₦airaland Forum

Dear Poster, A lot of advice has been given to you on this matter. You are lucky to have serious people responding to your enquiries. My take is that, first, there is no need to rush into a decision at this point and if the man you are talking about really cares about you ( and not just himself) he will be willing to wait not withstanding the sexual pressure. I am happy he is being upfront about that. You mentioned that he is going for his masters, this is even good. Let him go out there and test his preferences. You do not want him to marry you only to travel out and realise that your English and dressing is not hot enough. This will also give you the opportunity to grow a bit more , review you feelings and spend more time with you Mum and older sisters and learn some vital lessons about life, marriage and home keeping.

When I was single, I use to avoid girls that are in your age range because I came to understand that they are smart ( sometimes too much for their own good), restless, highly vain and were mostly dreamers (not in touch with reality). You are smart and sensible to be asking questions.

I have few tips (questions) that I believe can help you:

Is this guy your friend (imagine if you do not end up marrying him, is he someone you consider close enough to just spend time catching up with on the phone, and discussing about your current boyfriend/husband and other interesting/ or even embarrassing stuffs you have kept bottled up)?

Are you attracted to him (During those times that you have been with him physically, have you found yourself turned on or feel like you have to restrain yourself from getting a bit intimate with him ( like just kissing him or having him hold you) ?

Do you think there is anything about you that complements or completes this guy ( Will he be a mess ( not emotionally) without you in any aspect of his life if you guys end up not being together)

His is family comfortable with you and is your family comfortable with him.. are you both comfortable with each other's family?

Rating the nature of his care and concern for you, does he look out for you like your father will or your most caring brother will?

You do respect him, will you be willing to submit your life and future to his ideals and principles?

Will you like to have a son exactly like this man ( if this thought melts your heart, you may love him more than you have admitted)?

Do you both share the same christian values?

Do you trust this guy, can you trust him with your life, and trust him to make decisions for you?

How well do you guys communicate, do you feel like you cannot speak your mind or he does not freely express himself to you?

How have you been settling your disputes? Have you guys been managing to settle disputes without external intervention?

You are an introvert, so you may not be the easiest to deal with, how well has he been coping with your personality?

Do you guys pray together? Do you have testimonies of prayers answered when you both believe God for something?


If you have yes to most of these questions, you may have a good guy there. However, subject the relationship to a further test of waiting. Let him go for his masters and come back to marry you, that will give you ample time to process your feelings.

baby124:
Hahahaha. What a way to live your life. Life is a risk like you say, so why not risk it?

Will you advise your daughter to enter any stupid contract with her husband?

Something that loopholes can be found and explored and can easily become outdated by time or law.

You think it's weird, but I am a very, very happy individual with the way my life is playing out. On my own fúcking terms. I don't need to over rush anything. My view of my future is crystal clear and I'm loving what I see. If any woman wants to be my wife, she must follow my lead or leave. It's a great way to screen fakers.

I will advise her, her boyfriend does not have to marry her. It's not by force to marry a woman. I will advise her, she can try the next man if she her boyfriend's too steep. If she wants to go ahead and sign to cobtract, I will advise her to also put in conditions that guarantee her safety. Life is too valuable to put all your faith in another human being. Is it not on this Nair a land where people come to seek advice to solve the most ridiculous sounding marital conflicts. Do we not read threads on divorce and separation cases? I hail any man marrying today. No be small tin.

You better go and educate yourself on contract law in Nigeria.

I will always say it. If it is not a "HELL,YES!" it is a "HELL, NO!".

Marriage is supposed to be a long term commitment so you should be eager to embark on this journey with someone you love and who loves you too. If you are simply looking for some sort of security then it is enough for him to love you and treat you nice.

You may learn to love him in time but you may also grow increasingly intolerant of him because, no, love is not a decision. It is a feeling. It is deep, intense and it is strong. When you love a man, only looking at him gives you pleasure and even years into the marriage, he can easily take your breath away. You smile when you think of him and being together is fun and easy. You feel at home with him and at your best.

Isn't it what we ALL are looking for? This supreme feeling of love? We only settle for less because we give up on the belief that it is possible or for some reason feel unworthy of this kind of love. You have given up on this dream rather early.

Sweetheart, your tale is one of those that got me completely short of words.

On one hand, I think you should marry him and worry about falling in love with him later. Here, my hope is that since you two are fair and nice people, you would be kind to each other. Awesome sex and good ambiance may breed love. Kids and comfort may endear him to your heart. After all, many sensible people are sodding love and marrying reasonable people these day, reasonable people that turned out to be bae. Hmmmm.

On the other hand, I'm thinking life is too short to manage anyone with the thought of forever. Life starts at forty these days, you are almost two decades away girl. What will it be like before then? After then? Dang, there are several decades after forty to contend with too , if God pleases...whew, I'm lost jare. Do you want to manage your marriage? Do you want to live on tiptoes? Hmmm...it is well.

Biko...take time out with the dude. Spend plenty of time with him....I would have added fork him please but I won't, we are still brethren . The point is, live some with him to see if you could do this. I said no to a wonderful young man some 5 years ago, I'm still unmarried, I would still say no to him...no regret. Life is too shot to live on tiptoes This is all on you, your choice...your life. May God grant you wisdom.

delishpot:
Love can come out of respect. If he treats you right and has no character that may cause you sorrow in the future (Many turbulent marriages show signs before the parties tie the knot but those signs are ussualy ignored because of love) then yes go ahead and marry. If you feel like you will NEVER warm up to him let him know so that he may start looking for someone who would treat him right.

Thanks a lot.

tintingz:
If you don't love him(is it that you don't find him attractive or what), my advice, don't go into marriage with him.

Because thinking you might later develope love for him is not certain, I think you guys need to spend more time together, like you said, your relationship is the distance type.

I'd say I find him as attractive (physically) as the next guy. I am not one for looks anyway, I was attracted to his brain from the first day. He's quite smart and has this crazy way of thinking that just wows me. But, that 'chemistry' people talk about is lacking.

I'd go for your advice about spending more time together, because I must admit we don't see quite often. Just about once in months. I hardly want to go out - I'm that weird. I'd work on that first, and see how things go from there. Thanks a lot for your input.

victorian:
My dear, marry him. As long as he is presentable and he loves you. He will treat u like egg and with time u will get to develop deep feelings that will keep the marriage together.
Cause if u ask me? What's love? You may think love is that butterflies kind of feelings, u feel at the pit of your tummy when u sight a guy. My sister that's not love but lust mixed with infatuation. And most times, such feelings don't end well.
Getting the perfect husband, does not exist nowadays. But getting a presentable and responsible man who loves and care for u, is the key to a lasting marriage, as long as you open your heart, accept him wholeheartedly and with time u will be happy u went ahead with the marriage. Also communication, goes a long way. Always communicate before and in marriage.
Guys these days are not ready to settle down, they will just use and dump, all in the name of I love you. Pls, don't miss this opportunity.

Thanks a lot for this. You don't know how much I appreciate all your input.

sleit:
I'd say I find him as attractive (physically) as the next guy. I am not one for looks anyway, I was attracted to his brain from the first day. He's quite smart and has this crazy way of thinking that just wows me. But, that 'chemistry' people talk about is lacking.

I'd go for your advice about spending more time together, because I must admit we don't see quite often. Just about once in months. I hardly want to go out - I'm that weird. I'd work on that first, and see how things go from there. Thanks a lot for your input.

You're welcome.

.

thorpido:
What is wrong with you?Since 200 level?
What do you really want to say'you are in love'?You want to feel that butterfly in your tummy?

He's the SU type and that may be the reason why you don't 'feel' him but it's the type of relationship you wanted too.Or was the no-sex relationship just his own idea?

You probably need to re-evaluate what your visions for a life-partner is.Don't be one of those 'too much Mills and Boon got you chasing dreams'.

It is VERY important to love who you marry.I've had some women tell me their skin crawls when their husbands 'get on them'.Don't put yourself in that position.
Take the next few weeks to think deeply about it and if you still don't think it will work,let him know.

No, it isn't because he is the 'SU' type I don't 'feel' him, I just don't have that 'clingy' feeling that comes with love. There are times I feel slightly annoyed when I'm neck-deep in work and he calls my phone. Then I feel sorry immediately after for feeling that way. ( I am like that with every other person - the slightly annoyed part I mean). Thanks for your Input.

P.S. Funny enough, I used to read a lot of Mills and Boon back in the days. But, I never did let it get to my head.

sleit:
No, it isn't because he is the 'SU' type I don't 'feel' him, I just don't have that 'clingy' feeling that comes with love. There are times I feel slightly annoyed when I'm neck-deep in work and he calls my phone. Then I feel sorry immediately after for feeling that way. ( I am like that with every other person - the slightly annoyed part I mean). Thanks for your Input.

P.S. Funny enough, I used to read a lot of Mills and Boon back in the days.

That is what I think your problem is@bolded.You are still waiting for the butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling like the Israelites are waiting for the Messiah.

Eketem:
Love is important in marriage but not as important as a man who respects and cares for you.


Maybe you need time to discover what you want hopefully he will still be around when you decide you want him.

I don't like anyone pressured into marriage sha.

Noted. Thank you!

thorpido:
That is what I think your problem is@bolded.You are still waiting for the butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling like the Israelites are waiting for the Messiah.

LOL. Nah, I'm not. I'm just scared down the line, I'd wake up one day and regret having an unfulfilling life.

LewsTherin:
Love is a choice. The love that comes from a conscious choice to love someone is the love that keeps a marriage after the initial thrill is gone. That's the love that keeps a marriage when the kids start coming in. That's the love that keeps a marriage when the children do not come. That's the love that keeps a marriage when there are financial constraints. That's the love that keeps a marriage when your partners vexes the hell out of you.

However, is the sexual pressure your guy is facing the reason he wants to get married to you? Because if he can't handle sexual pressures here in Nigeria and he wants to go for a masters in a country where nudity is a social given. How is he going to handle that with his sex partner (his wife) thousands of kilometres away?

Thanks for your Input. He also said he wants that feeling of being responsible for a family when he leaves. He mentioned the sexual pressure and said, when he's aware of his responsibility here in Nigeria, he wouldn't be distracted and would double his hustle towards bringing me over.

Treasuredlove:
I am sorry dear, just seeing this. I actually married my high school sweetheart and I must tell you, love is very important in marriage. It covers all lapses. Finance, spiritual, physical etc. Without love, you will not be able to tolerate each other and this will be really bad. I mean marriage is sleeping next to someone who might continually fart all through the night or loves to kiss you without brushing etc(just giving some simple examples) its not an easy ride. A neighbor once told me she married her husband because he loved her more than she loved him and she was tired of heartbreak. Turned out the guy didn't love her as much as he claimed to and she didn't love him atall. That marriage didn't last two years. Thankfully, you say you are a christian, then I will key into our mutual faith and tell you to seek His face because with His guidance, you can never go wrong.

'I can never go wrong with his guidance'. Thanks a lot. Thank you!

sleit:
LOL. Nah, I'm not. I'm just scared down the line, I'd wake up one day and regret having an unfulfilling life.

You really don't 'feel' him and I won't lie to you,it is better to have a partner you 'feel'.
One thing I think you should do is make out time to see each other more.
If after a few months,you still don't think he is the one you want,find a way to break the relationship before February that he plans to travel and you both can move on with your lives.

Wilfredpat22:
If you are not in love with him, tell him and cut it short but make sure the next man you are dating doesn’t destroy that hymen before marriage. Most ladies advising you have lost theirs before Christ was born
And hope you are independent
Hope you are not materialistic


This will draw better man to you

Thanks. I am self-dependent, I even stopped getting allowance from home once I got to my final year. I hardly ever collect things from him, unless he starts to vex.

LadySarah:
I didn't want to quote you but I want to give you advice based on my experience.

I didn't set out loving my husband,I never loved him but that guy's love for me bursts my brain.some yrs down the line mine has exceeded his own love.I dont know how it happened but its the reality now

See if you check well and his love is true,babe go for him.That guy will make you never regret choosing him.I even feel a man's love should be greater than that of his wife's because the way women are being treated today,my head can't fathom it.
Love isn't always enough in marriage,tick some other good traits .Countercheck and know if you can live with them.

No man will have all the traits you will list as a woman.I pray you make a wise decision and let God lead you aright.

Thank you ma. If we work out, I'd love to look back and tell a story like yours.

thorpido:
You really don't 'feel' him and I won't lie to you,it is better to have a partner you 'feel'.
One thing I think you should do is make out time to see each other more.
If after a few months,you still don't think he is the one you want,find a way to break the relationship before February that he plans to travel and you both can move on with your lives.

Alright, thanks.

zed7:
It's tricky. What exactly is love? If your man doesn't repulse you then you are good to go. All that 'shacking' butterfly in the stomach feeling is a scam. After a while it usually disappears and you ask yourself what you ever saw in that person. However if he irritates you please don't dare consider marriage.
Marriage is more of compatibility, care, kindness and tolerance. If there is a bit of physical attraction (even if it's not your 'dream spec') then you are good to go.
Now answer this question, do you feel a bit attracted to him? Can you show him off proudly? Do you get turned on sometimes when he gets close or you see him or you think of him? If YES, marry him. If NO, let him be.

Yes, I can show him off proudly. For, the rest of the questions, I'd say a bit. I'm not sure if that is healthy enough for marriage.

KanwuliaExtra:
You can’t sit on the fence in any relationship.

If you do not think he is the one for you. . . . Move on and find the someone you love.

If you can tolerate him without the “love factor”, let him go and do his masters.
You can stay “virgins” and wait 2 more years.
If he does not come back. . . . Move on.

As for the marriage?
No rush till you can live as MAN and wife.
You spend your courtship as “long distance virgins”, then you get married and live apart as “man and wife” across fantasy oceans

It does not make sense.

The fact that you are SUs, does not mean you should stop using YOUR BRAINS!

Duly noted. Thanks a lot.

ImaIma1:
That fairy tale kind of love can give you serious headaches. You will be loving and the guy will be showing you "pepper" in the name of love.

Your bf is a rare type...a man that can love you even without sex in the equation. Most guys these days will do anything to get in your panties...like fake stomach pains or tell you to prove you love them by having sex and start sulking or throwing tantrums till you succumb.

You have dated him and seen his great qualities. But if you don't think you are the one for him, please free him and don't string him along and waste his time so that he can find someone who will truly appreciate and love him.
I just hope you don't regret later when it is too late. Because when you fall into the wrong hands and experience serious heartbreak, you will start wondering why you let a good man go(assuming he is all you described).

But then, maybe it is good for you to experience the bad so that you can appreciate the good. So that when next you are lucky to come across another guy like your bf, you will grab him without hesitation.

They say that experience is the best teacher but someone once said that it doesn't have to be your own experience. You can learn from the experiences of others around you.

Hmmn. Thank you!

kkins25:
CAPSLOCKED always always hits the nail to the coffin. I salute.

Op, i dont mean to sound abusive or offensive but i must say this: honestly you are not serious.

1)You dont love him. Ok good and fine. So you have been messing with the guy's emotions and probably he must have contributed something to your school livelihood or should i say he was giving you money.

2) Let me guess you are waiting for that kind of love were the guy looks like an angel and the weather is always cool and the sky blue, with rainbow colours lighting up the sky? You've watch too much hollywood.

3) Do you think that when you marry someone you love, the marriage would go on smoothly? You think marriages operate on the hollywood type of love. Better turn off that tv playing walt Disney

4) women with this kind of thought usually end up in the hands of nairaland fuuuuckboys. No worry your puna go tell you. They will bleep sense back into you.

5) Try communicating with the guy, discuss much more about both of you. Learn to fall in love. Love isnt a one day thing, or so I've heard.

6) nonetheless, if you feel you cant settle with him then go ahead and tell him that you don't love him therefore cant marry him. Simple. Unless you have done no1. Good luck.
Don't just come back to narrate how one nairaland guy tear ur puna into two den throway u for 'puna-bin'.

7)ohh i almost forgot, why dont you LOVE him? What qualities disqualify him as your husband. I hope its not 6 pack. Lol

You are quite funny. I always thought the love just refused to pop-up. Someone said it might be because we hardly see physically, I'd remedy that and see how it goes. Thank you.

baldman:
Dear Poster, A lot of advice has been given to you on this matter. You are lucky to have serious people responding to your enquiries. My take is that, first, there is no need to rush into a decision at this point and if the man you are talking about really cares about you ( and not just himself) he will be willing to wait not withstanding the sexual pressure. I am happy he is being upfront about that. You mentioned that he is going for his masters, this is even good. Let him go out there and test his preferences. You do not want him to marry you only to travel out and realise that your English and dressing is not hot enough. This will also give you the opportunity to grow a bit more , review you feelings and spend more time with you Mum and older sisters and learn some vital lessons about life, marriage and home keeping.

When I was single, I use to avoid girls that are in your age range because I came to understand that they are smart ( sometimes too much for their own good), restless, highly vain and were mostly dreamers (not in touch with reality). You are smart and sensible to be asking questions.

I have few tips (questions) that I believe can help you:

Is this guy your friend (imagine if you do not end up marrying him, is he someone you consider close enough to just spend time catching up with on the phone, and discussing about your current boyfriend/husband and other interesting/ or even embarrassing stuffs you have kept bottled up)?

Are you attracted to him (During those times that you have been with him physically, have you found yourself turned on or feel like you have to restrain yourself from getting a bit intimate with him ( like just kissing him or having him hold you) ?

Do you think there is anything about you that complements or completes this guy ( Will he be a mess ( not emotionally) without you in any aspect of his life if you guys end up not being together)

His is family comfortable with you and is your family comfortable with him.. are you both comfortable with each other's family?

Rating the nature of his care and concern for you, does he look out for you like your father will or your most caring brother will?

You do respect him, will you be willing to submit your life and future to his ideals and principles?

Will you like to have a son exactly like this man ( if this thought melts your heart, you may love him more than you have admitted)?

Do you both share the same christian values?

Do you trust this guy, can you trust him with your life, and trust him to make decisions for you?

How well do you guys communicate, do you feel like you cannot speak your mind or he does not freely express himself to you?

How have you been settling your disputes? Have you guys been managing to settle disputes without external intervention?

You are an introvert, so you may not be the easiest to deal with, how well has he been coping with your personality?

Do you guys pray together? Do you have testimonies of prayers answered when you both believe God for something?


If you have yes to most of these questions, you may have a good guy there. However, subject the relationship to a further test of waiting. Let him go for his masters and come back to marry you, that will give you ample time to process your feelings.

This is deep. I'm going to get a pad, write this, and mull over them. Thanks a lot.

sisisioge:
Sweetheart, your tale is one of those that got me completely short of words.

On one hand, I think you should marry him and worry about falling in love with him later. Here, my hope is that since you two are fair and nice people, you would be kind to each other. Awesome sex and good ambiance may breed love. Kids and comfort may endear him to your heart. After all, many sensible people are sodding love and marrying reasonable people these day, reasonable people that turned out to be bae. Hmmmm.

On the other hand, I'm thinking life is too short to manage anyone with the thought of forever. Life starts at forty these days, you are almost two decades away girl. What will it be like before then? After then? Dang, there are several decades after forty to contend with too , if God pleases...whew, I'm lost jare. Do you want to manage your marriage? Do you want to live on tiptoes? Hmmm...it is well.

Biko...take time out with the dude. Spend plenty of time with him....I would have added fork him please but I won't, we are still brethren . The point is, live some with him to see if you could do this. I said no to a wonderful young man some 5 years ago, I'm still unmarried, I would still say no to him...no regret. Life is too shot to live on tiptoes This is all on you, your choice...your life. May God grant you wisdom.

Amen sis. God knows best, I pray he does the best for you.

Really, it's been quite confusing for me I must say. On one hand I have security, but I only have to turn to meet the full glare of Y.O.L.O.

Treasuredlove:
attraction and love...two different things bro

I see a lot of people saying love doesn't really matter, love isn't the ultimate. Love will never stop being the ultimate because it is what makes the relationship work. Marriage in itself is serious work and without love, not much will work. If a woman is trapped in a loveless marriage where the guy loses his job and becomes penniless...God save that man. Or if a man is trapped in a loveless marriage where the woman suddenly begins to grow fat...God save that woman. When one is in a comfortable place, anything can be accepted. Comfort is deceptive but test them with a little discomfort...
Attraction goes and comes but love...it never fades

What exactly is love? The only love I can vouch for is the love of a parent for child, sibling love or child for parent. As for romantic love, something entices you in the first place. Looks, attitude, intelligence, wealth, character etc. Take away that and the so called love disappears. What you have left is sympathy. Most people who claim to be in love and later lose what attracted then still do stay because they either have no where to go or know it will be unfair to leave. Romantic love is just a concept, deep down it is tied to something. But with familial love, it is deep. A mother will still love that child with learning abilities or deformities etc.
What is important in marriage is tolerance, companionship, compatibility etc. Love or whatever it is called comes last.

victorian:
My dear, marry him. As long as he is presentable and he loves you. He will treat u like egg and with time u will get to develop deep feelings that will keep the marriage together.
Cause if u ask me? What's love? You may think love is that butterflies kind of feelings, u feel at the pit of your tummy when u sight a guy. My sister that's not love but lust mixed with infatuation. And most times, such feelings don't end well.
Getting the perfect husband, does not exist nowadays. But getting a presentable and responsible man who loves and care for u, is the key to a lasting marriage, as long as you open your heart, accept him wholeheartedly and with time u will be happy u went ahead with the marriage. Also communication, goes a long way. Always communicate before and in marriage.
Guys these days are not ready to settle down, they will just use and dump, all in the name of I love you. Pls, don't miss this opportunity.

Chaii, over maturity will not kee you. Flesh & Blood did not reveal this to you. As far as (Most) Women are concerned Love is a feeling & not a Decision. It is what it is. Only few ladies like can discern that. Love between a Man & Woman is always conditional, only a mother can love unconditionally.

You see, some ladies are lucky to get the EXACT type of Man they want while others aren't, I honestly feel sorry for the Women who don't eventually get their preferred type of Man. Issue is they start feeling a sense of Regret on not choosing the Guy/Man who came earlier In their life. Trust is they never made a Wrong choice by not settling for less, It's just that Life is a pot of beans.

Also because Men of Gold, don't wear Gold. Earlier in Life some Men don't seem so presentable & not appreciable by those females, a lot Men get better/finer with age, the women do not recognise them at that point. It's like when Samuel went to Anoint the children of Jesse, he never expected that David was the Lord's anointed, he was in Rags.

I honestly believe that at some point in every ladies life, God sends a life partner to their path. It's not a coincidence. It is now your duty to recognise who he sends your way.

Sometimes I feel like writing a Post diff topics on NL but have no time for it.

sleit:
Thanks a lot.

Welcome

sleit:
Thanks a lot for this. You don't know how much I appreciate all your input.

You are welcome dear.

cruchenutii:
Chaii, over maturity will not kee you. Flesh & Blood did not reveal this to you. As far as (Most) Women are concerned Love is a feeling & not a Decision. It is what it is. Only few ladies like can discern that. Love between a Man & Woman is always conditional, only a mother can love unconditionally.

You see, some ladies are lucky to get the EXACT type of Man they want while others aren't, I honestly feel sorry for the Women who don't eventually get their preferred type of Man. Issue is they start feeling a sense of Regret on not choosing the Guy/Man who came earlier In their life. Trust is they never made a Wrong choice by not settling for less, It's just that Life is a pot of beans.

Also because Men of Gold, don't wear Gold. Earlier in Life some Men don't seem so presentable & not appreciable by those females, a lot Men get better/finer with age, the women do not recognise them at that point. It's like when Samuel went to Anoint the children of Jesse, he never expected that David was the Lord's anointed, he was in Rags.

I honestly believe that at some point in every ladies life, God sends a life partner to their path. It's not a coincidence. It is now your duty to recognise who he sends your way.

Sometimes I feel like writing a Post diff topics on NL but have no time for it.

They regret what exactly? That they did not choose to live with someone they didn't really love and want to be with?
Cause if they do, here comes the good news. You can always find someone who is available. This part is very easy.

Mindfulness:
They regret what exactly? That they did not choose to live with someone they didn't really love and want to be with?
Cause if they do, here comes the good news. You can always find someone who is available. This part is very easy.

No. they just felt they deserve more [ It's just how they feel ].
Have someone ever tried to get through to you, even though you like him, you feel you deserve better. It may be looks/attraction/attitude/spiritual etc.

You can always find someone who is available. This part is very easy. Well a lot of ladies do not find that person, they end up settling for someone more lesser in terms of their expected qualities.