From your personal or third party experiences, we'd like to hear your opinion whether it is disastrous to engage or get married with someone you're not so or completely in love with. If your opinion is YES, what are those things that guide your decision?

If you've been involved or knows someone, please, what are the problems or benefits you've seen it resulted to?

Is it really possible to Marry First, and Love Later? If you don't love now, can you love later? Can marriage make you love a person you never really loved while courting/dating? Love in this context is that butterfly feeling, that spark.

However if that butterfly feeling & spark do not signify love, do we have another type of "marriageable-love"? What's this about?

We've heard ladies say "I'm waiting for a man to fix a ring on it", "waiting for that man to take me to the altar." Which altar exactly? Altar of love or altar of matrimony? Can love really dwell amidst this expectation?

V

nothing is sure in life, a lady might be in a hurry to marry first and may Neva find love later, while many love while on higher institutions, and they Neva get to marry. just follow God

missdebs:
nothing is sure in life, a lady might be in a hurry to marry first and may Neva find love later, while many love while on higher institutions, and they Neva get fuel to marry. just follow God

Ma, your response is insightful. Thanks for the input.

Olasco93:
"You don't marry who you love, but you must Love who you Marry."
Everyone has the ability to Love and express love, but they either Ignore or Express it.
Love is a deliberate decision, not a choice or option.

Insightful,

but I think a stark difference exists between: "to love or express love to someone", & "to be in love with someone."

I think your stance dwells on the former, for instance, expressing love to Ophans, Widows, etc.

To be in love with someone is not a decision, a choice or an option.

It's foolhardy risking it all on hoping to love later. To me the love is either there or not, then the compatibility. When there is no compatibility, love pales before challenges. There are people you just can't connect with no matter how much love they show you.

love later?!
- which kind of irresponsible person takes such a gamble with something as important as marriage?!
- what if love never appears and wifey is already pregnant?
- on what valuable basis would you want to marry someone (if not love)?

marriage. And its complexity,just. Ensure your opposite almost or nearly meets up all your qualities..then manage the rest and grow in love .To love b4 or marry b4!that na seriouslw thing to consider

byvan03:
It's foolhardy risking it all on hoping to love later. To me the love is either there or not, then the compatibility. When there is no compatibility, love pales before challenges. There are people you just can't connect with no matter how much love they show you.

Thanks for this,

It is important we understand that every relationship between two individuals start with infatuation, this pulls the couples attention to each other and gradually a chemistry is built with effort from both spouses which culminates to love over time. Love is deep and many a times one could not really say he is in love but [/b]time[b] is the true measure to know if one is truly in love. True love covers all offences, forgives genuinely and tolerates each others weakness. We have seen many who have claimed to be in love and whose marriages have not lasted up to 10 years, others whose marriages are based on recommendations, who barely know each other have also been seen to have lasted so long. It is important we appreciate the fact that marriage is hard work and those who go into it must have an attitude of continuous learning to develop the required love within its confines. Many a times we have spent years to study for a career but we have failed to study about marriage that we shall enter into for a life time.

MRBrownJ:
love later?!
- which kind of irresponsible person takes such a gamble with something as important as marriage?!
- what if love never appears and wifey is already pregnant?
- on what valuable basis would you want to marry someone (if not love)?

On many grounds:

- Arrange marriage.
- My pastor said he's/she's the right one (meanwhile I don't connect personally).
- Age factor (any responsible and available man/woman).
- Social Media pressure: even on Nairaland, male posters advise ladies to marry that kindhearted guy, without asking whether the said lady loves the guy or not. You hear words like: better marry that man before he passes you by

What happens in most cases is that one partner swims in love, while the other just finds it difficult to connect, though he/she pretends and act as though all is well (because of other factors like: good looks, money, godfearing, good sex).

These things happen all the time, and I wish to know the outcome of such marriage.

Project400:

On many grounds:
- Arrange marriage.
- My pastor said he's/she's the right one (meanwhile I don't connect personally).
- Age factor (any responsible and available man/woman).
- Social Media pressure: even on Nairaland, male posters advise ladies to marry that kindhearted guy, without asking whether the said lady loves the guy or not. You hear words like: better marry that man before he passes you by

yes many people marry out of DESPERATION and PRESSURE (religious/family/social/peer etc) but lets not fool ourselves thinking that love can ever be present in these marriages. if it happens to be present then that just out of plain "luck"
if you are desperate/pressured to go into marriage, then you are equally desperate/pressured to stay, whether love is present or not.

What happens in most cases is that one partner swims in love, while the other just finds it difficult to connect, though he/she pretends and act as though all is well (because of other factors like: good looks, money, godfearing, good sex).

these people dont respect the institution of marriage and what it entails to "marry" someone... its as crazy as letting a kid drive a car. the person who swims in love has all the rights to want marriage, while the other has no basis whatsoever to do so. sadly their desperate/pressured state of mind is what will push them into going for such marriage.

These things happen all the time, and I wish to know the outcome of such marriage.

isnt the outcome OBVIOUS?! you have A) people who stick to these loveless marriages at all cost, since the reason they went into marriage wasnt remotely based on love, B) they realise they made a big mistake and quickly accept defeat and DIVORCE (thus 1 of the reason why there are so many divorces lately) or C) they actually nurture love for one another, out of sheer luck (like playing the lottery)

MRBrownJ:


yes many people marry out of DESPERATION and PRESSURE (religious/family/social/peer etc) but lets not fool ourselves thinking that love can ever be present in these marriages. if it happens to be present then that just out of plain "luck"
if you are desperate/pressured to go into marriage, then you are equally desperate/pressured to stay, whether love is present or not.



these people dont respect the institution of marriage and what it entails to "marry" someone... its as crazy as letting a kid drive a car. the person who swims in love has all the rights to want marriage, while the other has no basis whatsoever to do so. sadly their desperate/pressured state of mind is what will push them into going for such marriage.



isnt the outcome OBVIOUS?! you have A) people who stick to these loveless marriages at all cost, since the reason they went into marriage wasnt remotely based on love, B) they realise they made a big mistake and quickly accept defeat and DIVORCE (thus 1 of the reason why there are so many divorces lately) or C) they actually nurture love for one another, out of sheer luck (like playing the lottery)

Awesome response Sir. So many lessons to learn here

U know one thing I dont really understand is people telling u to stick it out and that as long as u compatible and children are involved then the love will grow.I really dont know how that is gonna happen if it has not now
.i dont believ love can b forced .its either dere or not.

Love first oooo.. I can't risk love later because it won't work for me

I can't believe that this is even a question.

Why marry someone you can't stand?... You will live with her, sleep with her, and share the same space for the rest of your life?...why choose to be THAT miserable?

I can't believe people are crazy enough to make their choices this way...but to each his own.

love before marriage

Purpletee:
love before marriage

What if you don't fall in love with the man, and he loves you soooo much to the extent that you fear you may not find such love anywhere else? He has the qualities of a good man. Meanwhile, you don't hate him, you're not just into him like your first love and exes, and time (age) is not your side?

Great contributions, thank you all

Acidosis:


What if you don't fall in love with the man, and he loves you soooo much to the extent that you fear you may not find such love anywhere else? He has the qualities of a good man. Meanwhile, you don't hate him, you're not just into him like your first love and exes, and time (age) is not your side?

Different strokes for different folks

^ ^ True

many folks always talk about love like they really know what love is really. love is all about commitment, patience, being really good and very considerate and putting your partner first. These are the qualities that shows real love in a relationship, and this lasts for long, almost a lifetime, and not some woshy feeling in the belly. Partners with those listed qualities will have a love filled marriage over time, as long as those qualities do exist.

Acidosis:


What if you don't fall in love with the man, and he loves you soooo much to the extent that you fear you may not find such love anywhere else? He has the qualities of a good man. Meanwhile, you don't hate him, you're not just into him like your first love and exes, and time (age) is not your side?

Its better to let him go, if the lady does not love him. Cause with women, we tend to love before marriage but there are some exceptions when some women will marry men they don't love but believe maybe with time they will fall in love with the man, cos he showers love and attention.. but someone like me, if I don't love you, no matter how much love you shower, I can't marry the man, cause I know a time will come I will feel suffocated and I definitely will need my space.. and we all know what that space mean, separation first then divorce later.
So with my conscience why postpone the heartbreak because am getting older and because av never seen such love a man is showing me?
Its better not to marry the man, to avoid future heartbreak divorce on such kind man and been labelled as divorce or divorcee

At that time and moment the man will feel heartbroken but the pain won't be much compared to when both are married and have kids in between.
The kids will be heartbroken, the loving husband will be heartbroken, going crazy with different thoughts during divorce process while the lady will feel sad but she has to move on, cos she feels suffocated and wants to be free to love again and be in love again..
Sadly such is life sometimes..
If a lady says consistently on several occassions ..i don't love u pls be with some on else? I beg you guys, just leave her alone , lick your wounds and move on.. u will definitely love again with another lady.. don't push it... let it be mutual.. it will take time but mutual love will definitely come for those who can wait.

Amelian:



Its better to let him go, if the lady does not love him. Cause with women, we tend to love before marriage but there are some exceptions when some women will marry men they don't love but believe maybe with time they will fall in love with the man, cos he showers love and attention.. but someone like me, if I don't love you, no matter how much love you shower, I can't marry the man, cause I know a time will come I will feel suffocated and I definitely will need my space.. and we all know what that space mean, separation first then divorce later.
So with my conscience why postpone the heartbreak because am getting older and because av never seen such love a man is showing me?
Its better not to marry the man, to avoid future heartbreak divorce on such kind man and been labelled as divorce or divorcee

At that time and moment the man will feel heartbroken but the pain won't be much compared to when both are married and have kids in between.
The kids will be heartbroken, the loving husband will be heartbroken, going crazy with different thoughts during divorce process while the lady will feel sad but she has to move on, cos she feels suffocated and wants to be free to love again and be in love again..
Sadly such is life sometimes..
If a lady says consistently on several occassions ..i don't love u pls be with some on else? I beg you guys, just leave her alone , lick your wounds and move on.. u will definitely love again with another lady.. don't push it... let it be mutual.. it will take time but mutual love will definitely come for those who can wait.

You've raised very valid points. I personally cannot be in a relationship where I am not loved. Nothing kills a man than begging to be loved.

When a man 'in love' is not loved:
- he will beg his woman to call
- he will beg his woman to be loyal
- he'll practically beg for things other lovers get naturally.

The best decision, as you rightly opined, is to move on. I hope others will learn, but I've come to realize some women, because of age factor, strive to endure even when their heart and feelings do not signify love.

djon78:
many folks always talk about love like they really know what love is really. love is all about commitment, patience, being really good and very considerate and putting your partner first . These are the qualities that shows real love in a relationship, and this lasts for long, almost a lifetime, and not some woshy feeling in the belly. Partners with those listed qualities will have a love filled marriage over time, as long as those qualities do exist.

I don't completely agree with that sir.

A woman can extrinsically give you the above in expectation of a 'reward' (e.g. money, marriage). A man can extrinsically give you all that as well because of his expectation (money from a wealthy lady or sex).

Love is doing all you mentioned intrinsically because it makes you happy inwardly without expecting any form of tangible reward. That happiness is the spark that makes up LOVE.

When you're extrinsically loved, it will fade away when the reward or expectation is met/not met. A woman who extrinsically loved you because of engagement ring will frustrate her way out of the man's life with time.

Acidosis:


You've raised very valid points. I personally cannot be in a relationship where I am not loved. Nothing kills a man than begging to be loved.

When a man 'in love' is not loved:
- he will beg his woman to call
- he will beg his woman to be loyal
- he'll practically beg for things other lovers get naturally.

The best decision, as you rightly opined, is to move on. I hope others will learn, but I've come to realize some women, because of age factor, strive to endure even when their heart and feelings do not signify love.

Exactly ..!

if money is involved, you are free to marry and love later.

pinkiberry:
if money is involved, you are free to marry and love later.

We know una type