₦airaland Forum

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

Kobicove:
Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.

By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools

Intrepid01:
Hmmm..Nigerians and their unfounded statistical figures...All woman don't think like this...I've met and I know women who do t reason like this at all....My Cousin's husband ....from his own mouth, told me how his FIL (who was notably rich) told him I have no expectation for you, told him he never started from the top too and my Cousin was a type of woman sent to him from heaven....he told me all this with his own mouth.

The fact that we now have more ladies who do not have believe marriage values anymore or have faulty perception about marriage doesn't make it a general case.....The problem we all seem to be addressing from different angles; be it politics, marriage, religion etc...is the fast evading "Family Value" that is built on morality, loyalty, God's submission rather than societal dictate.

HenryCavill:
Interesting post although it reeks of pride.
1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it.
2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it
3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.

Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.

Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering.
Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.

You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.

I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.

I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"

You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.

I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.

HenryCavill:
Interesting post although it reeks of pride.
1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it.
2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it
3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.

Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.

Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering.
Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.

You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.

I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.

I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"

You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.

I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

Belafonte:
Love is a fantasy that we have chosen to build our realities on. Of course, like all false foundations the building begins to crumble sooner or later.

We all know what family is. Parents can love their children, unconditionally, I'm not sure people can love their spouses the way they want to be loved.



Amount of money is relative, tbh. The most important thing for me would be to be with someone who has an innate sense of contentment and has simple tastes. You can make a million a month and still feel pressure to provide more if you're married to a materialistic woman.


Money consciousness is a female thing. Children born in poor homes still love their fathers. Men with literally no job and no money still get love from their children. If a family is too money-conscious, the first person I suspect for that shallowness is the woman of the house.

PS: There's a reason why marriage in the old days was what it was. Women didn't start being this way last year, it is an innately female thing to want to pursue the materialistic. I see marriage going back to what is was in the days of our grandfathers or getting phased out eventually. This current system is totally unsustainable.

Kobicove:
Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.

By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools

MahatmaGhandi:
I disagree, it has nothing to do with him being an egotistic dictator, did you read about the attitude during visits. His kids were not out of school all he wanted was live within his means and there is nothing wrong with that. A man is the head of his home and should be able to make key decisions on the direction of his family. A woman should not marry a man in whose leadership skills she does not believe.

Trivia:
I never thought of it in that light. But I understand you. You are right

Trivia:
Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him

Apination:
Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

HenryCavill:
Interesting post although it reeks of pride.
1. Your in-laws rarely visited you and you found a problem with it.
2. When things took a downward turn they became more involved you had a problem with it
3. I find it shocking that what stopped you from "slapping your wife to remove her make-up" was the fear of the state govt interfering.

Having put your business out there, I'm sure you don't mind if I make it my business also and contribute my 2 cents.

Had your relatively well to do in-laws not meddled when things took a downward turn with you I'm pretty sure someone would have called them wicked for not bothering.
Your story about them being relatively wealthier I believe was told from a place of spite and jealousy.

You didn't come from a broke background too, I mean how many people can afford to buy themselves a car talk more of give their child one after graduation.

I don't think you like your in-laws very much and frankly you don't love your wife either. You're bent on becoming more successful than them not solely for your own good but to rub it in their nose.

I don't know the relationship you have with them but I can bet it's a toxic one. Who gets angry at a father sending his daughter money married or not. This silly African mentality of men owning their wives is what's driving this narrative. What do you even mean by "luxury food item"

You cannot bar your wife from having a relationship with her family before you they were there and the day you will slap her (which I believe is not very far) they'll be there to take her away from you.

I sincerely hope you find the courage to tell yourself the truth, see beyond your pride and understand the kind of relationship you want to have with your in-laws.

Pataricatering:
the problem with you men is your ego will never let you be reasonable ! Do you make decisions according to what’s good for your ego or what’s good for your children / family ? If you are in a situation where your children can’t eat would you refuse your in laws help because you feel too big ? A lot of the meanings you read into situations must have been subjective - I know a couple where the guys father paid for a school his son could not afford because he wanted quality education for his grandkids - exactly the same thing your wife’s parents wanted to do ! I t wasn’t a big deal because it was the mans parents paying ! Why would you hinder your children’s future because of your ego ? A couple I know eventually divorced because the girl wanted to have their child or in America but the guy could not afford it - her parents decided to pay but the guy still insisted she should never t travel because he was not the one paying ! Why would you refuse your child the opportunities ty knowing how much easier being an American citizen would make his life You men feel your egos must be worshipped like how God is worshipped - just complete nonsense !

oyb:
it goes both ways. a wife will also not be comfortable if the husband is overly dependent on his parents

it is the same issues that would be coming up - the parents / family making decisions for the husband

just as in the case of her parents, the husband's parents will also feel they are doing what is best for their son, while causing friction

Trivia:
They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

Pataricatering:
the problem with you men is your ego will never let you be reasonable ! Do you make decisions according to what’s good for your ego or what’s good for your children / family ? If you are in a situation where your children can’t eat would you refuse your in laws help because you feel too big ? A lot of the meanings you read into situations must have been subjective - I know a couple where the guys father paid for a school his son could not afford because he wanted quality education for his grandkids - exactly the same thing your wife’s parents wanted to do ! I t wasn’t a big deal because it was the mans parents paying ! Why would you hinder your children’s future because of your ego ? A couple I know eventually divorced because the girl wanted to have their child or in America but the guy could not afford it - her parents decided to pay but the guy still insisted she should never t travel because he was not the one paying ! Why would you refuse your child the opportunities ty knowing how much easier being an American citizen would make his life You men feel your egos must be worshipped like how God is worshipped - just complete nonsense !

Troublemaker007:
Bro, your case is even good. Mine, I am not just the bread winner in my family but the bakery to my wife’s family, my only sister, her husband (jobless) and daughter plus anothe baby on the way, my aunt who single handily sponsored me to school and her family (3 kids and a jobless husband who got fired last two years from his lecturing job). Sometimes I feel like running away with my wife.

Kolababe:
Hello bro, let me tell you something. Don't accept what someone here said abt ur wife not loving you. She loves you. Instead think abt what another person said that, she ran to her parents cos she was used to luxury. The fact that she still stayed with u is enough proof that she actually loves you. See her occasional nagging and being married into such a family as a life long motivation to be a better man

Trivia:
Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him