₦airaland Forum

EfemenaXY:
"Left alone" as how? And no, that never happened, not even when my dad passed away. I got 150% support from him.

If he hadn't been, would you have forgiven him?

Re: Marrying a second wife, that doesn't faze me. I'll even give him the money for her bride price. I could do with a childminder to run after my energetic toddler.

You are joking, right?

EfemenaXY:
Lol!

I can't even begin to explain what you're missing babe.

Give me a shout when you change your mind sha.

you can shek back in 2098

EfemenaXY:
I don't get what you're driving at.

If you've got a particular example relating to your personal experience, then out with it. This is getting tiresome.

I am sorry. I don't. I just know that some people feel left alone by friends or relatives when they lose someone because they feel they do not get enough emotional support. I don't know what your husband did to make you feel supported but imagine he would not have done it.

Mindfulness:
I am sorry. I don't. I just know that some people feel left alone by friends or relatives when they lose someone because they feel they do not get enough emotional support. I don't know what your husband did to make you feel supported but imagine he would not have done it.

Well, I can't imagine what never happened.

Mindfulness:
It is not injustice AND betrayal when someone leaves you alone in your worst moment even though you were there for them in difficult times?

No! It means they are too busy/dysfunctional to care!
Nor be offence or CRIME!
Do you know their own problems?
Or na only me get problems?

Even in my plight, I never forget others may be WORSE OFF!
Time to remember the times I DID NOT GIVE SUPPORT TOO!
That is not the time to focus on the issues of others!

I have OTHER CHOICES and A WIDE RANGE OF PERSONS IN MY SUPPORT SYSTEM!

5minsmadness:
Apologising is like a trigger action. As soon as the person does so I forgive immediately and forget completely.

Yes it hurts to hold a grudge. It's not healthy. It's something I'm working on as a matter of fact.

U sound like a twin brother. I can hardly forgive without apology from the offender. But my heart melt d moment an apology is made, no matter d weight of d offence

5minsmadness:
I hold grudges. Usually if someone does me bad and doesn't apologize I hold the grudge for as long as possible. By holding a grudge I mean I ignore the person completely. No calls no text. If the person approaches me I interact minimally. I don't go all out to exact revenge. I just wipe the person from my existence.

This!

It depends on the offense. At any rate, neither apology nor forgiveness come easily to me. Even if all is forgiven, I'm not one to forget what someone is capable of. I file the incident away. I wouldn't call it a grudge per se, but a note of character.

When I'm truly sorry, I'd sooner show it through action than express it in words. I can hardly, for the life of me, out the words. I can text it easily enough tho, so thank god for texting, lol.

I try to forgive though it's difficult but in most cases, I never forget.

It depends on who and what he/she did to get me offended tho.

5minsmadness:
Apologising is like a trigger action. As soon as the person does so I forgive immediately and forget completely.

Yes it hurts to hold a grudge. It's not healthy. It's something I'm working on as a matter of fact.

yea me too.I feel more annoyed when someone does not apologize knowing what he or she did was hurtful to me.But immediately you apologize I totally forget. I don't even remember it happened.

but in cases where the person don't apologize I carry d grudge for days then I forgive without ur permission. To set myself free.Also I see it like u don't worth carrying in my mind.like forgiving u without ur apology is my pride!

my minimal interaction with you is only to avoid its happening again,due of how much hurt I felt the other time.for family members this blood tie of a thing just melt it away ASAP.


But recently, from personal experiences n philosophy about life, nothing can hit me real hard nor does anything surprise me.

thelish:
U sound like a twin brother. I can hardly forgive without apology from the offender. But my heart melt d moment an apology is made, no matter d weight of d offence

yea twin sister

ladygudhead:
yea twin sister

lolz

I'm extremely forgiving to the point that it's almost a problem. I have a very happy nature and so it's pretty much physically impossible for me to stay angry for up to a full day. So I 'forgive' but I don't forget, it's a middle child thing I guess. I'm used to jus letting people have their way

Gurgle, you nko.

Please can someone proffer practical solutions that work for folks like me who struggle with forgiveness?

I agree with Sagamite about the whole sincere & insincere apology thing but sometimes (for me) saying I am sorry isn't even helpful because the things a person may have said or done before the 'I am sorry bit' are far more weightier than their apology.

In other words an apology doesn't always take away the sting of a person's previous words or actions. When you consider the apology and the deed that hurt you, the apology just doesn't add up or it just doesn't impact you in a good way.

I hope I am making sense and would genuinely appreciate solutions that might help in this sort of scenario because right now I am struggling with a hurt caused by a good friend that is seriously threatening to end our friendship from where I stand.

She probably thinks & feels that because she apologized twice we are good but we are not - because her first apology came across as very flippant, carelessly offered like I can't see the big deal here. The second apology via WhatsApp voice message still had a bit of defensiveness in it like - I really can't remember saying that but anyway I apologize for everything.

sihom:
Please can someone proffer practical solutions that work for folks like me who struggle with forgiveness?

Is it always hard for you to forgive people?

I agree with Sagamite about the whole sincere & insincere apology thing but sometimes (for me) saying I am sorry isn't even helpful because the things a person may have said or done before the 'I am sorry bit' are far more weightier than their apology.

In other words an apology doesn't always take away the sting of a person's previous words or actions. When you consider the apology and the deed that hurt you, the apology just doesn't add up or it just doesn't impact you in a good way.

I hope I am making sense and would genuinely appreciate solutions that might help in this sort of scenario because right now I am struggling with a hurt caused by a good friend that is seriously threatening to end our friendship from where I stand.

She probably thinks & feels that because she apologized twice we are good but we are not - because her first apology came across as very flippant, carelessly offered like I can't see the big deal here. The second apology via WhatsApp voice message still had a bit of defensiveness in it like - I really can't remember saying that but anyway I apologize for everything.

I am a very forgiving person but I have also already experienced situation, in which it was very hard for me to forgive. I wanted to forgive but I couldn't. What definitely didn't help, was pressure. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself since I have always believed that forgiveness is way better than malice BUT I also know NOW that forgiveness does not always come easy and sometimes needs TIME. So take your time. Accept the apology BUT also accept that you still feel hurt. You have the right to feel whatever it is that you feel. Accept it and respect it and communicate it. Tell your friend that you accept her apology (if you do) but also tell her that you are still angry/hurt/disappointed or whatever and that you need time to make your peace with it. The emotions you are feeling now about her and the situation will weaken with time, sooner or later, but do not try to act as if they were not there and do not suppress them. And most importantly do not blame yourself for feeling the way you do. It is ok!

I choose to forgive because it makes me feel a lot better

I hold a grudge for a while then forgive

If the offence is big enough, I just tend to cut the person off . . .which is something I am dealing with.
What makes it worse is that sometines I wont even bother letting you know what exactly you did assuming you didnt already know.
I can be very lazy when it comes to going the extra mile to resolving issues with people.

I hate all this "he said", "she said", "she did" and come and rojo business, so I rather just pass and move on & eventually with time I will just forgive regardless of an apology or not.

My mum is the opposite and I try and take a cue from her.
Lots of noise but no bite & once you offend her you wil hear the story of your life one minute and the next minute she will share a dirink with you as its all over. Awon drama inc.

sihom:
Please can someone proffer practical solutions that work for folks like me who struggle with forgiveness?

I agree with Sagamite about the whole sincere & insincere apology thing but sometimes (for me) saying I am sorry isn't even helpful because the things a person may have said or done before the 'I am sorry bit' are far more weig

In other words an apology doesn't always take away the sting of a person's previous words or actions. When you consider the apology and the deed that hurt you, the apology just doesn't add up or it just doesn't impact you in a good way.

I hope I am making sense and would genuinely appreciate solutions that might help in this sort of scenario because right now I am struggling with a hurt caused by a good friend that is seriously threatening to end our friendship from where I stand.

She probably thinks & feels that because she apologized twice we are good but we are not - because her first apology came across as very flippant, carelessly offered like I can't see the big deal here. The second apology via WhatsApp voice message still had a bit of defensiveness in it like - I really can't remember saying that but anyway I apologize for everything

When I stumbled on this topic, I was eager to find out people's views.

I find it easy to forgive , my husband on the other hand can hold on to a grudge for years or even decades.
I have only held a prolonged grudge once in my life ( details withheld ) but I realised I was more angry at myself for allowing myself to be walked over and treated bad so many times by that person without defending myself.

Everyday I held that grudge I had no peace. I listened to CD's on forgiveness, songs on forgiveness e.t.c but still no peace. Then one day four years later I picked up the phone and called the person and just said hello, and that was it the burden just rolled off my heart.

I know this person will still hurt me if given the chance and I know "they" still hold on to the entitlement that "they" had the right to do whatever "they" did but I've forgiven and I'm free.
I haven't forgotten though and I'm prepared now to defend myself in the future.

I guess the ability to forgive/not forgive lies with individual temperaments , melancholics find it hard to forgive while sanguines let go easily. But temperaments could be worked on.

tearoses:
If the offence is big enough, I just tend to cut the person off . . .which is something I am dealing with.
What makes it worse is that sometines I wont even bother letting you know what exactly you did assuming you didnt already know.
I can be very lazy when it comes to going the extra mile to resolving issues with people.

I hate all this "he said", "she said", "she did" and come and rojo business, so I rather just pass and move on & eventually with time I will just forgive regardless of an apology or not.

My mum is the opposite and I try and take a cue from her.
Lots of noise but no bite & once you offend her you wil hear the story of your life one minute and the next minute she will share a dirink with you as its all over. Awon drama inc.

I am your mum through and through.
When offended once I can talk and talk about it either with the offender or any one who cares to listen, I get it off my chest.
The next time I see the person it's business as usual

nodwus:
I am your mum through and through.
When offended once I can talk and talk about it either with the offender or any one who cares to listen, I get it off my chest.
The next time I see the person it's business as usual

LOL
Its funny, cos I like talking . . so i can jist on the phone for 2 hours but I dont like talking about things that upset me.

My husband is like my mum. If you offend him you will know straight away. . . you will hear it o!!
I sometimes have to use style to tap him or sign him to take it easy with the person

The annoying thing is that he will report someone to me, I will be the one "begging" on the persons behalf and hubby will be saying "No he is a foolish boy let me deal with him"
. . . . . .however, before tomorrow, that same "foolish boy" will be in my hubbys good books again.
Now when he brings his reports, I just say pele no vex. Dont mind them jare

tearoses:
If the offence is big enough, I just tend to cut the person off . . .which is something I am dealing with.
What makes it worse is that sometines I wont even bother letting you know what exactly you did assuming you didnt already know.
I can be very lazy when it comes to going the extra mile to resolving issues with people.

I hate all this "he said", "she said", "she did" and come and rojo business, so I rather just pass and move on & eventually with time I will just forgive regardless of an apology or not.

My mum is the opposite and I try and take a cue from her.
Lots of noise but no bite & once you offend her you wil hear the story of your life one minute and the next minute she will share a dirink with you as its all over. Awon drama inc.

I was like your mum too. When someone annoy me, I say what I want to say or do what I want to do and move on almost immediately. I used to also almost immediately forget what happened until I knew better. Until I was purnished severally for forgiving and forgetting a little bit too early.I realised that people when given the chance might just finish you up this time. I had to learn to protect myself I realised that people can hold on to something you have forgotten and would bite when you least expect it.Now I forgive but not forget. I also take the necessary steps to stop the person from hurting me again. That step could be as bad as cutting the person off. Not because I have not forgiven, but because I don't want the person to hurt me again.

babygirlfl:
I was like your mum too. When someone annoy me, I say what I want to say and move on almost immediately. I used to also almost forget what happened until I knew better. Until I was purnished severally for forgiving and forgetting a little bit too early.I realised that people when given the chance might just finish you up this time. I had to learn to protect myself I realised that people can hold on to something you have forgotten and would bite when you least expect it.Now I forgive but not forget. I also take the necessary steps to stop the person from hurting me again. That step could be as bad as cutting the person off. Not because I have not forgiven, but because I don't want the person to hurt me again.

Trust me when you have heard from my mum once you will go and sin no more
The drink she will offer you the next day sef, its only one lip you will use to sip it

tearoses:
If the offence is big enough, I just tend to cut the person off . . .which is something I am dealing with.
What makes it worse is that sometines I wont even bother letting you know what exactly you did assuming you didnt already know.
I can be very lazy when it comes to going the extra mile to resolving issues with people.

I hate all this "he said", "she said", "she did" and come and rojo business, so I rather just pass and move on & eventually with time I will just forgive regardless of an apology or not.

My mum is the opposite and I try and take a cue from her.
Lots of noise but no bite & once you offend her you wil hear the story of your life one minute and the next minute she will share a dirink with you as its all over. Awon drama inc.

When is the offense big enough?

Mindfulness:
When is the offense big enough?

Depends on who is doing the offending, time, situation, circumstances, previous occurences etc etc
You will know within you the degree of hurt/anger at that point.
If I have a friend who continusly lies so me over irrelevant things, then there is no point sustaining that friendship.
Clearly she doesnt trust me enough as a friend she can be straigt with, so better to let each other go.

tearoses:
Depends on who is doing the offending, time, situation, circumstances, previous occurences etc etc
You will know within you the degree of hurt/anger at that point.
If I have a friend who continusly lies so me over irrelevant things, then there is no point sustaining that friendship.
Clearly she doesnt trust me enough as a friend she can be straigt with, so better to let each other go.

Some people do not lie because they don't trust you but because they don't know how to tell the truth.
They grew up like that. How many Nigerian parents encourage honesty? As a matter of fact, most Nigerian parents encourage dishonesty and discourage trust and honesty.

As for the degree of hurt and anger, doesn't the depth of hurt and anger only show how important the offender actually is to you? Is it not that the closest to us have the power to hurt us the most because they matter to us more than others who are not so close?

Mindfulness:
Some people do not lie because they don't trust you but because they don't know how to tell the truth.
They grew up like that. How many Nigerian parents encourage honesty? As a matter of fact, most Nigerian parents encourage dishonesty and discourage trust and honesty.

As for the degree of hurt and anger, doesn't the depth of hurt and anger only show how important the offender actually is to you? Is it not that the closest to us have the power to hurt us the most because they matter to us more than others who are not so close?

Hmmmmm
There are many things we are brought up with but with time we sift through it all and pick the best otherwise we will be exactly like our parents and our children will be exactly like us.
This is actually a true scenario that I gave

Severally Someone stood in front of me and lied when there was no reason to
I didnt even ask you the question
You offererd the info yourself.
I felt that she lied becasue she did not take my friendship seriously, therefore there was no need to continue with it
We are adults not tom tom primamry school friendship

Truth be told its easier to let go of someone who isnt that close to you in the first instance
Its also easier to forgive and move on with someone close to you, even easier if they apologise.

tearoses:
Hmmmmm
There are many things we are brought up with but with time we sift through it all and pick the best otherwise we will be exactly like our parents and our children will be exactly like us.
This is actually a true scenario that I gave

The fact that we become more or less different than our parents does not necessarily mean that we become better.

Severally Someone stood in front of me and lied when there was no reason to
I didnt even ask you the question
You offererd the info yourself.
I felt that she lied becasue she did not take my friendship seriously, therefore there was no need to continue with it
We are adults not tom tom primamry school friendship

You FELT that she lied because she didn't take your friendship seriously but she had possibly other reasons.

Truth be told its easier to let go of someone who isnt that close to you in the first instance
Its also easier to forgive and move on with someone close to you, even easier if they apologise.

It CAN be AT TIMES harder to forgive someone who is close to you because it hurts more.

Mindfulness:
The fact that we become more or less different than our parents does not necessarily mean that we become better.



You FELT that she lied because she didn't take your friendship seriously but she had possibly other reasons.



It CAN be AT TIMES harder to forgive someone who is close to you because it hurts more.

I said Sift through what our parents taught us and pick the best things.

Lying cant be a positive element to any relationship.
When you lie, especially when the person you lied to knows that you did, then you open the door for other things to come in such as wrong conclusions, misinterpretion & a break down in communication etc.

I choose not to be friends with someone who lies to me. Just as anyone can choose not to be friends with me for whatever valid reason that they may have. I am not everyones choice of friend either and I understand that.

Yes the closer you are the more the hurt in some instances, but then again its all subjective.
Will it mean more if my hubby burnt a blouse whilst ironing it or if my laundryman who is not so close to me but who knows all about fabrics burns it?

I dont know where thise conversation is heading o! its feels like master mind

tearoses:
I said Sift through what our parents taught us and pick the best things.

The underlying assumption is that ALL people are intelligent enough and psychologically strong enough to do so. This is a fallacy.

Lying cant be a positive element to any relationship.
When you lie, especially when the person you lied to knows that you did, then you open the door for other things to come in such as wrong conclusions, misinterpretion & a break down in communication etc.

True but not all people are aware of it.

I choose not to be friends with someone who lies to me. Just as anyone can choose not to be friends with me for whatever valid reason that they may have. I am not everyones choice of friend either and I understand that.

It is your choice and I have no problem with it. I prefer to have honest friends too.

Yes the closer you are the more the hurt in some instances, but then again its all subjective.
Will it mean more if my hubby burnt a blouse whilst ironing it or if my laundryman who is not so close to me but who knows all about fabrics burns it?

This example does not fit the context. We aren't talking about accidents here, are we?

I dont know where thise conversation is heading o! its feels like master mind

Me neither but it's fun.

I Don't forgive, I don't forget, if you got me, I will get you.