get me now?

This is what I also do.
When I was younger, I would continue talking in anger and later regret the things I said. We grow wiser with age.

Mindfulness:
This thread was inspired by another (The power of grudges in the family.) and some family members of mine who are known for bearing grudges for a while, whether they have been really wronged or just imaginatively.

What kind of person are you? Quick to forgive or rather resentful or even vindictive?

I am trying to understand what the psychology is behind a forgiving and unforgiving nature? And maybe we can help some people cope with their rather unforgiving family members.

I overlook minor things quite easily and just get on with it. I don't necessarily need an apology.

If it is something bad or hurtful, I only forgive when the person SINCERELY apologises. Not those "okay-I-apologise-shut-up" apologies. If I don't get the apology, I just ignore the person.

If it is something evil and was done intentionally, then I never forgive. If it is someone close (girlfriend, buddy, family etc), I will just cut them off. If it is not, I will be coming for you if I can. Revenge is sweet and I am ruthless at it!

Used to hold grudge,could last even a decade,but since I stated praying this lines every morning "...and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those...." It just doesn't make me feel my prayers wld be answered without forgiving my offenders, so I forgive and have peace.

But mostly it has too do with ur temprament.

Sanguines forgive almost immediately
Choleric hold serios grudges
Melancholy hold grudges too
U hardly offend phlegs.

Sagamite:
I overlook minor things quite easily and just get on with it. I don't necessarily need an apology.

If it is something bad or hurtful, I only forgive when the person SINCERELY apologises. Not those "okay-I-apologise-shut-up" apologies. If I don't get the apology, I just ignore the person.

If it is something evil and was done intentionally, then I never forgive. If it is someone close (girlfriend, buddy, family etc), I will just cut them off. If it is not, I will be coming for you if I can. Revenge is sweet and I am ruthless at it!

When is an apology SINCERE? How do you know it is sincere?