₦airaland Forum

I don't understand, there's a difference between an under furnished home and a dirty home? Are they cleaning themselves up after visiting your home because your sofa is not imported, or because it is dirty. I imagine that the responsibility of keeping your home neat lies with your wife and maybe her parents should be ashamed for not training her well.

Also, I've noticed that the snobbish rich are those who are not even that rich. The rich don't have the time to snob. If it we're me I'll start treating them in like manners.

to be honest..
if a serious storms affects your finance..
no offense buh your wife wont stand by you
shes gonna find refuge in her fathers house and you leave you

Belafonte:
He's right in this regard. However, I would like to add that it's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't love you the keys you think she does or should. Women do not love like men do, and I would be willing to out good money on the fact that whatever tensions you faced from her parents when things looked bad argelyy, if not wholly, originated from her mother. Her father might have just gone along to keep the peace with his wife or may not have even known some of the moves his wife made.

If it's okay, I would like to send you a mail, totally relating to this topic, of course.

Most men can relate to this and it is the silent reason for most seperation and most ladies see nothing wrong with it. They will openly pick their fam over you and expect you to pick them over your fam which some men can easily balance out. But then he starts getting cold cos he cannot tell his wife that he has been insulted and belittled by her fam and siblings. Hard knock life.

Trivia:
Its as the words came to mind, I wrote them. Sorry it was too wordy for you. I'm glad you picked a message from the mess.

The other side of this story is really women should not marry less than what they currently have

I would want my children to live a better life than I have and to be honest I did have a good life so yes I see a situation where my family can offer to pay.

Whether it right or wrong depends on who you ask... yes it might not be good for the man ego but ego verus the children benefitting from having the best . In some cases it finding that right balance and be aligned in some of the fundamentals in life . I still prefer both parties marrying from similar class

Well Written... Well Said

Dear Mr Trivia, thanks for sharing. Your wisdom is one many young men don't have and yet you were able to withstand all that happened and still shared your experience for young men like me who recently got married to learn and apply wisdom in our homes respectively. I pray that you may never lack and always provide for your family and more. Amen.

Mr Apination, your contribution was also massive to this discussion with you dishing out points after points and putting other factors to light. A typical example of someone not needing gray hairs to be a wise man. Much appreciated.

Thank you Nairaland for opportunities to read life revealing episodes like this. Nominated for Best thread for 2018

Twale!!!![color=#990000][/color]

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

All this posts go just dey fear person to marry

Marry broke girl=Problem
Marry rich girl with rich parents=Problem
Advice: Just marry an Orphan.

MahatmaGhandi:
Most men can relate to this and it is the silent reason for most seperation and most ladies see nothing wrong with it. They will openly pick their fam over you and expect you to pick them over your fam which some men can easily balance out. But then he starts getting cold cos he cannot tell his wife that he has been insulted and belittled by her fam and siblings. Hard knock life.

This reason is why I'm eager to share my relationship experience with as many men as I can. We, men, have been hoodwinked with romance and love as the basis for a good marriage when, in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

Women can be as calculating and manipulative as Eve and Jezebel combined and often are, yet we are admonished to enter into relationships with them in innocence. I have decided never to be so foolish as to have a Registry wedding or put a spouse as next-of-kin in any documents. What men don't understand is that we are super disposable, especially in this era of women's rights and feminism.

I won't treat any man's daughter unfairly or with meanness but I will definitely protect myself from any eventualities. Trivia is lucky his finances picked up, so many men haven't been so lucky and they have nothing but bitter tales to tell, and these are men who would have sworn with their lives that their wives were not like that.

When a woman starts mentioning love, my spider senses just start tingling. They seldom have any idea what the word means.

strategically reduce your presence is the word

crismark:
i don find rich gals taya i no see...sometimes sef i go jst baff enter lekki still yet i no go see rich gals. na only dose ones weh dey squat 4 one room i dey see... and d issue na say me nd dem find d same tin come dat place.. dem dey find rich boys, me i dey find rich gals..

I no fit laugh.

I don't read long threads but I got to read this to the end. Quite fascinating. I also learnt from yge story. My fiancé and I come from average families but you did mention your wife was average at a point.

With prayers and lessons from experiences like yours, marriages will get better

The end point is never marry a woman or man who doesn't, t have a mind of his own. I Don, t think it's right to allow both parents involved in your marital issues although most ladies do it, but you have to put a stop to it. And has for the gifts, always do what is within your limits bcoz the day you Don, t give or reduce what you give to them it becomes an insult.

Trivia:
I never thought of it in that light. But I understand you. You are right

I've seen people who marry from richer families have more lessons than blessings. Honestly I just think it's better to marry from the same financial class. Saves you a lot of heartaches.

Kobicove:
Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.

By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools

it is nt jst in nigeria bro,it is everywhere.must everything be nigeria?we are all human beings.

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

You sound quite mature, and your ability to communicate this (ur post)with such clarity coupled with your writing skills is quite impressive.

Jman06:
Bottom line is, marry from good homes. Homes of learned and morally sound parents. Not the kind of homes where the mother is living separately in one location while the father is living somewhere else. Also avoid the homes of "money-miss-roads" with zero education but bags of money. Those are usually the type of people who don't consider other people beyond how much they have in the bank.
The best thing in life is having both money and wisdom to make unbiased judgements about life generally.

I read your submission halfway & I registered my LIKE immediately, I read through & I must mention that you are wise.

@bolded,

That's an important factor to note.

NwanyiAwkaetiti:
Gold digger.

I m really guilty of this n I m working on my self. I hope to win his heart back.

I agree with the OP. You get double peace of mind once your wife and inlaws know you can afford double of what they can afford.
In other words the respect you get is directly promotional to how richer than them you are.
If her family depend only on Nepa for light she'd think twice before misbehaving in your Air conditioned living room and bedroom with a standby generator.

digoster:
baba I don find rich gals for abuja taya ah no see. Na only olosho men dey still see..

Time you are wasting in searching for rich gals don't you think you can put it to good use by searching for money directly?

crismark:
i don find rich gals taya i no see...sometimes sef i go jst baff enter lekki still yet i no go see rich gals. na only dose ones weh dey squat 4 one room i dey see... and d issue na say me nd dem find d same tin come dat place.. dem dey find rich boys, me i dey find rich gals..

lol Na dis PMB time oooo but keep looking God go send u one but pls bcarefull ooo dey maybe house help too, lol

Trivia:
Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him

man, i admire your writing skills. if i can comfortably write better than you do I'll be very much satisfied with my writing skills.

you will be my bench mark.

Apination:
Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

You made some valid points. But take it easy make u no go scatter person marriage by insisting on your point and sowing seeds of discord. I'm sure God will continue to give him and all of us d wisdom to manage our homes effectively.

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

In as much as I would like to jump on that money-trip with you, I must say that it's equally disturbing.

As interesting as the African culture is, it is also cancerous. It kills every other pleasant stuff...if you know what I mean.

Sad.

Trivia:
Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

the problem with you men is your ego will never let you be reasonable ! Do you make decisions according to what’s good for your ego or what’s good for your children / family ? If you are in a situation where your children can’t eat would you refuse your in laws help because you feel too big ? A lot of the meanings you read into situations must have been subjective - I know a couple where the guys father paid for a school his son could not afford because he wanted quality education for his grandkids - exactly the same thing your wife’s parents wanted to do ! I t wasn’t a big deal because it was the mans parents paying ! Why would you hinder your children’s future because of your ego ? A couple I know eventually divorced because the girl wanted to have their child or in America but the guy could not afford it - her parents decided to pay but the guy still insisted she should never t travel because he was not the one paying ! Why would you refuse your child the opportunities ty knowing how much easier being an American citizen would make his life You men feel your egos must be worshipped like how God is worshipped - just complete nonsense !

Nice one OP.
Real nice write up.
The bible itself said it that money answereth all things.


Money is key in a lot of things , not just in marriage.