₦airaland Forum

CanadianNaija:
if only the men and women that are sole providers to their families will learn to create a budget and stick to it.

Now he say he was trying to setup everyone up so that they won't depend on him but he went about it the wrong way, and ended up enabling lots of them.
I still have cousins that don't talk to me because they felt we i and my siblings had better lives than they did.

One time that my dad got my mum a brand new SUV and they travelled with it, the rumors and gossip that went round that period was something else. They all talked about how my mum wants to finish their brother's money, yet from childhood till now non of my father's relatives have ever bought evn 5 naira biscuit for any of us.
All they do is take.

I hate that attitude of taking and taking and never giving. They wouldn't have felt that way about your mum if they were also comfortable but it is because their eyes were on your father's money.

And your cousins should keep the malice with their parents who were not able to give them the kind of lives they wanted and not with you guys.

It is better to help once in a while and encourage everyone to make their own money instead of acting like their saviour.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Mtcheew. That's what ECKankar made you believe. But na wetin concern karma and reincarnation here now?

I'm sure you read her post, and my subsequent candid comment thereto. You don't have to accept/believe what I said. "2x+3=9. find x" never made sense to us when in primary sch, but it later did in the sec.

ImaIma1:
I hate that attitude of taking and taking and never giving. They wouldn't have felt that way about your mum if they were also comfortable but it is because their eyes were on your father's money.

And your cousins should keep the malice with their parents who were not able to give them the kind of lives they wanted and not with you guys.

It is better to help once in a while and encourage everyone to make their own money instead of acting like their saviour.

Na so life be.

I used to be so jealous of my friends and their cousins, all forward thinking people.

My own relatives spent all their time and money going from church to church looking for imagined enemies and destiny destroyers, while doing nothing to better themselves.

Every kind of job was beneath them, the story is long sha. Poster should just be careful.

My dear all u have been through is in ur hubby hand.he does not know what they call primary family.therefore a man shall leave his mother ND father ND cling to the wife.he should defend u never giving room for u to be disrespected.to be frank marriage so easy.so having toxic inlaws join makes it worse.sometimes too is when u pack and give d man space to think their brain resets.dont divorce.just park for a while.somethimes even in marriage we feel choked sometimes and just need some breathe of fresh air.even for just A day.so give him a while.sorry.he ain't a man.

nwanneni:
wife and children over mother?are you ok?

yes.kno this now before. U Marry.your wife and kids come before ur extended family.they are ur no1 poirityy.forget na mama do this and that.they are ur primary responsibility.mama is secondary family.also ur responsibility.but secondary responsibility.dont marry without knowing what marriage entails.u see mama for Bible as wife....know now oooo.dont stress ur wife

nwanneni:
it's like you don't read and comprehend.
I said if one of them sees "light".now has any of you seen light?by that i mean real money.
No one expects a struggling person to lead others!
When a brother in our kingdred makes it,he trains his folks in the business and establishes them.
That is how we as a people became succesful.
Struggle on our own my ass

d Bible says a good father leave an inheritance for the children.not the wife.so anambra people dictate how their brother's home is run as low as omugwo.who nor go school nor dey Hussle?shame nor dey some people eye.there is dignity in labour

Why will u be taking care of the bills.why did u start it at all.dont u have dreams.aspirations and he is working.still maintain the home.this his duty.u are to support.find what u love doing and tell him u want to pursue it.act always broke.dont feel pity cos he does not pity himself

ImaIma1:
Others too should look for the light and not dump their life responsibility on another. It is called laziness

This thinking is rife among 'traders' in Anambra. Well read Anambra men in other professions for the most part do not think like this.

egojeny1:
Nonsense!!
I am from Anambra State too and that is not our way. What happened to their hands, can't they hussle on their own? Are they suffering from leprosy? Parasites in the name of siblings.
That was why Kanu Nwankwo's wife had to call out her in-law. Some people will always want to suck their first son dry.

In my family, everybody hussles on his/her own. We don't depend on our first son to do everything for us so pls stop saying it's Anambra pple's way. It's not our way @ all.

Thank you!

chival:
This thinking is rife among 'traders' in Anambra. Well read Anambra men in other professions for the most part do not think like this.

Infact I was shocked to see an Anambra guy on this platform who seems educated talk such nonsense with so much pride and confidence.

That kind of arrangement will make them draw a battle line with the wife of the man. I can't stand a man that cannot organize his family and household.

prestigiouslady:
It's like we grew up in the same house...it was really tough growing up... extended family feeling entitled... I even have an aunt that had six kids and my dad was responsible for them, recently one of the kids had a slip of tongue and said my dad sent him to a Polytechnic and sent me his (his biological child o) to a university...I'm like "really"..
One of my uncle was calling my dad to please send him money for baby things cos his wife is almost due..(8th child)..if a man in his forties is still behaving as such...


OP..just save for the rainy days, these people will continue to behave as such...and if you voice out too much, you'll be tagged a wicked witch.. There's poverty in the land..
Save your money and channel it into something productive..

8th child??!! He is still producing children knowing that your dad will take care of them.

ImaIma1:
8th child??!! He is still producing children knowing that your dad will take care of them.

Sincerely...and my own dad has just three kids..

prestigiouslady:
Sincerely...and my own dad has just three kids..

That is why such people never become rich. They don't plan. They just allow anything and say "it is God who gives children" as if it is the devil that gives those who have 2 or 3

prestigiouslady:
Sincerely...and my own dad has just three kids..

Just imagine.

chival:
Thank you!

U're welcome dear. Don't mind that cow saying it's Anambra people's way. Lazy brat!!

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

Are you okay at all?

Is that what you call assistance?

Where a woman will continue paying school fees and even built the home where they live and the man is busy pouring money on his relatives.
What kind of silly mindset egocentric mindset are you exhibiting?

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

That information provided context.

you must be one of those parasites that won't allow husband and wife to enjoy their marriage. Go and work and stop pestering other people for your stomach.
No matter how much they give you, you will never get satisfied

Contumely:
You will be the paragon of a wicked spouse. You are bereft of facilities that incite empathy or sympathy.

Infact you are a sociopath. Having a chequered upbringing is bad.

This is africa where we have little benefits from the government hence we do everything ourselves ranging from taking care of siblings to even in laws.
It's part of our heritage.

Briller:
Pls folks, I need help. I have a burning issue in my heart and it's threatening to break my home. Have been married for 8 years and my husband runs his own business while I also have a very good job. Hubby is the first son and only educated amongst his siblings and he is a professional. Unfortunately his siblings
dropped out of school because of either their irresponsibility, greed and stubbornness. Hubby is the first son and only educated one in his family. His siblings are all adults with their own families but still depend on him for financial support and unfortunately, their demands are endless. His only sister is a widow with multiple children. This sister of his thinks her children are my hubby's responsibility - to train them and provide for her needs and he (hubby) has taken it upon himself to do that.

It wasn't an issue earlier in our marriage but even when our kids started coming, he still channels all his resources to the sister and her kids as well as his other siblings, leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities - paying the bills, school fees, feeding house rents until I built us a place, feeding, etc. It is very important to mention that yes, he makes the money but feels he has a mandate in life to help people in need and pls don't get me wrong. I am a great giver.

Now the challenge is that I have become bitter over time and I'm heart broken as matters concerning me and my kids are disregarded. To worsen the whole issue, that same sister of his hates me and have incited other family members against me. They treat me as a complete outcaste. During one of the family meetings, I was told to my face that I stole their brother. I wept non-stop that night till the next day cause I have been the one being exploited. I continued to ignore their actions and still maintain my calm until recently, I came into the room and overheard my husband's telephone discussion with his younger brother. I heard my husband explaining that his niece and nephew didn't move in with us cause my sister was with us. You needed to see the way my brother in-law was vibrating on the phone and threatening fire and brimstone as per why would my sister be in our house instead of his neice. This same brother in-law feels he is the "Commanding Officer and the one to call the shots" in my marriage. He called me once when I delivered to tell me his mom will come for my omugwo and I waived it off as maybe he was just excited or maybe he has had too much to drink that day. Of course, hubby and i already had plans to bring mama over to spend time with us after the baby arrives but for the guy to tell us who will do omugwo for my first child was odd.

I personally think my husband is aiding them in their attitude and I have repeatedly made my husband to understand the consequences of his actions all to no avail.

I have decided to move on cause I cannot remain an outcaste and at the same time not at least havesupportive husband. I would rather stay on my own than die prematurely from the pains I am feeling right now.

Pls I need advise from the married men and ladies in the house.

I presume you married an Igbo man? I also hope you are an Igbo woman as well?

These things happen and from what I can deduce from your post, your husband is partly the problem. He's carrying his immediate family matter more of a priority than his nuclear family which is completely wrong. I'm in no way saying that he should completely ignore them but he should use wisdom in handling their matter. It's until he wants it to stop, that's when it will stop.

Again, madam you are sitting on a keg of gun powder. Just pray nothing happens to your husband. God forbid he's no more, his family will throw you out of the house and secure ALL your husband's properties. Infact some of them may be praying for it to happen because they might even be seeing you as an obstacle towards their penetrating more into your husband's resources.

You need to reduce your personal expenses to your children by applying wisdom in whatsoever you do. Ensure you are financially independent and start saving if you haven't been doing so. May God help you.

bukatyne:
@Briller,

Happy new year.

Your brother is the only successful/hardworking sibling so naturally, all others are on his neck.

His siblings feel entitled to his wealth (rightfully or not) so you have double whammy.

What should you do?

1. Know the genuine source of your husband's wealth. On the surface, it might seem your in-laws are lazy however, you don't know if they sacrificed their education for him to make it. You don't know if they joined their destinies to his because he had the most promise. It might also be that he is the sacrificial lamb for the family. Most families have them.

2. Know how your husband sees you. He might see you as an addition to his existing family or building a new family with you which is an offshoot of his previous nuclear family.

If scenario 1: then you have to build your family alone. I am sorry you will keep expending your resources alone, just pray that God continues to provide for you.

If scenario 2: tell your husband and you both has to focus your nuclear family as nobody would do that for you. He should help his extended family, however, your family comes first.

3. Now your husband's stance on in-laws. He told his brother his kids couldn't come because of your sister might be stating a fact or inciting further problems. He might be an akonwonjo on either side.

4. I don't understand how someone not with you can 'control' your home. You already planned your MIL was coming for omugwo, your BIL hammering it does nothing to you. If you planned that your mom was coming and hubby changed his mind because of your BIL, then we have a problem.

Good luck.

this is a very unbiased comment.

Abegi make i hear word...

Kene1245:
Your swift response to these questions shows your desire to truly sought this issue out, I must commend you for starting something for 2 of them.

ALL YOU NEED NOW IS CONSTANT PRAYER WITH A CLEAN HEART TO GOD ALMIGHTY TO RESTORE LOVE TO YOUR FAMILY AS A WHOLE.
because Love conquers all.

Also note this;

1. God works in a mysterious way which is beyond our human reasoning, That's why he has made you financially stable to fill in the gap where your husband couldn't , think about this what if i didn't have anything doing?

2. The expectations on every first male child from average home of african decent is high such that it becomes in built from childhood to the grave , that's why your husband will never see anything he has done for his family as a big thing; even he will want to do more there by neglecting his own kids, Don't blame him and you can't even stop it because the passion is naturally.

3. Every marriage has a cross and i must tell you this is your cross as a wife .

4. Both of you should open a single account tagged ' Family ' and each month you both should make it mandatory to deposit at least 30% of your salary in the account , this will go along way for rainy days.

5. Do not let your kids see their father as a neglect dad rather teach them to understand that their dad has lot of responsibilities.

once more pray always for love in the family.

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

Does it make sense to neglect your own responsibilities as a father for the sake of your extended family?
Should your children grow up to know their mother singlehandedly paid their school fees and made available necessary provision for their upkeep, while their father was busy raising other people's children? Won't your children resent you as they get older?
I'm all for taking care of extended family, but not at the expense of the children you have been given the mandate to raise

Ishilove:
Open a single account? Very bad idea. The husband will find reasons why he can't deposit into the account every month

You sound very much like you were privy to the game. When I saw the trend, I was so scared for my kids in the event anything should happen to me. I then suggested we set up an edu-insurance policy account for the kids to be depositing dedicated amounts every month. He contributed for only two months and I didn't see anything again. When I raised the matter, the response was whether I think the kids won't be taken care of in the event anything happens to any of us and up till today, I am still wondering how and who will take care of them when the unthinkable happens�

Briller:
You sound very much like you were privy to the game. When I saw the trend, I was so scared for my kids in the event anything should happen to me. I then suggested we set up an edu-insurance policy account for the kids to be depositing dedicated amounts every month. He contributed for only two months and I didn't see anything again. When I raised the matter, the response was whether I think the kids won't be taken care of in the event anything happens to any of us and up till today, I am still wondering how and who will take care of them when the unthinkable happens�

I pray that he will not see what will make him fear.

Briller:
Pls folks, I need help. I have a burning issue in my heart and it's threatening to break my home. Have been married for 8 years and my husband runs his own business while I also have a very good job. Hubby is the first son and only educated amongst his siblings and he is a professional. Unfortunately his siblings
dropped out of school because of either their irresponsibility, greed and stubbornness. Hubby is the first son and only educated one in his family. His siblings are all adults with their own families but still depend on him for financial support and unfortunately, their demands are endless. His only sister is a widow with multiple children. This sister of his thinks her children are my hubby's responsibility - to train them and provide for her needs and he (hubby) has taken it upon himself to do that.

It wasn't an issue earlier in our marriage but even when our kids started coming, he still channels all his resources to the sister and her kids as well as his other siblings, leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities - paying the bills, school fees, feeding house rents until I built us a place, feeding, etc. It is very important to mention that yes, he makes the money but feels he has a mandate in life to help people in need and pls don't get me wrong. I am a great giver.

Now the challenge is that I have become bitter over time and I'm heart broken as matters concerning me and my kids are disregarded. To worsen the whole issue, that same sister of his hates me and have incited other family members against me. They treat me as a complete outcaste. During one of the family meetings, I was told to my face that I stole their brother. I wept non-stop that night till the next day cause I have been the one being exploited. I continued to ignore their actions and still maintain my calm until recently, I came into the room and overheard my husband's telephone discussion with his younger brother. I heard my husband explaining that his niece and nephew didn't move in with us cause my sister was with us. You needed to see the way my brother in-law was vibrating on the phone and threatening fire and brimstone as per why would my sister be in our house instead of his neice. This same brother in-law feels he is the "Commanding Officer and the one to call the shots" in my marriage. He called me once when I delivered to tell me his mom will come for my omugwo and I waived it off as maybe he was just excited or maybe he has had too much to drink that day. Of course, hubby and i already had plans to bring mama over to spend time with us after the baby arrives but for the guy to tell us who will do omugwo for my first child was odd.

I personally think my husband is aiding them in their attitude and I have repeatedly made my husband to understand the consequences of his actions all to no avail.

I have decided to move on cause I cannot remain an outcaste and at the same time not at least havesupportive husband. I would rather stay on my own than die prematurely from the pains I am feeling right now.

Pls I need advise from the married men and ladies in the house.

My Mom passed through this when we were little kids and knew nothing... as we became older Things had to Change...

Grow your kids dear... invest in them ..

Your hubby will realize himself soonest..

Don't leave your Marriage...
And Most of all , Have GOD in full..
Talk to GOD About your Home
take away the bitterness
Do not leave your Hubby

Richy4:
Your sister is with u..@ the place where u and your husband is living....she was not paying bills there was she? ..... case closed.....

My only advice to you is to try and save for rainy days....

Watin you dey talk?

UyaiIncomparabl:
OP. I admire your steadfastness and patience in times like this. As it is, I'm already fuming to a comment a Nairalander made up there. So much sentimental folks.

You have to let him choose between you and your kids and his family, not at the detriment of leaving responsibilities for you. Look, you're a woman, and as such, you should know how to use your veto power, not insultively, but enforcing it maturedly that he'd see many ways not to reject your request. Things like these are what scares and irks me about marriage, but then, I accept that challenges will surely come.

Your husband isn't a MAN. I'm not even sure he can give rational decisions, let alone make them. As a rule of thumb, I'll never accommodate any family member to stay in my home for a lengthy period when I get married. I love my solitude, peace and sanity. NONE. Not even my sisters, brothers or whatever, and I expect my husband to adopt same measure. This isn't hostility, but it's a measure to be taken so that it doesn't give room for snitches prying into private and sensitive matters of another's family.

He mustn't live to please everyone. He possibly cannot help every member of his family. The only help they need is a JOB. Leeches inform of relatives.

Look. Have a heart to heart talk with him. If he blatantly downtalks your opinion, serve him a rational decision on a platter of gold. Stop covering for his loopholes, but take care of your children. Don't join to pay the bills, let him do them himself. Since he doesn't want to have sense, get him one in the grocery store.

I repeat, your WIFE and CHILDREN must come first, whatever/whomever that follows is inconsequential. I have no time for arguments.

You are not a wise woman.

freshbear:
You are not a wise woman.

Hahahahaha. As usual, we know you men are very sentimental. Anyway, have at it at your disposal.