₦airaland Forum

i owe u 2 bottles bro

selflessmaya:
when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.

when you're ready to make the move, try pulling it out of her, on top of your new sweetness, be extra extra sweet to her for the whole week like her sh!t dont stink, on a friday(so if she spills, you'll both have the weekend to grieve), make sure she's in a nice awww darling mood and when you're holding her, just brush by a conversation u heard at the office that made u really sick "about a dude that assaulted some teenage girl and how mad it makes you that men like that are still walking around breathing and if they ever dared it with someone u care about, u'll deal with them and how no matter what she was wearing or where she was, no one has the right on another person's body without consent and the worst part is there are girls out there who have experienced this and told no one and the animal didnt get caught"
stay on the topic of sexual assault and follow body language, dont change the topic, be gentle, when she cracks, try to get her to talk, say what u have to "she can tell u anything, u wont judge, u love her from here to japan, if it affects her it affects you, u are both one and she can confide in u etc" when she talks, encourage her to keep talking, show that you're listening, console her all you can, cry with her even if u have to force the tears though i doubt you'll have to force them, make her see that whatever sunken place she's in, you've somehow gotten there too but dont cry more than her haba. tell her that both of u will go for counselling together, find a good therapist and go with her till she makes progress to go alone. make sure u find a therapist before u try to get her to talk about this and once she talks, the upcoming monday, begin therapy. and dont expect to work this out in 2 days, give yourself time like 4-6wks to build the emotional environment of trust and zero judgement to be able to access her when the time comes. note: she has to open up to you before you can go for therapy.

-u can expect her to go into depression for a while, she might need anti-depressants, sleeping pills too, she will be dealing with a lot of emotion once she finally lets someone in.
-NEVER EVER make a joke about her incident or say something mean to her about it... NEVER EVER!!! NEVER EVER!!! I MEAN IT OP.
-if u want to divorce her and not work through this, which is honestly the easy way out for you, then pls dont bring up anything i just told u here, dont taunt her over this, dont ask her about abuse or anything, just let the marriage end and pretend u didnt even read this. she will still live with herself so she has it heavy already.

i really do sympathize with you, u have found yourself in a very unfortunate position and no decision u make will be easy. sadly enough, i feel sorry for your wife too, she's really lived her hell and she's putting you through it. both of u dont deserve this. i also applaud you for all the grace you've shown, it's very hard to break the cycle of abuse, abused ppl mostly pass it on to others, maybe not in the form they received it but they leave their mark, so i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP

jerryunit48:
Choi ! You married the Devil’s daughter herself , Just walk away ,Even all you said she has done you dare not hit a woman in the country I reside . Life is sometimes unfair

Don't you think such rules are for the greater good?
If the OP resides in the same country as you, he would
have long quit the marriage instead of enduring it.

But because he has the option of "knocking sense" into her
through beating, he isn't willing to let go.

Restraining couples from violence is for their own good as
they can attempt to resolve their issues through communication
and if it doesn't work, they move on.

Even though the OP can administer thunderous slap to his wife,
what stops this aggressive woman from poisoning the OP in revenge?

Many Nigerian men do think they are in charge of their broken home because
they can "deal with" their wives whenever she "misbehaves" when walking
away would have made both of them happy.

still following

dingbang:
I just tire for that girl matter...

Ur sure she is a girl??
Plenty F monikers with male identities

Dear op,
I've gone through your story most keenly. I beg to differ with those who feel you have made a wrong choice. I feel and perceive that you have a huge assignment to be done in your wife's life. The only reason I can't say that God brought her your way is because I don't know the process of your coming together.

As someone had rightly said, I implore you to understand that your wife is suffering from some sought of psychological disorder and will need you greatly to walk through the healing process.

That woman needs your help than she need your judgement. Yes it will be hard work. But thats love for you. Love demand commitment and yes, don't mind all these divorce advocates. You can walk with her for her healing process.

Op I have experienced same thing as you but the difference was that we are not yet married despite all I did to make her happy it was all in vain but the day I left for good she realized what she have done to herself my advice is try to fix your marriage try to make a happy home but if is not possible take a walk before someone get hurt or regret their actions.

Jyah04:
To divorce her is never the option. Sit her down n talk to her with wisdom n pray over it fervently,after all your effort to make it work n it fail then call on the attention of both parents to work things out. Dont stop praying,it will surely work cause am talking out of experience.

Divorce is always an option

She needs a therapist,he should have ditched her the moment she made that silly assumption that he was bringing whores

:oJesus Christ of Methodist!!!!!

OP, your wife needs help. I'm very sure she doesnt know what makes her behave the way she does. Seek help as fast as you can. Get her pastor/family involved immediately and most importantly PRAY HARD BRO!

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

Two thunderous slaps


Sincerely speaking some ladies are devil's incarnate. Oyinda1599,bornnagainchild,rokiatu and adiemus on my mind

Newboss:
This is my biggest problem with religion! It turns men to robots and dummies without balls.

Keep praying o. Just be praying for that angel to appear and tell her "Woman, seest thou not that thou hurteth Mr. Jombosco? I pray thee to refrain to avoid going to hell"

Hahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Damn!!! crazy af

Try to understand her and Always please her. If you see there is no difference after few years of observation. it is better you Break away from the woman. This is to avoid any story that touches. She may try to attack you one day with any injurious weapon just as you have mentioned and in your own attempt to defend may cost her life which in turn may lead you to JAIL. Please think twice.

Men that go about looking for heavenly attributes from women....This is what you eventually see.

Op,are you chained to the woman/marriage? Some men sha.Stay in this your stupid marriage until you get killed or you commit murder.SMH

Better to stay in the land of the wilderness than to dwell with a contentious and angry woman. (prov 21:19). My brother God is your strength and muscle.

wrongchoice:
COURTSHIP DAYS AND MY HATRED FOR WOMEN BEATERS
During our courtship days I have always reiterated my stand on men that do beat their wife. I was of the opinion that they are not lesser than a beast.
She is very quiet, she hardly finishes her words, and she was full of smile that my grandma named her “smiling smiling girl”. My family members were thanking God for me because of her gentle nature. She doesn’t have friends, she goes to church regularly. I went for her because I have seen a lot of unhappy homes and by all means I wanted to avoid such situation. Before her, I had seen many girls that I love and they equally love me too. I leave them immediately I see a sign of anger in them. So, I told her that all I wanted in my life was happiness and I will make sure I keep the home together and going smoothly in as much that happens.
She has her trust issues which I thought they were necessary and not out of control (that was my greatest mistake), but aggressiveness and hatred ,I never had that thought a bit. She didn’t even look it.

MY FIRST SHOCKER
After the introduction, she was eager for the wedding despite the fact that I hardly got employed in a small firm barely a year. We fixed the date and arrangements were going.
3 days before the wedding , I told my wife to-be that one of my friends promised to bring event ;ushers for our wedding just to add glamour to the day, she didn’t allow me to finish when she started shouting on top of her voice and with this kind of never seen before aggressiveness. I never saw such red eyes before in 2 years of our courtship and over 6 years as friends. She said my friends and I were bringing oloshos to sleep with for bash eve which I never even plan to have. Her argument wasn’t a concern but I never see her reacted that way. I cried and I knew I was in for a big trouble.

THE REAL SHOW

Fast forward to after wedding. To my surprise, before any argument she would hit me, sometimes slap just less than 2 months in the marriage. I discovered she has the strength of 3 men. We are talking about a lady that never misses any church program as a youth and when we moved to our new area , she became more popular than myself in the church. This went on for a while coupled with terrible issues that I would be taken one after the other.

THE DAY OF LESSON
There was this afternoon that an argument ensue base on (what I will share latter) , she took out knife, I collected it from her, she brought out fork I collected it from her, she resulted to my belt and she started beating me with it ,I didn’t even struggle with her just like before. She took her shoe hitting it on my head ,I didn’t even move, I wasn’t even angry self. She bite me on my shoulder and thumb which nearly had that finger off if not for quick medical attention. At this point a question flashed through my mind, “would this be how my live would be going?”. This woman may even ask me to lay flat to receive some lashes if I didn’t make attempt to stop her. I concluded that I have to do something. Then without any iota of anger in me. I raised my hand up and gave her 2 thunderous slaps across her face. She opened her mouth for complete 5 minutes she couldn’t close it. I knew she would be thinking she has over stepped her boundary. She started shouting that I have killed her and all sorts. People that never had me speak in that street for good one year I stayed their plus close to a year she has spent with me were aghast. Since that day many things changed for the worse. Though she stopped hitting me after that, except sometimes when she would push me against the wall and i get some bruises.
I later travelled home and my siblings were asking me if my hands were tied to my back while a woman was inflicting all these injuries on my body. They saw both the fresh ones and the old bruises. It was a very big issue that families, church members had to intervene. I can tell you since that day things had never remain the same again. It was the beginning of trouble and unhappy home.

My question is this? If you were in my position what would you have done differently?


you can check the previous post here
https://www.nairaland.com/4126638/how-wife-been-terrorizing-me

Don't fight her again, cos what you did wasn't beating but fighting. Now, threaten her with divorce if she doesn't change then properly divorce her so that she will not stab you one day when you are sleeping or use hammer to hit your head when you are not looking, and all may result in your death before her eyes will clear. Another option is to take her to SCOAN for deliverance if you can't afford to divorce her. This is my one kobo advice

Endure, be patient. Patient is a gift from God. The bible says that those who marry will have tribulation of the flesh.take that as your own tribulation. When she is normal, u can ask her to tell u everything she don't like in u so that u can make changes. Listen carefully. Only u both can handle this issue not family members or churches.
Your family can be happy.click on www.Jw.org

This is one of the many reasons i don't believe in marriage. It's better for man to stay single andbe happy and get girls on pay as you go basis if you get the urge for sex and have kids by woman but don't marry them. By this, you'd remain happy for the rest of your life

Adaumunocha:
Marry your best friend

my best friend do constantly sleep with someone!

can't try that and I won't advise anyone to marry their best friend!

selflessmaya:
when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:
OP, I dont mean this in an insensitive way, your wife has some deep issues and must have suffered some intense psychological trauma to cause her to feel a lot of bitterness and act out in sadism when angry, the knife, the fork, hitting you with a shoe on your head and not stopping when you didnt even react!! this last one is a huge red light, something is really wrong with your wife, she loves to inflict pain and if her personality is as contrast as u say, that everyone thinks she's this sweet girl, then whatever is wrong with her runs really deep, it's not normal at all to keep hitting a person with a shoe on the head when they're not fighting back, she wants to hurt you, she wants u to feel pain.

I'm honestly convinced your wife has suffered sexual assault at an early age that led to a break in psyche, she's mastered suppressing her feelings, her nice girl act is not an 'act', she's actually that nice. but when she's angry, all the bitterness buried beneath the surface emerges and she finally deals with all the buried emotion in its magnitude, it overwhelms her and she wants to act out to hit something or punch a wall etc. when she's alone and unhappy, even when she lived with her parents, u really dont want to see/imagine what your wife does to and says to herself, this anger she shows you, she's lived with it for a long time, she's been her own victim till now when she made u her victim. there is nothing she has done to you that she hasn't done to herself times hundred.

if you choose to for better for worse it, find a psychiatrist or psychologist and go with your wife for counselling, your wife, with or without you will never change till she finally begins to work on whatever buried bitterness she's had to live with for years. try to get help together as a family or get a divorce if u would rather not go through it. it's really that simple, your wife will live with whatever has happened for the rest of her life but how she manages the accompanying emotions, her anger and abandonment issues can all be taken care of with a good psychologist and emotional support on your part. educate yourself on the topic of sexual assault and learn the necessary sensitivity training and triggers. counselling will teach you all this.

no, i'm not thinking too far, your wife ticks a lot of boxes:
-extra charming cos of distorted/low self image and need to be accepted
-her over-religiousness is for closure that she needs and like u said her prayers are always for her god to attack ppl for her. even her relationship with god isnt healthy, it's a coping mechanism. the idea of a protector that will attack on her behalf.
-she talks from 12am to 4am alone when you're asleep, OP, your wife is full of a lot of buried emotion, she really wants to talk to someone about something.
-despite being a nice girl, before you married her, she had no friends
-she's very quiet, hardly finishes her words (withdrawn personality, mastered suppresion)

you should never have raised your hands to hit this woman, when she froze for 5 minutes, it's not that she was thinking she overstepped her boundaries, she was actually coming back to her senses, when your wife gets angry, she loses her mind and forgets who she's dealing with. even worse when the person who angered her is male, she reacts with more venom cos subconsciously he represents her aggressor and she wants to hurt him to make him feel pain. she probably has conversations with herself and imagines herself confronting her abuser and being able to hurt him back and make him regret his actions and cries alone cos it's only in her imagination that she can deal with him. when a man makes her defensive in her personal space, she attacks. till u actually hit her, u just represented something that she has bad blood with and now you've added yourself to the list of men that have ruined her.
she has stopped hitting u cos she has buried the incident of the slaps too but OP, the same place it's buried is the same place her demons she's battling are buried, she wont touch you but when her bitterness surfaces when she's alone, this time you're one of her enemies. the resentment is growing and when she sees u, she's filled with such bitterness she shoves u. if u do not intend to fix this marriage OP, walk away NOW. a lot of bitterness is brewing in this woman and if you add yourself to the list, we will read about u in the news the day this woman snaps. the same way u never saw her eyes so red the day she yelled, u will never believe she has it in her to go the extent she'll go, your wife will surprise you.

nigeria does not have a good support system for ppl who have had to deal with the trauma of sexual assault, society takes it lightly too but this is 2017, ppl should educate themselves on this, when we read here everyday '6 yr old girl raped in lagos by 43 yr old man', that girl is someone's future wife and she will NOT just be like everybody else, the scars of her trauma will show one way or another and she'll need extra sensitivity cos she's a "special" case. your wife is not a naturally aggressive person, that i can tell u and it's sad that another human being created this monster in her. OP, this is really not your battle, it's not you she wants to fight, you did not give her all the bitterness she's carrying, so let the slaps u gave her be the last, you wife is a very very bitter scorned woman whose hurt has taken years and years to germinate, the person who hurt her isnt dealing with it, u are. if u add to her bitterness and it gets too much, the person who created 99% of this mess will not be the scapegoat, again it will be u. i haven't dealt with sexual assault personally or with a family member but i have met closely with some of the victims and the effects of sexual assault are too underestimated. ppl should be killed for damaging another human like that.

if u do choose to save your marriage:
apologize profusely for hitting her and become super sweet, if u choose to undo this mess, u have to be ready, sensitive, patient, very educated about this issue and strong for the both of u. if u choose to walk this path, u will watch her fall apart and u have to be ready to help her reassemble.
don't let her hit you, hold her hands and keep holding it and talking to her till she calms down. your wife is actually a very sweet person, the person you knew her to be when u married her exists, just buried under layers of bitterness. i dont blame u at all for hitting her, there's nothing illogical in hitting someone who came at u with a knife, i can understand why u snapped but let it be the last time. your wife wants to talk to you, listen to her, she talks when you sleep, when you leave she follows you, it's annoying but it's her subconscious, she really wants to reach out. listen to your wife! make out time and let her rant, she will talk about so many things, no matter how messed up it sounds, keep listening. then talk back about whatever and if she interrupts and tries to talk, let her talk, just listen. u can stop the midnight talks by changing it to day time. stop sleeping in your sitting room, move back to your bed.

when you're ready to make the move, try pulling it out of her, on top of your new sweetness, be extra extra sweet to her for the whole week like her sh!t dont stink, on a friday(so if she spills, you'll both have the weekend to grieve), make sure she's in a nice awww darling mood and when you're holding her, just brush by a conversation u heard at the office that made u really sick "about a dude that assaulted some teenage girl and how mad it makes you that men like that are still walking around breathing and if they ever dared it with someone u care about, u'll deal with them and how no matter what she was wearing or where she was, no one has the right on another person's body without consent and the worst part is there are girls out there who have experienced this and told no one and the animal didnt get caught"
stay on the topic of sexual assault and follow body language, dont change the topic, be gentle, when she cracks, try to get her to talk, say what u have to "she can tell u anything, u wont judge, u love her from here to japan, if it affects her it affects you, u are both one and she can confide in u etc" when she talks, encourage her to keep talking, show that you're listening, console her all you can, cry with her even if u have to force the tears though i doubt you'll have to force them, make her see that whatever sunken place she's in, you've somehow gotten there too but dont cry more than her haba. tell her that both of u will go for counselling together, find a good therapist and go with her till she makes progress to go alone. make sure u find a therapist before u try to get her to talk about this and once she talks, the upcoming monday, begin therapy. and dont expect to work this out in 2 days, give yourself time like 4-6wks to build the emotional environment of trust and zero judgement to be able to access her when the time comes. note: she has to open up to you before you can go for therapy.

-u can expect her to go into depression for a while, she might need anti-depressants, sleeping pills too, she will be dealing with a lot of emotion once she finally lets someone in.
-NEVER EVER make a joke about her incident or say something mean to her about it... NEVER EVER!!! NEVER EVER!!! I MEAN IT OP.
-if u want to divorce her and not work through this, which is honestly the easy way out for you, then pls dont bring up anything i just told u here, dont taunt her over this, dont ask her about abuse or anything, just let the marriage end and pretend u didnt even read this. she will still live with herself so she has it heavy already.

i really do sympathize with you, u have found yourself in a very unfortunate position and no decision u make will be easy. sadly enough, i feel sorry for your wife too, she's really lived her hell and she's putting you through it. both of u dont deserve this. i also applaud you for all the grace you've shown, it's very hard to break the cycle of abuse, abused ppl mostly pass it on to others, maybe not in the form they received it but they leave their mark, so i can imagine how strong a person u were to endure all the emotional & physical abuse. and no, slapping her back was not abuse, u defended yourself full stop! dont feel sorry for yourself, just do what u have to do: stay & do the work to mend this if u can or leave if u cant.
u have to accept that your wife has issues that cause aggression when it flares. in time, u will also notice she's protective of children or animals or things she pictures as defenseless, it'll show in her mothering, not wanting your kid to go out, being too clingy to the child, convinced the big bad world is out to get her child, all that u will both work through in due time. once you can get your wife to show you the dark place she's in, it'll not be her safe place anymore, she can't hide there anymore, whatever comes to surface will be dealt with by both of you and u will finally live with the smiling smiling girl u married. good luck OP

all respect the fact that you took out time to write this in a bid to advice the OP. may the good lord bless you.

Prec1ous:
Do you realize they the guy has deactivated bus account because you caught his lie?

Petty guys evrywhere!

hahahahahahahahahaha, don't mind the guy, he's so cheap and daft at the same. I wonder why some people enjoy living fake life, maybe he's even the one that wrote the post and now wants to make himself feel proud and gain unnecessary likes... Good he deleted the account I would have probe and exposed him more.. Lolz.

Daboomb:
Kai!

B-U-S-T-E-D!

You are a bad-azz Buster!!

The guy just deactivate his handle strsight-away.

hahahahah, na so Bro, no chill for fake people.

Op, I must be frank wt you. Though you did not give us the full details of what brought about the sudden change. I beliv there must be a cause to it.
From the little u shared, i am convinced that u married a faithful woman. She has no other guy outside you. She may not even have ordinary friends. You are her husband, boyfriend and friend. Such ppl could be very possessive and u don't dare give them any cause to suspect that someone is threatening their marital or relationship security.

You probably keep a kind of fellow guys that gives your wife the impression that they may introduce you into silly lifestyle. You may have once in a while told her how bad/promiscuous one of your frriends is. This eroded the trust she has on them. This is what brought about her outburst when you told her that your friend is bringing in some girls to add flavour to your event.

Another mistake you made was following ur emotion by slapping her twice. You should have bn more reasonable and walk away from that scene. I bet you, the slap did not solve any of your problems, rather it made it worst. It never made you subdue her, rather it empowered her to be more disobedient to you. Responsible men don't beat their wives (forget those guys out there saying; if say na me ehhhh) put them in that situation, i bet you, they can't do nothing.

Continuing, you committed another marriage blunder by telling your siblings about your wife in the negative light. You may, as time goes on find peace wt your wife and reconcile wt her. To tell you the truth, your sibling especially the female ones will never forgive her no matter how beautiful you paint her image before them. Learn to exhaust every avenue for reconciliation within both of you before inviting the 3rd party. Don't even beliv that your Pastor has the right to kw about every issue u are going through in your family.

Finally, I will advise you to call your wife, sit her down and get the real picture of what is making her act that way. It may just be a little thing that may not take 5mins discussion to settle. I am neither condemning you nor your wife. You guys are just passing the normal phase in your marriage. That period that satan will like to destroy ur relationship to stop you from bearing those beautiful and strong kids that will be problem to him (satan). Never let him achieve this. Remember how u used to love this woman and let that love re-envelope u once again and you will see that ur wife may not be as bad as the devil want you to beliv.

God Bless Your Marriage.

Many people here are advising u to divorce but how does ur heavenly father who instituted marriage feels about divorce. Malachi 2:16 says He hates DIVORCE.
Read also Matthew 19:9 and Mark 10:11.

selflessmaya:
take the time to read my comment before u comment. i pointed out multiple times that OP is not at fault at this, i also pointed out multiple times that it would be easier to leave cos it'll be a hard process getting through this. i pointed out many times that his wife has issues. i even praised OP for taking the abuse for so long before reacting. i literally took sides with OP on this. i pointed out what the likely source and cause of his wife's problem is and made it clear it's not OP. the only solution i gave was if OP chooses to stay and help her work through her issues. i also told him to discard the advice and everything i said if he finally decides to divorce to make it easy for him. and wished him good luck with whatever choice he has to make. so, what are u saying?
it's OP's choice to decide what next to do, it's his life, it's his marriage, it's his family. so are u trying to decide for OP and tell him to leave his marriage? or are u trying to tell OP to stay and not take my solution that wont work? what then do u advice him to do since u have a better solution?


if u didnt read my comment then why mention me if u dont even know what i wrote?? my initial comment itself showed me dragging her and calling her poison. so if i made an edit that obviously contradicts my initial stance, u either just accept the part where i blatantly called her an abuser or read the edit before telling me anything.


as i type this over 163 ppl have read and liked the comment so speak for yourself? i have enough info to make my conclusions. what better conclusion did u come to? mtchew


READING is important.


the OP needs the story, i left the story for him not for u. did i not make it clear over and over that OP is being emotionally and physically abused by his wife? u obviously have no useful advice to give anyone so lemme not get another mention from you.


babe, OP's wife is unable to maintain healthy romantic relationships, she's destroying her marriage cos of her compounded issues. love is not magic, what healed those ppl is working though their issues with their partners, none of them in stable relationships are still living with their secret which is why my whole advice to OP if he wants to make the marriage work is to build their relationship to the point where she can finally speak up and they can get to putting the past behind and carrying on with life. <3 lots of love.

@selflessmaya. Let me give you a candid but great advice. From now please do not try to defend your comprehensive write-up. ONLY GREAT MINDS would admire the depth of your understanding and profound thoughtfulness exemplified in your well articulated, candid advice which I know would have given many, I mean, many here on NL an indepth insight into this grotesque phenomenon.

Each time it is falsely assumed that it is only men that pounce on their wives, and so men are seen as always responsible for domestic violence. But the truth is that many men suffer in silence. It takes great courage for a man to come out openly to tell this soured tale. When a woman gets to the level OP describes, it goes far, far beyond her. @Selflessmaya, thanks for your down-to-earth analysis, and thanks to all those who have read your write-up between the lines. Your detailed opinion was meant for those who can recognize and appreciate profound wisdom. Humans always want to TAKE THE EASY WAY out of challenges, but thanks that you endeavoured to convey in succinct terms that both the OP and the Wife are innocent in this drama before us. Like the Psalmist in the Bible, when we get overwhelmed, we can reach out to the Rock of all Ages, our Creator, God, who understands us all infinitely, for wisdom to cope successfully with the challenge. Although OPs challenge is a monumental one, DIVORCE is hardly the first choice of approach. Have children arrived on the stage? That would be another excruciating dimension to the unfolding drama - see how the innocent wife would get the children to join her against her perceived 'enemy' - her innocent husband! Be resolved to help her and help yourself - that is where you have to listen to what @Selflessmaya has written.

@Selflessmaya, please don't make the mistake of trying to defend yourself, YOU WERE CLEAR, INDEED VERY CLEAR ENOUGH for discerning minds to comprehend your narratives and indeed your firm grip of the situation. I say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
.

Psoul:
Op, I must be frank wt you. Though you did not give us the full details of what brought about the sudden change. I beliv there must be a cause to it.
From the little u shared, i am convinced that u married a faithful woman. She has no other guy outside you. She may not even have ordinary friends. You are her husband, boyfriend and friend. Such ppl could be very possessive and u don't dare give them any cause to suspect that someone is threatening their marital or relationship security.

You probably keep a kind of fellow guys that gives your wife the impression that they may introduce you into silly lifestyle. You may have once in a while told her how bad/promiscuous one of your frriends is. This eroded the trust she has on them. This is what brought about her outburst when you told her that your friend is bringing in some girls to add flavour to your event.

Another mistake you made was following ur emotion by slapping her twice. You should have bn more reasonable and walk away from that scene. I bet you, the slap did not solve any of your problems, rather it made it worst. It never made you subdue her, rather it empowered her to be more disobedient to you. Responsible men don't beat their wives (forget those guys out there saying; if say na me ehhhh) put them in that situation, i bet you, they can't do nothing.

Continuing, you committed another marriage blunder by telling your siblings about your wife in the negative light. You may, as time goes on find peace wt your wife and reconcile wt her. To tell you the truth, your sibling especially the female ones will never forgive her no matter how beautiful you paint her image before them. Learn to exhaust every avenue for reconciliation within both of you before inviting the 3rd party. Don't even beliv that your Pastor has the right to kw about every issue u are going through in your family.

Finally, I will advise you to call your wife, sit her down and get the real picture of what is making her act that way. It may just be a little thing that may not take 5mins discussion to settle. I am neither condemning you nor your wife. You guys are just passing the normal phase in your marriage. That period that satan will like to destroy ur relationship to stop you from bearing those beautiful and strong kids that will be problem to him (satan). Never let him achieve this. Remember how u used to love this woman and let that love re-envelope u once again and you will see that ur wife may not be as bad as the devil want you to beliv.

God Bless Your Marriage.

True talk of wisdom.

so cuz she smiles always
don't talk much and no friends
and don't miss church
she was a perfect wife material?
chai there's no one that doesn't get angry even if tz just small upset
u were been deceived for years and u fell for it
she acted exactly the way you wanted the woman in your mind to be and u thought uv gotten the best wife

selflessmaya:
[size=11pt]when ppl say never hit your wife, they mean never become the aggressor. what is happening to to you is domestic violence and your wife is abusing you emotionally and physically. you need to leave that woman fast. she's poison! don't try to change her, don't blame yourself for anything, just, cut her loose!

EDIT: so I just read the old article you included in the link, i change my mind. with more insight to this:

No post on nairaland has ever made sense like your post.

anishoff:
Do not beat her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sit her down and talk to her about the issue intensively and also go for series of counselling and finally pray about d issue fervently and i can assure u the problem will stop because there is nothing God cannot do.
I pray for God to give u the grace to hold and control urself completely.
It is well

if he follows this advise he'll die b4 2018 I'm not advising him to beat either...

Mr man i hope you have dug your grave,buy your casket,pay for mortuary and entertainment for your funeral? You are crazy to remain in this marriage.