₦airaland Forum

crismark:
i don find rich gals taya i no see...sometimes sef i go jst baff enter lekki still yet i no go see rich gals. na only dose ones weh dey squat 4 one room i dey see... and d issue na say me nd dem find d same tin come dat place.. dem dey find rich boys, me i dey find rich gals..

Persistence is the key bro

You are a very intelligent person, evident from the way you write, I'm not surprised you were able to manage the situation effectively. Thank you for sharing your experience.

To hold one's nerve in times of difficulty is a very hard thing to do and many who have gone through somehow falter or crumble like a deck of cards. But one thing is certain, If you're hardworking, you'd realise that its only for a while.

Awesome thread. The main lesson I learnt is, never bring your problem to NL. You're a wise man, if you had created a thread when the issue was on...I know some monikers that would have told you to divorce her or get a sidechick. Some will even call you insecure.

God bless your wisdom, Sir.

That said, I doubt I can marry a man from a rich background either. Most times, you'll be like a dummy and eternally looked upon as a gold digger . The rich are most times better marrying themselves.

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

Wish not to get into that situation. Not funny

My fiancee must see this

But either rich or poor, it takes a very understanding woman to walk with you through such circumstances. Women that are not from wealthy background are disrespectful to their men, so it's more about the character than the financial strength of the family.

A humble woman should be sought after irrespective, they make a man's life much easier. There are those who get nasty when money comes so, it's more about character.

Apination:
Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

I agree with you completely. That woman doesn't love and respect the husband completely. She's just doing that for the convenience or favorable situation. God forbid if things get bad more than it was before, she will definitely disrespect the husband and move out of that house. Her character isn't it at all and unfortunately, her parents aren't helping matters because it would have been better if they understand crises time in marriage and don't interfere in their daughter's home.

I had to login just to comment on this thread.

This is one of the best piece I have read in a very long while here.

Those searching for 4ich girls should better be warned . Don't expect any thing positive cos most a time parents of the rich girls do not allow their kids go below their level of wealth and, if you finally find yourself one rich baby you ends becoming a house help not a husband. Work hard and you will have options

This is obviously a real life story and a very enlightening one at that.

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

You used very strategic and important words (intervene, convenience etc) and I like them. However, sometimes it is not just a matter of character but also a function of family bond and sentiments. Some partners find it difficult balancing matrimonial and biological loyalty not because they want it so but because their family have a tradition of interfering in the homes of other family members and they themselves have been a part of such arrangements in the past and so find it hard not to play along and look like the one that betrayed the family values. This usually alienates the spouse as he or she would have no sense of privacy and always find their every step being scrutinized by in-laws all in the name of protecting the interest of their own. Funny enough this is a common trend today but mostly in homes where one or both partners are from well established backgrounds. If you find your self in this situation the only thing you will think of doing is leave, especially if you don't have experienced advisers that uphold the sanctity of matrimony.
This is where you need to be as gentle as a dove and as wise as a serpent. If you knew better you probably would have changed your mind about your choice of spouse but you are here already, if you seek seperation your kid(s) if you have any would have to live without one parent which is even more difficult. The solution is for you to train and develop your own person by sheding all your dead weights in terms of character, perception and responses. Read books develop your mind and after a while you will find that negative attitude and energy from your spouse, in-laws and everyone will run of your back like water on the back of the duck. At this point you will realise that you will be at peace with yourself and have become a better and a more matured person.

.

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

I am so happy for you. This is the fate of many men out there. They are practically reduced to almost nothing after matrimony and the painful thing is that don't see it coming until shit hits the fan. But I also know of women who have put their foot down as regards interference from their family and were betrayed by their husbands. Some of them are back to their father's house again. Life can be so complicated sometimes.

One of those very rare thread on Nairaland. I have learnt a lot from you and most of the comments so far makes it even more interesting. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

I laugh at U in swahili..If You think you need money to garner wifeys respect then you are on a long thing.. U are obviously misinformed,based your preposition on an entirely wrong premise hence your view point..
A little more bits of relationship here and there before marriage could have provided more insights...When a woman truly loves hubby money is so so inconsequential..You don marry you don marry but train your son to understand the dynamics of marriage..It is essential for the man( in African context) to be the provider for family, but a temporary lack shouldn't undermine wifeys respect..Like a commenter said Yours is a marriage of convenience..FULL STOP

AntiBrutus:
Awesome thread. The main lesson I learnt is, never bring your problem to NL. You're a wise man, if you had created a thread when the issue was on...I know some monikers that would have told you to divorce her or get a sidechick. Some will even call you insecure.

God bless your wisdom, Sir.

That said, I doubt I can marry a man from a rich background either. Most times, you'll be like a dummy and eternally looked upon as a gold digger . The rich are most times better marrying themselves.

Remember Davido the ninja turtle telling everyone on social media that his baby mama was not in his 'class' when his attempt to snatch their pikin failed?

@op very informative and very true. Money makes a lot of things easier. It is what it is.

oyb:
Remember Davido the ninja turtle telling everyone on social media that his baby mama was not in his 'class' when his attempt to snatch their pikin failed?

I didn't even know he said that. I got tired of their drama.

It actually happens to both gender, OP is lucky he could play the 'head of house' card. Women are not always that fortunate... especially when you spice up the scenario with an overbearing MIL

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

It is always about money.

Even crazy man know say money is important in a marriage. These ladies out there are only for the money and lavish lifestyle. They dump your ass for a yahoo guy when things aren't going smooth for u.

Good write-up. The op is quite a talented writer.

PurplePatch:
I read your write up full of admiration for your use of grammar whist mining the gems that lays therein. Expository, insightful and educative.

funny how Nigerians like to use useless grammar.......i swear come uk they will be like what are u on about mate......yeye grammar for shithole ppl

Trivia:
I never thought of it in that light. But I understand you. You are right

He's right in this regard. However, I would like to add that it's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't love you the way you think she does or should. Women do not love like men do, and I would be willing to bet good money on the fact that whatever tensions you faced from her parents when things looked bad largely, if not wholly, originated from her mother. Her father might have just gone along to keep the peace with his wife or may not have even known some of the moves his wife made.

If it's okay, I would like to send you a mail, totally relating to this topic, of course.

hmmmmmmm, learnt something

Make labake1 family no try dis with me o

As a general rule guys, once you have enough to take care of everything,your respect will remain intact. Its just a fact of life I guess. Your in- laws will just respect you. That strategic absence is key, cannot be over emphasised. 3 years of marriage in the bag so I don see small.

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

Nice reading your story.
Im rather worried about your life expectancy in that marriage though...pray your in laws die before you do.

Oga writer! To be honest ur marriage no be am at all

digoster:
baba I don find rich gals for abuja taya ah no see. Na only olosho men dey still see..

Gold digger.