It is very challenging for the Op.
But I have a question, how does a spouse communicate her sexual preferences without crushing her man's ego. Men and bedroom pride.

With that long list, that's not a trophy wife, that's a servant. I imagine the life of a trophy wife to be one where the emotional connection is lacking but he desires her physical attributes for public showing & the bedroom. Trophy wives also conjure images for me of a wife being spoiled. What you describe is being worked to death & getting little in return. How generous can he be if you are working full time and you don't have help (nannies, housekeeping, etc)?...

It seems like you've married a rigid man. Since you don't write as if this is a turn of events, I have a feeling his demeanor hasn't changed much from the start of your relationship but perhaps you thought you could deal with it or he would change?

I don't know what to say as you seem to have taken every avenue to communicate, as you say. Divorce is an option for miserable marriages, but it's a huge step & you don't seem like that's anywhere near what you want. Maybe print out this post and let him read it.

katyamizotta:
I will be celebrating my fourth year wedding anniversary in Febuary. I will be entertaining and giving testimoniees when in actual fact im highly dissatisfied and unhappy.
Sex; almost three years im still waiting to have an orgasm. I began pretending to have one because i couldnt bear the pain (married as a virgin, months after losing it, i was still experiencing pain). Ive being giving oral since we got married. Recently i discovered women can also enjoy it. I told him about it and suddenly he remembers all the diseases that can be passed orally.
Chores: i feel like a senior househelp. DH (dear husband) will complain abt untidy state of the house but will not help out (i work in a bank, 7am - 8pm) get home at 9pm. I'll come home from work, do homework for my daughter, serve husband meal (he wont eat except he is served) do outstanding chores. Sleep at 12am - 4.40am
Kids; I feed, bathe, clothe, train. He has never bathed our 2yr old ever, even when i was ill. I had to take the child to work severally as he cant babysit for long. He works from home but goes out thrice a week for project supervision
Criticism; its killing me. Im crticised abt everything. My looks (im pretty im told, my dad is Lebanese\Austrian, mum is igbo) but i dont makeup. Im criticised for that, for not being a good cook (im learning) for not keeping a tidy home (with my job?) For not entertaining his friends with food and drinks (im exhausted), for not liking his particular place of worship (i dont mind another branch, the present head makes the talks boring, for not being a fashionista.
I dont feel loved. I feel like a trophy wife.
The good side is he is generous. I get a car, change of wardobe, a vacation each year. These dont move me. I want to be heard. Ive tried to talk to him severally but he makes me seem ungrateful. Ive talked to his sisters and our head in the place of worship and when he was invited he denied it, didnt talk to me for three days and made me apologise for disrespecting him.
I want to be heard. Am i asking for too much?

This is who she "saved" herself for


Bbe he's far from generous because you work your butt off twice as hard as him. Sister who lied to you and said that he is generous

You paid for that car and holiday both financially and physically.

You are a Trophy Woman.


You really are his trophy and he's lucky to have you so....



switch it up!!!


Serve him ke, girl, Laugh hard and go feed your kids. His friends me, not in your house he can go out with them. Stand up for yourself and grow a back bone. Trust me, men don't wanna admit it but they LOVE that shi! I'm not suggesting you become a monster or a nightmare to live with don't get this twisted, what I mean is HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT before you expect it from him. I'm just saying. And of course pray hard fast harder....

edwife:
Hmm dear you have said it all.But then again,i have one pertinent question.tv01 please if you can answer it.How can a 31 years old virgin woman who only had carnal knowledge with one man is yet to experience orgasm or even know how it feels or what it is? It 's like eating your mum native soup,you will think it is the best soup ever as no one has ever made it for you,no? It is only when you eat the same soup from someone else that you will compare;no?

I think OP has responded. I would be wary though, media generally gives a very narrow view of what good intimacy looks like. It's easy to get a skewered view.

As I kind of stated, my basis is the desire to please, be patient and bear with one another. Someone mentioned how penetration doesn't do it for all women - in fact I hear it may be most, especially amongst sisters - how does she know what works for her?

You will have geat sex with a great person. At worst, it will be satisfying. The root issue here is first a lack of emotional intimacy and care, seemingly driven by selfish and unconsidered mindsets, and maybe wrong impressions of what marriage should be and wrong priorities.

Resolve that first and the sex will almost certainly improve as a by-product. Then if desired, they can move on to super-sizing their intimacy . Afterall, if all of a sudden the sex became great, would you consider the situation fixed?

Marriage is way more than sex and when it's full as can be, intimacy finds it's rightful place. For emphasis, there is no mention of a genral loving environment here. For many women (and men) that is just as important. The cuddles, the in-jokes, the shared moments, the overall sense of mission within the marriage.

On "toys". I personally see it as cheating, unless it's by mutual consent (not undue coercion). The "take ownership of ones sexual satisfaction", should within marriage, be constrained by doing that with your partners engagement, not unilaterally.

Where does one draw the line? If ownership for one is intimacy gadgets, why can't it be prozzies or side-chicks for another?

Again, all the best OP. Be prayerful and considered. God bless your union.


TV

TV01:

I think OP has responded. I would be wary though, media generally gives a very narrow view of what good intimacy looks like. It's easy to get a skewered view.

As I kind of stated, my basis is the desire to please, be patient and bear with one another. Someone mentioned how penetration doesn't do it for all women - in fact I hear it may be most, especially amongst sisters - how does she know what works for her?

You will have geat sex with a great person. At worst, it will be satisfying. The root issue here is first a lack of emotional intimacy and care, seemingly driven by selfish and unconsidered mindsets, and maybe wrong impressions of what marriage should be and wrong priorities.

Resolve that first and the sex will almost certainly improve as a by-product. Then if desired, they can move on to super-sizing their intimacy . Afterall, if all of a sudden the sex became great, would you consider the situation fixed?

Marriage is way more than sex and when it's full as can be, intimacy finds it's rightful place. For emphasis, there is no mention of a genral loving environment here. For many women (and men) that is just as important. The cuddles, the in-jokes, the shared moments, the overall sense of mission within the marriage.

On "toys". I personally see it as cheating, unless it's by mutual consent (not undue coercion). The "take ownership of ones sexual satisfaction", should within marriage, be constrained by doing that with your partners engagement, not unilaterally.

Where does one draw the line? If ownership for one is intimacy gadgets, why can't it be prozzies or side-chicks for another?

Again, all the best OP. Be prayerful and considered. God bless your union.


TV

Great post.

@OP i wish you all the best but i will leave you with something my mum used to say;

Marriage is like a box,Unless both people start putting things into the box like Love, kindness, appreciation,selfness.......
There is no Love in marriage. Love is in people and people either put the love in marriage or keep it out.
There is no romance in marriage; people have to add romance and passion to their relationship or else the relationship will turn tepid and stagnant.

Apply wisdom.

katyamizotta:
Thanks Everyone, I sincerely appreciate. I will make myself happy first, while comitting this to God.
For the sake of my child i hope it gets better.
@ Edwife, I read, I have colleagues and TV to listen to, enough to have an idea what an orgasm is. Remember i can fake it.

I tried to talk with him again. It was a stalemate as he obviously hasnt gotten over the fact that i talked with the head at our worship center, and his sisters.
My punishment for bringing up the topic: No sex, and i can stop cooking since he'll no longer eat at home.
He also complained that once Im at work, i do not call him or remember he exist. I do but i keep shifting waiting for a quiet opportunity till the day is gone.

Moral lesson; Pause well, look before you leap

Resolution; Be happy, Love myself and it will spill over, and trust God

Hello.

I really wanted to write a very long post yesterday (I was actually awake thinking about what you said). I kind of don't want to get into this publicly. I don't think you should have spoken to him, not yet. There were a lot of steps before "Sitting Down and Talking To Him" should have happened. So would you mind if I pm you? I'm not going to tell you to endure or to go crazy or to pray till your knees wear out or moralise at your expense. We are just going to try and get good results. We have some things in common so I felt sad when I read this. If you don't wish to talk, no problem and I hope the situation works out

Madam, go and learn how to apply makeup. Maybe on Saturdays. It's a good thing he is telling you what he likes to see. Some will go outside and start carrying masquerade because they think their virgin wife should not look made up.
There are some things you have to make adjustments for, as long as you don't lose who you are. Your husband knows what he likes to see, so wear makeup biko. I can imagine how you look with work stress and baby stress, plus no makeup. Probably not even making the hair. Let's not even imagine how you would have looked like while breastfeeding. Please learn to enhance your already beautiful looks.
Nothing wrong with your husband wanting an arm candy. Men are visual. Also, as you are a virgin it seems you need tutoring in how to make this man eat out of your hands. You are a woman, you need to learn how to make your husband do what you want without force. You need to let go of the anger and study him properly to understand when and where to get him to agree to anything. , without realizing it.
You don't have problems, you both just need to work through some little misunderstanding. I also think it is imperative to stop acting like a super woman, and ask for help when you need it(every time you need it).
Finally, go out and get your hair done, fix your nails and wear little makeup. Clean up and shave below and wear better lingerie smelling nice. Dem Neva born am Wel not to lick the candy. Give yourself brain abeg. If you are out of shape, get back into shape. Look at yourself and be honest if you would lick you in your present state. Hahaha. A tomboy virgin, haaa, you too got to admit your husband is probably trying. Though he should be helping more. But you too have to make some effort to look like a lady and act like one. I don't mean in character but in carriage

Onegai:


Hello.

I really wanted to write a very long post yesterday (I was actually awake thinking about what you said). I kind of don't want to get into this publicly. I don't think you should have spoken to him, not yet. There were a lot of steps before "Sitting Down and Talking To Him" should have happened. So would you mind if I pm you? I'm not going to tell you to endure or to go crazy or to pray till your knees wear out or moralise at your expense. We are just going to try and get good results. We have some things in common so I felt sad when I read this. If you don't wish to talk, no problem and I hope the situation works out

Thanks Onegai. I'd appreciate a pm.

Baby124. Lol I got my nails fixed today. And wore pepper red lipstick. I think I look weird. I can't do much with my hair, it's too long and light so I'm stuck. Just braid it down

katyamizotta:


Thanks Onegai. I'd appreciate a pm.

Baby124. Lol I got my nails fixed today. And wore pepper red lipstick. I think I look weird. I can't do much with my hair, it's too long and light so I'm stuck. Just braid it down

Good for you. Normally I won't give this advice, but I know exactly the type of person you are. You naturally don't care about your looks as much as you should. You are a woman, married to a man. As far as I know, none of you are gay. So try and be the woman he married. Being married as a Tom boy and a virgin doesn't mean you cannot be sexy. Your husband wants his wife sexy, you have to just adjust and get used to it. Sooner or later when you see his reaction and he sees all the attention you are getting from this upgrade, he will be desperate to please you. Right now he doesn't feel the need or think anyone will even notice you outside. Take Saturday's off and leave his child with him. Go and make your hair and treat yourself to a spa. Make sure your baby girl is safe though amongst all this friends he likes to carry. Warn him to watch your child well. Life can be fun, be the woman and take it easy. Your husband has money, enjoy yourself and your life.

For hair, go and straighten it and cut in layers to give it body. Get a good hair dresser to take care of your hair and teach you how to. For makeup don't jump to red. Go to a Mac store or makeup store and experiment with colours you like. First start with shaping your eye brows through a professional, and getting a good brow liner. Get a good moisturizer with SPF and stick with a lip stain for now, maybe nud*e or pink color. It will give you the natural look, enhance your beauty and not make you feel awkward.

For cooking, make YouTube your best friend. Everything is on YouTube. If YouTube cannot do it, o girl hire a calabar man. Goodluck.

lol...try different types to find which is best for you. Make "yourself" looking great for you.
You can do much with your hair...visit a good stylist.

katyamizotta:


Thanks Onegai. I'd appreciate a pm.

Baby124. Lol I got my nails fixed today. And wore pepper red lipstick. I think I look weird. I can't do much with my hair, it's too long and light so I'm stuck. Just braid it down

edwife:
Great post.

Too kind. Thank you.

edwife:
@OP i wish you all the best but i will leave you with something my mum used to say;

Marriage is like a box,Unless both people start putting things into the box like Love, kindness, appreciation,selfness.......
There is no Love in marriage. Love is in people and people either put the love in marriage or keep it out.
There is no romance in marriage; people have to add romance and passion to their relationship or else the relationship will turn tepid and stagnant.

Apply wisdom.

Love this. Those that go around shouting toxic or shitty marriage would do well to understand this. As if one can order a toxic marriage or shitty union online? The institution is for the long-term benefit and wellbeing of you and your progeny. It is what you make it.

TV

Jahblessme:
before the endurance crew arrive.

Lolz, nice perspective. I don't subscribe to that endurance theory.

katyamizotta:
Ive a help. She closes at six, drops my kid with my cousin who leaves nearby and i pick up my kid from my cousin's house on my way home from work.
The maid, she tries, but hubby cant eat what i didnt cook, and whatever the help couldnt do i have to do. It once got to the point where i serve meals on the dining and go the the kitchenette to eat to avoid dinner discussion of which chores werent done

@Faniran i will definitely add a nanny and maybe another help.

@Jahbless i think i would consider your vibrator.

@thorpido please advice the singles. Ive learnt the hardest way.

The chore bit may seem trivial but when your constantly reminded its disturbing and distracting.

so sorry about your plight ma'am

donbenedict:
those ladies who wana marry a rich man, nw here is your story.....


let me speak sense into u ladies who r single, dont get married to just any husband buh get married to a human being... a human being has feelings and a conscience.

U are veeeeery correct

Onegai could u please resend it Pm. I didn't see it though I got a notification

katyamizotta:
Onegai could u please resend it Pm. I didn't see it though I got a notification

When you get notification of a pm its when you have logged in to nairaland.
What you then need to do is check the the email address you used to register your NL name. There you will see a mail with the subject Onegai wants to send you ....

Open the email ( note it will be empty)and reply to it just like that. The minute you do and Onegai sees it then she can then see your actual email address for both of you to talk to each other.

Jahblessme:
Just a quick word before the endurance crew arrive.
Your lack of se xual satisfaction must be adding to your unhappiness,however i have good news for you..peentrative s ex will most likely not give you an or gasm and since he doesn't give oral you are doomed either ways so stalemate.
Go out there and buy yourself a very powerful vibr ator..this is 2016,take charge of your se xual life.A vibr ator will give you an or gasm so strong that you may even lose consciousness . Nicer if you can use with a partner but in the mean time use alone before your brain melts.

You can also stop giving him the oral since he doesn't reciprocate,it's a no brainer.Your choice though.

Discuss your concerns seriously with him and if he still won't budge,you'd best find 2 househelps before you grow old and start looking like his granny.

Car and vacation are useless if you are too wound up to enjoy them.A close relationship where both partners pitch in and feel loved and supported is far sweeter than jetting to the maldives with konji ontop.

Good luck ma & NO you are not asking for too much.

GBAM!!!!My thoughts exactly

katyamizotta:
I will be celebrating my fourth year wedding anniversary in Febuary. I will be entertaining and giving testimoniees when in actual fact im highly dissatisfied and unhappy.
Sex; almost three years im still waiting to have an orgasm. I began pretending to have one because i couldnt bear the pain (married as a virgin, months after losing it, i was still experiencing pain). Ive being giving oral since we got married. Recently i discovered women can also enjoy it. I told him about it and suddenly he remembers all the diseases that can be passed orally.
Chores: i feel like a senior househelp. DH (dear husband) will complain abt untidy state of the house but will not help out (i work in a bank, 7am - 8pm) get home at 9pm. I'll come home from work, do homework for my daughter, serve husband meal (he wont eat except he is served) do outstanding chores. Sleep at 12am - 4.40am
Kids; I feed, bathe, clothe, train. He has never bathed our 2yr old ever, even when i was ill. I had to take the child to work severally as he cant babysit for long. He works from home but goes out thrice a week for project supervision
Criticism; its killing me. Im crticised abt everything. My looks (im pretty im told, my dad is Lebanese\Austrian, mum is igbo) but i dont makeup. Im criticised for that, for not being a good cook (im learning) for not keeping a tidy home (with my job?) For not entertaining his friends with food and drinks (im exhausted), for not liking his particular place of worship (i dont mind another branch, the present head makes the talks boring, for not being a fashionista.
I dont feel loved. I feel like a trophy wife.
The good side is he is generous. I get a car, change of wardobe, a vacation each year. These dont move me. I want to be heard. Ive tried to talk to him severally but he makes me seem ungrateful. Ive talked to his sisters and our head in the place of worship and when he was invited he denied it, didnt talk to me for three days and made me apologise for disrespecting him.
I want to be heard. Am i asking for too much?

@montezz: Thanks for the mention. My moniker was spelt wrong though.

@OP:

Happy four years anniversary in advance.

I will say your husband is a traditional man and has traditional views about marriage.

He sees himself in charge of finance and will do everything within his means to provide hence the vacation, cars, clothes and generosity.

He sees you in charge of domestics and therefore expects you to keep a sparkling home with hot sweet dinner daily whether you work 6am to 6pm or not. I do not see such giving a wife oral we.x. Also being heard is really not a characteristic of a traditional wife.

Unfortunately, you sound like someone who was expecting a 'modern' husband.

The good thing is that he is open to you outsourcing some part of the chores & you working.... Use that to your utmost advantage.

First forget the idea of who a husband should be and work with the husband you have.

Get a live in help if possible as that will drastically reduce your workload. She/ he can start prepping the dinner and you take over when it is almost ready.

Re entertaining his friends: Stock the house with drinks so they are readily available. I know someone who would have the maid dish the drinks and food (necessary) while she prepares and when she is done, enter the kitchen and serve the guests.

Re sex: Having a better relationship with him would really improve your sex life. And he might never go down on you. If you want to continue going down on him fine; if you don't, want to, fine.

Re looks: Except God told you not to wear makeup, a little here and there wouldn't hurt. You can also tell him to buy your clothes to have an idea of what he likes.

You don't like his place of worship or you don't go to his place of worship? If it is not liking it, communicate your dislike to someone else.

It is well with you.

P.S.:
Read THE TOTAL WOMAN by Marilyn/Marabel Morgan.

Bukatyne, I have drinks, lots of em. DH wants plus peppersoup. Okay I'll ask my help to a make the peppersoup.

It's not about whether he should do oral or not. It's about exploring other means of achieving orgasm for me. I wouldn't be looking for other methods if I was getting my climax. So if he isn't open to helping out then I feel that is selfish.

I stopped the oral since the last time I posted. He has noticed that I stopped it, or if he did he hasn't complained. I don't know where that leaves me.....orgasmless at the moment.
I have also stopped faking....i feel free and less of a hypocrite, but I'm also detached. My body has stopped responding. There is a bit of pain again. I can't tell why....He is very concerned about that.

I want to have another child soon, but I'm scared of being a married 'single mom'. Raising one kid alone has been beautiful but tough. My daughters birthday is coming up soon. I have pleaded that we attend her birthday in school and he says a capital No. That is not his thing. He made arrangements for a big party in school and a tricycle to be delivered there but refuses to show up
Should I still have another baby?

I have the Total Woman.

I will try my best but the journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.

katyamizotta:
Bukatyne, I have drinks, lots of em. DH wants plus peppersoup. Okay I'll ask my help to a make the peppersoup.

It's not about whether he should do oral or not. It's about exploring other means of achieving orgasm for me. I wouldn't be looking for other methods if I was getting my climax. So if he isn't open to helping out then I feel that is selfish.

I stopped the oral since the last time I posted. He has noticed that I stopped it, or if he did he hasn't complained. I don't know where that leaves me.....orgasmless at the moment.
I have also stopped faking....i feel free and less of a hypocrite, but I'm also detached. My body has stopped responding. There is a bit of pain again. I can't tell why....He is very concerned about that.

I want to have another child soon, but I'm scared of being a married 'single mom'. Raising one kid alone has been beautiful but tough. My daughters birthday is coming up soon. I have pleaded that we attend her birthday in school and he says a capital No. That is not his thing. He made arrangements for a big party in school and a tricycle to be delivered there but refuses to show up
Should I still have another baby?

I have the Total Woman.

I will try my best but the journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.

I think you should hold off on having another kid till your relationship is better, as you've said its not easy been a married single mother to one child talk less of 2. Concerning the pain during sex i suspect its because your husband is not spending enough time on pre-intimacy e.g oral which helps to get you moist . If its dry there will naturally be pain, you need to have an upfront conversation with him. Tell him exactly what you need and that right now you don't have orgasms so sex is not fulfilling enough for you. Explain that him not spending enough time on fore play is causing you pain and you need things to change. If after telling him all of that he still doesn't change then you will know you are dealing with a really selfish man and maybe consider going to see a relationship therapist either in Church or a professional. He needs to also understand that being a father is beyond providing money but actually been their for your child so she can have good memories of him at milestones in her life.

donbenedict:
those ladies who wana marry a rich man, nw here is your story.....


let me speak sense into u ladies who r single, dont get married to just any husband buh get married to a human being... a human being has feelings and a conscience.

Thank you sir. . Human being, where art thou ooo?

jashar:


Thank you sir. . Human being, where art thou ooo?

lol... human being right in front of ya

Cutehector:
lol... human being right in front of ya

That's where they will see you. You and your wife hunting wey never end.

jashar:


That's where they will see you. You and your wife hunting wey never end.

he who findeth a wife.......

Am sure you knw d following phrase

babajeje123:
@op, you are one in a million! You are a rare and special breed of a woman. I pray that God will give you joy in your home. The first question I will ask is if your husband loves you. If he does, then with some patience and heart-to-heart discussions, he will do your biddings, otherwise, you've got a lot of work to do.

It is funny to see that we share so many things in common. I am married and you see, I was once what your husband is to my wife. The only differences are I don't like MouthAction and make-up. You and my wife are the same in terms of cooking and house chores. I can't remember what she could cook well. My marriage will also be 4 in December. We had a baby girl that we lost as a result of our irreconcilable differences. But you know what, everything has changed now!!!

You have a lot of work to do on your knees. Prayers work like magic. You need to pray for a change of heart for him and you must be very patience and sacrificial. Don't do anything silly and don't act in a haste. Don't forget that a wise woman builds her home and some of the building materials are prayers, patience and unconditional love.

Also, I will advice you to stop reporting him to his people. I hated that when my wife was doing it and every man hates such. If you want to bring anyone in, prayerfully do so. It may not necessarily be your pastor because some of them are also having marital issues or are not sufficiently knowledgeable about how to resolve marital crises (I am not castigating pastors o). So, you may need to look for someone that he fears and will not want to disobey to report him to. You will have to let the third person know that you are bringing him/her in not to chastise your husband but to help you talk to him.

As per sex, you will need to tell him what you want. Don't assume he knows. You may need to buy him books like "The Act of Marriage" by Tim La hale if he is a reading type. Also, use make up if he wants it, at least till you get his heart back to you. Improve on your cooking skills, google is your friend. Try your best to please him and I am sure he will realise his errors and come back to you.

As you make every effort to bring joy into your home, the Most High will honour those efforts and sacrifices in Jesus' Name.

'Holy Sex' by Michael and Debbie Pearl is also a book she can get.

Cutehector:
he who findeth a wife.......

Am sure you knw d following phrase

Make I borrow you halogen lamp to 'find' well?

jashar:


Make I borrow you halogen lamp to 'find' well?

babe ah gat d eyes of a sniper.. dnt worry, ma bullet soon gona hit ya.

Cutehector:
babe ah gat d eyes of a sniper.. dnt worry, ma bullet soon gona hit ya.

Bullet fire Tooooorrrrrrrrr, biko, make we no derail this crucial thread. . Byyyyeeee

jashar:


Bullet fire Tooooorrrrrrrrr, biko, make we no derail this crucial thread. . Byyyyeeee

afta nw dem go say husband dey scarce.. infact, let the husbands be scarce in Jesus name, Amen!

Cutehector:
afta nw dem go say husband dey scarce.. infact, let the husbands be scarce in Jesus name, Amen!

You've provoke. It is well oooo

jashar:


You've provoke. It is well oooo

why I nor go provoke.. see dat husband, u go find am tire.