₦airaland Forum

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

Thanks for accepting that you where the one who first tried being physical with him before he charged back at you. A lot of women won't acknowledge this. I also want to state that on no account should you go physical on anyone not even the one who you are sure is way stronger than you. If he says something you dont like, also respond verbally or walk away. On this issue, give it time, u know him better, but dont go the malice route with him....make attempt to communicate, crack jokes if you are the funny type...After a while he will realize he is just being silly and things will return to normal.

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

Thank God for the full story.
All of you ladies that were shouting Toxic Environment Toxic Environment! She should separate!!!! She is broken!!!!!! He is a Narcissist!!!!

Will you now advise the husband to separate himself from the toxic environment his wife created? Can you imagine her attacking her husband? Accusing him wrongly on infidelity and attacking him Physically? The poor man had to defend himself. As it should be.

Y'all are quiet now. Because the narrative doesn't suit your tummy. It is when a man sleeps, wakes up and starts beating his wife Nairaland feminists will be present to scream TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!! TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!!!! DIVORCE HIM!!!!!

Pictures or addonbelieveit

NormalThing:
Thank God for the full story.
All of you ladies that were shouting Toxic Environment Toxic Environment! She should separate!!!! She is broken!!!!!! He is a Narcissist!!!!

Will you now advise the husband to separate himself from the toxic environment his wife created? Can you imagine her attacking her husband? Accusing him wrongly on infidelity and attacking him Physically? The poor man had to defend himself. As it should be.

Y'all are quiet now. Because the narrative doesn't suit your tummy. It is when a man sleeps, wakes up and starts beating his wife Nairaland feminists will be present to scream TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!! TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!!!! DIVORCE HIM!!!!!

They've all gone into hiding.

Not one of them is available to even rebuke her for hitting her husband. But they were available when she said she got beaten.

bumeks:
Honestly i am with u in dis one, mine will never lay a finger on u, but he can keep malice for africa. Even right now we are at it again..and i av vowed not to make d move,bc i dont see d reason a man would derive so much joy in keeping malice

:-

NormalThing:
Thank God for the full story.
All of you ladies that were shouting Toxic Environment Toxic Environment! She should separate!!!! She is broken!!!!!! He is a Narcissist!!!!

Will you now advise the husband to separate himself from the toxic environment his wife created? Can you imagine her attacking her husband? Accusing him wrongly on infidelity and attacking him Physically? The poor man had to defend himself. As it should be.

Y'all are quiet now. Because the narrative doesn't suit your tummy. It is when a man sleeps, wakes up and starts beating his wife Nairaland feminists will be present to scream TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!! TOXIC ENVIRONMENT!!!! DIVORCE HIM!!!!!

ehn ehn
so she actually got what she deserved as the man rightly said to her face?

like he ripped her hair like how they do on the farm that she had to go on a low cut and he doesnt even give a damn about it?


wheres that beyonces meme sef
i give you hands oooo


the things i have read on this thread sha
hianus

yettymuse:
A narcissist can decide to show his traits after 11 years! After 20 years or even after 30 years!!

Until women understand that marriage doesn't complete you, marriage doesn't make you, marriage is only a chapter in your sojourn on earth! Abuse would continue to be transferred from generations to generations.

You are enough!

Inbetween... Dear Op, I would love to GIFT you a braided wig. Click the link and let me know which you would love. I'm sending you peace, love and light!

http://www.instagram.com/wigmaniac_international/

madam abeg me i need them wigs ooo

Dyt:
ehn ehn
so she actually got what she deserved as the man rightly said to her face?

like he ripped her hair like how they do on the farm that she had to go on a low cut and he doesnt even give a damn about it?

It's either you are purposely selective of the paragraphs you read or you haven't digested all she posted. But I'll assist you.

Dduchess:
Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically.

Mind you, this information about her launching first attack was [initially] omitted. Hence the initial uneven judgement of the man and the whole situation - evident from the first few replies by our dear NL [feminists] ladies. Even when this realisation was met, not one lady chided her for attacking her husband.

About my post that is amusing you; i guess it is alright when wives are aggressive towards their husbands but sour the other way round?

It is alright to advise your lady friends to separate from husbands who beat them but not okay to advise husbands who get same treatment from their wives.

I love feminism (whatever meaning it carries these days. Above all, I love the idea of gender equality. But if you have the courage to raise your hands to a man, be ready for the consequences. A lady should carry herself with all decency at all times - why the hell are you trying to hit a man? I could bet my kidneys that husband would never have touched his wife had she not gone Solange Knowles on him first. She said this herself.
No double standards Biko.

And this is the Beyonce meme. SAVE IT

NormalThing:
It's either you are purposely selective of the paragraphs you read or you haven't digested all she posted. But I'll assist you.


Mind you, this information about her launching first attack was [initially] omitted. Hence the initial uneven judgement of the man and the whole situation - evident from the first few replies by our dear NL [feminists] ladies. Even when this realisation was met, not one lady chided her for attacking her husband.

About my post that is amusing you; i guess it is alright when wives are aggressive towards their husbands but sour the other way round?

It is alright to advise your lady friends to separate from husbands who beat them but not okay to advise husbands who get same treatment from their wives.

I love feminism (whatever meaning it carries these days. Above all, I love the idea of gender equality. But if you have the courage to raise your hands to a man, be ready for the consequences. A lady should carry herself with all decency at all times - why the hell are you trying to hit a man? I could bet my kidneys that husband would never have touched his wife had she not gone Solange Knowles on him first. She said this herself.
No double standards Biko.

And this is the Beyonce meme. SAVE IT

Did you also skip where she said she tried to?
So he's justified for ripping her hair from her scalp?

I am in no way support of any form of violence
Be it from the man or woman
But beating a woman cos she tried to raise her hand not that she slapped him oo

Oh well
What do I know
I am not even married to give advice
***goes back to my hiding****


And thanks for the meme

Dyt:
Did you also skip where she said she tried to?

But beating a woman cos she tried to raise her hand not that she slapped him oo

While this angle might be true anyways because lunging at something doesn't mean there was impact.

Dduchess:
Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him

However this below contradicts the above

Dduchess:
So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically

Because there is no physical provocation without actual impact.

Happy holidays.

NormalThing:
While this angle might be true anyways because lunging at something doesn't mean there was impact.


However this below contradicts the above


Because there is no physical provocation without actual impact.

Happy holidays.

Tamam
Tesekuler

And you too
Ciao

Ladies in the house, wise up, respect your husband.

Hi poster I hope things are better now?
The mummies screaming separation are not even seeing that the lady has no intention of leaving!!!!!!
Dear poster,please stop lunging at your husband,you provoke him with hurtful words and then lunge physically,except the man is an angel/extremely calm,he'd lunge back!!
He def has a lot of things to apologise for too,from my experience and that of friends,most of wives take the first step of peace then while talking things through,get the man to apologise!!
DONOT listen to that tiny voice that is telling you not to go and meet him first(happens to me too )I tell people DO WHAT GIVES YOU PEACE OF MIND,I won't let bros keep malice when I know he will be able to sleep through the night while I won't,MBA!!
When the bible said "donot let the sun go down on your hanger", did it say take turns to apologise? How about forgiving 70times per dayas long as he doesn't outrightly hit you (hitting u under any circumstance is WRONG)stop getting physical because its seeming to me you are both ABUSIVE!!
Above all,I pray God smiles on your family and open the eyes of u both,grant u a peaceful home too!!

He pulled ur hair to the extent u had to cut ur hair.now u are making excuses for him.u hit him and he pounced on u.well continue enjoying the torment

Dduchess:
I have been married for 11 years with 3 kids, we have had our ups and down over the years but our first major fight was 3 years ago where I was physically beaten due to me accusing him of infidelity. Now I have been physically abused again with my hair ripped of my scalp. I cried my eyes out but he never said a word to me. I moved out of the bedroom to the guest room and till date he has refused to say a word to me and comes and goes as he pleases. Keeping malice is his hubby as I see him do that to family friends and loved ones over the years so am not surprised. I usually end the malice but for this one I believe he should be the adult and apologise to me as he is my head and protection but yet he scarred and battered me. I am hurting and cannot continue like this as malice is not my style please advice me on what to do? As he has refused to say sorry for reaping my hair of my scalp while arguing and I think I deserve better and shouldn't be the one to go to him. I am depressed

Is your issue the fact that he ripped your hair from the scalp or the fact he beats you, keeps malice and unrepentant /unapologetic ?

ogawisdom:
In Christian marriage as ordained by God they are not equal partners one is the superior. a woman must submit to the husband that is the basis of Christian marriage. Husband literally means master or oga m. accepting to marry a man means accepting to submit to him forever.

The Bible is the word of God nothing like archaic

I wouldn't have quoted you save the mention of Bible.

You can be whatever you want to your wife however, leave the Bible out of it.

I guess you conveniently forgot where a husband is to have sacrificial love for his wife?

OR is a Christian husband supposed to hurt his wife or maltreatment her in any way?

Should a Christian husband cheat or beat his wife? Even if she offends him, is he not supposed to forgive her 70 * 7 times a day?

Is he setting godly example for her and the family?

Oga, don't go there.

Use traditional model of marriage or something else to support your stance.

yettymuse:
A narcissist can decide to show his traits after 11 years! After 20 years or even after 30 years!!

Until women understand that marriage doesn't complete you, marriage doesn't make you, marriage is only a chapter in your sojourn on earth! Abuse would continue to be transferred from generations to generations.

You are enough!

Inbetween... Dear Op, I would love to GIFT you a braided wig. Click the link and let me know which you would love. I'm sending you peace, love and light!

http://www.instagram.com/wigmaniac_international/

You own the wigmanic account?

ogawisdom:
once a woman submits to his husband the husband will love her dearly. submission is what a man calls love , men don't need the love of a woman he needs the submission of a woman which is a divine injunction.

christian marriage makes a man the master in the marriage that is why he is the provider and the wife helper. submission comes before the woman is loved more.

satanic feminist who doesn't believe in the Bible should not quote me, the Bible is my standard reference point for marriage

Submission comes before love?

You accepted Christ as saviour before He loved you and died for you?

Please stick to Opele type of marriages.

You can be lord and master all you want.

bukatyne:
Submission comes before love?

You accepted Christ as saviour before He loved you and died for you?

Please stick to Opele type of marriages.

You can be lord and master all you want.

Stop quoting me up and down

I don't engage satanic femnists like u biko

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

My initial question still stands.

Thanks for giving us more perspective.

Now, you claim that the twice he beat you, you provoked it. It follows that you know what to do if you do not want a third beating.

There are still issues in your marriage.

Your husband is unremorseful and doesn't care about your marriage. How do I know?

1. He said you deserved the hair uprooting (not sorry/ concerned/ empathetic)
2. He is unconcerned about resolving the issue
3. He practically said he is waiting for your brothers to beat him up. (no regard for your family)
4. He said there was peace while you were in the guest room and should remain there ( doesn't want you around him)

My inference?

It is either there are some things he had constantly told you to stop/change/start which you stubbornly haven't

OR

He is fed up of the marriage.

Your duty is to find out which.

ogawisdom:
Stop quoting me up and down

I don't engage satanic femnists like u biko

Of course, I am satanic because I exposed your demonic teachings.

Leave the Bible out and have the type of marriage you want.

As long as you drag the Bible in on this thread, get ready.

bukatyne:
You own the wigmanic account?

Yes i do

how do people keep malice with someone you see everyday? isn't it tiring? I'd fall sick if I tried that for 24 hrs.

@op. don't wait until he kills you. if the beating becomes more regular, which I suspect it might, then it's time to move out.

where there's life there's hope.

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

now we get the fuller picture. seems you are more concerned about an apology from him than seeing that you are scattering your own marriage with your own hands.

so, you lunge at your husband to beat him up, then he beat YOU up in self defence?!! wonders will never end. then you now want an apology? maybe the two of you should buy some karate robes and boxing gloves and throw yourselves around the apartment every morning. good work out I'd say.

better go and meet your husband and apologize for even thinking of beating him.

do you have proof of his infidelity? then show him or talk to his parents if he won't stop otherwise you risk driving him into the hands of another woman, just watch and see.

yettymuse:
Yes i do

Just checked your IG handle now . Omo! you be big madam oh. Twale mama! .

Congrats on your new biz deal too.

Guitarlife:
They have been married for 11 years, that is an achievement in itself. And why are you forgetting that you have only heard from one party , have you heard from the husband ? I can bet you the wife might have initiated the violence but do you expect her to come here and narrate events as it happened, try to be a little objective.

Pardon me for quoting you but let me understand you clearly, so because she has been married for 11 years she should risk her life and sanity? Do you know she can lose her life? then her kids will be at the mercy of a step mother.



OP, I don't see how he won't beat you again. He doesn't even have regard for you again.. Take some time out, go somewhere else either with a friend or family but pray and fast extensively for your family. Your family needs prayers and counselling, it's under spiritual attack.

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

How old are you, what is so important about apologizing here? It seems you can't see how he has no regard for you or the marriage, you need to find out why. There will be more abuse both physical and emotional, seek help.

[quote author=addictiv post=73674945]Very sad. One of the major reasons people get physical is due to lack of respect. He doesn't respect you.
if you want him to stop beating you then you have to make him respect you. At this point it may mean cutting of all forms of reliance on him, get your own money, business, career etc. Respect goes both ways if you respect him as your husband and treat him accordingly, he ll surely return the favour. secondly he knows you ll come begging eventually so this time surprise him, do what he least expects you to do.
You need sometime apart to reconsider your life choices. Then you both need to talk to someone, a Councillor or guardian who can lead you on the path to mutual respect and understanding.
I see no reason why you should accuse a man without hardcore evidence.
Most times it pays to keep calm while your spouse is angry or agitated. Dont fuel it by responding word for word. A simple apology or walking away when you realise that the atmosphere is getting tense helps to avoid shitshows
Then the issue of malice, what you are doing will not work. You are both being kids. One of you will have to become the adult. Communication helps alot so you need to break the silence if he is not ready to do so. An apology for accusing him without evidence. Explain to him your reasons for doing so calmly. If you are ready and have the means, you can tell him you are taking some time away from him for personal revaluation. He has to realise that you can have a life without him getting involved. Whenever he wants to keep malice next time.. dont beg him, just live your life, find things that make you happy and focus on them. The reason why he is using the silent treatment is because it has worked in the past. So if he sees you re always genuinely happy, and not worried in any way. he ll get tired