₦airaland Forum

ItsQuinn:
All what you said is still an option you know

blackmann:
You don't care if your "husband" cheats on you? What alternate universe do you live in? It's pretty obvious you're not married.

herbie27:
Yeah!, it's an option but when you're married you don't just see Divorce as a way out of your problems, you surmount them for love, and kids if you have any. Cheating on once spouse is a heartless thing to do.

blackmann:
In this case, i don't see divorce as an option. So he divorces the wife, does it change the fact that money's an issue? Does it make him have a better job? Does divorce bring food to the table? It is just a tough phase every young family goes through, and with dedication, hard work, and prayers, he'll make it through. Live and luxury are not ready made. They are things that need to be earned. Blessed is a man who struggles to bring food, clothing, and shelter to his wife and kids, even if he goes hungry and shirtless himself. I know of someone who drives UBER so he can supplement what he earns so his family can live comfortably. Op should just tough it out. When the cash starts to flow he'll appreciate his hard work more and he and his wife would look at these times and laugh.

herbie27:
Crazyquinn said it's just an opinion, lets leave her to it as i'm sure op is not thinking of cheating on the wife or divorcing her.

metalgear:
Yeah, an opinion that stinks to the high heavens - run at the slightest hint of struggle. And we all wonder why the rate of broken families these days is so high. Just as blackmann asked, will divorce solve the issue?

Mindfulness:
@bold

@red
My sincere sympathy.

kunleajaye:
Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

herbie27:
I know it won't, and her advice sucks thou... guess she gave what she had to offer.

blackmann:
Have you ever taken out some time to wonder if the said story wasn't what happened at that particular moment? Because OP posted it in 2013 doesn't mean it happened in 2013. i remember that story very well and i know OP was narrating it then "after the fact". I may be wrong but i surely don't doubt this story to be false.

blackmann:
Have you ever taken out some time to wonder if the said story wasn't what happened at that particular moment? Because OP posted it in 2013 doesn't mean it happened in 2013. i remember that story very well and i know OP was narrating it then "after the fact". I may be wrong but i surely don't doubt this story to be false.

misspicy:
From her underdeveloped brain,reading comments from that moniker makes me think we have a mad woman roaming the streets of Nairaland.

Some opinions are just not fit for public consumption itQuinn..

Kulas:
The cause of everything is nelther you nor your wife but poverty because things were not as it supposed to be and physchological both of you won't have a relaxed mind in a situation like this,not even enough money to take good care of herself and bring out her beauty and se.x will be d least thing to come to mind.If money is flowing and everything is ok,naturally the woman will be the one that feels Hot all d time and will be the one disturbing you to climb her on bed because she is happy n relaxed.Same applies to all women.So my brother,its all about money and having enough.Quote me,if things improve tomorrow and you are swimming in money or millionaire or billionaire,you will see your real wife-beauty,high sex demanding,good character,no more quarrel or exchange of words,love will set in etc..Let nobody deceive you,truly money brings happiness and love which inturn are products of peace.There is nothing like whether money or no money as far as there is love,that's a deceitful statement.Just take it easy ,things will be ok and may God see you through.

Kulas:
The cause of everything is nelther you nor your wife but poverty because things were not as it supposed to be and physchological both of you won't have a relaxed mind in a situation like this,not even enough money to take good care of herself and bring out her beauty and se.x will be d least thing to come to mind.If money is flowing and everything is ok,naturally the woman will be the one that feels Hot all d time and will be the one disturbing you to climb her on bed because she is happy n relaxed.Same applies to all women.So my brother,its all about money and having enough.Quote me,if things improve tomorrow and you are swimming in money or millionaire or billionaire,you will see your real wife-beauty,high sex demanding,good character,no more quarrel or exchange of words,love will set in etc..Let nobody deceive you,truly money brings happiness and love which inturn are products of peace.There is nothing like whether money or no money as far as there is love,that's a deceitful statement.Just take it easy ,things will be ok and may God see you through.

Ujoan:
Nah wah ooh, I really need to learn people's history before 'advising'

https://www.nairaland.com/1230609/should-take-back#14830107

Poster, this your post happened in 2013 abi? How then have you been married for 5 years

kunleajaye:
Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

5minsmadness:
Its the stress. Its telling on both of u.

Have u considered taking time off? Both of you going ona short vacation, maybe for like a week? A weekend may not be enough as you will both most likely spend it sleeping or catching up on other stuff? Anyone you can keep the kids with for that length of time?

Hang in there. You havent said anything extraordinary that other guys dont go through in marriage, wether home or abroad. It gets better if you can be patient and pull through this rough patch.

kunleajaye:
Next week will be the fifth year anniversary of the day my wife and I tied the knot. It hasn’t really been smooth sailing and many people feel marriage is all about a fairy tale, a handsome hunk sweeping the fair damsel off her feet and riding off into the sunset to live “happily ever after”. From my experience, marriage is anything but.

A year after our wedding, my wife lost her mother on that ill-fated Dana plane crash. She was barely into her first month of pregnancy and she almost lost the baby. God knows how much we all tried to hold things together for her and her younger ones as she automatically became the mother figure to her younger ones. A few months later, into her 8th month of pregnancy, we both left the shores of Nigeria to the US as I had accepted an admission for graduate studies.

Fast forward to today, we have three lovely kids, a girl (the first) and two twin boys. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to have lost some of the affection I had in the past for my wife. In clearer terms, I fear I don’t find my wife attractive anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, things aren’t as smooth as one would expect. We all know, especially those who live here in the States, that working as an International student is hard. You can hardly find companies that want to hire foreigners, especially in the IT field I’m in. I sometimes wonder how I would pay for rent, utilities, daycare, and even food at the beginning of each month. Rent alone takes away all my meager salary. My wife first of all started out by purchasing and sending baby clothes and other stuff home to Nigeria, but with the “receive today, pay tomorrow” attitude of people at home, coupled with the whole decline of the naira, the business has literally been ruined with so many bills to pay. Luckily she also started school on a tuition-only scholarship, so we have to take the kids to the day-care almost everyday, which is an additional strain to the meager pay I receive.

I don’t want to assume it is my feelings for her reducing, but these days I almost always catch myself staring at her in forlorn. I don’t see the beautiful girl I married during the first few years of my marriage. I want to assume it is the stress of all this, coupled with my school work, but these days any little thing she does annoys me. She doesn’t help matters either and sometimes we shout at each other or argue over the most trivial of things. For the past couple of months we’ve not slept in the same room. She prefers to sleep with our daughter while I sleep with the boys in the other room. Anytime I want us to be together, she’ll complain that the kids are too young to sleep alone. I accepted that argument when we first had the boys but they are almost three now. I sometimes have to carry them to their room so that she will “agree” to stay with me, and that is sometimes with great reluctance.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife. I just fear I don’t find her attractive anymore. The other night she told me our sex life has really dwindled and I out rightly told her it was her fault. She said she knows and she’ll try being better but till date I’ve not seen any improvement. She’ll complain of being tired or a headache anytime I want to initiate anything, only to plead with me the following morning. There was a day she just lay there like a log of wood, indirectly telling me to do what I want to do and be done with it. I got so angry that I didn’t know when I started yelling on her. She didn’t even respond and turned to face the wall. I left her alone in bed and slept on the couch that night.

I want to believe it’s the stress of work, school, and the many thoughts going through our minds that is causing all this, but I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I don’t love my wife anymore. I don't want a situation where all this will split our family apart and suffer the little ones.

Mimzyy:
They are trying so hard to make ends meet, i am not sure they can actually afford to stay off from their respective jobs for a week (i stand to be corrected). To cut cost, they can probably try to reignite the spark right there in the comfort of their home, one or two candles here and there and they have a perfect romantic dinner date . It is well. I am sure it's just a phase, they will pull through.

Mimzyy:
I went through the previous thread via the link you posted and something struck me. What if the Op never really forgave his wife and he only accepted her back due to pressures from all angles?

Now that they have children and they have responsibilities to take care of left, right and center, it's beginning to take it's toll on their marriage.
From his story, the little i was able to deduce is that they had a very beautiful relationship, events unfolded, they broke up, made up again and things were never the same again. They have probably been trying to patch things up all these while to no avail.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear OP (kunleajaye), here is my opinion. You are already in this, God has blessed you and your wife with three wonderful children. Do everything you can to reignite the spark in your marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Opting out might seem like a huge relief but believe me, it is only a temporary relief. Your wife has agreed that she has her fair share of the blame which is a good one. Yorubas will say that "The day a mad man realizes that he is unclothed is the day his sanity will be restored".

It is not easy taking care of just one child not to talk of three adorable children. You both are trying very hard to make ends meet and now is not the time to give up. Be realistic with yourself, pick a pen and a paper, pen a list of everything you think your wife is doing wrong. Have heart to heart discussion with her when the children are in bed. TALK WITH HER, NOT AT HER . Ask her if there is anything she feels that you are also doing wrong and ways that she feels you can make things better.

This is your marriage, your life, no other woman will ever shower the kind of love and affection that your wife is giving to your children so please erase the thoughts of divorce (if you have it already). Above all, PRAY and ask God to lead you aright. It is well

5minsmadness:
Its a very common problem in marriages actually. Rough times, reduced libido in the female, the male get frustrated and starts to wonder if he wouldn't have made more progress if he was on his own etc.

A lot of strain. The romantic dinner might not be so romantic with three kids running around and making noise up and down, maybe they can send them away for a night, like a sleepover.

Then i also read his other thread and am like 'hm'. Hope he married her from his heart/mind oh. Cos things might even get a little rougher before they get better and both partners will need a lot of resilience.

5minsmadness:
But @op if u persevere things will definitely improve. If u can't take a small holiday u can try the 15mins of stillness and calming of your mind that mindfulness advocates. It should help relax you and take the edge off your irritability. Maybe introduce it to your wife too to help her relax as well as she must be equally stressed having to take care of three kids.

5minsmadness:
Its the stress. Its telling on both of u.

Have u considered taking time off? Both of you going ona short vacation, maybe for like a week? A weekend may not be enough as you will both most likely spend it sleeping or catching up on other stuff? Anyone you can keep the kids with for that length of time?

Hang in there. You havent said anything extraordinary that other guys dont go through in marriage, wether home or abroad. It gets better if you can be patient and pull through this rough patch.

blackmann:
Ko ju bee naa lo(e no pass that). Running away from your problems instead of facing them and tackling them shows you you're not a man. Any good husband and father worth his salt and name will do anything to make ends meet for his family. Sleeping outside or divorce will only make the matter worse.

@itsQuinn, i doubt if you are married, but if you were, would you want your husband to cheat on you or divorce you just because things are quite rough? How would you feel if you were in the wife's shoes?

5minsmadness:
Its a very common problem in marriages actually. Rough times, reduced libido in the female, the male get frustrated and starts to wonder if he wouldn't have made more progress if he was on his own etc. A lot of strain. The romantic dinner might not be so romantic with three kids running around and making noise up and down, maybe they can send them away for a night, like a sleepover.

Then i also read his other thread and am like 'hm'. Hope he married her from his heart/mind oh. Cos things might even get a little rougher before they get better and both partners will need a lot of resilience.

But @op if u persevere things will definitely improve. If u can't take a small holiday u can try the 15mins of stillness and calming of your mind that mindfulness advocates. It should help relax you and take the edge off your irritability. Maybe introduce it to your wife too to help her relax as well as she must be equally stressed having to take care of three kids.