₦airaland Forum

EkoErrands:
SOLUTION:

Brother, Love neutralizes all conflicts with a woman's attitude. Trust me, I have slapped b4; and it doesn't change a thing. My advise to you is respond to your wife's attitude with excessive love. Throw away your ego.if she raise her voice ....kiss her! If she tells u shut up...kiss her, if she insults u...kiss her, just like that.

The problem of fighting with family is that when you kill one person ...the dead is family. And we Dont want that do we. Ego na baskard. Just dey kiss all her bad attitude dey go! If she be human being she will only reciprocate by allowing u kiss her each time.

If e no work...just know say u married a slay queen from hell with no emotions

chinnasa:
sir, i will remember your home in my prayer. its really difficult to stand a nagging wife. When she starts kindle ignore but dont sink your marriage. the only solution is God. talk to HIM.

Caustics:
when you see men dating a woman for 8 years dont blame them. i wonder how you were bilnd not to notice these things before you guys got married. My advice it that you tell her to

Skmoda:
this is the dumbest post ever...na ukwu be your problem.

Bluestreams:
I really do not know...I'm out of energy to keep pushing it.

Bluestreams:
1) A year and 3 months.

2) She's a very compassionate person and isn't materilistic and also biz oriented (She has always complained of not liking her job to me. So one day I took a calculator and divided her salary by the number of working days and she realised shes not making up to 5k a day. Her morale for the job dropped ever since as she believes she can make much more as profit it her proposed line of biz).

3) we agreed that we'll live on hers pending when I get a stable source of income to add to hers. Currently I have a car I even put of for drop and its still fetching some cash daily for the family. I still do my pest control biz although this comes every other week.

4) Domestic chores, Our attending my family church (I've tried to change and she still complained. Also asked her to start attending hers no way), And some other petty things. They are alsways petty.

5) She still have a job. She gets her pension alerts and other deductions monthly.

6) That I'll not contest. If she wants custody, no problem if not I'll be glad to take custody. I've been living up to my responsibilities concerning the child...hospital bills, baby food and other needful so it'll not make any difference.

7) No. We neither do that.

Bluestreams:
1) A year and 3 months.

2) She's a very compassionate person and isn't materilistic and also biz oriented (She has always complained of not liking her job to me. So one day I took a calculator and divided her salary by the number of working days and she realised shes not making up to 5k a day. Her morale for the job dropped ever since as she believes she can make much more as profit it her proposed line of biz).

3) we agreed that we'll live on hers pending when I get a stable source of income to add to hers. Currently I have a car I even put of for drop and its still fetching some cash daily for the family. I still do my pest control biz although this comes every other week.

4) Domestic chores, Our attending my family church (I've tried to change and she still complained. Also asked her to start attending hers no way), And some other petty things. They are alsways petty.

5) She still have a job. She gets her pension alerts and other deductions monthly.

6) That I'll not contest. If she wants custody, no problem if not I'll be glad to take custody. I've been living up to my responsibilities concerning the child...hospital bills, baby food and other needful so it'll not make any difference.

7) No. We neither do that.

Bluestreams:
Profile: 10yrs old Nlander, Postgrad, 32yrs old, 2 yrs old in marriage with a 1yr old son.

Pls kindly read patiently and advice me if I am wrong and also what to do if my spouse is the problem. Thanks.

I got married as the first child out of two and my family (mother) really supported me financially. At this time, I didnt have any salary job neither do I have any contracts running as I do pest control and landscaping services and other small legal hustles. I met my wife who is a civil servant and we fell inlove and I never hid my financial or employment status from her. Shortly before my wedding (I was also job hunting for a better job) I got an interview in a top oil and gas firm in the country by insider recommendation, and being the only one invited I felt I've gotten it. My fiancé started telling her sibs that I'm already a staff which I frowned at because I've not received any appointment letter. This she was doing in "faith" anyway. Subsequently, I was never called for that job again and by this time we were already married. Prior to this time, I got a slightly less than 50k job in a bank and after a few months my fiancé pressed me to resign athough that job was stressful and in another state where I neither had family nor friends.

We got married then the issues began.
I noticed my wife is the type of woman thats slow (I'll not use the word lazy). She cant keep up with my pace when we walk, she can't clean the house daily, she'll prefer I do the house chores while she watches tv and all. We were in honey moon so I didn't have a problem with that, and more over I enjoy such chores and I am a good cook. By this time her salary was dropping and we were living on it coupled with whatever income that comes from me from my business (my wife isn't stingy with her funds and neither am I).

Our problems started when she became pregnant just a months after wedding. She became super slow due to the preggy and I had to do like every every due to the initial sickness and all. Also, I noticed my wife doesn't know how to talk to people. She isnt rude or insolent but she can argue blindly and just keeps talking. She talks too much and doesn't know how to ignore things. She will say she likes speaking her mind, even though I adviced her that she will have lots of enemies by that lifestyle.

My parents live in the same town with me but hers are in the village. If things gets a bit rough I do visit the family shop and pick things on credit and pay later. This happens only when I'm low on budget.

After our honey moon, my wife refused to go back to work (her station is in another state) although she has been complaining that she doesn't like the job (her father helped secure it). Since she couldnt travel she kept calling the offixe and they were still paying her, only for some of her seniors whom she isn't in good terms with write against her and her salary stopped coming in. By this time I had to up my game and started husting harder. God another low paying job which didn't last and I continued with my biz. I lost the job because of lateness due to taking care of a pregnant wife and so on. In fact I lost 2 other jobs of same nature and wasn't bothered because they pay was very poor anyway.

When my wife put to birth, my mother (as hers is late) asked her to stay at our family house for a week,so she can look after her because I was still working at this time and my mother's business and other engagements is just around the house, my wife refused. Infact its not the refusal that touched me but the attitude she put up. Shortly after then I needed to relocate to a new aprtment and asked her to go over to the family house with the baby so I can move things which she did and the outcome of that visit was a heated quarrel with my mother. She accused her of telling my church members not to visit her after childbirth (my house is very far from the church) and even though it was a lie and I told her to shut up she kept on talking so many trash.

At home I cant talk to my wife and she keeps quiet. The will tell me to shut up to my face and one one occasion I landed her a small slap which left an eye bloodshot and this ended the shutup episode. Often times, if I talk she will raise her voice.

Four months after my wedding her father called me sounding angry and asking me why my wife is still with me, why she hadn't gone back to the state where she works, I overlooked. Some months back late last year, he repeated the same thing and even dropped the phone on me and just a week ago it happened again. My wife have refused to go back to work saying she will rather start a particular type of biz (which I'm trying to setup for her) but her family is talking behind my back all manner of absurd things.

My wife and I have been having our own bouts due to her attitude. I don't talk to neighbours again as she confided in one and laid bare exclusive family secrets and they had a quarrel and in front of my landlord, my neighbour spilled the beans and I felt so ashamed. My wife's salary has been stopped for over a year now and I have been solely the bread winner. I even got a car recently and uses it for transport to support other income.

My wife can nag about everything, she can wake me by 3am over petty things so I stopped sleeping in our bedroom and now sleeps in the guest room. If she's angry she'll not wash plates I eat with. This is someone I always wash her clothes and my with the machine since I married her. But she can hardly do same. If she cleans the house its favour and she'll keep murmuring. If we have an argument she'll start shouting, abusing my whole family and stuff.

This morning we had a quarrel and my wife told me I cant even take care of my family to provide for her, talking how she's leaving (she always tells me she'll leave and I've made it clear I'll gladly wait for that day).

I have been thinking about everything myself, since I married things have not really improved. Maybe I really made a wrong choice or rushed things (as I now believe), so I am planning on sending her away soon and them take me dad and kinsmen to her father (as is the culture in my place) for him to either caution his daughter or take her back because I might really injure her out of anger one day.

This is my last effort to save this marriage . I have only slapped her once in 2 yrs.
I feel I should seek matured advice from experienced people here as I know I might be right in my own eyes.
I really don't know what else to do.

PS: I'll answer any questions you might ask me. Forgive any typo. Thanks.

Bluestreams:
Mayweather or Paccio does theirs for money which is the best. Mine was just a spontaneous reflex which I regretted hugely.

LoveJesus87:
Lmao bros take am easy na e get Wetin I wan bring out there. Maybe that's what blinded his eyes to her horrible characters during their courtship u know, he was staring at the thing all day long and banging d hell of it at night so he no get time to notice anything na when he don con marry am wen e body don come down na den im eye con clear so I know d kind of investigation am doing.

Na CIA tins..

Prognose:
I read the whole thing.
You're not alone bro. The problems you're having is the same kind of problems married people have at this stage of their marriage. This is the setting limits stage. This is where you both draw the line on things you can tolerate and things you won't allow no matter what. This is the stage where you show the kind of man you are and your wife will likewise adapt as a woman. Your problem is nothing out of the ordinary that others in these phase of marriage have experienced.


You didn't see all these flaws in her initially because you were deeply in love with her then. You may have even noticed some of these things but pushed them aside. But now the euphoria of love have gone and both of you are seeing yourselves live and direct. It's not a new thing bros, trust me.

So she nags. Almost all women nag, some nag worse than others. It is kind of your job to be patient with her as the man. Pls try and control your temper, this is what will make you matured and will separate u from being a boy. When she shouts and talks ceaselessly find a way to leave the environment or ignore her, depending on the type u can do. Over time she will learn to control herself.
Her controlling herself and reducing her nagging and your not getting enraged to be slapping her shows that you are both coming of age in the marriage and are understanding each other and becoming mature.


Do you want her to go back to her job? Remember she is pregnant (for the first time) and in a delicate and scared state. She is quite vulnerable right now with the changes going on in her body. Your job at this time is to be as supportive as you can. I don't mean you should become her slave but try and give her more rope when she misbehaves. It gets worse at three to six months of age and then she should start returning back to normal.

Set a boundary for her father. The fact that he has cut the phone on you once is enough to piss you off. He's not married to her, you are. If he calls again tell him politely that this is your family and you have your own plans for your wife. If you don't have the mind to do this then u can just ignore him instead. This is your wife now, he should stop butting in.

Find a job for her to do, no matter how little. Also don't give up on yourself. Every married couple went through this stage, it is those that come out of it that last. If you break up now, what's to say in your next marriage u won't break up again at the first sign of difficulty. Your a postgraduate man, you should be more mature and patient bro.

Find an older married couple you can talk to for advice. Not online o. A respectable married couple or couples preferably from the generation before ours let them tell you what they've been through themselves. Marriage is hard work and the more work you put into it the sweeter it becomes.

Cheers bro.

CrescentMoon:
You won't agree but you have to understand that money is not the problem in this relationship. He married a devil. She stopped working and he could still afford an apartment that has a guest room. Maybe you are a breed of that woman or you have never lived among the poor. Whatever, you can't see the world the way I see it. I'm 36 and I'm very sure of what I'm saying. I was in the University with neither a parent or a job. For you to still remember me in this thread, you obviously felt concerned for my predicaments. Will you be my friend as I apologize for my earlier condescending response to you?

Skmoda:
Now i got your point bro...

YelloweWest:
Pls are u single?? My sis is single pls

Good husband are extremely hard to find

baby124:
You will end up in prison if you think like this. For a very long time too. You have no right to take anybody's life. Whether married to you or not. Marriage does not mean ownership. The day you choke another person's daughter and try to kill her, make sure you dig a grave for yourself too. Little child.

Evaberry:
you are a MAn who is wicked and selfish

just because she refused to become your slave you tag her lazy.. you don't deserve her.
you even slapped her yet she didn't leave you.



you complain too much!!!!

your marriage palava is not our business or wahala.
.
we didn't fuvk her with you!!!!

Bluestreams:
I never said she is "Lazy". I said "Slow". They are two different words.

MadCow1:
Thanks for the response. So my post to you now will be measured because I haven't heard from your wife.

Now you used the word "compassionate" as the opener to some of the things that attracted your wife to you. This says to me she is a reasonable person of sorts.

Here is my advice;

You both need to find a nice relaxing place where you both can sit and discuss. Talk about what your two years of marriage has been like and also discuss a way forward. I realise that some of these discussions are easier said than done so I implore you to write down everything. The things you love about your marriage and the things you would like to change (don't say hate). You said she talks over you so you need to have alot of patience. Allow her talk and wait until she is finished. And it's important you both approach this discussion with an open mind and heart more with the intention of listening to each other than speaking. A pen and paper is key. When she is speaking, write down the points she is making and what you don't understand, seek clarification. Communication is the key in every relationship.

Money! Money!! Money!!! Without money in a relationship, the troubles always escalates. It's easy to lose sight of plans and the future and get consumed by those issues. Attitudes change because of this and many times its subconscious. I have seen this before and it's never pleasant. I would never advise a Man to get married let alone have a kid without a steady means of income.You both need to sit together and discuss finance and planning with a roadmap towards financial independence. You both seem to have ideas for businesses you want to run. In that discussion, find which one of both of your businesses is most likely to succeed faster and is cheaper to start and channel all your resources into it. If the finances are not readily available, then you need to convince her to go back to work with a time line for when she would be able to leave the job and enter into a business. I understand what it feels like to work a job you don't like and it's very mentally draining and demoralising. So you must be gentle, reassuring but firm in trying to get her back to work.

On the issue of Church, I consider it to be a non- issue as such. Both of you find a new church that is neither hers nor yours and build your camp there. That is the best solution to this. I never advise couples to attend different churches cos these Pastors these days can be quite destructive.

On your parents.. I think a common mistake people make in marriage is that they fail to understand that being married cuts you from your biological family. I am not saying you shouldn't have a relationship with your folks but your primary allegiance is to your wife and kids first. So if you realise that your wife and your folks don't get along as such then it's your duty to shield and protect her from them and vice versa on her part regarding her family. You must learn to manage that relationship between her and your family. Don't send her over to your folks alone cos that's a recipe for disaster. So find a way to manage that. Don't discuss your wife or marital problems with your family and she shouldn't with hers either. You are both in this marriage together. Outside influence especially that of family is almost always biased and often times destructive. You must manage how much information on your marriage you share with either family. Also sternly put down your foot and tell your wife that she must never discuss your family with anybody. If she fails to adhere you can kick her out to go stay with her folks for a while or something like that. That shiit has got to stop.

Finally, I am never going to be an advocate for divorce especially when a kid is involved, but that notwithstanding, there is a limit to what anybody should endure in a relationship. I just feel like 3 years is too short to arrive at such a drastic approach. Communication is always the key. Try to talk to one another. Issues on chores are resolvable. You guys are financially tight otherwise I would have suggested a maid (not a child). Maybe take turns to do them. If you can cook as well as you say, do it and gently coax her back into the kitchen. Approach is key to every thing. Also sleeping in separate rooms is a NO NO. I have found that many conflicts in marriages are resolved on the matrimonial bed (not always with sex). Sometimes simply cuddling to sleep immediately after a fight can resolve a conflict without an apology.

All the best in your marriage Bro and hopefully this period will pass soon and fast and be forgetten in no time.

Stay Blessed.

_MadCow

EntMirror:
Now.. From the whole long epistle, it's evident that Op was never in any courtship with the said lady before taking her to the alter. That's the first mistake.

Second... You're weren't stable financially and yet, you decided to kick a ball you didn't know where it will land.

Third.. You're wife phlegmatic sanguine while you are melachonic.. These two personality traits are incompatible as long as marriage is concerned.

Fourth.. Your wife talks before she reason while you face each day without tomorrow in mind.. I have evidence for this purportion.

Fifth... The two of you were never in love. You barely know her ...

Sixth.. You're confused and sad.. Such state will never gear you into making the right decision.

Seventh.. You don't have money.. No matter how much a woman loves you. She won't be happy if you're a broke ass.. Check my signature for business ideas. Stop working for people when you can be your own boss..

Prognose:
I read the whole thing.
You're not alone bro. The problems you're having is the same kind of problems married people have at this stage of their marriage. This is the setting limits stage. This is where you both draw the line on things you can tolerate and things you won't allow no matter what. This is the stage where you show the kind of man you are and your wife will likewise adapt as a woman. Your problem is nothing out of the ordinary that others in these phase of marriage have experienced.


You didn't see all these flaws in her initially because you were deeply in love with her then. You may have even noticed some of these things but pushed them aside. But now the euphoria of love have gone and both of you are seeing yourselves live and direct. It's not a new thing bros, trust me.

So she nags. Almost all women nag, some nag worse than others. It is kind of your job to be patient with her as the man. Pls try and control your temper, this is what will make you matured and will separate u from being a boy. When she shouts and talks ceaselessly find a way to leave the environment or ignore her, depending on the type u can do. Over time she will learn to control herself.
Her controlling herself and reducing her nagging and your not getting enraged to be slapping her shows that you are both coming of age in the marriage and are understanding each other and becoming mature.


Do you want her to go back to her job? Remember she is pregnant (for the first time) and in a delicate and scared state. She is quite vulnerable right now with the changes going on in her body. Your job at this time is to be as supportive as you can. I don't mean you should become her slave but try and give her more rope when she misbehaves. It gets worse at three to six months of age and then she should start returning back to normal.

Set a boundary for her father. The fact that he has cut the phone on you once is enough to piss you off. He's not married to her, you are. If he calls again tell him politely that this is your family and you have your own plans for your wife. If you don't have the mind to do this then u can just ignore him instead. This is your wife now, he should stop butting in.

Find a job for her to do, no matter how little. Also don't give up on yourself. Every married couple went through this stage, it is those that come out of it that last. If you break up now, what's to say in your next marriage u won't break up again at the first sign of difficulty. Your a postgraduate man, you should be more mature and patient bro.

Find an older married couple you can talk to for advice. Not online o. A respectable married couple or couples preferably from the generation before ours let them tell you what they've been through themselves. Marriage is hard work and the more work you put into it the sweeter it becomes.

Cheers bro.

HERSLEY:
please will u marry or date me?

Evaberry:
you are a MAn who is wicked and selfish

just because she refused to become your slave you tag her lazy.. you don't deserve her.
you even slapped her yet she didn't leave you.



you complain too much!!!!

your marriage palava is not our business or wahala.
.
we didn't fuvk her with you!!!!

iretex1:
sorry dear, he's married!

HERSLEY:
Wow...... His wife is lucky...

kaboninc:
You want him to marry you so you can slay his life for him abi?